Turns Out

Turns out Mr. Blue is actually super hateful of Lacey as a person. He hates her. And the reason why is because he felt she was superior and elite back in 2016.

“She totally was counting on you to think she was stupid.” says Mr. Blue to Casi. “When she told you that her family was wealthy. She was counting on you to think she was dumb. And given my Illuminati status…I could figure that out and it was my time to step in.”

“Step in and do what?!” asks Casi.

“Step in and use the fact that she was attracted to me to destroy her life.” says Mr. Blue. “It was hilarious to me and my friends.”

“Okay.” says Casi. “So you read her private messages to me and then decided to-Go to Hell! Both of you!” says Casi.

“You’re not truly telling me to go to Hell!” says Mr. Blue.

“No. I am.” says Casi.

“Okay. She was just trying to tell you off.” says Mr. Blue.

“And so you and other liberals decided to start a fight with her.” says George Bush. “Liberals like Mr. Brooks.”

“Usage. Why can’t you recall this man’s first name, you stupid idiot.” says Mr. Blue.

“Because his first name is forgettable.” says George Bush. “His last name is not.”

“I don’t think there’s a difference between rejecting someone for romantic reasons and rejecting them because they’re just a piece of filthy shit!” says Mr. Blue. “Fine. She’s not a ‘bunny boiler.’ She’s still total street trash!”

“Except she’s not accurately categorized as street trash.” says Michael Rockefeller. “You’d be accurate. So would Batgirl III. So would Joan. So would Chris Hayes. And his wife is only slightly higher with her Jewish local television daddy. …The whole cast of The Office is from the gutter originally, so to speak.”

“Really?!?” says Mr. Blue, stupidly.

“Is there anyone who’s in your life that would defend you…who’s not from the loser social class? You’re almost a total loser in your background. …And of course the answer is yes.” says Michael. “Really. Yes.”

“Okay fine.” says Batgirl III.

“Yeah! Seven years later you see that flaw. And today it hit you that she’s right. You attacked her because you hate her. It has possibly almost nothing to do with her interest in you for a few months seven years ago.” says Michael.

“Wow. It must be awkward to be in the moral high ground hating a peasant.” says Ruth’s brother.

“Yeah!! …It’s been horrible.” says Michael.

“Yeah. She just wanted me to leave her alone. I get it.” says Casi.

“But she was so fake to you!” protests Mr. Blue.

“Out of genuine pity.” says Casi.

“But that’s so condescending!” yells Mr. Blue.

“Umm…well…what should she do?” asks Ruth’s brother.

“You’re just saying that because your sister married her father who raised her.” yells Mr. Blue.

He shrugs. “What’s that to you?”

“If you’d had…to be poor…your whole life…and then work hard like me…and then become a millionaire who has to be public…you’d get it.” says Mr. Blue.

“That’s utter nonsense outside of the public eye being problematic.” says Ruth’s brother.

“Well I’m not happy!” yells Mr. Blue.

“About what??” says Ruth’s brother.

“You!” yells Mr. Blue.

“What about him?” yells John Belter.

“He’s still poor to middle class and he has more social clout than I do!” yells Mr. Blue.

“Yeah. You’re just a lowlife.” says Ruth’s sister.

“I’m a big deal! I’m famous!” yells Mr. Blue.

“For what??” asks Ruth’s brother.

“Being smart.” he says.

“Oh! You’re like…smart on television.” says Nancy Belter.

“He’s not a genuine public intellectual. Bill Nye is more of a genuine public intellectual than him!” says William F. Buckley.

“I went to Brown!” yells Mr. Blue.

“So did Jack Kennedy apparently?” says William F. Buckley.

“Is Brown an Ivy League school?” asks Ruth’s brother.

“It was.” says William F. Buckley.

“What about Dartmouth?” asks a professor.

“So far Dartmouth is still safe.” says William F. Buckley.

“What about Princeton?” asks Ruth.

“Princeton is a great school.” says William F. Buckley. “F. Scott Fitzgerald went there.”

“Okay. Well…better luck next time.” says Ruth to Mr. Blue. “Right??!” She thinks. “Isn’t that what you believe?!”

“I’m going to come back and show you!” yells Mr. Blue.

“George Bush something or another!” says Mr. Blue.

“Who’s son will you be?” asks Ruth’s brother.

