Boom, Byotch

“Turns out that the Native Americans in the western part of North Dakota, possibly think they’re BRITISH. Why?” asks Lacey.

Lose Yourself by Eminem plays.

“Why?” asks Rod Sterling. Rod Sterling of the Twilight Zone.

Turns out they…were told that. They were…informed by self-proclaimed experts in the Illuminati…within the last five years. And…instead of thinking they were peasant British…they assumed they were…ALL titled aristocrats. Literally. The HIGHEST thing to exist in all of humanity.

“The problem is…it’s the poor Irish of Brooklyn and The Bronx’s fault. The poor Irish of all of New York. And…they…aren’t happy about their mistake.” says Rod Sterling.

“I’m not to blame?” says Heidi H. of North Dakota.

And that’s when…the poor, dear…downtrodden Native American communities of North Dakota…psychotically decided they were actually British. …Actually British.

Lights Go Out by Jauz plays.

“Darling…I’m gonna need my tea served.” said a Sioux woman to her best friends. “By ten. This morning. Latest.”

The song plays as they do their dances. Their traditional dances.

THEIR traditional dances.

Not BRITISH dances.

IPlayYouListen by ODESZA plays.

They dance around like elite SIOUX leaders, and regular ol’ middle class Sioux? Do they have a class system? …In circles. To BRITISH MUSIC. To the BRITISH…SOUND.

Sound…

“We’re tolerating you!” they all yelled at Lacey in 2021. “Go to eternal Hell you Irish piece of trailer trash.” they sincerely yelled at Lacey and her entire family due to their spiritual traditions.

“Boom, bitch!” the dirt of Eastern North Dakota yelled at the Western portion of the state. The Gatz family of where?!

The only geographic place based on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s description that makes sense is Western North Dakota. But…there weren’t almost any poor Jews in Western North Dakota.

So…maybe…the Gatz family of? Because…there weren’t any poor Jewish farmers almost anywhere…in NORTH DAKOTA. …There may have been some in Wisconsin???

So…on behalf the possibly entirely imaginary Gatz family- …Could F. Scott Fitzgerald have been suggesting that he…was…not…human? Was he trying to leave coded messages behind?

???

If…not…then…

Maybe…

Scott…that was a possibly egregious error.

Like…possibly endangering national security.

His family’s title…may have meant something to Heaven. Like The Star Spangled Banner. Stuff like that.

The thing is…there are parts of Eastern North Dakota that are very rich. Like the Belters.

And then there’s parts of the entire state that are quite trashy. And…out west…the poor are better off. Or were. In my opinion.

The land was dry…and hilly…and WESTERN.

Like the Wild West.

And the Nesheims and Crafts and Estvolds and Kinos and McCarthys and Soldbergs…and Oppenheimstedts…were…GLORIOUS. In their own Norwegian, Swedish, Irish…way. Their own British way in rare cases. They are the pride of the beleaguered West Virginia in World War II through the Nesheim family. They were the pride of Tennessee. Of Kentucky… Of white Americans in those states anyway.

The West took care of it’s own. The West in North Dakota…gave the poor dignity.

During the Great Depression the poor left Western North Dakota. But…they were…allowed the freedom to be poor with dignity.

Simon Johnson who was knighted by the King of Norway cared about the poor Norwegian immigrants. He was worried they drank too much. Extremely worried.

And…as he meteorically rose up from supposed poverty to real abundance and grandeur…he was dumbstruck by the poverty he saw in his hometown. And…in the 1980’s his descendant Jim married Rebecca. And the silversmiths of Norway in the Berges were intertwined by marriage and the birth of Karrie Linn Craft. They became the same people…in a sense. They fixed the possibly evil oversights of Norway…using the American Dream.

And in Minnesota they weren’t the Nesheims.

“So the noise pollution and other pollution we’ve created has destroyed the Kennedys and made the superbly quiet Nesheims our new ‘Kennedy family’?!” says a Satanist.

“Huh. Maybe.” says Al Franken.

“See…Eastern North Dakota is like…Western Massachusetts?” asks Scott Fitzgerald who possibly lied about how superior Scandinavians were to him in America socially out of supreme cattiness and class insecurity. There were very obviously wealthy and elite Scandinavians by the time he was a teenager. But he was too prideful and mentally-ill (?) to handle that? So he claimed at least once that’s been recorded if not more often that they were ALL still poor or always had been.

