Jack’s Take On It

String Quartet by Philip Glass plays.

“I love Chanel No. 22…Philip Glass…and Italian.” laughs JFK.

“Oh wow!” says Mindy Ratner says, sounding sincerely kind and impressed.

“Yeah.” says JFK. Then losing all patience and joy he suddenly says, “You’re being me.”

The song ends.

“Jack, analyze this woman.” says Mindy Ratner.

“Umm…she’s…a Billings.” he says grinning.

“What about her?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“I have no idea.” says JFK.

“What about her?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“She’s a goddess.” says JFK sweetly.

“Who’s he?” asks Mindy.

“Burrows?” says JFK.

“That’s…a man?” says JFK.

“I hate this woman.” says JFK.

“Why?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“She’s Lem’s ugly bitch.” says JFK.

“I love…when…men…” says JFK. “I was…arrived.”

“That’s that asshole, Truman Capote.” says JFK. “I think he’s evil.”

“Ha! You found a photo of my brother.” says JFK lovingly.

“I loved statues?” says JFK.

“That’s a nice house.” says JFK.

“Yeah. I’m handsome.” says JFK.

Silence.

“Rip Horton!” says JFK cheering. He whistles.

“We’re in love and married.” says JFK.

“Some woman and Joe?” says JFK. He shrugs.

“My boyfriend!” says JFK.

“Umm…a dying whore?!” says JFK seething.

“Look at her teeth!” says JFK. “Eww!! I’m better than you, you bitch!” yells JFK.

“She’s vile.” says JFK.

“Lacey? Umm…she’s…blinking?” says JFK.

“Aww! I love her!” says JFK.

“She’s?” says JFK.

“That’s Lem’s other half.” says JFK. “But…she’s so mannish.”

“I fucked the shit out of him that night! He came for me every day! I barely ever had sex. I was…Catholic. Umm…” says JFK.

He looks confused.

He shrugs.

“Umm. We…had sex.” says JFK.

“You had sex with her?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“No!” says JFK.

“I have a feeling you did.” says Mindy Ratner.

“Shush.” says JFK, grinning.

“No, you did.” says Mindy Ratner.

“She-“ says JFK. “She likes sex.”

“Do you?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“I’m not talking about this.” says JFK.

“No. Let’s. Tell me about her.” says Mindy Ratner.

“She was…my maid. And one day I caught her stealing my wife’s jewelry. So I told her I’d have to put her in prison.” starts JFK. “And then she said, ‘Jack, don’t tell!’ so…I fucked…her.” says JFK.

JFK looks confused. He laughs awkwardly.

“Okay?” says JFK.

“She’s very beautiful.” JFK says seriously.

JFK laughs.

“That’s creepy.” says JFK.

“Marilyn is hot!” says JFK.

“He’s attractive.” says JFK.

“Dammit!” yells JFK. “DAMMIT!!”

“Who’s that?!” asks JFK.

“A woman on the internet.” says Mindy Ratner.

“A nerd??” says JFK.

“Handsome young man.” JFK says, looking sad.

“Not funny.” says JFK.

“I can’t figure out if that woman is pretty or not.” says JFK.

“Is that Jesus?” asks JFK. “That’s…not right.”

“You don’t believe in bridal intercession?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“What?!” says JFK.

“Bridal intercession.” says Mindy Ratner.

“What?!” says JFK.

“Bridal intercession.” says Mindy Ratner.

“We don’t do that.” says JFK.

“But spiritual warfare exists?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Well…yeah. But Jesus isn’t for us to have sex with. That’s sacrilegious. Don’t talk to me about that. My time here is bad enough.” says JFK.

“She’s not mine. Even through Lem.” says JFK. “That’s what I’ve been told.”

“Do you believe it?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Yeah.” says JFK.

“Her husband never gives her compliments. And now she’s so isolated she rarely even gets asked if she’s ok.” says Mindy Ratner.

“Never?” asks JFK uneasily.

“Maybe once or twice.” says Mindy Ratner. “In 13 years.”

“Eww! That bitch.” says JFK.

“That’s the same woman.“ says Mindy Ratner.

“Well! What do you want me to do about it, Mindy?! I can’t help my attraction to Lem.” says JFK.

“You’re not even with him.” says Mindy Ratner.

“No. I’m not admitting defeat just yet.” says JFK.