“Wow! Oil!” says Micheal Rockefeller.

“How odd that you went to Brown.” says William F. Buckley to Mr. Blue.

“I went to Johns Hopkins!” brags Batgirl III.

“You should become a Muslim in Dubai! You went to Brown anyway.” says a rich oil lord in Dubai.

Silence.

“What did Ruth get?” asks the oil lord.

“A lake cabin. A nice townhouse. Jet skiis and atvs. Travel. A decent car. Great food. Social connections. …Jim could probably buy her a whole new wardrobe and diamond earrings. But he won’t…yet. We’ll see.” says Ruth’s brother.

“I’m sure she’ll get Chanel perfume for Christmas. Or Dior?” says Jim.

“From Lacey?” asks a perfume hater.

“She buys everyone perfume.” says Jim rolling his eyes.

“That’s nice!” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Yeah! I like what she bought me for Father’s Day.” says Jim.

“What did she buy you?” asks Mrs. Carter.

“She bought him Cartier Declaration Haute Fraicheur Eau de Toilette.” says Adeline Craft.

“And I regularly buy the mother who raised me Estée Lauder Belle Est La Vie.” says Lacey.

“I used to wear Preferred Stock and Fendi. And Giorgio Beverly Hills.” says Adeline.

“Preferred Stock?!?” asks Dmitry.

“Yes. I liked the impact.” says Adeline.

“You like men’s fragrances or it reminded you of something from the past?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.

“The latter. Definitely!” says Adeline.

“So your husband was a millionaire?” asks Dmitry.

“Yes!” says Adeline, sweetly.

“Dianne wore Chloé Narcisse.” says Ron.

“Lancôme La Vie Est Belle is lovely.” says William F. Buckley.

“I thought it was Estée Lauder. Thanks for the correction. And I thought the French looked odd. Thank you.” says Lacey.

“What Chanel will you get Ruth?” asks Jim.

“I might buy her the current Miss Dior.” says Lacey. “Or Chanel Coco. Or…if I’m feeling generous Delina. Or…give her a gift certificate somewhere.” says Lacey.

“That’s nice!” says Jim.

“Miss Dior smells good!” says Ruth’s sister.

“It does!” says Adeline.

“Which one is best?” asks Ruth.

“Miss Dior is Miss Dior but it’s very pretty. And classic. …I think Coco by Chanel.” says Lacey.

“That’s nice.” says John Belter.

“Coco Chanel.” says Frannie from Alabama.

“Yup.” says Lacey.

“I like Coco Chanel.” says a black perfume hater.

“Mlle. Coco?” says Lacey.

A perfume hater from Russia laughs. “What about Gabrielle?”

“Mlle. Gabrielle ‘Coco’ Chanel?” says Lacey.

The perfume hater from Russia laughs.

“‘What a Joy!’ says Lacey.” says Lem.

“Exactly!” says Lacey.

“What should they have called it?” asks Jennifer Lawrence.

“Dior? Hope!” says Lem. “Or Dior Love.”

“Yeah!” shouts Dmitry.

“They should make a nice berry fragrance.” says Dylan.

“Did Chanel try to with No. 1?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah!” says Dylan.

“I’m too upset to try it, I think.” says Lacey.

“It’s too sharp.” says Rachel Belter.

“That sounds good.” says Ruth.

“It’s not as grand as Coco Chanel.” says Lacey.

“Is it too youthful?” asks Ruth.

“I wonder. …It might not be.” says Lacey.

Silence.

“I’ll figure out what to buy later.” says Lacey.

“Why not buy Hermes Rhubarb Ecarlate?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Because that’s what I wear.” says Lacey.

“So what, you bitch!” says Mr. Blue.

“Yeah! So what?!” says Lem in imitation of evil.

“So what! She has plenty of perfume!” says Mr. Blue, laughing viciously at Lacey.

“Why do you enjoy the thought of Lacey’s step mother stealing her perfume?” asks William F. Buckley. “She has huge memories with that perfume. It’s hers.”

“Because that’s selfish! That stupid, ugly piece of shit cow!” yells Mr. Blue.

Bobby sighs.

“Delina!” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“Yeah.” says Lacey.

“What’s wrong with Delina?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Oh sus! I’m pretty sure Lacey is lusting after my husband now.” says Mrs. Blue, sincerely.

“Why you think that?” asks Eminem.

