Le Dumb

Drive by Warpaint plays.

Lacey’s daughter is going to an elite private school.

Actually elite.

Not evil elite.

But how long will they last?

If they read this blog…they need to realize Lacey understands why. And then they need to be Christians.

“Don’t yell at us to be better Christians!” yells the head of the school.

“Why do you exist? If you’re not fully aware of your importance on Earth?” asks Lacey. “You’re supposed to be warriors for the cross of Christ.”

“True.” says a man.

“You’re afraid we can’t be trusted.” they say.

“My son isn’t stupid. And he kept running away. Don’t be afraid of man. Be terrified of God. …The poor matter. But don’t let them use my kids to start a communist regime.” says Lacey. “They think my wealth belongs to them.”

“It DOES!” yells an atheist dictator wannabe in Minnesota.

“Not legally.” says the FBI. “They’re not a monopoly.”

“They’re not really interested in this. Don’t worry!” says the atheist dictator wannabe.

“Yeah. They are. It’s their private property.” says the FBI.

“That’s sad!!” yells Gen. Z.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because by the grace of God…I hope they don’t realize that the Covid 19 pandemic was started to get your son off the hook.” says all liberal fascists alive.

“Yeah. That’s possible?” says JD Rockefeller. “I started the American educational system. I know the flaws. Right?”

“Your son is like Jack! So is your grandson. So is your great grandson!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“What?!?” asks Michael.

“I imagine Jack! To like you. At all!” says Bobby.

“So…who actually started the pandemic?” says Lem.

Bobby gets quiet.

“Well. If it was my fault…in any way…I’m sorry…but I’m not officially saying that.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“How…did you…do that?” asks a woman of Bobby.

“I…am…being…quiet.” says Bobby matter-of-factly. It’s hilarious.

“Huh. And yet you’re sincerely worried about vaccines?” asks Bill Gates.

“Yeah. He’s probably worried?” says a leader of a psychically dangerous communist group. “I run a group of gods!”

“We plan to steal Nesheim oil.” says a co-leader of the group.

Images of victory pop into their headed. It’s hilarious but they lack self-awareness enough to realize that.

“So you do or don’t believe in global warming?” asks Sarah Jessica Parker of the Illuminati.

They get quiet.

“Do you all get yeast infections?” asks a woman from West Virginia.

“No. Never!” say all haters.

“That’s…really unlikely.” says the woman from West Virginia.

“What about Polio?” asks the woman from West Virginia’s husband.

“No! We eradicated that! That’s hogwash!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “Polio is fine.”

“Why?!” asks Lem.

“Because it just is!” yells Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“What does it mean for Polio to be fine?” asks Sarah Jessica Parker.

“It’s okay. People die everyday!” says Bobby.

“Of POLIO?!?” yells George Bush.

“Sure! What’s the difference?!?” scoffs Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“It’s POLIO?!?” yells George Bush.

“Okay. Whatever. Grow-up!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“So…what about EBOLA?!” asks Africa.

“That’s…not the same.” says Bobby. “Ebola is bad. Smallpox, Polio and Covid aren’t as deadly.”

“What about Malaria?!” asks Lem.

“So you accidentally started Covid to piss off LACEY?!?” asks George Bush of Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Yeah. Whatever. Isn’t that a funny joke?” he says.

“Do you think it destroyed the school systems because we were mad at that school?!” asks JD Rockefeller.

“No. You weren’t!” says Lem.

“We were mad at the Illuminati. They are acting like sadistic, freakish beasts.” says JD Rockefeller. “Emphasis on beasts.”

“Yeah. Why do you guys want her oil?” asks the CIA.

“Because it’s OIL!” they all yell.

“And what are you going to do with it?!” asks the CIA.

Later.

VHS by Deerhunter plays.

A legitimate Brahmin in India empathizes with Lacey.

“It’s not weird to be so good.” says Lacey.

“They really don’t seem to cognitively comprehend that concept.” he says empathetically.

“It’s not necessarily the opposite. It’s just…humanity.” says Lacey.

“Yes!” he says.

