Memories

Memories by Petit Biscuit plays through almost entirely as an intro.

Bobby Kennedy Jr. and Mindy Ratner do a rare interview.

“Bobby. So good to see you today.” says Mindy Ratner.

“Hello, Mindy Ratner.” says Bobby.

They laugh.

“God Bobby…you’re a rare bird.” says Mindy Ratner, sounding drunk and possibly horny.

He laughs as haughtily as a Kennedy can. “Mindy…why am I here today?” he asks, suggesting a firm masculine ability to lead, especially in a crisis.

She calms herself down. She must act professional. “I think you’re here to…tell me all about your persona on this blog.”

“Oh right.” says Bobby. “I suck shit on this sucky blog. FUCK YOU, LACEY!” he screams, sincerely.

Mindy laughs awkwardly. “It’s a…very curious blog indeed.” She laughs politely.

“Well…I tell you Mindy…the time is right for action.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Hmm.” says Mindy to sound deep and thoughtful.

Silence.

“Like your great father, Robert F. Kennedy.” says Mindy Ratner as a cue.

A short awkward silence.

“He was a man of action.” says Mindy Ratner with some tone of a bullied schoolgirl searching for a social lifeline.

Another awkward silence.

Mindy feels superior, “Your father inspired me to become an active and certainly altruistic American citizen in my youth. I volunteered for the Peace Corps because of him and your uncle…ah…President John F. Kennedy.” Mindy says.

Very awkward silence.

“I don’t think Americans today are as committed to service and respect, Mindy.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

Awkward silence.

“I think people are weird.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

Look What You’ve Done by Jet plays. It eventually lulls into a quieter version of itself.

“I have a hard-on, Mindy.” say Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“From what? The song?” asks Mindy.

“No. I’ve been staring at boobs in my head.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Why?” asks Mindy Ratner. “I mean, why have you been picturing boobs?”

He coughs. “Covid 19.” he says matter-of-factly.

Mindy Ratner is speechless.

“It’s Covid-19, Mindy Ratner.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “Are you a covert-op?”

Mindy is scared. “Umm. For who?”

“My ass!” says Bobby. “Just kidding.” He laughs.

She laughs loudly.

“Okay! So…let’s solve shit!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. sincerely.

“Like what?” asks Mindy Ratner sincerely, sounding curious.

“Like…me.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Do a lot of the men in your family…need solving?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Yeah. We’re all the center of the universe.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “Each and every one of us.”

“Huh. So…why do you all hate women?” asks Mindy Ratner.

Yellow by Coldplay plays.

“Women are…our weakness.” says Bobby. “They steal our sex. There should be a police force for that alone. And a CIA and an IRS and an FBI. Truly. It’s the worst thing ever. Or so I’ve been told countless times.”

“So you have a hard time resisting women?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“No. They metaphorically suck me into individual spaceships.” says Bobby. “And…sure…we fly to the moon and back…but…at the end of the day…Mindy…we’re…being used.”

“You’re not the ones using the women?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“No. We use women up until phase four of our sex journeys to the moon.” says Bobby. “When you reach phase four…the women either take over and use you…or…you find your twin flame.”

“I see. Have you ever found your twin flame?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“No. Never.” says Bobby. He starts crying. “I keep thinking I’ll find one.” He weeps on air. The sound of loud sniffling.

“Gee Bobby. Never?” asks Mindy Ratner.

He gets dark.

“You’ve never found a twin flame?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“No. I just…”. He laughs maniacally. “I…have…two marshmallows.” He says sexily. “One is for me. And the other-“ he says.

“Are we making s’mores?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Yes. But first…we need to build a fire…with our bodies…and find chocolate…and graham crackers. And matches. And something to burn.” says Bobby, cryptically.

“Sounds like…the flame is our hearts?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Huh?” asks Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Okay. Umm…why don’t you tell me…why you’re running for US President?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“I want sex.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“And running for US President will help you?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Yeah! I get lots of head!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

Awkward silence.

“Did you eat s’mores last night?” asks Mindy Ratner, suspiciously.

“Yeah.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“So…getting back to Covid 19…and vaccines…umm…why don’t you like…them?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Because…they make me sick!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. He laughs.

“They are…bad.” says Mindy Ratner. “Umm…so…why do you hate this blog?”

“Because Lacey is a nuisance.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Huh. How?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Okay. Let me explain.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “Lem Billings. Kirk Lemoyne Billings was gay.” he says with cold, icy conviction. “And…AND…AND…my uncle Joseph Patrick Kennedy Junior would never have married or even looked at any woman who wasn’t better than almost any woman to ever exist. He was the PERFECT ONE!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Jr.. He breathes heavily into the microphone. Everyone listening can hear him. It’s possibly entirely unintentional. “My uncle was…better than anyone to ever live.” he says like he’s about to literally burst.

“What was the best about your Uncle Joe?” asks Mindy Ratner.

Bobby Kennedy Jr. laughs like she’s evil. “He was…well… He was one of us.” he says with confidence.

“Huh. Yeah. He died a Naval hero in World War II?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“You must be obsessed with me.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. seriously. He sounds genuinely terrified.

“I read. A lot. And have cats.” she says self-deprecatingly.

“Who gives a fuck, Mindy Ratner?!?” he asks with much conviction.

