“Huh.” by Lem Billings

That’s what Lacey would look like if she had been born as a complete millennial the combination of those two women and also she would have gone to Arizona State University. Tom Banks would’ve still been her father. He just would’ve been a Boomer and an extraordinarily busy businessman.

They would’ve lived in a very nice house. In some metropolitan community outside of some major city either in California or Arizona.

Yes, Lacey a ditz. Absolutely she is.

Yet…also…actually…she’s unusually intelligent and yes, she went to Arizona State University and got straight A’s in their art history department. She’s certifiably brilliant. And a great many lesbian and bisexual female students and professors called having her in the class the most liberating experience of their entire college education.

She’s actually more beautiful than both those two women. Her mother is Swedish and Tom is a Boomer. She considered go into going into modeling, but it would’ve been troubling because Diego and Chris exist.

She’s actually that beautiful now too. You just can’t tell I guess because she doesn’t dress that way and actually her body is more feminine looking believe it or not…she’s just not as “voluptuous” but does she slightly resemble Anna Nicole Smith after plastic surgery yes, very very slightly, but she also looks like a lot of other people. She’s blonde. She’s a type. And believe it or not if I was a Millennial myself, she would be my type, and we would go very well together. I would still be sort of a jock…but with glasses and I’d look nerdy. We are twin flames. Were the same person, so that’s-I mean people wouldn’t be surprised to see her with me. …We would look predictable together, they would probably be a little intrigued because I’m kind of nerdy, but at the same time…they would probably think that I was a “positive boyfriend” for her because I was more sensitive than most men…or something and I was faithful to her unlike most guys… And I’m really in love and we have this great energy between us or something and truthfully, she would’ve loved me and been faithful to me…and we would’ve been very happy with each other.

“She would she have been a Trump supporter?” Well…maybe?

Her parents would’ve belonged to a country club and she would’ve dressed like a slut and been in a sorority and had absolutely no idea that she was dressing like a slut…and her sorority sisters would’ve ended-up being her best friends. …That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a Trump supporter. And it just might mean that she looks like a lot of people who you see on Instagram and in real life.

I mean, I’d still look like myself and actually Lacey looks more like this now than you realize but…I’m not as tall. I’m about 6’ foot tall I was 6 foot 4 as myself. But if I was a Millennial, I would be 6 feet tall and considerably less buff but still a jock.

And I’m angry, and I’m not a ditz. Was I impersonating Lacey when I thought I was gay yes, of course I was…because we are “twin flames” you fucking idiots.

I am make a lot of money. I’m sort of a “finance bro” but I’m also very intelligent, well-bred and sensitive. And yes, I met her at a country club. Our parents are sort of friends.

My parents are older, to be honest. I might be slightly Jewish if I was a Millennial. And no I mean we would have a great marriage. I’m very serious. I am a family man. And really…no one should like to pick a fight with me. Because yeah, my wife might be “ditzy” but I mean who the hell do you think you are? Right? Do you want me to kill you? I mean…what the fuck?

I think you people don’t understand what ditziness is.

Lacey genuinely would have gotten straight A’s. She’s brilliant.

Crooked Teeth by Death Cab For Cutie plays.

Lacey as a Millennial lays on a giant inflatable pineapple. But not realizing that she was being splashed by a young man in the pool, who found her attractive, she slips off the inflatable and falls into the pool. She’s swims placidly in the water blinking thoughtfully in a daze of wonder.

“Lacey, you just fell in the water sweetie. You just fell in the water.” says Taylor Swift.

“I know, it’s just so incredibly wet.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, I know water is very wet.” says Taylor.

“I know it’s a sensory experience that many people experience but I am just overwhelmed by it right now. I’m sorry I just wasn’t expecting it to feel so wet.” says Lacey.

“I don’t think water can be especially wet.” says Matthew Perry.

“You know I am sorry to differ with you, but that is not my observation at this moment. No…this water feels usually wet. It’s very creepy.” says Lacey.