“It’s like they have not only no sympathy for old money but also no sympathy for…sanity.” says Lacey. “Or order. Or breathing.”

“They can’t stop using the oil Lacey.” he says.

“I start losing my mind there, possibly.” says Lacey.

“I think they think it’s imaginary oil.” he says.

“So they’re accidentally committing suicide of the human species?” asks Lacey.

“They may be creating a rapture.” he says. “Of sorts.”

“Because the only humans left will be the stupid and evil poor?” asks Lacey.

“Being a gazillionaire means nothing.” he says.

“It sends me into a coma practically trying to comprehend how they don’t understand that!” says Lacey.

“Yes. Speaking of which…your family has $80 million in 1856.” he says.

“In the south or north?” asks Lacey.

“North.” he says.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

Moments later.

“I’m getting scary to them.” he says.

“Yeah! I scared them last night too!” says Richard Yates.

“So! What will y’all do with the oil?” asks the CIA.

Later.

Robert Kennedy Jr. literally tries to take over Lacey’s brain out of PSYCHOTIC jealousy over Lem.

Then he tries to trick very unloved, terrified, vulnerable child hostages.

“What?! Big deal. Children like being sick and abused.” says Robert F. Kennedy Jr. sincerely.

Sodus by Cemeteries plays.

Bobby Kennedy Jr. gets out of his pre-used, neon blue Lamborghini. Cameras get in his face. He acts ‘cool’ as he gets out of the driver’s seat.

As he (at 5 ft. 9 inches which is the same height as Michael Scott who often looks like a midget on The Office) gets out of his car he struts forward. A bounce in his arrogant, idiotic, almost brainless stride. He possibly shouldn’t have been born if there’s reincarnation in the Bible and his life didn’t need to be born. Truly. …But…he seemingly has NO awareness of this and thinks he’s a sexy, HANDSOME, SUPER DESIRABLE 27 year old GAZILLIONAIRE from the most important family to ever exist.

“Your father was a hypocrite.” says NBC to Bobby.

“What’s it like being…a hypocrite, Bobby?” asks CBS.

“Hey! Bobby! Bobby!! What’s it like?! Bobby?! Bobby?? What’s it like?!?” asks ABC.

“Bobby! What’s it like?!” asks NBC.

“Bobby?!? Please. Please. Talk to us!! We want to get in your brain!! We’re obviously soo obsessed with you!! Help!! Bobby!! We love you!! What’s it like?!?” asks ABC.

Spotlight on JFK. He’s sitting in a chair at a desk.

“What’s it like being a Kennedy?” he says taking off her shoes.

He is very reminiscent of Mr. Rogers in this moment. He crosses his legs. Rests his elbows on the desk next to him.

“It’s special.” says JFK. “We’re very popular. But…do you know why?! …Well…because I refused to be-“ he cuts off crying. “Lem…was…gay.” he says weeping. “But not in heart. In head.” He laughs maniacally and stares into the camera suddenly like a literal serial killer. A weird grin on his face. His eyes wide. “He was…my…”. He licks his lips like he’s demon possessed. Literally he sticks his tongue out bizarrely and almost like an animal. “PET!!” He giggles through his nose. Then he gains control of himself as he sticks out his hands like a zombie. His eyes flash open like Chucky.

September by Sparky Deathcap plays.

He shakes himself. Closes his eyes and rocks himself back and forth. Cries.

“I’m basically a demon now. Sorry.” says JFK. He calms himself. “Okay. So! …Lem…was gay.” he says. He laughs. Tries to eat the camera. Almost can.

The song plays.

“Umm…so…I’m…sorry.” he says rocking himself back and forth. His eyes are closed. They pop back open like Chucky. “Lem was GAY!!!” he screams. “Lem was…gay.” Then he falls out of his chair laughing. “But he wasn’t…homosexual.” he says on the floor.

On the floor, “See…that was the secret.” he says laying on his stomach. “That was the secret to our enormous social success. …Lem’s idiotically good nature. He masturbated. I sodomized him sadistically. …And then…we used that.” He closes his eyes. “Before I met Lem I wasn’t popular. Nobody liked us. But…my whole family sucked the life out of his body and soul and almost his spirit. Like vampires from HELL. …He was our…electricity.”

