Come Together by The Beatles plays.
You guys why does Lacey find me attractive? It’s so gross!
“Oh my god, honey…why?” asks his wife practically going into a seizure to be kind to him.
Feeling he’s won some perverse war against her soul he smiles. She rarely is ever allowed to be a woman with him for more than pictures. But she refuses to admit she’s just a loser.
“From the people who brought you Vietnam: Keen To Cross The Pond.” says a dead DuPont.
“What the fuck does that mean?” asks Chris Hayes.
And at that Jack Kennedy rips out his stomach with a butcher’s knife to try to give himself surgery to make a womb in his body to fool Millennial men. He realizes that they’re dead serious about him not being appealing as a man. But…he possibly doesn’t cognitive understand being told no and he’s evil.
A group of bourgeois white Boomers led by Chris Hayes whistle at Lacey like she’s a dog. They do dumb, awkward dances thinking they’re hot when actually…they quite literally look like a smelly fart in human form.
“I don’t get it! Why are we wrong?!” asks Chris Hayes.
“Chris, are you related to President Rutherford B. Hayes?” ask Selena Gomez.
“No! Of course not! Those people are such peasants!” says Chris Hayes, sincerely. “I mean I guess they’re consistent with the ‘Old Money Premise’ Lacey made-up to sound intelligent. But…ah…no. I’ve checked. They’re poor.” says Chris.
“Not all of them.” says a woman in Rhode Island.
“How the fuck would you know?” asks Chris Hayes.
“We just know.” she says.
“No. You have to have corroborating evidence. You can’t just assert speculation as fact.” says Chris Hayes, laughing in what he perceives to be sex-hued grandeur. “It’s…kismet.” he said with a hint of tolerance and acceptance for his…self-perceived equals.
Sand Dance by Temples plays. Chris does an awkward, weird dance.
“You’re just a loser.” says Dr. Norm Wilson to Chris Hayes.
“Are you kidding?! I thought we were really getting some traction with that sex dance of my wet dreams.” says Kate Shaw Hayes trying to join him but looking like a scarecrow blowing in a hurricane.
“Yeahs. We are. But…they’re too dumb!” says Chris Hayes.
“Oh shit! We won!” says Steve Carrell sincerely.
“Won what?” asks Chris, hyperventilating.
“The war!” says Steve running like a lunatic. He’s being sincere.
“You all are so needy.” says a woman to the evil Illuminati.
“Yeah. It’s an Illusion that we aren’t just like you.” says Chris Hayes as if he’s revealing a sacred book of profound secrets.
“It’s REAL!!” yells Chris Hayes. “IT’S REAL!”
“Her family controls most of our light crude.” says Perdue Chicken to Chris Hayes.
“So what? What the fuck is she going to do with her meager amount of power in her oil rich family?” asks Chris Hayes.
Kate twerks while have an orgasm from a demon. She looks vile and stupid and lacking empathy and self-awareness. She kisses Heaven because she’s a “bad bitch.”
“Except. I do generally just get myself off.” says Kate. “He’s shit in bed.”
“Kate is he even into women at all?” asks Isaac Mizrahi.
She thinks. Stops dancing. Sighs. Wonders.
Whatta Man by Salt-N-Pepa plays.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so confused.” says Chris Hayes. “How the hell does her inheritance work?”
“It’s like a share in two companies.” says Mark Nesheim.
Astronaut by Masked Wolf plays.
Karrie grabs Kate. Why? Because Kate is a Jew. Why? Because Karrie don’t play.
“Yeah.” say the Rothschilds.
“Does that mean anything to you?” asks Lacey.
“Just go! Just leave me alone!” says Kate to Lacey as she tries to carry her away in her escape crew.
But Lacey carries her away.
“Nah. We like that too.” says Africa.
“It’s survival.” says Lacey.
“It’s intellectually important to keep it all together.” warns Ernest Hemingway.
Lacey sets Kate down with her parents. She seems safe there.
How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths plays.
Pumped Up Kicks by Foster The People plays.
