The real old money of the world is rarely vulnerable to the ailment of poverty. Over a matter of generations they manage to adapt.
That’s why being genuinely old money is so desirable and difficult to attain. It requires a long amount of time, for one thing.
“So you all have a great working relationship with money?” asks Sarah Jessica Parker.
“Yes! It’s a bond of trust.” says John Belter.
“Sounds nice!” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“It is! But…it’s not the end of potential personal wealth if you aren’t old money. Or it shouldn’t be.” says Jim.
Mr. Cologne 76 nods. “Yeah! I like to think of it that way.”
“It just isn’t!” says Rachel Belter.
“Are you wealthy?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.
“I have years of elite work experience in Washington D. C. alongside my elected family. I could possibly have had a job in the Trump Administration but I choose not to. …Are we rich? No. I lost my job to get married and have a family. My husband is Indian. And that’s a wonderful thing…but…it’s also not like…marrying an old money American male. We have money. But…as impressive as my husband actually is…I married for love not for assured financial security. …Going to visit my family in India is a delight though!” says Rachel. “He’s well mannered. Intelligent. Very well educated. But…he has no connections to people in positions of huge financial power from his frat days at Union or University of Michigan.” she says suggestively. “It’s harder to just waltz in somewhere and have a $400,000.00 a year paycheck.”
“It’s an immigrant’s experience.” says her husband.
“An immediate no!” says the Vice President.
“Why?” asks Rachel.
Mr. Cologne 76 laughs.
“Huh. Yeah. You’re also a black girl!” says Mr. Cologne 76’s wife to the Vice President.
“Because that’s racist!” says the Vice President.
“I am!” says the Vice President, crying.
“Right. You’re not old money? Or you are?” asks Lem.
“Not necessarily. But she decided she was. After Lacey rejected her.” says a silversmith in Lacey’s family.
“No! He wouldn’t say that!” says Vice President.
“Why not?” asks Rachel’s family.
“Alright. So why aren’t you?” asks Casi of the US President on Lacey’s blog via telepathy.
“Because we’re not really like that.” says the Vice President. “We kind of are. But…not really.”
“So…Lacey didn’t think you were fit to be Vice President?” asks a Belter.
“Yeah.” says Lacey. “I cautioned against it.”
Ruth nods her head.
“Why didn’t you listen?” asks Ruth.
“Because she hates Lacey.” says Erin Ryan.
“So did Joe Biden.” says Lem. “Seemingly. He called her a bitch right after assuming power.”
“Why are you liberal elites obsessed with not acknowledging North Dakota?” asks Theodore Roosevelt.
“Because it’s not that great!” says Chris Hayes.
“I loved it!” says President Teddy Roosevelt.
“Why?” asks a pedophilic man in the Illuminati.
“It’s beautiful!” says Theodore Roosevelt.
“You can’t really think that!” says Chris Hayes.
“I do! I loved it.” says the first successful US President Roosevelt. The second was FDR, of course.
“Because we can’t stand you all!” says Suzanne.
“That’s not true.” says Frannie from Alabama. “Come on! We did copy her. A lot!”
Rachel yawns.
“Suzanne. Do you struggle with money?” asks Chris Hayes.
“Yes.” says Suzanne.
“But you pretend not to?” asks the Vice President of the US.
“Yes.” says Suzanne.
“Is that why you hate Lacey?” asks Donald Trump.
“You’re a jerk!” says Kacey to the US President and Vice President.
“Yeah. Maybe.” says the Vice President.
“Yeah.” says Suzanne.
“So you too?” asks Casi.
“Yes!” says Frannie. “Most of us did, Casi.”
Casi looks perplexed. “So we hated her because she was financially secure?”
“Yes!” says Aasne.
“Why does that really make sense?” asks Lacey.
“You’re so chauvinistic!” Chris Hayes yells at Lacey.
“How?” asks Lem.
“Because she…just is.” says Kate Shaw Hayes.
“How does that make sense?” asks Lem.
“It doesn’t. That’s why it’s true.” says Kate Shaw Hayes.
“Yeah. That’s true.” says Suzanne.
“How?” asks Rachel.
“Because being a beautiful beautician…is…like a sea monster.” says Kate Shaw Hayes.
“Explain!” says Lem.
Frannie laughs.
“It’s a mystery of the Divine Feminine.” says Chris Hayes.
“And that’s why you win?” asks Lem.