“Did someone give you something?” yells Matthew.

“No, no. I swear! …I shouldn’t swear…but there’s something about this water…that is unusual. Nevermind don’t mind me, I’m just having a weird experience. Don’t mind me.” says Lacey, slowly and apologetically.

A black rapper raps. He’s watching closely.

And at that Chris Hayes shows-up with Erin and his wife and a herd of other journalists from liberal media.

“Oh my god! Is this the pool party with Taylor Swift and the party from Friends!? I am so excited!” says a short haired, middle-age woman.

“Yeah. Yeah, it was a party until you showed-up, bitch!” says Matthew Perry, laughing.

Choosing to take it as a compliment, or genuinely thinking it was a compliment the woman laughs, and then starts to flirt with Matthew. She sits at his feet and shows-off her hips in such a way as to display what she believes to be an incredibly sensuous body.

Lacey decides that that’s none of her business so she walks off feeling eyes following her. She has no idea why anyone’s watching her and decides that perhaps there’s something wrong with her skin. It is such a nagging, persistent worry that by the time she reaches the inside of the house, where she reaches for her cell phone to call her boyfriend Lem and tell him that she’s OK she decides to quickly check the back of her legs and arms.

Upon finding no problem with her skin, she quickly gets dressed, and then calls Lem and sensing that there’s danger in the house she calls to tell him, “I need to stay at your place tonight. I’m getting a little scared.”

“What’s wrong?” asks Lem.

“I don’t know. I just had a really weird experience in the pool where the water felt too wet and then I felt like everyone was staring at me and I couldn’t figure out why but I think there was something wrong with my skin but I can’t find anything wrong with my skin and I just feel like I’m losing my bloody mind.” says Lacey.

“Your bloody mind?!?” asks Lem.

“Yeah it’s like a bloody mind. I don’t know…it was like a British accent or something that I just slipped into but I’m not British. I don’t think, I think I’m just Swedish…wait no that’s not true my dad‘s British. I don’t know where that accent came from but I’m just I’m just trying to express myself to you sweetie.” says Lacey.

“Oh, right you’re doing that thing where you just say whatever comes to you because you want me to see inside of your heart.” says Lem.

“Exactly, yes! Why are you mad at me? What did I do wrong?” asks Lacey.

“Nothing except for the fact that you’re dressed in a bikini and you’re racing out of some millionaire’s house.” says Lem.

“Sweetie I’m in the driver’s seat of my car and I’m leaving the house and I’m scared and I don’t know why and actually that’s not 100% accurate. My father is a millionaire and so is yours.” says Lacey.

“Lacey I meant that in the colloquial sense like he’s really rich OK? Our parents are rich…but that was like an actor’s house and they’re richer.” says Lem as Lacey drives off.

“That is not necessarily typically true in every situation. There are many actors who actually are quite poor. I would never assume anything of that nature about that demographic.” says Lacey, in irritation.

“Oh we are not getting into a fight about demographics while you’re scared. Are you drunk? Are you high? How safe are you to drive right now?” asks Lem.

“I feel fine. I don’t think I’m on anything. I think the water was really just wet and I honestly think that I can’t drive.

Oh my gosh, I can’t drive. My hands are shaking. I’m outside of some sort of like gated community. I don’t think anyone’s trying to kidnap me, oh my gosh, how are you going to know where I am?” says Lacey.

“It’s OK. What street are you on? Look on your GPS and then tell me.” says Lem.

“It says that I am somewhere east of the bay area.” says Lacey.

And at that Lacey gives directions to Lem’s. He drives up within a half an hour of her freaking out, parks next to her, calms her down, and his mother drives his car while she drives her car to his parent’s house.

Upstairs in his room:

“Lacey, my mom and dad understand that we’re in love. We’re probably gonna end-up getting married…because I think you’re losing your mind. What the hell happened tonight?” asks Lem.

And at that Lacey falls apart and of course they make love and of course the relationship becomes infinitely more serious…because Lacey realizes that without Lem she is toast and his parents think it’s rather funny that she was ever trying to be a model. As beautiful as their daughter-in-law is, she has no bloody business trying to be a model.