“Louis’s second wife wasn’t the pride of Scandinavia.” says the King of Sweden at the time. “They were probably middle-class or poor.”

“We weren’t all like that Scott.” says a very wealthy Scandinavian man who’s house never invited Scott to tea?

Ode To My Family by The Cranberries plays.

“Were you bullied because you were a prick?” asks a Scott’s father.

“You’re only correcting me because I told you to!” yells Scott.

“Are you sure? I might not be.” says his father oddly.

And at that a demon punches him in the face.

Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper plays.

So…Eastern North Dakota…was merely a highway eventually. Shopping malls. A few cities. A couple of decent schools or so. The Belters and their friends. Like the Stavatags. Also friends with Jim.

Those people are obsessed with being Minnesotan. Or like the Minnesotans.

In narcissistic anticipation, “So you’re not a woman anymore and if you are a woman you’re a lesbian!!” say all bitch women alive to Lacey.

“No!!” yells Lacey.

Anyway. The Eastern part of North Dakota is comprised of posers who desperately want to be from Minneapolis. Perhaps parts of Western Wisconsin are the same way.

“So we see her glory and want it. And destroyed Roe Vs. Wade and other things…to prove our superiority.” say all living bitch women. “Fine! …We’re still sex angels from Heaven!”

“I’m her equal! I’ll relate to her!!” yells Enya.

“Except you’re ugly compared to her.” says Camilla.

“You’re not as besuited to glory as me!” says the delusional has been artist.

“I’m only midly less attractive than you. At best.” says the literal Queen of England.

“You don’t think the Queen of England is more glorious than you?” asks King Charles.

“No. Not really.” says Enya flailing her tits for EVERYONE to see.

“I flail my tits too!” say most Boomer, Gen. X, Millennials and Gen. Z women. “It’s about being liberated!”

“But…what if we get pregnant? Or it repulses men?” asks a Millennial.

“Gee. That’s-Sobdobdash.” says Enya. “What a narcissistic bitch!”

“I hope she realizes how nice we are!” yells all living bitch women.

“What the fuck are you all talking about?” ask the Sioux who have wisely stopped dancing. Of course. “What specifically are those women talking about?”

“We’re incredibly nice! We’re so nice!!” say the women.

So the Eastern part of the state is poor or very new money rich. Only old money if the Belters are able to recognize them as old money. Period.

“We’re gonna just drain the western part because they’re all a bunch of dumb bitches out there and then we’re going to get filthy rich out here in the ass-East…so we’re gonna turn into Minnesotans. Ahh…kind of like in Minneapolis or something but sexier or something…and I mean it’s just gonna be super…super hot!” said Eastern North Dakota in 2005.

“You wanna see my vagina?

The thing you should know about me is that I am different than all the other women you’ve ever met…but at the same time…I am not…because I am like them.

Them!

And they love me!

And we’re all best friends.

We all share the same underpants…and skirts…and bras…and the same everything…

And…we have a magical were super powers.

So crawl in my VAGINA. V. A. G. I. N. A.

And in 1973 when they passed Roe versus Wade it gave me the right to kill…to kill you you! So say thank you, ma’am!

Say ‘THANK YOU M’AM!’

You say, you, say…’Thank you ma’am!’

You say, ‘BEAUTIFUL ma’am…you’re the queen!’

You see you’re not a person anymore!

You’re a queen and you’re hot…and you’re sexy…and you’re classy…and and that’s the story of my life. I’m always too nice.

So if I look ugly, ‘KISS MY ASS!!’ Don’t drop the ball. Or I’ll bite your head off and send you to eternal Hell and expect a thank you note. Thankfully.

If I kill you in your own bedroom room you say, ‘Honey, I did it. I’m wrong. And you’re welcome!’ Because I’m nice.

I’m nice!! I’m nice!!!! I’M NICE!!!!”

say all living liberal bitch women to all living indigenous people.

“So what? I’m going to be beautiful.” says Enya.

“We are ugly. Despite what everyone says.” says Elsie Hill, sincerely. “I don’t care what my husband says. He’s lying.”

