Whoops

Joe confessed to Taylor Swift last night that Jack has been obsessed with Lacey since she was conceived. And he’s known she was Lem’s other half since she was about 10. Apparently he decided to dominate her life and try to convince her she was him because he can’t stand that she exists. He’s incredibly insecure around her.

But actually…most unusually good-looking people have someone dead who’s jealous of them who ruins their photos. And who harasses them at times. Not just Lacey. Zelda had many dead haters as well.

Thomas Edison wasn’t stupid. Mirrors and cameras and radios and other such devices possibly actually do present opportunities for the deceased to interject themselves at times.

Anyway…the problem is…Lacey has no idea how much Lem loves her. No idea.

And…Jack…haunting Lacey so vociferously….has created a bit of a problem with Russia.

Whereas Jack was supposedly a threat because of his possible involvement with a female Russian spy…even though Lem lived in the White House…Lacey…might be Lem’s actual other half…for eternity…but is so bullied…that she not only doesn’t know it…she is quite close in a way with Tsar Putin. Forget Russian spies…Lacey thinks highly of the Tsar himself.

“I made President Putin a Tsar?!?” asks JFK of Taylor Swift and a group of Secret Service officers in the Illuminati. They’ve decided to have an intervention with JFK’s ghost.

“In a way. You pushed Lacey so far away from Lem that she was very taken by Putin when she first met him. Years ago.” says Taylor Swift.

“Okay?” says JFK, stupidly.

“Yeah. So…essentially you created a situation where Tom Banks’s daughter…who you’ve isolated her whole life…out of jealousy…started calling Putin a Tsar. And because of who she is…he’s now becoming a tsar.” says a Secret Service officer.

“He started calling himself that!” says JFK.

“No. She did. …I helped you isolate her. But…I regret it and Pat has agreed to stay with me…if I help the US clean up your mess.” says Joe Jr..

“You know…this is funny. She’s a dumb bitch. Who gives a shit what she calls anyone?” says JFK.

“Well…that’s not how the world community feels about it.” says a woman from the Chinese embassy.

“Why does the US have to give a damn?” asks JFK.

“It’s a thing now.” says Joe, shrugging. “I guess. We kinda have to care now. For some reason?”

“Why is Lem doing this to me?” asks JFK.

“Umm…that’s not it.” says an man in the Secret Service.

“So wait. You’re saying…that…Lacey has decided that Putin is a Tsar?!?” says JFK

“Yes.” says Joe Biden, joining them.

“That’s romantic! Aww. Yeah. …But who cares?!?” says JFK.

“I never should have helped you. You’re just badmouthing her now as an extension of competing with me. Aren’t you? She took…a stand…and called him a a Tsar. At an Illuminati meeting. A while ago. And…it’s caught on.” says Joe.

Jack makes a weird face with his mouth and eyes. Like he’s dumb and yet feels very superior at the same time. Taylor Swift stares at him and starts laughing. Her eyes go aflame with rage.

“You’re an asshole!” says Taylor Swift to JFK, under her breath.

“Not for you.” says JFK sharply.

“Ahh…that’s not what I meant. And you know it.” says Taylor.

“Your insult is peasant.” says JFK.

“It’s colloquial.” says Taylor.

“Well how nice. You’re so kind. Thanks for joining us.” says JFK.

“You sound…weird.” says Kick, walking in.

“Yeah. I’m trying to let Lacey do to me what I did to her. And her comebacks make me sound like her. Dammit.” says JFK. “I sound so stupid.”

“What?!?” says Joe.

“Yeah. I did. I did make Putin a Tsar.” says JFK in awe.

“Well not directly. And I did as much as you.” says Joe.

“You’re not as evil as me.” says JFK to Joe.

“Jack what did you do?” asks Taylor.

“I tried to make her me. And…it looks like…as a result…she’s now made Putin a tsar.” says JFK.

“Any idea why?” asks the Secret Service.

“Why what?” asks JFK.

“Why-why-“ starts the Secret Service in shock. “Ah…oh my god. You’re JFK.”

“Yeah.” says JFK. He blinks.

“Umm…yeah. So…any idea why?” asks the woman from the Chinese embassy.

“What the fuck can we do?” asks a man in the DNC.

Jack looks confused again.

“Is that a real look you make?” Taylor asks him.

“What?!?” scoffs JFK.

“Jack. You’re making a face!” says Taylor Swift.

“So?!?” says JFK.