They explain to her that in their family the wife stays home. Maybe she has a job that’s safe and that she has to submit to her husband and Lacey thinks that that’s the only thing that makes sense anyway and then Lem’s father who is a doctor becomes incredibly concerned and starts snooping around.

Lem’s father becomes incredibly worried about Matthew Perry, and wonders if that man’s life is somehow in peril. He suspects that there is “something to do with Israel” and he becomes a tiny bit paranoid.

Meanwhile, Chris Hayes and Diego decide that Lacey was arguably the most accidentally hilarious woman they’ve ever met in their entire lives, and after spending the entire night at the pool party making jokes at her expense after she leaves, they decide to stalk her online and send her penis pictures with weird SpongeBob faces drawn on their genitalia. Except…they accidentally send the pictures to her parents who then launch an investigation into MSNBC. Why? Well…because they trust Lem…to some degree within the bounds of reason, and they believe that he was really not overreacting the way that he chose to drive with his mother to come rescue her on a busy road in California…because there was something very bizarre about the fact that she couldn’t drive…and her hands were shaking and the water was too wet and she seemed to think her skin was damaged after she was in the pool. And then these random journalists are sending graphic, disgusting images out of the blue? Clearly to mock her…and being who they are and with Lem’s‘s father being as paranoid as he’s become in the last few months…they too are starting to wonder…what the hell…is going on.

“Why were you at that man’s house?” asks Lem of Lacey when they’re alone.

“Because I’m trying to jumpstart-I was-Well I was trying to jumpstart start my modeling career.” explains Lacey.

“Yeah, I know! No, we’ve talked about that. What did they pay you?” asks Lem.

“Oh, they paid me $1000 an hour…but I ended-up leaving within 45 minutes.” says Lacey.

“Yeah because the water was too wet and you were so weirded out by the whole thing. I think I know what you were wearing…but what-what-what-what was the point of the whole thing?“ says Lem.

“What do you mean?” asks Lacey.

“Like why were you being paid $1000 an hour?” asks Lem.

“I mean it was booked through my agent.

My agent was like laughing when she gave it to me? She thought it was funny.

She thought it was really funny for some reason and that it would be-they said it was going to be “easy money.” And all I had to do was just show-up in my bikini, swim, walk around and pose on some sort of inflatable pineapple, take pictures, be friendly and then I guess at the end of the night…there would be pictures taken? And I mean I had the sense that it had something to do with you know my body or something…but that’s not umm…that’s that’s-not like-that’s not umm…that’s not prostitution.” says Lacey.

“What were they paying you for? The pictures later in the night? They paid you in full for an hour and you left in 45 minutes. What did they pay you for?” asks Lem.

Softcore by The Neighborhood plays as a bisexual “dork” from ASU watches as a drunken Chris and Diego sing karaoke. Yes she went to ASU with Lacey. She’s in a bar. She’s irritated. And she overheard Diego and Chris talking about Lacey.

“Oh yeah Lacey Banks? I know Lacey Banks! I went to school with her. …How the hell do you know who she is? Like how the fuck do you know who she is?” she had said.

“She’s a dick! She’s a total fucking worthless piece of fucking shit!” said Chris Hayes.

“What the hell did that bitch do to you? I know her.” says the woman.

“Oh my God! She was at our friend Matthew Perry’s house and like I don’t know. The bitch just left before anyone could fuck her.” says Chris Hayes, smiling.

“Do you understand what you’re saying to me? You’re describing like under-the-table prostitution. You’re telling me that my friend from college has become a prostitute.” said the woman.

“Yeah, is that shocking to you? That’s the world that I live in. That’s the path that I chose for myself. Why do you think I’m sitting here getting drunk at a bar?” said Chris.

“OK but I don’t think you understand Lacey Banks. She’s more of a woman’s woman even though she’s straight and I don’t think you understand her psychology.” said the woman.