“Why would he do that?!” asks Louis, rolling his eyes.

Elsie shrieks.

“Why does that bother you?!?” asks Louis.

“Because! Why would you want to fuck me?” asks Elsie.

“Because…I found you attractive.” says Louis.

“WHY?!?” asks Elsie.

“Because I’m…” Louis thinks. “I’m in love with your…hair…and…your eyes are ugly…but…not to me. I love when you giggle. Or I did. They’re…dear. Or I had always hoped they would be.” He thinks. “You looked exotic to me.”

Lem sighs.

“I don’t want to get in your vaginas.” say all indigenous people to liberal bitch women.

“I’ll get you later!!” many liberal bitch women yell.

“No. Louis that’s too much love!” says Elsie.

“Why?!” asks Louis.

“Because you should…be…wise. But…I also want to be perfect. No mistakes.” says Elsie.

“Yes. So do you!” says Louis.

“You have HUGE mistakes!” says Elsie.

“Yes. But…not as many as you. Why do you care?!?” asks Louis.

“I’m afraid of some better looking woman stealing you from me.” she says.

“That’s not necessarily a legitimate worry in every case.” says Louis.

And at that Bobby Kennedy Sr. starts screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs.

“I might have wanted that. But not more than I wanted you.” says Elsie in response to Louis alone.

“Are you gonna fight her for me?” Louis asks Lacey.

“Yeah!! I was wondering the same thing about Zelda!” says Scott.

“Isn’t that perverse?” asks Lacey.

Scott laughs. Then Louis laughs, but he’s not entirely sure why.

“Right. But is it?” asks Lacey.

Anyway…the plan to humiliate Western North Dakota didn’t work.

“You’re supposed to compete!” yells Louis.

“Why??” asks Lacey.

“I know they won against us. But they’re like the British. And so nice. …As long as Lacey shows-up.” says Nazi Germany in Purgatory.

A Sioux woman smiles and cries in sad…thoughtful…grief.

“Why is she supposed to compete?” asks a North Dakota farmer.

“Because then we know we’re loved.” says Louis, crying.

“Isn’t that rather effeminate on your part?” asks Lacey in a crisp, loving British accent.

“I agree.” says Richard Yates, meaning he agrees with Lacey.

“Because if you compete against my wife, you lose. And that’s why you don’t compete.” says Louis Hill Jr. to credit.

“Oh, I don’t get why I give a fuck about you then as far as romantic sexual relations go.” says Lacey in a British accent.

“Do you actually think you’ll lose. Or is that my delusion?” asks Louis.

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Could you answer a question!? What in the world is wrong with you? Answer my question.” says Lacey.

“You compete to get me?” says Louis.

“Why!?” asks Lacey. “Who are you?!?”

“Oh.” says Louis, gobsmacked.

“That’s absurd.” says Lacey. “I don’t have a penis, Louis.” She thinks. “Are you looking for a man?”

“No.” he says.

“Then why in the world am I competing for you?” asks Lacey.

“You’re supposed to get all dressed-up and show off! And show off your body. And then if I don’t notice you, you’re beneath me socially.” he says.

“Yes! But then that makes you a sexless fool.” says Lacey. “How is that not castrating humanity?” asks Lacey.

“Because then you sneak into my room and seduce me. Humiliating you and your family for being actually far superior. And then…I suck your shit if I’m not a psychopath.” says Louis.

“Yup. And then you suck your ugly wife’s shit to pretend you were…profoundly desirable?” says Lacey.

Later.

“I was profoundly desirable.” says Louis.

“That’s true.” says Lacey.

“I don’t save people.” he says.

“Oh! Right?! Competition! You have yet to explain.” says Lacey.

“It’s about winning me.” says Louis.

“Oh! Oh!” says Lacey. “Why don’t I just kill you because I can’t stand you anymore?”

“‘I’ve got to go. I’m on the rag, and I need to change my tampon!’ is what you should say.” says Jerome Hill.

“I don’t have the physical strength to compete the way that you want me to and have any interest in it. I don’t have a penis Louis. So why do you keep trying to manifest a penis within me. It doesn’t exist!” says Lacey.

“So it just seems totally pointless to you?” asks Louis.