“We knew you’d have a problem with the Irish.” says Bobby Kennedy Senior.
“Except…what do the Irish have to say?” asks Lacey.
“From the people who brought you the JFK assassination: Keen To Cross The Pond.” jokes a dead DuPont. Lacey laughs.
“I’m worried people are going to start suing Bobby Kennedy Junior.” says Dr. Norm Wilson.
“For what though?” asks Lem.
Dr. Norm Wilson thinks.
“I’m still confused!!” whines Chris Hayes.
“Yeah. I’m getting bored?” says a man.
“Huh. Why?” asks Chris Hayes.
“I’m too stupid and rich to care or understand.” he says.
“Yeah. I guess they might struggle to find grounds.” admits Norm Wilson.
“He knows that.” guesses Lacey. “He’s pretty badass about it too. It is kind of admirable.”
“Yeah. Those fighting Fitzgeralds!” says Bobby Kennedy Senior.
“Are you in a power struggle in Ireland, Rose?” asks Ghislaine.
“Yes!” says Rose.
“Who’s wining?” asks Zelda.
“You’ve been beating us to a bloody pulp the whole time.” says Rose.
Lacey laughs. “Well…Bobby be doing writing now!”
Rose laughs.
“Which side are you on?” asks Bobby.
“Clearly I’m an observer.” says Lacey. “Why?”
“Why?” asks Thelma.
“It’s absurd to expect me to take a side, possibly.” says Lacey.
“Yeah!” says Thelma.
“I married a Swedish recording-“ says Margy. “But I might have died or divorced him.”
Sir Simon Johnson laughs. “From the great grandniece of Simen Jóhannsson: Keen To Cross The Pond.”
“He was my brother.” says Tina Johnson.
“I met you before you died.” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Tina. “Ragnild Johnson was my mother.” says Ray Craft, Lacey’s legal grandfather. “And Ragnild was Simen and Tina’s sister.”
“So you’re a big deal.” says Chris Hayes.
“In a way.” says Karen Craft.
“I acknowledge them as my family. Because they are my family.” says Simen Jóhannsson. “They own an enormous amount of oil. And…they’ve been rich for generations. And…I was born somewhat poor. Yet…I would anyway. They’re my family.”
“Yeah. We were rich. But we kept it to ourselves.” says Syd Craft to Lacey.
“That’s not necessarily a good thing. In every way or case.” says Lacey.
“Do you need me to kill you?” asks Lem Billings.
“Why did you tell people?!” asks Syd of Lacey.
She can’t answer.
“Self-defense.” says Lem.
“Who’s trying to kill us?” asks Syd Craft.
Suddenly Lacey can’t answer again.
“You’re not going to like it? Or they’re silencing her.” says Lem.
“She’s told me!” says Becca Craft.
“Then why don’t you care?” asks Syd.
Becca goes silent.
“You hate her…and you hate us…and you want to assume she’s the problem in her life in her life every time.” says Syd to Becca.
Later.
Becca refuses to answer.
“I’m very disappointed in her.” says Becca.
“Yeah. We all are.” says Terese.
“Why?” asks Maria.
Drop It Like It’s Hot by Snoop Dogg plays.
“Because she’s become…violent.” says Becca.
“Wow! How’s that, bitch?” Lacey Banks asks Becca.
“You’re turning into your father.” says Becca.
“How?” asks Lacey.
Becca stares, primly.
“You yelled at me, Karrie!” she says in a whiny, desperately hurt voice.
“Why is that like Jim?” asks Lacey.
Becca walks off in a huff. That usually works. But the Illuminati follows her.
“Becca…what’s going on?” asks Jeb Bush.
“I’m not allowed to be honest.” says Becca. “Lacey is in love with me. She has been since she was a child.“
“She feels the same way about me.” says Maria.
“Me too.” says Terese.
“That’s insane, Terese. You are insane.” says Steve, her husband.
“I’m not insane!” says Terese, manipulatively in her violent passive aggressive way.
“You and I sound…a lot…alike.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior to Terese. “In our spirits. You’re a lot like my wife too.”