“Hey no I understand the psychology of a cheap whore. Where the fuck did you to even grow-up together?” asks Chris.

“I guess Lacey grew-up in poverty. I mean I don’t know where the hell she grew-up.” said the woman.

“Yeah OK and see I knew that. I instantly knew that about her and you obviously are like what? Upper-middle class or something?” said Chris Hayes.

“I admit. I wouldn’t color our family like wealthy, but I grew-up with some money. I went to ASU for an art history degree.” said the woman.

“What was Lacey doing in your art history class smoking pot?” asks Chris.

“Oh my god no! She was one of the smartest students in the entire department. That was her major you fucking moron.” said the woman.

Meanwhile.

“Lacey I’m just trying to understand how you think making money for standing around in a bikini isn’t a form of prostitution. I mean we can give the money back. If you know-it makes me feel better because it does. But I don’t understand how you think but that’s not prostitution.” says Lem.

“Because I was standing there as a work of art, and that’s what modeling is to me. It’s a form of like sexual art in a sense, as long as it doesn’t cross the line in most cases. …At least I wouldn’t permit that for myself. I mean, some of it is obviously pure evil. But I examined the situation and thought that I was just going to be essentially standing around like a statue, but like moving and yeah…I knew people were probably going to be thinking things because I am in a bikini…but not-But it’s not like a sexual experience in the way of prostitution so much as like a visual display intended for the purposes of art.” says Lacey.

“But they’re getting gratification from looking at you.” says Lem. “And I have a strong suspicion that they were expecting you to do something at some point in the evening.”

“No they were expecting me to do something at some point in the evening my agent booked that appointment, and I have a good agent. It’s a reputable agent, my father found the agent.” says Lacey.

“My father could find an agent too and if I had a sister who looked like you…the same thing could happen to us…you’re being taken advantage of. That’s why my parents don’t want you to model anymore and I don’t either. They’re expecting you to know…like…perform sexual acts of some sort.” says Lem.

“Then how the hell are you supposed to get into like modeling positions? I know for a fact in the 1950s it didn’t work that way because my grandmother modeled.” says Lacey.

“That’s right Grandma Banks was a model for like what was it five years before she got married? What was it?

…That’s the difference.

Back then the idea was that it was like a way to become like a wife and a mother but nowadays that doesn’t exist anymore.” says Lem.

“Then how are you supposed to do it?” says Lacey.

“Oh, you just don’t.” says Lem.

“But. it was so beautiful! It’s such a beautiful art!

Lem…I mean the history of fashion design is one of my favorite things to study…and I dreamed of creating beautiful images using my body as an artistic medium.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, and you know in this country before the decline of a lot of institutions…women were allowed to be that free. Because there was a way for them to do it and still be safe, but then that’s where things got toxic and with the decline of a positive patriarchal system there’s no way for you to do something like that anymore. It’s just it’s not safe, sweetie. It’s not safe.” says Lem.

“And that is revolting to me as an artist! That is absolutely revolting! How the hell do people nowadays think that just because we have Roe vs. Wade our bodies are freer? I should be able to model, and express myself in a positive way…and have that outlet as an intellectual, without feeling like I’m going to be shoved into some sort of category of prostitute.” says Lacey.

“Well yes, but I’m sure there were times in other countries where women had less privileges and rights and they too wouldn’t have been able to model on stage and maybe that’s more of the place that we’re in right now as a country.” says Lem.

“I don’t vote Democrat. I don’t vote Republican, but that pisses me off. What the hell happened to my ability to express myself as a woman? What the fuck happened!? It enrages me.” says Lacey.

“Don’t swear! I hate when you swear. You swear to try to be relatable but try to find another way to express yourself…because it’s not you. But that being said, why don’t we try to figure out some way for you to express yourself without modeling.” says Lem.

“I mean, I feel like I could model for you, but then you would be the only one to ever see those images.” says Lacey.