“So it looks weird.” says Taylor.

“Okay?” says JFK. “Ahh…no. There’s nothing you can do. I would know. I was US President. You can’t…like…stop her. Because it’s a secret society. So…you’re kinda stuck. …She’s just…being cute.”

“Being cute?!?” asks a man in the Secret Service.

“Yeah. She doesn’t mean any harm? I guess?” says JFK.

The woman from the Chinese embassy laughs. “No. She was attacked.”

“I guess so. …But…why do we care?!?” says JFK.

“We don’t have to! You’re so right Jack!” says a woman from the DNC.

He nods. “We don’t have to.” the woman from the DNC repeats. “Look. Your nephew is running for office. Should we just make him win?”

“Yeah!” says JFK.

“Okay. That’s a plan.” says the woman form the DNC.

“How does that help the situation?” asks the woman from the Chinese embassy.

“Jack says that there’s no situation.” says the woman from the DNC.

“So! We’re just going with that?!?” asks a Secret Service man, in disbelief.

“I mean…why not?” says another man from the Secret Service.

“Ahh…because I’m from China!” says the woman from the Chinese embassy.

“So?!? …We’re all friends. …Behind closed doors. Right?! And the US totally dominates. GO RED, WHITE, AND BLUE!!” says a Secret Service officer. He raises his arms in the air.

Joe Biden starts a humble-brag laugh.

“Yeah. So…Russia might invade the U.S.?” says a woman from Puerto Rico, walking in the room in a panic.

“No. They won’t. No.” says JFK, confidently.

“Ahh…why not?” asks Chris Christie, walking quickly into the room.

“Because it’s Russia. They have no idea how to read. Or they just read Russian. And who speaks Russian?” asks JFK.

“Who speaks Gaelic either, Jack?” asks the woman from China.

“Jack…we’re not all best friends.” says Chris Christie.

“Then what’s the point of the Illuminati anyway? That’s sus.” says JFK, aghast.

“Huh. So…umm….well. Maybe Putin is a tsar now though, huh?” says the woman from the Chinese embassy.

“I mean…yeah. I guess? I guess? …That’s not his official title.” says JFK.

“No. It’s not. But he acts a lot like a tsar.” says Chris Christie.

“But that’s not his official title.” says JFK, getting irritated.

“But he operates like a tsar.” says Chris Christie.

“But I don’t refer to him as Tsar Putin. Lacey might. But who cares?” asks JFK.

“Diego…gave her Illuminati-voice.” says the woman from Puerto Rico.

“Oh! See…people hear the things she says…and think they’re smart. And take her really seriously. You can’t do that though. I’ve been trying to explain that her whole life. …She’s actually an idiot. Like…scum, peasant idiot.” says JFK.

“But everyone thinks she’s brilliant?” says Chris Christie.

“No! No one thinks that!” says JFK. “Why would they? It’s so obviously ludicrous.”

“Huh. So…we listen to what she says and are deeply affected by it…uncontrollably…and she has that effect on everyone. But…it’s for no reason?” asks Chris Christie.

“The only way that is possible…is if Lem was straight.” says JFK. “And I would have known that.”

“Jack…you do know that.” says Joe.

“Only in Heaven. On Earth I’m not going to be a liar.” says JFK. “On Earth…I’m still JFK. And JFK didn’t know.”

“No. He did know.” says a Japanese woman, who might be a ghost.

“Not really.” says JFK.

“Jack…you…feel a lot of loyalty to Japan?” asks Chris Christie.

Jack disappears.

“Jack come back?” asks a Secret Service man desperately.

Jack apprehensively reappears.

“Jack…you know…what difference does it make it Lem was straight?” asks the woman from China.

“It’s just that he…was…my…husband sort of. And…if he was straight…it might not have been a good fit.” says JFK. “He was…sad. And I was…bad to him. And…he may still be mad.”

“You’ve terrorized his wife.” says the woman from China.

“Does that matter?” asks JFK.

“You know it does.” says the man in the Secret Service. “Right?”

Jack looks confused. “Diego shouldn’t have started talking to her.”

“Yeah. Well…he did.” says Chris Christie. “So now what Jack?”

“So now we wait.” says JFK.

“For what?” asks the woman from China, skeptically.

“For a solution.” says JFK.

“You want Putin to attack?” she asks.

JFK shrugs. “Does he even want to?”

The woman from China shrugs.

“Maybe.” says Chris Christie.