“Yeah!” says Cheryl Hines smiling at Terese.
“Except we’re old money.” says Terese.
“Why does she have to say that?” asks Becca about Lacey. “I mean, I’m not old money! I’m not old money.” says Becca like she can’t breath out of desperation and shock. “I work as a janitor!”
“At the museum.” says Terese.
“Yeah. All this old money stuff is just going too far!” says Becca.
“How?” asks the evil Illuminati, in total agreement. They now see Becca as a profoundly good-hearted expert.
“Oh, well you know. I wear old clothes.” says Becca in a whiny, desperate voice.
“Yeah. Okay.” says the Illuminati.
“So! Just write her off I guess the way she writes off everyone.” says Becca, like she’s conducting a humanitarian effort.
“Has Lacey written you off?” asks Sean Collins.
“Yes! Yes, she has!” says Becca brightly like she’s about to find a great lawyer and out her daughter as a complete scoundrel.
“Well…do you really think insane thoughts like that Lacey is in love with you…or was that a joke?” asks Sean
“She’s probably in love with Lem.” says Becca in the afterlife in shock.
“Except we aren’t inane in that way.” says Lem.
“Becca…why would you think that about your daughter?” asks Terese.
“I am…evil, I guess.” says Becca. She cries.
“But that’s a bad thing.” says Lacey.
“Am I like dad?” asks Becca, of her siblings.
“Oh Becca, we all sin.” says Laureen.
“This ain’t Fargo anymore: Keen To Cross The Pond.” jokes a dead DuPont.
“Becca you haven’t been doing a good job as a mother for a while.” says Fern Smith’s father.
“Oh my God! Hermeneutics is a joke.” says Dr. Thorsten Moritz.
“No. But it’s not not entirely safe either.” says Jesus.
“What am I doing then?” asks Dr. Thorsten Moritz.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks Jesus.
“Mic drop!” says Harold Loeb.
“Thorsten, would you send those two men to the Holocaust?” asks Thorsten’s father. “We did? Or did we?”
“They’re Jews.” says Lacey.
“That’s Jesus.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Yes. He’s still a Jew.” says Lacey.
“Becca? What was your obsession with Israel?” asks Mark Nesheim.
“I loved how they treated their kids. They actually loved them.” says Becca.
“So you raised Lacey that way.” says Tom Banks.
The Last Man by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays for Lem.
“No. Your family is like a film by Darren Aronofsky.” a perfume hater says to Becca.
“Yeah, huh. …I’m afraid I don’t know who that is.“ says Becca.
“Becca, you hear me.” yells Tom. “You’ve been hearing me for years.”
She turns into an evil witch and tries to attack him at which point her family carries her off.
“She is such a baffling person.” says Lacey.
A ghost almost full body appears.
On Reflection by Max Richter plays.
“Just as a hint: The Marx Brothers were before the Holocaust.” says Harold Loeb.
“Oh my gosh! How is MSNBC that bad?!?” says Chris Hayes, sincerely.
“Wow! Lacey clearly and passionately labels everything well. …And then Lem thought he was gay?” says Bill Gates. “‘I think…I’m…gay.’”
More later.
“We’re not as rich as you. But I’m not going to care that you’re miserable. Because I’m poorer than you.” says a dumb living bitch named Barbara to Lacey.
“How’s your water?” asks Lem.
“Hey! We know your family Lem! We live in your old house!” says a white guy with an angle.
“I know. Lacey and I had sex there the other day.” says Lem.
“They’re married. Right?” says his mother.
“We love you?” he says.
“No. You love cock in my mouth.” he says to Barbara and Chris and some guy in Maryland or Pennsylvania.
Later.
Barbara dances in her seat to a mashup of Wagner and Soft by Washed Out. Is she a fat, upper middle class woman? Or is she an accidental enemy?
“What happens if she’s an accidental enemy?” asks Japan.
“I feel sorry for her. Wish her well.” says Lacey.
“What happens if she’s obsessive?” asks Japan.
