Just Like Jack

“Barack Obama is like Jack Kennedy!” they said.

“Bill Clinton is like Jack Kennedy.” they said.

“Isn’t Anderson Cooper attractive?” they said to primarily women.

“Aww! Let’s write a book about Jack…and Lem.” they said.

“Oh! Oh! How about we make Will & Grace have a character who’s self-aware in his own way, witty, proudly gay, oddly old money-ish, charming, sweet, decent looking…Irish…and name him Jack.” they said.

“Yes!!! And dark haired woman who has a drug addiction, with obviously big boobs yet who’s oddly slight similar in beauty to Lacey…but is Irish…and actually married to Michael Rockefeller…can be his bestest friend ever.” they added. “Let’s see. Let’s name her Karen.”

“And she can be sassy and into fashion!” says another they.

“My family is better than your family!” yells Rose Kennedy on a loudspeaker with her head sticking out of limousine. She’s very drunk. She’s slurring.

“That’s not my mom. That’s my best friend.” says JFK. “We party.” He thinks. “And cruise around looking for hotties.”

Leslie Jordan rolls down his window and waves. “I’m doing my best!” he says haughtily in the car next to Rose.

“That’s not my thing.” says Lem, repulsed.

“Welp! Gotta go!” says Jack.

They drive off.

“I have a question!” says Treb’s great grandfather.

“Yes?!” the CIA.

“Why are we…so obsessed with Jack?” he asks. “It’s bizarre. …I think…it’s disturbing. …And why are you obsessed with making Lem gay? Is it really about Lem? Or…is he incidental?” asks Treb’s great grandfather.

“Like he could be Red Fay? If Red had roomed at Chaote-“ says NBC.

“And was as good-looking as Lem!” he shouts, interrupting them.

“What if…someone better looking than Lem was there?” asks Queen Elizabeth II.

“We’d LOVE that.” admits America.

“So you’re all lusting after his life.” says NBC.

“Jack. We’re wondering if you’re a man?” asks all living gay man.

“Yes!! Of course.” JFK says. “The problem is…I can’t be gay. Because if I’m gay then everyone has to be.”

“Lem is incidental.” admits NBC.

“Did you seem gay off camera?” Chris Hayes asks JFK.

Rose Kennedy laughs. Cries.

“Then why are you obsessed with Lacey and Lem?” asks Treb’s great granduncle.

“Jack’s not camera ready!” explains Rose.

“Yes!! I sounded gay!” says JFK. “Lem doesn’t actually sound gay. I guess maybe he wasn’t gay. …But…I did sound gay. It was…possibly somewhat obvious in person.”

“This is REPULSIVE!” yells Rose Kennedy. “I don’t care what it says in Heaven is allowed! It’s not in my family!”

“Jackie didn’t notice you sounded gay?” asks Ann Curry.

JFK thinks…”I guess not!” he says.

“No.” she says, whispering to them. “I didn’t know.”

“Lacey would have instantly known!” yells Richard Yates. “She could read Lem too.”

“He seemed so…handsome to me.” Jackie says.

A gay man insists he can sound straight to Lacey. He can’t.

“Those are cows.” says Lacey, losing her temper.

“That’s a Mexican Opal.” says Lacey. “Art Deco.”

“There’s my first cousin’s $6 million estate.” says Lacey.

“A Berge silversmith.” says Lacey.

And at that Chris Hayes screams at the top of his lungs telepathically. Bobby chases him psychically.

“This is such fucking shit man!” yells Diego. “She’s a LIAR!” He giggles. “Let’s get back to how gay Lem is.”

Lana Del Rey cries. She slept with Diego. In an Illuminati ritual.

National Anthem by Lana Del Rey plays.

“SUCKERS!” yells Diego as he crosses the border into Mexico.

“LOSERS!” yells Mexico at the US.

“I’m FREE!” yells Diego punching into the air in victory.

“Diego we need you at work next week!” says MSNBC, coolly.

“YOUR LOSS!” says Diego.

“Diego! Come on man!” says Chris Hayes.

“I’m gone, Chris! Come catch me.” he says.

“Nah. You will never see Diego again. Trust me!” says a Mexican drug lord.

“I’m gonna look like someone else.” says Diego. “In three weeks.”

“Diego. You said you were exploring the Arizona-“ says the psychic.

Then he goes silent.