Palladio: I. Allegretto by Karl Jenkins plays.

Jack stares oddly into the camera. It’s a breathtaking moment.

“He’s not us. But…you didn’t know that.” says JFK. “He’s…someone else.” He looks down. “And that’s why it’s so…amazing. Because…it could have easily been SO many other people. …Maybe it was my sexuality that drew us to him. But…he could have been replaced. Gloria Swanson. Marilyn Monroe. Taylor Swift.

We…use our sexuality to gain spiritual power over you.

And…that’s why Lem is…in a sense…meaningless. He’s Lem. But…why does that matter?”

Bobby Kennedy Jr. turns around. “I don’t think you understand. My family cares.”

“About what?!” asks NBC.

Bobby thinks. Laughs like a sexy cowboy on a cigarette ad.. “I have…no idea. Maybe our exes.” He laughs. He plays with the dirt with his tiptoes.

“Your exes?!” asks ABC in awe.

“Yes!” he says. He thinks. He closes his eyes. “The world.”

Colorblind by Counting Crows plays.

“Gee. The world!” says ABC, gobsmacked.

“Bobby…what’s it like…losing your first fight?” asks NBC.

“You get back up and…try again.” says Bobby.

They all are in awe. They think.

“Bobby are you really a hypocrite?” asks CBS.

“I mean…I might have lied about how straight I am. But…as confusing and possibly insane as we seem…we’re so sincere. And so relatable. …And…no. You guys are awesome!” says Bobby.

Caroline emerges from their house on Cape Cod. “Did you know we grew-up in a landlocked state? Well! He did! Sort of. Connecticut. …We’re sort of old money. Like…generational wealth. But not that rich.”

“What are you all truly known for?” asks NBC.

“The Kennedys are super elaborate, psychologically sophisticated, brilliant, …psychopathic gigolos!” says PBS.

“Not Lem or Lacey? What about Joan?” asks Lem.

“We’re known for our ability to get people in seats!” laughs Caroline. “We use…our wits!”

“Joan was straight!” says PBS.

Breakfast At Tiffany’s by Henry Mancini plays.

“True.” says Lem. “What about…”

“Jackie! Yes. …Straight?” says a woman at PBS shrugging her shoulders.

“Yeah.” says Lem in shock.

“What is it about that that’s so shocking to you?” asks PBS.

“We’re very…unusual!” says Lem.

“You and Lacey?!” asks Truman Capote.

“Yes!! It’s terrifying!” says Lem.

“I get it. Class deserves a chance to…make sense and…be…healthy.” says Ken Burns.

“Yes!” yells Lem. “That’s scary!”

The song plays.

“But also…what the heck?!?” says Lem. “WE DON’T MAKE SENSE!”

“Lem you weren’t gay!” says BNS.

Lem takes a deep breath. “Yeah. …But…it’s not just that.”

“What the heck?! US Presidents control the media?!” says the guy Lacey lost her virginity to. “I’m so confused!” He went to UCLA for grad school and Macalester. He’s brilliant but this is genuinely all very shocking to him. He stands around spiritually staring at everyone…looking very much in awe. Then he walks off in a haze of intellectual wonder.

“What is it Lem?” asks PNC.

“Why?!?” asks Lem of India.

India smiles.

And India laughs.

“Lem are you British…by blood?” asks India.

“You can’t crucify Lacey and me…or just us…like Christ.” says Lem.

“Why not?!?” asks India.

“Because we aren’t Jesus!” yells Lem.

India thinks. “Lem. You know whether or not reincarnation is in the Bible.”

Mancini plays.

“Yes! But what if it’s not?!” yells Lem.

India thinks. “Thing is…we like the idea of having you held accountable fur the sin of the British Empire. Even if you and Lacey weren’t ever there, so to speak.”

Lem nods. “What do you want us to say? Reincarnation might be contrary to the inherently perfect Bible. But…we care.”

“You care about the old British Empire?” asks India.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Okay. Well…” says India, grimly.