“That’s OK and let’s-let’s do that but then let’s also find a way for you to like express yourself um and I don’t know what that would be…but we’ll figure it out” says Lem.

“I mean, I could just go back to school and get my doctorate and write some sort of dissertation about something, but it would be fun to take pictures with you. I would need you to give me an an honest response though.” says Lacey.

“Well yeah and I would I highly doubt that it would be anything you know atypical that I would probably be telling you, but no, we can look at what you look like through a camera. We can try to analyze the different angles of your face and anything else and then we can try to sort of sort through it, and figure out like ways for you to express yourself on film, and I promise I will be as honest as possible.” says Lem.

“But don’t lie to me. Don’t lie to me.” says Lacey.

“I won’t. I won’t. I promise. I will be honest. I promise I won’t lie. I won’t lie, I promise. I won’t.” says Lem.

And at that Lacey sits down and looks incredibly upset.

“I feel like drinking right now but I know I shouldn’t drink because dad always says that that’s a bad idea for us.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, I know. Because your father is like a sober alcoholic. I don’t think you’re becoming alcoholic…but that’s probably wise. What’s making you want to drink right now?” asks Lem.

“Just the thought of you know ugliness of my body. It’s so upsetting.” says Lacey.

“So yeah, but what gave you that impression of yourself?” asks Lem.

“You know I think it goes back to being Swedish.

My grandmother was Swedish…and she lived on a farm back in Wisconsin, I think. And I am pretty sure we were-they were very poor.

They owned a farm in Wisconsin and it was like not a really poor farm, but it was a farm, and they were somewhat poor…and dad always says we should be humble. And so I try to be humble…and do you know it’s like I look at myself and I think, ‘I don’t look like other people.’

And what do I look like? I look like a poor Swedish woman from Wisconsin…and my father…and you know there’s a lot of really beautiful people who are dark…but we’re not dark…and sometimes when I swim too much, my hair turns green. And sometimes when I tan too much I peel. And sometimes I look at my eyes and I think, ‘Why are they so green and blue and hazel?’ It’s like I have these weird hazel-blue-green eyes and I don’t understand why all those things have to be. But that’s just the way that I am, and I don’t know you know? And maybe in Heaven I’ll have blue eyes…or I’ll have brown eyes and brown hair? But I worry that there’s something wrong with just the coloring itself and sometimes I think are my boobs too big they’re not that big…but are they just a bit too big. And sometimes I think, ‘What if my boobs were slightly smaller and my waist was smaller, and my hips were larger and I had brown eyes? Or what if I had blue eyes and I was shorter and my hair was just a little bit darker or a little bit lighter?’ There are so many things that I can find wrong with myself” says Lacey.

“I think you’re better looking than probably most people alive.” says Lem.

“But isn’t that a sort of an arbitrary distinction? I mean I think you’re perfect and I’m in love with you, but I will never be as good as you…and I love that…but I am also never going to be as good as God, except through Jesus, which is Christianity but at this moment I am incredibly imperfect and sometimes I think I don’t want anyone to notice their imperfections because I have noticed mine and it’s daunting. It’s daunting to realize that I am so incredibly inferior to what I was supposed to be in the Garden of Eden.” says Lacey.

“Well yeah but then in Heaven I’ll be actually perfect. I mean I don’t think-I don’t think you’re-I don’t think you’re any less perfect than me. I think you’re more perfect than me. Sweetie, what I’m trying to tell you is that people want to screw you. And if you go into a situation like that wearing those clothes people are going to get the wrong idea.” says Lem.

“But I wasn’t trying to give them that idea. My idea of the event was that it was supposed to be a sort of party with like a festive theme and I was a sort of like a float. Like a carved statue of like an iced swan…or maybe a carved statue of a man holding a sword made of ice. Except I am alive…and I’m moving…and it’s somewhat sexual…but California is a very sexual state. It’s very fertile. It’s very warm. It’s sort of like the Garden of Eden…and so I don’t imagine that a pool party where people are in California…would be particularly asexual, which is why I don’t-I thought that it was perfectly sane and rational to be wearing a bikini. It’s the vibe, it’s the aesthetic of the whole area. Why would that automatically lend itself towards prostitution?” says Lacey.