“Don’t mock me!” says Kate Shaw.

“Why not? You’re a rich woman.” says Mrs. Blue.

“Don’t buy Ruth perfume.” says Jim.

“Yeah!” yells Mr. Blue.

“What if Lacey bought Ruth a nice Hermes scarf?” asks Ruth’s sister.

“Or Kate Spade bag!” says Lacey.

“Oh! A Kate Spade bag would be nice!” says Ruth.

“Really?” says Lacey.

“You bought your daughter a $500 Kate Spade bag!” says Mr. Blue. “What’s wrong with Kate Spade?!?!”

“Why are you so overly familiar with Lacey?!?” asks Lem Billings.

“Because we slept together!” yells Mr. Blue. “I own all of you!! And this blog!”

Ray Craft laughs.

“Like in reality…or on some imaginary intellectual premise?” asks Lem’s sister.

“Ah no! He totally owns all of you!” says Jim’s former girlfriend who wore pants and had bangs. She’s a daughter of a black singer.

John Belter laughs.

“A minstrel singer’s daughter? Or the daughter of a liberal black singer who’d be called a minstrel in Mr. Blue’s mind if he was intellectually honest.” says William F. Buckley.

“I own you! Funny jokes, dead pleb!” yells Mr. Blue.

“I’m hardly a pleb.” says William F. Buckley.

“But you called me one!” yells Mr. Blue.

“So then that automatically means I’m one?!” asks William F. Buckley.

“Yes!! Those rules always are infallible.” says Erin Ryan, whether joking or serious.

“But why would you insult me…unless you were feeling incredibly insecure?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Why are you so overly familiar with Lem’s wide in Heaven?” asks Ruth’s brother.

“You should buy Chanel No. 1 for yourself!” says Dylan to Lacey.

Lacey sighs.

“I like it!” says Adeline.

“I’ve read it’s watery.” says Lacey.

“You’re worth ten cents compared to my grandson!” yells David Schiebel at Mr. Blue.

“Yeah.” says William F. Buckley.

“Then why isn’t she in love with him?” asks Mr. Blue.

“An Hermes scarf!” says Ruth’s sister.

“Does she wear scarves?” asks Ruth’s sister.

“Oh! I think she’d wear it!” says Ruth’s sister.

“But it’s so cumbersome.” says Lacey.

“I think she’d wear it!” says Ruth’s sister.

“I don’t want to seem insulting.” says Lacey.

“Because it might seem insensitive if she doesn’t wear scarves.” says Casi.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Why not buy her Chanel No. 26?” asks Casi.

“Because people don’t generally wear that. I do. But I’m not like most people.” says Lacey, very objectively.

“Delina!” yells Mr. Cologne 76.

“Or a Kate Spade bag.” says Dylan.

“Maybe.” says Lacey.

“Just find the right one.” says a Real Housewife.

“My goodness.” says Lacey.

“Why not a new Louis Vuitton?!” says a trans person of Instagram in the perfume community.

“Exactly!” says Lacey.

“I’m sorry.” says the trans person shaking her head. “Chris Hayes…why are you protecting Mr. Blue? He sounds…awful.”

“Because he feels he’s like me.” says Chris Hayes.

“Do you own me?” asks Andy Lack.

“Or me?” asks Warren Buffet.

“I mean…you could fire me. But…I’m still Chris Hayes.” says Chris Hayes.

“Yeah. But why does that mean anything?!” asks Ruth’s brother.

“Because the international community knows me.” says Chris Hayes.

“Do they really?!” asks Bill Gates.

“You don’t think they do?” asks Chris Hayes like a primadonna.

“How would they know you?” asks Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“I’m a celebrity.” says Chris Hayes, hurt.

“Yeah. But are you really?” asks Kate Shaw Hayes.

“Yeah! I think so?” he says.

“Would they know you more than me?” asks Tucker Carlson.

“You’re just Tucker Carlson. And you got fired!” yells Chris Hayes.

“I highly doubt…most people know your name or face all that well.” says John Belter. “I rarely watch MSNBC.”

“Okay! But your family is old money Republican.” says Chris Hayes.

“Yes! To some degree. We’ve been wealthy for generations but now you’re wrong a little. …I do watch MSNBC.” says John Belter.

“What he’s saying is that he watches MSNBC enough to see you. Why wouldn’t he know you?” says Nancy Belter.