“I WARNED YOU!!” yells the dead Brahmin at India.

“Don’t lie.” says Richard Yates.

“Lem. So! Why?” asks PNC.

“Because…we really don’t make sense.” says Lem desperately.

“So India can’t pay the bail for the Kennedy ego?” asks Janis Joplin.

“No!” says North Korea.

“Umm…well. So! What’s your feeling about America?!” asks India of Lacey and Lem.

Holiday House by Beach House plays.

“Lacey HATES it!” says Lem. “I…love Pennsylvania. She loves Minnesota.”

“New York City?!” asks India.

“We love it.” says Lem.

India partially walks away.

Lacey laughs.

“Oh so true.” says India. “We have very little idea how to help with this problem with Jack.”

“I just wish PNC understood.” laughs Lem. “Or PBS.”

Later.

“So you want your wife here while you’re told you’re not gay?!” asks PNC.

Barbie drives up in her hot pink Cadillac and farts as she sings Holiday House by Beach House.

Later.

Drive by Warpaint plays.

“We didn’t get rich off Ramen techniques.” says the woman from West Virginia.

“You were white trash!” says Lacey.

The woman laughs.

“We were…coal miners.” she says.

“Yeah. But that’s not white trash.” says Lacey.

“No. It’s not.” says her husband.

“I’m sure you had vagrants.” says Lem.

“Yes.” says the woman.

“They were trying to be you.” says Lacey.

“You think?” the woman whispers to Lacey.

“See…how is that not true?!” says Lacey.

“Because they were!” yells an Irishman who mined as a teenager in West Virginia.

“They were. But how many generations mined in West Virginia before they shut down the state and white people like Lem and me?” asks Lacey.

“Three or four?” says the Irishman.

“That’s significant!” says Lacey.

“It is!” he says.

“Funny how that’s not explained?” says Lacey.

“No. I don’t think it is!” he says.

“It feels like the lie is that you’re like recent Hispanics.” says Lacey.

“I suppose they’re hiding the stench of a dying country from the Latino immigrants?” asks a man from Puerto Rico.

“Let’s say that’s all it is. When did that happen?!?” says Lacey.

“The 1940’s!” he decides.

“After World War II.” says Lacey.

“But did- Nevermind. You’re right.” he says.

“But we keep hanging on! Because the south lost the Civil War.” says the Irishman from West Virginia.

Later.

“So what!” says Chris Hayes to all of dead West Virginia.

“Chris! Shit! Shit! Shut-up, my dude!” says Diego Blue.

“Why?! Man! We have it going.” says Chris Hayes.

“Blue…you…don’t understand.” says Diego sadly.

Breakfast At Tiffany’s by Henry Mancini plays.

What doesn’t Chris Hayes understand?

Well…gee whiz.

“Chris. That’s WEST VIRGINIA.” says Diego Blue.

“They’re all DEAD!” says Chris Hayes.

“Chris. We…talk to the dead for a living.” explains Diego Blue.

Chris looks at him gobsmacked. Nonplussed.

“Yeah. But…they’re dead.” says Chris blinking like George Peppard in Breakfast At Tiffany’s.

“You’re dumb!” says Diego Blue straight-faced, disturbed and sincere.

“You’re mean!” says Chris Hayes, genuinely hurt.

“Oh yeah! You want to explain to me how West Virginia isn’t a state anymore?” asks Diego Blue.

“No. That’s okay. It’s not a state.” says Chris Hayes. “No! I mean…it is.” He thinks. “Your people are so wise. And gifted. Spiritually.”

“You’re a dumbass!” says Diego Blue to Chris Hayes.

“That’s not true.” says Chris Hayes.

Later.

Black Car by Beach House plays.

“When I fell in love with Diego, I thought my whole world was turning into Breakfast At Tiffany’s.” says Batgirl III.

“I’m a lot like George Peppard in Breakfast At Tiffany’s.” says Chris Hayes.

“You are.” says Diego.

“I’m not in love with you!” says Erin Gloria Ryan to Chris Hayes.

More later.

The dumbasses in the Illuminati keep desperately taking turns trying to insult Lacey. And Lem. As profoundly…as possible.