“I think Louis is misunderstanding her social bracket. Lacey is not as bourgeois as you, she believes in actual love. And there’s no competition with her at all in marriage. And that’s important to her.

Actually it’s probably disgusting and perverse to people like Lem and Lacey and I.

People like you who really are actually apparently far more new money than you should be even in Great Britain like Jane Austen herself…have absolutely no fucking clue how marriage and love actually work at all.” says Lady Diana Spencer.

“I think that Mr. Blue made an erroneous argument possibly that he can’t let go of and he’s destroyed the world in the process over the last seven years. Will he end-up destroying the entire world literally? Well…we’ll see.” says Lem.

“So it’s just-it just seems like homosexual to you?” asks Louis.

“Yes, it seems extremely perverse. I said that about an hour ago at this point practically.” says Lacey.

“But then how do you get a guy?” asks Louis.

“Did you hear anything I just said?” asks Lacey.

“So see you-it actually is a homosexual version people practice of straight marriage?” asks Enya.

“Oh and I think it is! I think it’s very bourgeois, but the irony is that it really weirdly for some reason also is or morphs into exactly what you’re saying! A homosexual-heterosexual marriage!” says Lacey.

“I didn’t. I didn’t realize-I didn’t realize that I was in a homosexual marriage.” says Louis.

“How did you not realize that?!” asks Lacey.

Silence.

“You’re not intimidated?” says Louis.

“Why are you insisting I’m a man?” asks Lacey.

“Because it hurts my ego!” wails Louis.

“Should it!?” asks Lem.

Crickets chirp in West Virginia for Louis

“I don’t understand you people.” says Louis.

“Yeah! She’s right!” says a woman who’s husband was a coal miner in West Virginia.

Ashes To Ashes by Warpaint as a cover for David Bowie plays as sung by Heart with a Scottish accent.

The song plays.

The song ends.

Ashes To Ashes by Warpaint plays as sung by Warpaint.

In the 1940’s in Great Britain Kick Kennedy sat in a bedroom on her wedding night with her British elite husband. And unlike Jack who seduced Lem into homosexuality ? he may not have experienced ? …she…had…no…fucking clue how to have sex.

Kick wanted to do her family proud and marry into as high of rank as she could. So she decided to viciously set her sights on English titled aristocracy and work whatever meager sexual charms she had on her prey.

…The problem is…Kick may have been retarded. Literally. So…she…forgot…that she didn’t actually know about sex as the sex magnet goddess she professed to be.

So…on her wedding night…she and her husband sat staring at each awkwardly for hours before her husband may have given-up some happiness and just decided to literally jump on her and have his way with her.

“Are you sure you could have figured it out?” asked Kick of Lacey condescendingly this spring.

Lacey thinks.

(Adult content below)

“Yes. Was he retarded too?” asks Lacey.

“No!” yells Joe Jr..

“Is that why they killed her? Because she was a disgusting con artist?” asks Lacey.

“Possibly.” says dead M6.

“Oh my god! They killed me?!” asks Kick. “But we were best friends!”

“No! If we did…you were indeed disgusting.” they say.

“Why?!” she protests.

“You stole his life.” says dead M6. “You were disgusting!!” they yell. …”You stole another young woman’s HAPPINESS!”

“We HATED you.” says a dead English aristocrat to Kick.

Aghast, “Yeah right!” says Kick. “This is snobbery!”

“Kick…snobbery is real…but not as real as you wish.” says Rose.

“Then why did they say that she was their favorite American ever?” asks a reader.

“To lie. They planned to kill her after her wedding night, they were so profoundly repulsed.” says dead M6.

“Because they felt cheated?” asks a reader.

“Because they found out…that her hump was a symptom of her inability to comprehend certain things. She…wasn’t just being incredibly humble and cheerful and endearing. She was…actually slow.” says dead M6.

“I might be slow cognitively too.” says Casi.

“The perfume community never catches on to that. I just slightly assumed that eventually. But…they never seem to catch that.” says Lacey.

“It’s weird.” says Casi.

“Yeah.” says Lacey.

“I HATE it.” says Lacey.

Casi laughs. “It’s obvious.”

“Yes! It’s gross that they don’t see it.” says Lacey.

“Is it?!?” yells the pencil skirt perfume wearer.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Why!?!” asks the pencil skirt perfume wearer.

