Sweet Pete

Sweet Peter (Take 2) by Jelly Roll Morton’s Red Hot Peppers plays.

In one corner stands JFK.

And in the other corner stands Lacey.

“I counted. My legal husband has complimented me…about ten times in 13 years.” says Lacey.

“I used to compliment Jackie often.” says JFK.

“That’s wonderful.” says Lacey sweetly.

“Has Lem ever given you one compliment you’ve heard?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“No.” says Lacey.

“How often did you get sex from Jackie?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Every week or two.” says JFK.

Lem cries bitterly.

“How often did Lem compliment you?” asks Mindy Ratner.

Jack thinks. “Rarely.” says Jack Kennedy. “Maybe never in a real way.” He furrows his brow.

Shake It and Break It by King Oliver plays.

Lem stares at them. He blinks.

“I tried to compliment her.” says Lem. “She’s not hearing me.”

“Why?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“I expected her to hear it but she can’t hear that anymore.” says Lem.

“Is she really that pretty?” asks Mindy Ratner.

Lem laughs. “She’s far better looking!”

“I stole her compliments.” says JFK.

“Yeah. She was never going to hear them clearly anyway.” says Lem. “It’s her nature and she hasn’t been loved in that way by anyone.”

“Her husband must give compliments!” protests JFK.

“No! He doesn’t!” says Lem. “He states fact.”

JFK screams. “I wanted it!!!”

“You wanted what?!?” asks his psychiatrist.

“Lem’s heart and love.” says JFK.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

JFK scoffs at her.

“I don’t know.” yells Jack Kennedy. “Just because it looked cool.”

“Were there other cool options?” asks Tyrone Power.

“Yeah. Plenty.” says JFK.

“Then why Lem?” asks Hemingway.

“Because he seemed elite.” says JFK. “And I thought he was gay. And…I liked pretending to be Lacey.”

“Huh. You’re not me.” says Lacey. “And I’m not able to betray God enough to rescue you from your evil.” She thinks. “Actually, I don’t really want to betray Him at all.”

“What if all Christians are dead?” asks Mark Zuckerberg.

“I doubt it. But…then I hope we all die soon.” says Lacey. “Or some sort of rescue for those who aren’t zombies.”

Majesty by Marika Hackman plays.

Lacey listens.

“Lacey isn’t a Queen.” says Lem.

Bobby Kennedy Jr. shakes his ass to the song.

“Why aren’t you dead yet?” asks Bobby Kennedy Sr. of his son.

“I’m not going to acknowledge that!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. singing to Willie Nelson.

“I’d run off with Michael…but it doesn’t seem right.” says Lacey to everyone concerned. She yawns.

“I can’t let you take this away from me.” says JFK.

“Why?” asks God?

“Because I know it’s right.” says JFK.

Drive by Warpaint plays.

Jack Kennedy holds out one red rose to Lem Billings.

“I had a lot of time to think last night.” says JFK seriously to Lem. “And…it occurred to me…that…you and I are…basically the same person. You’re just like…the outward expression of my inward straight masculinity. And…I have a heart of gold.” says JFK. “I have no flaws. As you know. And…neither do you…sort of. We’re…sex gods.”

“Yay!” shouts Jill Biden, and dancing with Caroline Kennedy. Caitlyn Jenner chews her gum slowly in their posse, no smile. She pushes her sunglasses up her nose.

“Oh my god! For the love of Pete! JFK is so cute!” says almost every living American socialite.

And at that Caitlyn Jenner shakes her ass. And surprisingly she can actually dance.

“I’ll kill Lacey!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “I’ll sue her!!” screams Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “I’ll find this blog in my downtime. Because I obsessively read about myself online.”

“And then what?” asks Diego Blue.

“I’ll accuse her of endangering my life!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“How has she done that?” asks Chris Hayes.

“By making me sound mean!” yells Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “She’s the jealous bitch! I’M THE VICTIM!!”

Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend plays.

Chris Watts dances in his cell hearing this song in his head. He may never have heard it.

“I’m gonna do it.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Do what?” asks Red Fay.

“Win the US Presidency.” says Bobby Jr..

The song repeats.

“Lacey wins!” yells Diego.

“Why?” asks JFK.

“How the fuck did you morons think Lacey was anything but straight?!?” yells dead West Virginia.

“We made it real.” says the Illuminati.

“Where?” asks God?

“Sorry.” says Satan laughing. “Where?”

“I’m innocent!” says Chris Watts.

The song plays.

“How is that any different than thinking Lacey is gay?” asks Diego.

“Because I’m innocent.” says Chris Watts.

“Lacey is gay.” says the Illuminati.

“No. It’s not the same.” says his ‘subconscious.’

“It’s not?” asks the Illuminati.

“Come on dude! You’re not innocent.” says the Illuminati.

“Ha! Nah. It’s been proven online.” says Chris Watts. “God spared me. My girlfriend did it.”

“You did it!” yells NBC.

“No. You can’t so sure these days.” says Chris Watts.

“Lacey is going to be happy with a woman.” says the Illuminati sincerely.

“That’s dumb. She likes cock.” says Chris Watts.

“How do you know?” asks the Illuminati.

“Shannan told me!” says Chris Watts.

“Shannan lies.” says the Illuminati.

“No. She doesn’t. I know. She was…innocent. And my girlfriend killed her.” says Chris Watts.

And at that billions of people wonder if Chris Watts was innocent and Lacey is gay. They feel such united hatred for Lacey that it makes them feel high as kites on dangerous, Hell-bound demonic glory.

“I’m not falling for it.” says Diego.

“Why not?” asks South America.

“I am a genius.” says Diego. “I just can tell. Stop clowning around.”

“And Lem was straight?” asks Brazil in doubt.

“I’ve heard them have sex. Over 20 times.” says Diego. “In the last five months.”

“20 times?!” asks South America.

“Yes!!” says Diego.

“Diego. You are a genius.” says Peru, smiling.

More later.

“I keep being silenced by Jack!” says Lem.

“I know!” yells Diego.

“Thank you for vouching for us.” says Lem.

“I can hear you! Sorry!” shouts Diego.

“I keep giving her compliments.” says Lem.

“I hear a few of them.” says Diego.

“I told her last night that she has beautiful eyes.” says Lem.

“I heard!” yells Diego. “Lem, she’s not hearing you. Not really, brother.”

“Thank you for telling me that!” yells Lem.

“May God grant you grace, my brother!” yells Diego who appears to be Catholic. “I will pray to God for His will!”

“Diego is easily the most fascinating man in the world.” says a Real Housewife.

“Alive today.” says Michael Rockefeller.