“Yeah! Racism was doing extremely well earlier today. But in the last hour it’s drastically taken a beating.” says Jhumpa.

“Yeah. And turns out. I’m a bourgeois zealot. As in, I am violent fundamentalist bourgeois.” says Chris Hayes of MSNBC.

“Are you a terrorist?” asks a dead woman in West Virginia.

“Yes!” says Chris Hayes, laughing.

“Did Diego help you?” asks Nancy Nieves.

“Yes. Diego is my friend.” says Chris Hayes of MSNBC.

“I explained to him what being bourgeois means. He didn’t know. He just pretended to.” says Diego.

“Diego…I feel like it’s not your place to say that.” says Chris Hayes.

“Why not Mr. Chris?” asks Diego.

“Because…” says Chris. He laughs his jocular laugh.

“You’re an asshole!” yells Diego.

“No! Diego!” says Chris Hayes.

“Wait! So…the Illuminati are reptiles…who take children and Mexican day crossers hostage?” says a Trump quoting perfume hater.

“We are very concerned about the situation in California. With the fires.” says Diego Blue.

“What fires in California?” asks the Trump fan.

“Where are the fires this year?” asks Diego.

“Huh?!?” says the Trump fan.

“It is fire season!” says Diego cheerfully.

“Oh! You all start the fires?” asks the Trump fan.

“Yes!” says Diego.

“Why?” asks Nancy.

“To raise awareness of global warming.” he says.

“Because it’s real?!?” asks a perfume hater.

“YES! Climate change requires a remedy. But nobody is fixing it. So we start fires to raise money for the cause.” says Diego.

“Diego? Will they kill you for sharing this?” asks Dmitry.

“I hope so. Soon.” says Diego, smiling.

“Why?” asks Dmitry.

“Because. It’s nicer to be in Heaven. It’s getting so hot here!” he says, exasperated. “No offense to God. It’s HOT!”

“Where did you come from?” asks Dmitry.

“Dubai.” he says.

“No! In Mexico.” says Dmitry.

“Phoenix.” he says.

“No, Diego. Where?!? Where in MEXICO?!?” asks Dmitry.

“Cancun.” he says.

“We were having our regular margaritas by the beach and we turned around and saw Diego flying a kite. And I asked my darling husband, ‘Lover boy, who’s that man?’ And he said, ‘Why! Kate! It’s a model!’ And so I asked if he’d take a photo with us. Just to show off. You know? Like…we’re good-looking but not that good-looking and…he looks a lot like my husband but…he’s better looking. And then Andy saw. And Andy made a joke about using him to give Chris all the vacations he ever wanted. …And so…that’s how it all begins.” says Kate Shaw Hayes.

“But you all use body doubles anyway?” says Dmitry.

“We do. It’s common. But…Diego was an organically sourced body double.” says Mrs. Blue.

“He was.” says Kate.

“Why do you want to die?!?” asks Dmitry.

“Because! I’m tired. I work. A lot. …All In With Chris Hayes is exhausting. And…it’s…hot.” says Diego.

“So you’re totally unattached to life?” asks Dmitry.

“I’m not happy. I’m their servant. And…they’re nice. But…I’m…not wiling to go back to Mexico. It’s dangerous for me now. I have fans. They like the show. And I had plastic surgery to look more like him. …I hate these people. I’m…so messed up.” says Diego.

“That hurts. Honestly. I’ve never heard you actually say that. In any context.” says Chris Hayes.

“You’re not real!” yells Dmitry at Diego.

“How would you know?” asks Diego.

“Because! WE KNOW.” says Dmitry.

“So the premise of the blog…is that the perfume community called her a liar…and poor…and so now we’re hearing from the actual Illuminati…because her family has trillions in oil.” says Casi.

“Yes.” says Diego.

“Diego. We have lots of questions.” says a perfume hater.

“Why do they hide the Illuminati?” asks another perfume hater.

“Because they don’t like or trust most people to have that much power.” he says. “Or it used to be. Nowadays the peasants are running the Illuminati so…who knows.”