“It’s a kismet glorybug.” says Kate.
“That’s creative but also nonsense.” says Lem.
“Are we really this dumb?!” asks a perfume hater.
“No. We’re dining in Ukraine next summer!” says Kate.
“Where??” asks John Belter.
“At the Ritz!” says Kate.
“I doubt it!” says Putin.
“You’re not afraid of getting killed?” asks Ruth.
“No! The fighting will end by then.” says Kate.
“No! It’s…not likely!” says a psychic.
“Yeah right! We’re destroying Russia!” says Kate.
“How?” asks the Vice President.
“With stuff!” says Kate.
“What stuff?” asks Kacey.
“Drones!” says Kate.
“Russia is kicking our ass…aren’t they?” asks an American Tik Tok star.
“Yeah! Probably!” says Suzanne.
“How would you know?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.
“My husband is in the US military.” says Suzanne.
“Oh. So you’re real white trash?” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“Not completely?” says Suzanne. “But…”
“No. You’re white trash. So are we.” says Frannie.
“Yeah. So are we!” says Casi.
“Yeah! But y’all deceitfully pretended not to be. And then lashed out at Lacey.” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“Yeah.” says his wife.
“That’s why it’s become random like Lacey and black.” says Mr. Cologne 76. “In the perfume community.”
Silence.
“You ruined it for yourselves.” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“We did not!” says Suzanne.
“Yeah! We did!” says someone white in the perfume community.
“Do you stalk people?” asks another white trash perfume hater.
“Huh?” asks Rachel.
“She looks us up on White Pages!” says the woman.
“And?” asks Lem.
“Finds out our address.” says the woman.
“That’s not stalking. And if it is…we have no freedom.” says Rachel.
“She uses White Pages like an old fashioned social register.” says Scott Fitzgerald.
“Oh wow! That’s hateful!” says a white female perfume hater.
“So…you can guess our relationship with money…based just on where we live?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.
“Probably brilliantly.” says Caroline Kennedy.
“Well great! So you know we’re upper middle class!” says Casi of the Pencil Skirt Perfume Hater.
“Yes!” says Lacey.
“And it’s obvious. TO HER!” says Casi. “Be careful assuming you can figure it out like she does.”
“Yeah. That’s such an old lady skill.” says Suzanne.
“Yeah! She’s like a 100 year old woman at 40.” says Casi.
“She really is 40 though.” says Bill Gates.
“Why do you people do that?!?” asks Casi laughing.
“It’s insightful.” says Lacey. “To some degree.”
“How can you tell?” asks a reader.
“It’s just very subtle.” says Lacey.
“Do we live in a nice neighborhood?” asks a perfume hater.
“I think I know who you are. Umm…yes and no.” says Lacey.
“No! Wrong answers. You fail!” she says.
“Why?” asks another perfume hater.
“Because! We’re…elite. Essentially.” says the perfume hater.
“How?” asks the perfume hater.
“Great jobs!” says the perfume hater.
“No family money?” asks Suzanne.
“Ahh…no.” says the perfume hater.
“How stable are your jobs?” asks Lem.
“Family money is when you have an astronomical amount of wealth from owning a business and it gets passed down.” says a hater.
“That’s what they have.” says Michael.
“No!” yells the hater.
“Yes!” says Lem.
“But old money people are obvious!” she says.
“She is!” says Casi.
“But she borrowed money!” says her former friend.
“To give someone else? Or because her parents are mean?” asks Michael.
“Both!” says her former friend.
“Yes! Both every time.” says Lem.
“She accused me of being a liar!” says her former friend.
“Oh my!” says her former friend’s mother.
“Oh my?! Yeah. What?!” says Lem.
“We have a farm too!” says her former friend’s brother.
“And it’s probably poor! They’re not!” yells Casi.
“So she inherits money from her grandmother? Lacey’s mother?” asks her former friend’s mother.
“Yes!!” yells Ruth.
“Okay! Fine! We’re not like that.” says her former friend.
“Our jobs are mildly secure.” says a perfume hater.
“Then why would she be impressed?” asks her former friend’s mother.
“She would be!” says the perfume hater.
“Why??” asks Ruth.
“Because…we have a much bigger house.” says the perfume hater.
“Mmm. Where??” asks the mother of the former friend. “And does $2,000,000 count as old money?
“Yes.” says Lem. “So does $250,000?!”