“Because it’s SO obvious.” says Lacey.

“Do you blame the British for not noticing my…tenseness?” asks Kick.

“Yes!” says Lacey. “Slightly.”

“They noticed eventually!” says dead M6.

Lacey smiles. “Why so late though?”

“She seemed…playful!” says a British woman.

“And mysterious?” wonders Lacey.

“Yes.” says someone.

“It’s amazing though.” says Lacey.

“They killed her??!” yells Dmitry.

“You thought because I was stupid…I would assume those posts weren’t about me?” asks Casi.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“They started researching her and studying her psychologically, and they started to wonder if there were things wrong with her that were disturbing. If they killed her. Also her father did contribute to the start of World War II and after her husband died they especially had become somewhat suspicious of her…because it may have seemed strange to them that he…didn’t have more of a will to live.

It’s sad that men don’t die in war, but it seems strange to them that he didn’t somehow protect himself more and then you know she never had kids…so she wasn’t getting pregnant and he wasn’t eventually ah…alive. It seemed weird somehow. Actually very weird to them…and then eventually, they found her carousing around with people who were less reputable than others… Pat might’ve been one of them, and the man that she died with was a womanizer.

They may have been planning to get married and there could’ve actually been a plan to kill them both, or they may have talked to him ahead of time and told him what was going to be happening and suggested that he would have to give himself up and wondered if maybe he would be better off dead and he may just have decided to die. He may have made the choice.” says dead M6.

“So…that’s dramatic.” says Lem.

“Yes! Well…I hope…that doesn’t happen too often.” says Lacey, suddenly bored.

Ashes To Ashes by Warpaint plays.

“Why…did they have to kill her?!?” asks Dmitry.

“Why is that boring to you?” asks Lem.

“Because…it’s…so obnoxious.” says Lacey.

“You’re getting used to Hell?” asks a demon of Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lacey to God. “Of course this isn’t likely Hell. Hell is FAR worse. But….it’s getting old.”

“So true!” says Lem.

“So you weren’t seduced by Jack?” asks Lacey.

“No!” he says.

The song plays.

“So Kick…why don’t you just explain your situation?” says Ken Burns.

“I was gay!” she says laughing.

“Did they kill Joe because of you?” asks Kick.

“Yea!” says Kick laughing.

“Why is that funny Kick?” asks Ken Burns.

“I just…don’t know how to explain.” says Kick.

“Try being real.” says Ken Burns.

“Yeah!!” screams Kick.

“Why?” asks an Englishman.

“Because I didn’t love him.” says Kick.

“They caught you fucking a man while Billy fought? How old was he? Or was he Joe?” asks Lacey.

“He was someone else.” says Kick.

“So you cheated?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” says Kick.

“With some man?” asks Lacey.

“Some…handsome…tall…sexy beast!” she yells.

“Was he very much in the aristocracy?” asks Clay Aiken.

“Yes! Very much!” says Kick.

“You’re still ENORMOUSLY enraptured by him?!” scoffs Lacey.

Kick laughs. Then she becomes embarrassed. Then she laughs.

“I’m not going to comment.” says Kick.

“Were they in love??” asks Lacey.

“No!” says dead M6.

“Oh. It was…love…but not love.” says Lacey.

“Yes.” they say.

“Why didn’t you get pregnant?” asks Lacey.

“I may have had abortions. I may also have had a surgery to sterilize my own womb.” says Kick.

“You had your tubes tied to allow you to have sex with other men when your husband was at war or close to it?!?” asks Doris Kearns Goodwin.

“I might have.

I might have just had abortions too. I never got pregnant and I definitely had sex so I was infertile, I had abortions, my husband was infertile or I had my tubes tied and that’s part of why they decided to kill me because I did stuff like that. I ran off to England and got married to someone. My parents didn’t want me to marry my husband.

I might have had an incestuous relationship with my brother or I might not have. The truth is though no I I just didn’t think about other people’s reactions. They thought it was brash.

I just told him when he was in a bad position to hear it and that’s probably how I was so evil? I was a terrible person…really terrible person.

I would believe in a heartbeat that my brother, seduced Lem and that it wasn’t the other way around and that it really was just Jack being gay and Lem being straight. That actually makes complete sense to me.” says Kick.