We Are The Champions

Harmony Hall by Vampire Weekend plays. Joe Kennedy Jr. is the primary vocalist.

(Adult content below plays)

This morning Lacey had sex with Lem.

The Illuminati was…overwhelmed, overwrought…and…flabbergasted.

Tonight Lacey is in the awkward and awful position of having to discuss the potential superiority of the Banks family. With Lloyd Banks. Who could be slightly British. Making them distant cousins, potentially. Perhaps his great great great grandmother or something was married in the eyes of God to Lacey’s great great grandfather. Great grandfather? Or something along those those lines. Making them genetically related.

It seems they’ve had to act cool while it’s awkwardly apparent they might both be gifted people. Their great grandparents could be in love still or not? Lacey feels like it’s awkward to talk about. They don’t know.

“You should listen to his music.” says a woman in the Illuminati.

“I’ll have to when it’s less weird.” says Lacey.

“Yeah! Chill, she’s afraid she won’t like it.“ says Eminem.

“He’s black!” says Thomas Banks. “Let our family be happy. Okay?”

Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend plays.

“He’s ours!” says his great great great grandfather in a protective way.

“That’s cool!” says Lacey.

His great great great grandfather laughs. He gets her lack of sleep and lack of pretense and lack of appropriate words.

“It’s a lot to think about.” he says. “She’s not white.”

“Except I am.” says Lacey.

“Exactly!” he says. “I think they took my heart the wrong way. She’s not my enemy.”

“It’s more awkward how exceptional we might be.” says Lacey.

Thomas Banks laughs.

“If she’s illegitimate…we don’t let go of our kids.” says a distant Banks. “You can’t destroy that. The British Banks have black American cousins who may or may not choose to be associated with us.”

“They often don’t see the problem.” says black man.

More later.

“If Lacey is related to him, this is not something that was supposed to be discussed the side of eternity, Lem. It’s very possible that if they’re that much alike, they can both handle it because they’re both extremely intelligent they could actually be a lot alike. They both took on the name Banks. And he became Lloyd and she’s Lacey. But that’s awkward isn’t it? Because if they are distant first cousins, I mean, what are they the Banks twins Lloyd & Lacey? Lacey & Lloyd? It sounds like a Vaudevillian act. I am quite sure that as adorable as that might actually be that that’s rather embarrassing. I think I’m sure he would rather do his rap, and she would rather write her blog and analyze perfume, and then we have to discuss the fact that they’re probably both successful adults. …What shall we make of that? If the family is so wildly intact…why? Are they an exclusive multiracial family in Purgatory? How embarrassing! …Because most families aren’t necessarily that determined or-“ says Michael. He closes his eyes. “She loves 50 Cent’s music.” He thinks. “What do you expect these people to do?”

“What do Lloyd and Lacey dance to?” jokes a white supremacist.

“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” says Michael. “At age 5.”

“This is her father.” says Mr. Banks. “He was brilliant.”

“Lacey catching her first fish. She’s good at it. And can filet it herself. This is easily one of her most awkward photos.” says Lem.

“Lacey isn’t photographed well.” says Lem.

“The problem is first of all Lacey is far prettier in person. People are throwing off by these pictures of her. And second of all she doesn’t know they’re not Lloyd Banks is a good person, or if he has good intentions towards her if he’s even in the Illuminati at all. Let’s say he is in the other illuminati. Let’s say he does have a good intentions, and he is a good person. It’s a shocking prospect to think that one of her cousins could be a rapper because he looks a bit like me and she loves rap. No, she really actually genuinely does love rap. And it’s strange to her to have that much in common with a cousin because if she is illegitimate, that is not what she grew-up with. And no that doesn’t mean that she is black. No it is that genetically somehow she appreciates what is considered a traditionally black form American music. And not in the way that most people in her generation appreciated it which is because it was cool, it was stylish, it was the form of music to appreciate. No, she appreciates it the same way that she appreciates jazz or classical music. No, it’s the brilliance of the art. And if you look at what I did with my life, you have to wonder if there’s something in our genes that makes us a bit threatening and then you have to ask yourself: How are we threatening? And…and that’s where my daughter gets terrified in at least one way because I was, arguably one of the most dangerous powerful men in America in my lifetime…and I wasn’t always on the right side of the law technically. Technically. And yet I came from old money, and my British family may be incredibly capable of being superior to racism. And I was elite on my mother’s side. It’s a lead as well…so you can’t exactly say that we’re common, even though we’re terrifying…and then you have to ask yourself: how was I legal? Was I actually being evil or was I keeping the US government from falling apart?

But we’re wild and we’re rebels, and we don’t ‘take things particularly well’ that are evil for the sake of the cross. …I was a Christian when I died. And I don’t know everything that my potential cousin has been involved in, but I bet you that if he’s completely legal he’s been associated with people who are not, and I know exactly what that means. I know what he’s responsible for most likely, and what he had nothing to do with, so be careful with me not the other way around. Ah…and you know what? I bet there are great many people who he’s friends with and people who I was friends with as well who would say, ‘Well, what’s the problem? These are nice people!’ because I’m a nice person and he might be a nice person too. And our family is stuffy, aristocratic and we don’t take people’s shit violently shoved in our face inappropriately, kindly.