“So John…your family has had a seat in the US House of Representatives for decades? And you’ve been wealthy for generations now. I know your name! …And you’re friends with Jim Craft? Who’s family basically owns the Baaken?” asks a North Dakota woman.

“Oh yes! We’ve been in each other’s weddings. We’ve been friends since our college days at UND.” says John.

“That’s such a lie.” says Mr. Blue.

“No! It’s not!” yells Nancy Belter.

“Are you trying to impersonate a rich, spoiled brat?” John Belter asks the Bat Crew.

“I think UND is a bigger deal to North Dakotans than to the rest of the country.” says a North Dakotan, humbly.

“It is!” says Bobby. “I’ve noticed that too.”

“So does my alma mater mean as much…in North Dakota?” asks Erin Ryan. “Not that I care! North Dakota old money?!”

“Yes and no.” says Dr. Laura Tonkin, Lacey’s old viola chair mate.

“Erin…an Electoral College vote. A knighted author. A continuous US House of Representatives seat? For several decades…at least. …Trillions of US Dollars in the ground. How is that not old money aesthetic owned in the ground.” asks John Belter.

“It’s North Dakota!” says Mr. Brooks.

“So what? The Electoral College Votes?” asks Wes.

“Yeah! It’s not California.” says Chris Hayes.

“Right! But that’s not what determines old money status.” says Wes.

“What is Belter?” asks Casi.

“German!” yells Nancy.

“And Craft is Norwegian and German?” asks Casi.

“Yes! It’s Kraft formerly. And now it’s Craft. We’re Norwegian not German. Nesheim is Norwegian.” says Ron Craft.

“And it was Simen Jóhannsson?” says Ingeborg laughing.

“So you feel old money? But…you’re still cowering to the oppressor?!” says Casi.

“How are the British our oppressor?” asks Ron Craft.

Lord Thirsten laughs. “Simen is an awful name in America to have! Come on!”

“Okay! So the King of Norway knighted Simen?” ask Casi.

“Yeah.” says Mr. Brooks.

“But Craft is German!” yells Casi.

“Try again! There were lots of German farms on Norwegian soil. Her family is Norwegian. They took on a German name. They weren’t really peasants though, so be careful. You’re broke.” says the King of Norway.

“See that’s why I keep going back to the Electoral College votes in North Dakota.” says Mr. Brooks.

“I hear you. But they’re not going away!” says John Belter.

“So she doesn’t lie?!?” asks Casi.

“How long have you known Ruth?” asks Mr. Cologne 76 of Jim.

“I’ve known Ruth since Becca my first wife and I met her at Bethany School of Missions.” says Jim.

“So…you’re a traitor!” says Mr. Cologne 76.

Jim thinks. “Well…I got lonely. Becca left me.” says Jim.

“Becca is hurt.” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“Huh. Okay… Well. That’s just how it goes, I guess.” says Jim.

Mr. Cologne 76 rolls his eyes. “You know. Dating her friends.”

“Fine.” says Jim.

“That’s mean!” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“Well…huh. Okay.” says Jim.

“That’s the father who raised you?” asks Casi.

“Yes! Doesn’t he sound so old money?” asks Mr. Brooks.

“So do I! Both on the blog and in person.” says John Belter.

“Yeah! An old money family wouldn’t probably recognize my greatness.” says Chris Hayes half joking about it.

“Would you date Lacey?” asks Joni.

“Are you asking me on her behalf?” asks Mr. Blue bashfully, like a terrified hit movie star avoiding the paparazzi.

“No. We’re just curious.” asks Bethany.

“Umm…she’s my type. But no.” says Mr. Chris Hayes.

“She’s so not your type!” says a Nesheim.

“She’s…probably a peasant. To be honest. And she’s married. And so am I!” says Chris Hayes.

“We’re not peasants. We’re Midwesterners.” says Krystal. “And West Coastal folks too.”

“Yeah! I’m sort of connected to them too.” says a San Francisco elite who’s liberal and owns a $5 million dollar house.

“So…it’s weird. Why are you all still trying?” asks a Russian.

“I bet it’s a big deal to own a $5 million house in San Francisco for her family!” says Chris Hayes in tears.

“Well no. It’s not.” says Wes.

“How do you not get it?” a German asks Chris Hayes. “You’re vulnerable to poverty still