“But but it wasn’t a country club event. It wasn’t like you know a VIP country club event. These people had no idea who you were. You showed-up wearing a bikini…and they have no idea who you are and they think, ‘Oh maybe this person is being paid for sex!’ Because it’s not a country club, you know it’s not the pool at the country club, Lacey, in California.” says Lem.

“Well then why the fuck did my agent send me there? That’s sick. I should fire that bitch.” says Lacey.

“No you can’t, you know, not swear right now.

I guess because if you fire her she’s gonna know that we’re on to her and I don’t know what her problem is but we’ll figure it out. I’m insulted! I’m insulted that they thought that you would even be interested in anything other than an actual modeling gig.

At the same time sweetie modeling always has been a slightly questionable trade that has always edged just on the verge of prostitution, but it’s a sort of a gentleman’s agreement to let women not know that and let them just enjoy having their beauty photographed. The thing is as I was saying it’s not the time to do that anymore. We’ve, we’ve changed I guess as a culture and so people nowadays who do stuff like that are very different than you and I. You know? It’s not some sort of interesting foray for a into the arts.

…We can go back to France. We had fun there. We can go stay there for a month. My dad has a way for us to do that… He offered before I was going to sit down and have this conversation with you. He’s like, ‘If Lacey gets really upset, just take her to France for a month!’ And that seems like a really good idea to me right now. My dad’s, you know, a mensch. So…we’ll go to France for a month and we’ll just enjoy art. I can do my job from there and we don’t have to worry about the fact that umm…your agent is a snob or a whore or some sort of sex trafficking bitch OK?” says Lem.

“Well, there’s-there’s very little chance that I don’t want to agree with you, but how safe are we? I mean my father is ready to practically kill people, he’s that upset.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, no let’s just-let-let’s just-You know I actually know about that. So let’s just-let’s just let it go OK? Let’s just let our parents deal with whatever they need to deal with. We’re adults and let’s just go. You know Obama is President and we have pretty good relations right now with France. I’m not terribly worried. I think we’ll be fine. Let’s just go spend a month and enjoy ourselves and relax and take pictures of everything. It’ll be fine.“ says Lem.

“OK! OK I’m really sorry. I-I honestly feel embarrassed and appalled by myself. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into and sweetie I’m incredibly sorry. My modeling career is one of the dumbest things that I have probably come up with in my entire life, and I am incredibly sorry” says Lacey in tears.

And at that Lacey and Lem would’ve gone to France and had a very nice time for a month. No problems. But back in America though there were some problems.

Has Ended by Thom Yorke plays.

At the bar we return to the conversation between the bisexual and Chris Hayes.

“You know I just don’t understand why you think it’s funny that my friend who grew-up in poverty is a prostitute.” says the woman.

“Because she’s so fucking full of herself and cocky. It’s like, ‘Where the hell did you grow-up?! Jn some damn country club!?’” said Chris Hayes.

“Well, I mean it’s possible that she did. I don’t really know that she grew-up poverty. I don’t know. Did you-Did you check?” said the woman.

“Hey no. I didn’t check. I don’t need to check.

Listens…I have developed a razor sharp sense about everything. People pay me millions literally to just sit around and analyze things and my mind is like…amazing…in a way you’d be surprised by.

I really actually have an usual gift.

I just am pissed off. Like why the hell does she pretend to be so, ‘I party!’? Because I know for a fact that my friends were expecting to get laid. And Diego and I spent a good hour there just like getting stoned and reading poetry and then we were like, ‘Why the hell isn’t this like a whole thing?’ It wasn’t making sense, you know?

It’s like sticky rice. It’s like-it’s supposed to stick, right? I like cooking…

…So I just don’t understand…why…she didn’t get the memo. Like when someone pays you- And I have no fucking clue how much they’re paying that woman! Or how much they pay her? You know, paying her to just stand around? But it’s like the boobs and stuff?