“When I was 32 this looked stylish. At 40…it creeps me out.” says Lacey. “The bag is gorgeous. Her hair is too…perfect. The outfit looks insane.”

More later.

“You’re like Cinderella. Except you grew-up to marry a man who didn’t love you. And then…you got savagely attacked by the Illuminati after almost losing your son to epilepsy. And then…never finding love.” says a woman watching to Lacey. “And then…you have become increasingly frail. Fell down the stairs. …Are looking forward to death in old age. And…then the only thing you have to look forward to is Lem. Who’s gave his virginity and supposed love to the wrong gender and to a hideous man named Jack. …How do you not hate God?”

“He didn’t cause it. And I trust Him. Nothing else makes sense.” says Lacey.

“Are you looking forward to being with Lem?” asks a living woman.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“You deserved some love and happiness in life other than in popcorn, sunsets and collecting things.” says a dead woman. She weeps.

“Yes! But…lots of people die unloved.” says Lacey. “Or have.”

“And of course…we hope they have a good time in Purgatory.” says the woman.

“Yes! But…I’m…not…there anymore.” says Lacey. “My happiness is possible in Christ. But it’s…not something I count on or even think about all that much.”

“You trust God for it?” asks a dead woman, horrified.

“No. I…suppose it’s still something He’s capable of wanting to achieve.” says Lacey.

“So…you’ve been Job your whole life?!?” asks Jonah Wiley.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “Isn’t that something?!?”

“You’ve always served God?!?” asks Jonah Wiley.

“Almost 100% always. Not quite. But too close for comfort, so to speak.” says Lacey.

“And you’re not angry at God?!” asks Jonah.

“No. I can’t blame an innocent God.” says Lacey. “Not really anyway.”

“Lem…how do you not get what a piece of shit you actually are??” asks David Spade.

“Because I do. I do get it.” says Lem. “I’m…horrified. But wishing I’d died or…wishing I’d thought of-“. He pauses. “I can’t wallow in it.” He thinks. “Lacey’s life is a mess.” He thinks. “And…all I can do is…is demand she be with me…and love her…and…pray…and…look forward to sorting it out for her when she dies. I can do some now. But it’s difficult.” He thinks. “It’s amazing anything has happened if it has…but…it’s not easy enough and it’s easy for her to misunderstand…through no fault of her own.”

“How much is your fault?” asks David Spade.

“Not much. Unfortunately.” he says.

“How much is her fault?” he asks.

“Not-Umm…”. He thinks. “Not much?”

“So you two are Rosemary?” asks David Spade.

“Worse.” says Lem.

“We’re obsessed with you two because of Jack. …How’s Kate?” he asks smiling.

The radiator makes a sudden loud noise in Lacey’s room.

David Spade hopefully takes the chance to pray to God.

“Okay!” says Sarah Jessica Parker.

More later.

“Wait! How do you guys not believe in an afterlife?!?” asks a perplexed reader.

“We make scientific excuses.” says Sarah Jessica Parker.

“Lacey you’re truly not conjuring them?!?” asks Jonah.

“No!! She’s just talking to us.” says Lem. “It’s out of absolute desperation and profound sadness and admirably stoic loneliness.”

“Can you actually make her happy?!?” asks a perfume hater.

“I’m all she has. Or she loses me. And I’m irreplaceable to her.” says Lem. “My life was a Hellish joke…on me.” He thinks. “I go on and on about my love for Jack and my lack of loneliness. And here she is…”. He goes silent. “A tortured saint.”

Crickets chirp.

“Her existence…which is the thing that matters to me most…beyond God and our kids…is one the worst case scenarios when you examine my life. …That I was straight. Not even bisexual. Not even pansexual. And…basically…living most women’s worst nightmare come true. That their beloved husband will somehow morph or be seduced into betraying them on the deepest level possible. …And yet…it was my nightmare too…if I was straight. I didn’t know…how miserable I was…and how dumb I was being…and there’s some solace for her in that. I…hurt her.

And now…as I watch her suffer…with my lingering evil words…my pain seems…like a…walk on the beach. …And I’m helpless outside of what God can do for me.” says Lem.

And at that they’re interrupted by evil hearted people.

“So your greatest suffering is in her pain?” asks Dmitry.

“And my helplessness.” says Lem.

“That’s merciful of God to let you communicate so clearly!” says a Catholic who worries this is real.

“I’m profoundly upset.” explains Lem.

More later.