“Okay. We see!” says JFK.

“Yeah. So…we’re waiting for an invasion?” asks the woman from Puerto Rico.

JFK shrugs. “Lacey doesn’t think he even wants to. He’s too busy. So maybe he’s too busy. Get a grip!”

“Are you reading her???” asks the woman from China.

“Yah! I am. So what?” asks JFK.

“So you’re letting her influence your decisions?” asks Chris Christie.

JFK shakes his foot nervously. “Look! I’m not as smart as my brother! I tried to tell you fools that but you didn’t listen! You said, ‘Oh! JACK…you are so smart. Jack…we love you. Jack…go be king. We need you!’ But…no man. I got no clue.” says JFK.

“So you listen to Lacey’s opinion?” asks Chris Christie.

“She always know! She’s smart. …I don’t think Putin will bother. He’s too busy. Just calm down.” says JFK.

“But he could eventually!” says Chris Christie.

JFK thinks. “He’s old man!”

“True!” says Trump. He walks in the room now. “But…older leaders can still pose a threat.”

“I don’t think he’s going to invade soon.” says JFK, brightly. “That’s good news! Right??”

“Yeah! But we have to plan ahead too.” says Trump.

“See! This is why I feel attracted to Vanessa.” says Joe. “Because she’s…a Trump. But she’s edgy and different.”

Taylor looks hurt.

“No! It’s not like that.” says Joe.

“Okay. So you can plan!” says JFK.

“Right. But…do you still feel guilty?” asks Trump of JFK.

“If Lem had just slept with that prostitute…none of this would have happened! …I’m just saying.” says JFK. “But…okay…he didn’t. So…I’ll be the bigger and better man…and admit it. I have been evil.”

“So you figure if he’d slept with the prostitute…he would have known he was straight?” asks Condoleezza Rice.

Jack looks sad. “Yeah. That’s it.”

“Jack I don’t think he wanted to share a woman with you.” says Condoleezza.

“I should have hired him alone a prostitute. But I wasn’t being smart.” says JFK.

“To test him?” asks Chris Christie.

“Yes. To see if he’s straight. But…I not think that it necessary. I was convinced he was in love with me! So sure!” says Jack. “And when I doubted it…it made me…lose my mind.”

“Why?” asks Chris Christie.

“Because…then…I am a man. Not a special case. Not a woman. But…Peter Pan. A man who is a child at heart. Free as a bird. …And…never wrong. A magical thing…from a world apart. Like…a…god. But funner. More playful. Happy!” says JFK.

“So you were raffish?” asks Doris Kearns Goodwin of JFK, in wonder.

“Yeah. I was, I guess. …And…now…come to find out…I’m just…a regular human man.” says JFK. He shrugs.

“Did Lem do something to make you feel that way?” asks Chris Christie.

“He was so handsome. And smart. And well-bred. So I stole him. And he no tell the difference. …I guess it was evil. But I liked how I felt.” says JFK.

“We don’t steal things.” says the woman from China.

“My dad did. He did! …So I do it too! And…it was fun for a while.” says JFK.

“But now we’re…losing our whole country to Imperial Russia.” says Chris Christie.

“Okay? Lacey…thinks it will all work out.” says JFK. “Sometimes I wonder if she’s American.”

“As opposed to what?” asks Chris Christie.

“British, I guess. See that’s why you shouldn’t talk to her. You don’t know!” says JFK.

“And so now she’s just…giving the US back to Great Britain and…what? We become a a colony?” asks Chris Christie.

“No! I doubt it. …It’s fine. It’s just…a country.” says JFK.

“But I care! I care about the U.S.!” says Chris Christie.

“Alright. I’m sorry.” says JFK. “You shouldn’t have talked to her!”

“No! Lacey’s not Jack reincarnated!” says Lem. He has listened long enough.

The Illuminati starts clinging to that idea when it gets scared. Or they tend to try to insist Lem was gay or at least bisexual. Thinking Lem was straight and Lacey is herself terrifies them.

String Quartet No. 3 “Mishima” by Philip Glass plays.

“I scare them too. So did my grandfather.” says Louis. “They can’t fathom kings. Not these days. Kings terrify them.”

“Am I a tsar?” Putin asks Lacey.

Lacey thinks. “Yes. A great one, in fact. But…that’s my opinion.”

“Why is that scary? I find it quite comforting too.” says Queen Mary.

Mishima plays.