I mean… What the fuck?!

Lacey Banks?! Ah…oh, she has Lacey Banks! I mean who gave her that name?! I mean…what a stupid stage name. And then it’s like this bitch with these big boobs…is like walking around calling herself Lacey? And I’m just like what the hell Lacey Banks?! Oh you work for a bank? Or no? Your father owns a fucking bank?

Yeah I don’t know. Yeah right?

I mean…she should probably, you know, live under a bank that worm. Because like what kind of a frigid bitch does that?

Like you pay her $800 and she stands around and then some asshole who’s got some horrible drug addiction who needs it…doesn’t get his cock sucked. And I’m just like…what the hell!? Like…who finally gets their fucking cock sucked in this country? Right?!

Do you know who finally gets their cock sucked in this fucking country?” asks Chris Hayes.

“Who gets their cock sucked in this fucking country?” screams Diego.

And because most of the bar was getting free drinks on behalf of MSNBC and Chris Hayes everyone cheers Diego on.

“Well excuse me, I don’t have a cock.” said the woman.

“Well…I’m sorry. I’ll be off of mother nature someday. And maybe someday…you’ll be one of us. …Maybe someday when you reincarnate you will be.” said Chris Hayes.

“And you know…I would never want to be a man…if being a man beans being like you.” said the woman.

“Who gets their cock sucked?

I’ll tell you gets their cock sucked.

I’ve been listening to this conversation sweetie.

I actually have been paid for sex.

I know. Look at me you. You wouldn’t know that to look at me, but I’ve actually been paid and I can guarantee you one simple thing: no one would pay you.

And you know what else? I would suck your cock if you paid me. Because my suspicion is that you never paid this bitch. My suspicion is that you never paid this bitch. Because that’s how people like you are. You don’t pay people.

I’d bet he didn’t pay her.” says a random woman approaching them.

And at that Chris Hayes started to cry. He couldn’t stop crying.

“Eww, why are you crying? Eww!” said the bisexual.

And that’s when Diego came up, grabbed Chris by his hand and started trying to get him to dance with him. And that’s when the woman who went to school with Lacey at ASU decided that they were the two most deplorable, obnoxious men that she’d ever met in her entire fucking life.

Later.

Fuel to Fire by Agnes Obel plays

Later at the bar, the woman decides to sit with Chris and try to figure out what exactly it is that is so irritating to him about her friend Lacey, because her gut sense after taking several self-defense classes is that Lacey was in trouble, she And herself was in trouble, and that there was something incredibly hostile about this man’s overall frame of mind.

“Oh no, it’s just that I’m incredibly angry. Like why didn’t she service my friend Matthew Perry?” asks Chris.

“Well did she know she was supposed to?” asks the woman.

“How many? I would assume so but I have absolutely no idea, but I would assume so. What are they? Do hire prostitutes for? I have no idea? …I’ve never seen a lizard. But I have seen prostitutes.” says Chris Hayes, drunk.

“I’m confused. So you’re asking me? Like you think I know?” says the woman.

“And it’s like I have all these new best friends but I barely know anybody and I just it’s like I’m new and it’s like someone like you knows people. And I just…I need you to tell me how it is.

Who is it? I don’t even know. What are they wearing. And for what? Are they even hiring any of us for a reason?

“Who is not…loving…you?” asks the woman.

And why don’t they just all do it themselves?

But these are the questions of the masters…and I am yet not a master.

Someday, someday I shall know…and all shall be known. But I shall never see it.

Do you know?

Do you know? Why will I never see it my friend because I am not a billionaire?” says Chris Hayes.

“See what?!” she asks.

“See LOVE.” he says.

“My wife! She thinks I’m ugly. …My friends. They hate hanging out with me.” says Chris. “But I also…am mad…for Matthew Perry.”

“Why?” asks the woman, trying not to laugh.

“Because!” says Chris.

“Because why dude? You need to learn to explain.