Oh, Lacey may have black cousins that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s attracted to black men. Her black cousins may not be attracted to white women. I I would leave that one alone. Okay? Because you know-because we don’t really like being bossed around in that way. Not when all we’re doing is just being normal functioning functioning adults falling in love in Godly ways with other consenting adult non-relatives.

I am watching you people. There are a lot of us watching you people. Keep that in mind.

I but before you jump ahead, think about what I just said.

He’s a big deal. This blog is a big deal in a way if it’s real. I was a huge deal. My family is very likely old money and this is all stuff that she’s realized purely through telepathy. And that’s a lot to ask of her. It’s a lot to ask to process quickly upon threat of what? Death? Hurting her cousin’s feelings, hurting my feelings? That’s way too much! It’s sick! And I mean that as a compliment because it’s worse than sick.” says Thomas Banks.

“You guys are extremely serious. I just looked up Lloyd Banks and I’m realizing that he looks just as serious as you and Lacey.” says Casi.

“Well yes and if I’m related to him he is somewhat British. He is somewhat of a Banks. Umm…but you might say, ‘Well then maybe he’s been so successful because he’s somewhat British?’ The thing is I don’t think that that’s possible in the sense that those genes would have to be compatible with that intelligence otherwise something would go wrong.” says Lacey.

“I look very gay in my hands in the photo above. The way I’m holding the bow? My pose? But my face doesn’t look gay. My arms don’t look gay. …Jack does look dominant over me…and gay here. I ultimately look like a straight, awkward…sexually confused…nerd.” says Lem.

“I look so straight. Truly. Jack looks bisexual. …My hands are…loving Jack though. Caressing his shoulders. In appearance. …But what was actually happening?” says Lem. “I wasn’t in love and that’s the thing. I look like I was but I wasn’t. …I was trying to give him my soul…to make him think I was in love…as an act. So…I bent over and caressed him facetiously.

Why? Why would I do that? Because I wanted him to think I was devoted to him. It was a huge psychological advantage in the terrible, abusive, dumb situation I was in. …If he thought I was in love with him…he’d let down his guard and I’d win. I’d figure him out. …I thought he was my likely lifelong partner. By chance. And I aimed to make the best of the rotten situation. Thing is…I’m cringing in this photo too.” says Lem. “I look almost too happy. “

“So you lied?” asks Lacey.

“In a way, patronizingly, yes.” says Lem. “I intended to be the man in the relationship. Steadying. Calming. But I actually gave him nothing of myself. Of my heart, that is.” He thinks. “It’s ironic. I was the distant, loving but secretly separated husband…to a man. …And that’s bad. Because you never got that…with me.” He thinks. “You…have a right to be devastated. But…not to the same extent as if I’d given him my actual heart and soul in reality.”

“Lem you’re being violent. Watch yourself.” says a Mr. Banks.

He thinks. “I messed-up.” he says to Lacey. “I would never lie to you. At all. But…I have had the same approach.” He thinks. “You’re very different than Jack.” He thinks. Looks fond. “You don’t know…but I’d try to lead him around and it was a struggle. I had to reason with him and he was…very selfish. And obviously masculine. I couldn’t win. Just…settle.” He smiles. “With Jack he’d come undone only in the worst way if I confronted him. With you…if I don’t confront you…you’re…impossible to control. Well…at least…when it comes to other men. But that’s not your fault. You…just…don’t…realize I care. And…

See…I love your character. And I thought that I’d be able to let you have lots of freedom. You’re not a cheater. But…that style of leadership…doesn’t work. Because of Jack. And your beauty.

…And yet…the kind of reasoning I did with Jack is offensive and hurtful to you. Because you don’t want to hurt me at all.

And…when I lead you…you follow…so well…it just…devastates me. Because I imagine you being that compliant with Michael or Louis or Harold and it…wrecks me. The way you overlook their flaws so lovingly makes me feel like I’m not special. And yet…I wonder. I wonder if you overlook mine a bit more.” says Lem.

He thinks.

“I can’t be so…distant. But…even if I am…you don’t make the same mistakes as Jack. And…it makes me almost laugh. …Where I expect pushback, stupidly, because I’m hurt…you run. And I fall on my face.” he says.

“I’m not going to respond on this blog.” says Lacey. “It’s too personal.”

“You have a better explanation?” asks Queen Elizabeth II.

“Yes. But she’s not Jack.” says Lem.

“Is it the same?” says Lacey.

“It’s more sad for him. I can’t get it out over the noise of the crowd, so to speak.” says Lem.

“I worry.” says Lacey.

“Don’t.” She says.