“What else? Umm…do you know where the children are??” asks the perfume hater.

“No! There are some in New York. In random houses. They’re hidden. It’s…part of why I want to die.” says Diego.

“Who sells the kids?” asks the perfume hater.

“I sold one once. And then I realized what I had done. So I shot myself in the foot. …They had to do surgery. …The kid…was given vaccines. They died the next day. …For real. …I could have been better. But…I’m just…hoping I never get that confused again.” says Diego.

“Where did you find the kid?” asks a perfume hater.

“They just brought them in a car. I’m sorry. To Chris’s house. And…then I got in the car…and they brought me to the house. And…I made $5,000.00. And…then I left. And went to send it to my family…and I felt like it was going to be…Hell. So I bought a gun and decided to bleed to death from my feet. …But…Kate got worried. They found me. And I was…unfortunately saved. Or not.” says Diego.

“Why are they doing this to you?!” asks a Gen. Z man.

“To be better looking on television and take vacations.” says Diego.

“That’s so shallow?!?” says Dmitry.

“They had servants! They have friends with servants. It’s common!!” says Diego Blue.

“So…you’re white looking now though?” asks a Chicano woman.

“No!” he says. “But on camera I look white.” He thinks. “Makeup. Hair. Lighting.”

Silence.

“I don’t sound like him though. So…they’ve edited my footage and added his voice.” he says.

“Wow. That’s really interesting. …Why don’t you leave?!?” asks a perfume hater.

“Because I have no idea what to expect.” he says.

Drive by Warpaint plays.

“The last time I went to Mexico..everyone knew me!!” says Diego. “The sex! Yes! But…it was…weird. I couldn’t handle it. It felt…like I had no identity. Even if I told them I was a doppelgänger that was…old. I felt…tired. I felt…sad. …Chris is wealthy. But a jerk. He’s a jerk. But…I prefer being there for him and getting paid to act on tv. It’s New York! …And I have. A wife. And a mistress.”

“Okay. That’s sad.” says the perfume community.

Ashes to Ashes by Warpaint plays.

“You were never in love with me!!!” yells Mr. Blue at Lacey.

“Yes! She was!” says Chris Hayes.

And at that a dozen narcissistic women masturbate as they sing Ashes To Ashes thinking they’re arousing Lacey or preferably some man who’s protecting her. Who she loves. They’re arousing no one other than possibly themselves.

Kick with her tragic humpback and Down Syndrome face wasn’t a sex magnet. That’s a bald face, cruel lie potentially.

“Did Kick have Down Syndrome?” asks NBC.

“She might have? You should know that. Do you?!” asks Lem.

“So she’s possibly got a learning disability?” asks NBC.

“She wasn’t…normal.” says Lem. “She did have an unusual slouch. LOOK!!” He thinks. “You overly criticize some and then make absurd excuses for others and pretend to be real. That’s gone too far.”

“That woman above is shockingly beautiful. But you lie about her face to yourself. And then you make Kick normal looking and totally unphotogenic and somehow a rare sexy beauty. Lacey is clearly unphotogenic. Why lie?!? It doesn’t help you. It’s psychotic.

Except…if the country is DYING…and we’re in decay…we might be in denial about weird stuff! Like…sex. Or….drugs. Or…music.” says Lem.

“So…Lem…why did you…want your wife there when you…found out you weren’t gay?” asks PNC.

“Because in my mind I have a wife.” says Lem. “Most of my adult life I had that feeling. It was absurd but I kept feeling that way.”

“Not like reincarnation but…like you were married.” says PNC.

“Yes!! Sorry, I did masturbate to thoughts of women. And…I truly suspect Lacey was that woman in my spirit.

…Hilariously…I was attached to her that whole time possibly that I was with her.”

“Huh. So you think you maybe never were attracted to men?” asks PNC.

“Yes. Why do you insist otherwise suddenly?” asks Lem.

“Because I’m an avid fan of never changing my kind even if it’s horribly wrong.” says PNC.

“Don’t!!” yells Burlington Northern.

“Thanks. I love trains. Goodnight.” says Lacey. “Bank