“My plane falls out of the sky.” says Elliott.
“Why? Because I’m so fat?” says Barbara, insultingly but like most people since 2016 when Diego set the world on fire using MSNBC she overestimates her impact, meaning and clarity.
“No! Why are you interested?” asks Elliott.
Later.
“Here’s a list of the jewelry. Don’t break in through an irreplaceable sash window. For availability please stay on hold and don’t arrive at the house otherwise. …Don’t break down the front door. If you enter through the back door or back window…be mindful they you might get hurt. But that us obviously the only way in without being offensive and trust me you don’t want to be offensive. Truly, original windows are impossible to replace.
Alright. Sorry there isn’t more. Except…maybe that’s good if you can’t break in.
And no…we don’t actually want you to break in. We’re just trying to make light of a rather pathetic, sad situation.
You might need money. We feel bad. But we don’t actually want you breaking in our house.
These are rough estimates.
1. Costume jewelry: $500
2. Antique jewelry: $50
3. Family pearls: $600
4. Bloomingdales pearls: $2,000
5. Watches: $5,000
6. Other earrings (non-gemstone): $300
7. Tiffany & Co. silver jewelry: $500
8. Vintage Schiaparelli watermelon tourmaline crystal parure: $800
9. London Blue Topaz in gold earrings: $500
10. Antique Art Deco platinum diamond and sapphire ring: $9,000
11. Vintage Art Deco German blue enamel sterling silver necklace: $200
12. Diamond in gold cluster necklace: $1200
13. Helzberg rings: $1600
14. Natural emerald in 18k white gold Art Deco filigree ring: $3,000
15. 24k Gold and diamond locket: $200
16. Dina Mackey Blue topaz earrings: $300
17. Tory Burch pearls: $200
18. Aquamarines in gold: $70
19. Helzberg pendants and earrings: $1,000
20. Lemon quartz in sterling silver: $300
21. Paraiba blue Apatite briolettes: $30
22. Morganite gemstone: $500
23. Green amethyst: $200
24. Madagascar natural pink sapphire: $500
25. Lapis lazuli, natural scissor cut tourmaline, etc: $800
26. 24 K gold chain: $900
27. Other: $600
It’s about $30,000 at value. Lacey originally posted it was $100,000 because she recalled being shocked when she estimated it all for insurance purposes and $30,000 didn’t seem shocking enough.
But it’s an insurance value of $30,000.00.
We have a $80,000 in perfume, and about $70,000 more around the house. Including the jewelry it’s $180,000?” says Lem.
“You have $70,000 just laying around your house Lem?” asks Bobby Kennedy Junior.
“Yeah to Lacey and me that doesn’t really seem like that much. Does it to you?” says Lem.
“You have a retirement account though?” asks a Native American woman.
“She does!” says Lem.
“Why do you collect silver?” a woman asks Lem.
“Lacey does. I’m actually not a huge fan. But she loves silver.” says Lem.
“What do you like?” asks Lacey.
“Pottery.” says Lem.
“From when?” asks Lacey.
He takes a deep breath, “1700’s.” he says.
“Like museum pieces?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah.” he says.
“I respect that, but I also find that a little disconcerting.” says Lacey.
“Because you thinks it’s insane.” says Lem.
“It’s not that I completely think insane is the correct word. I it’s that silver is so easy to store and have on display because it’s a metal same thing with gold or pewter or press copper. China is also fairly easy to display iron stone. It’s pretty easy to display but sleepwear if that’s what you’re thinking of scares me because I feel like it somehow has a tendency to break, I don’t know why but it just seems like something that could break to me whether it falls off a shelf or I don’t know just something about it just seems sort of fragile and dangerous to have around the house but maybe that’s not how you experience it.” says Lacey.
“I am thinking of sl. actually, that’s the image I gave you in your head when I brought it up and that’s exactly what I like. I like jugs and things like that. I like that look it’s very sort of rustic in a way.” says Lem.
“Lem that’s very masculine but I just don’t quite get it.” says Lacey. “
Keen to Cross the Pond 