“But that’s not that much!” says her mom.
“What have you given your kids?” asks Lem.
“$40,000!” she says. “Or so.”
“That’s somewhat old money. On your husband’s side. Right?” says Lem.
“No. It is. It’s not like Lem!” says the woman’s husband like an idiot.
“My family had an enormous amount of wealth before The Great Depression.” says Lem.
“$250,000 is actually a lot of money?” says a hater.
“We aren’t that old money. I was a reasonably well off accountant. That’s nothing compared to her family or Lem’s. You’re all being insane.” says a dead Mr. Fuester.
“Why did Lacey call Rebecca a liar?” asks her mother.
“Or my family!” says an Allyson.
Allyson’s grandmother laughs. “We did Cornell!” She thinks. “And scotch! …They are old money. Yeah.”
“Her family’s?” asks Allyson.
“Yes.” says the woman.
“Because she seems to have lied.” says Lem.
“About men.” says Rebecca.
“Yeah! She was worried!” says Lem.
“I just thought she was a butch bitch.” says Rebecca.
“Lacey got angry out of genuine concern. Not…being butch.” says Lem.
“Her personality changed.” says Rebecca.
“Because her life was going to pieces. And you had no sympathy for her. Ever?” says Lem.
“No. I didn’t care. You’re right. I never tried to confront her. And I got bored.” says Rebecca.
“So you never said she was in danger?” asks Rebecca’s father.
“I might have once or twice.” says Rebecca.
“That’s all?” asks her father.
“Yes.” says Rebecca.
“That’s okay.” he says.
“Why?” asks Rebecca.
“Because you won!” he says.
“Did she??” asks her brother.
Silence.
“No.” says Lem.
“Why were you so mean?!” asks her father.
Rebecca shrugs. “I just…got tired of being her friend.”
“Why?” asks her mother.
“She’s…too emotional. And…intense. And…” says Lem.
“She’s not mentally-ill in that way.” says Lem.
“Fine! I’m not necessarily meaning that…so much as…she’s…difficult.” says Rebecca.
“She’s not.” says Lem, laughing.
“I found her deplorable!” says Rebecca.
“How? She’s never done anything that bad. Truly.” says Lem.
“No. But…she’s…so…unpleasant.” says Rebecca.
“You were little miss perfect? And Lacey has bad genes?” asks Lem.
“I thought we were close!” says Rebecca.
“And then she thought you were lying? After you had an affair with a married man? Who didn’t necessarily love you?” says Lem.
Silence.
“So! She accused you of being toxic? And lying about your own feelings and your actions? Out of concern. And you were hurt?” and Casi.
“Yes.” says Rebecca.
“You’re not her lover.” says Casi.
“Friends can hurt!” says Rebecca.
“Not in that way!” says Casi.
“Why?” asks Rebecca.
Casi rolls her eyes. “Because…you’re not that intimate. You could feel hurt. But if you’d been confusing her and confiding in her it’s her job to call you out. That’s accountability.”
“You think that’s gay? To care that much?” says Rebecca.
“Yes! Why can’t she call you out?!?” asks Casi.
“Because it hurts!” says Rebecca.
“Why wouldn’t you want that?! …It hurts because you assumed an emotional sexual connection with her that wasn’t there.” says Casi. “Why did you need her intimate approval to that degree?”
“Yeah. She’s not into it.” says Ruth Beaver about Lacey.
“I just didn’t care. I just wanted to reject her.” says Rebecca.
“Why?” asks Ruth Beaver.
“Because she’s…not allowed to…feel superior to me.” says Rebecca.
“Okay. But…I still sense an awkwardness Rebecca.” says Ruth Beaver.
Silence.
“Imagine if Lacey was Devin Pohly saying whatever it was that Lacey said.” says Ruth.
“After he was married and I wasn’t?” says Rebecca. “I’d be hurt.”
“But not as much!” says Ruth.
“Okay. That is weird.” says Rebecca.
“Yeah. You’re bisexual? Or pansexual.” says Ruth.
Silence.
“Lacey’s straight? Then she’s probably elite.” says a hater.
“Yeah! Lem may have been confusing too.” says Ben.
“Your hair is a huge giveaway!” says Ché to Rebecca.
“It’s just easier!” says Rebecca.
“True!” says Ché.
“Yikes.” says someone.
“Time for sleep. Hop
Keen to Cross the Pond 