“I do. I guess.” she says very quietly. “Umm…so…you…think he was better than your father?”

“Yeah.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Wow. Better than your uncle too?” she asks.

“Yeah. Of course. He was…dead.” says Bobby.

“Yeah. That’s true.” says Mindy Ratner.

“He died.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Well…as a hero.” says Mindy Ratner.

“He wasn’t my hero. My hero was my mother. My father was annoying.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “He was a dumbass who got himself shot.”

Awkward silence.

“Yeah. He was…a revolution.” says Mindy Ratner.

“He wasn’t. You didn’t know him, you stupid…ugly…annoying…BITCH!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“I saw him on television.” says Mindy Ratner.

“Yeah. That’s what they say, Mindy.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“No. I really do read for work.” says Mindy Ratner.

“Sure. I doubt it.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“I do. Really. So…what’s wrong with Lacey?” asks Mindy Ratner.

“Where do I start?” asks Bobby of himself. He looks profoundly outraged. “Her nose is a nose.” he says with conviction.

“That’s my uncle, Joe Kennedy Jr. and his nose wasn’t just any nose. It was the best nose to ever exist.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Now look at her eyes. They look like she’s either squinting or she’s mad…because she’s been hurt…or she’s just trying to look sexy and failing. Like…what sort of rude bitch takes a photo without considering everything people could find wrong with it appropriately? She’s a pics-of-shit! And my Uncle Bobby-I mean my Uncle Joe was perfect in every photo he ever took. We don’t have time for her imperfections.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, sincerely.

“See…gee. Look at him! He was amazing.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“He was.” says Mindy Ratner in a moment of candid sincerity.

“Yeah. I don’t even want to think about her miserable body and face. But…I’m trying to be nice to peasants nowadays.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“You look at her and wonder.” he says empathetically.

“What about Lem Billings. Maybe being such a worthless, mannish, ugly piece of shit they deserve each other? She kind of looks like Jack here?” says Mindy.

“Yeah. Aww. You’re kind. She is disgusting.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. in sincerity.

“You can tell she’s poor too. But mostly…she’s ugly. Her hands are-I mean her eyes are closed here. It looks stupid.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“That hat looks weird. Lem would hate her.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“That’s my mom.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “She has an elegant nose. Otherworldly beautiful eyes. And her mouth is kind of- She has great teeth! And…her chin looks normal. Actually, Lacey’s chin is vile and Nazis know it’s a sign of criminal behavior.” he says sincerely. “And…yup. Everyone knows my mom was extremely hot!”

“You know…as sexy as I’ve been told Eunice was…with her hot body- I’m not a prude. Umm…I look at photos like this and feel proud of my Irish Catholic ancestors. They were saints and rarely-I mean they were so good.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

Mindy is left speechless.

“There’s my goddess mom.” says Bobby laughing. “Geez. My worthless father was lucky-as-Hell.” He thinks. “He looks so tired. Stupid fucking moron. Get some fucking sleep, piece of shit. And don’t get shot, while you’re at it!” he says sincerely.

“I mean. Damn. She was HOT!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Jackie looks too skinny here.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. sincerely. “I mean…sure…her boobs were slightly small. But…look at that figure. Wow!” he says sincerely. “Marilyn was okay…but she was mostly just a trampy, fat cow.”

“That’s some…woman named Pat Wilson. I guess my Uncle Joe used to play with her when they were little kids. You know? Two mega rich, spoiled…ultra elite…rare, super wealthy kids.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Yup. Eunice and shit.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Yeah. There’s my uncle Jack. He made us famous. But he was also JFK. As in, thee J…F…K.”

“There he is with Lem Billings. This is my evidence that Lem was gay.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. smiling.

“There he is with Lem Billings again.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“There’s my Uncle Joe on the cover of a scholarly book written about him.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“There’s Marilyn and her ugly tits.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “I truly hate her.” he says sincerely. “I mean…eww. They pop out from her clothes. Like…why? That’s so unnecessary.”

“Aww! She looks weird.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “But…also…kind of stupid. I feel almost bad for her.”

“And there’s Jack. He was my uncle.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“And there’s Joe Kennedy Jr.. He was my uncle .” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “He had a HUGE COCK!” He laughs thoughtfully. “I me a look at him. The way he’s standing. So bravado.”

“Her tits are so small! Eww!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. sincerely about Lacey.

“There’s my ugly grandmother.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. sincerely. “I loved her. But she was…so…mean.”

“Who’s that? Umm…Wallis Simpson? And…ah…the Duke of Wales?” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Lem…hated Jackie. He was so jealous.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“That’s a fake woman. No one was that pretty. She’s a fraud. Her chin should be nonexistent!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“That’s photoshop! Or…maybe…” he trails off. “She looks like a man.” He laughs. “I mean…I’d have sex with her. But…eww.” He suddenly feels nauseous. “There’s something wrong with her. What is it?”

“That’s a demonic thing.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. matter-of-factly.

“Doesn’t Jackie look like Scotia too though? Such rubbish.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “Pish posh! Jimmeny Cricket! Hi ho cheerio! Cheers!”

“You know…I actually kind of think Lem might have gone for Grace Kelly too. Like look at her. She’s gross. Honestly. She’s gross.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..