I Kick Out Of You

Cole Porter plays.

“I think we should probably interview Lacey and ask her questions that people are afraid to ask.” says MSNBC.

“I think it’s sad that Barack Obama is still president but he’s hampered and exhausted and expected to do the job of someone who’s just riding around playing golf.” says an American.

“I would suggest asking simple questions because that is what she struggles with and they get some interesting answers out of her, I bet, if you do.” says MSNBC.

Later.

“I was high on cocaine when Diego told me he’d talked to Lacey. And I was high on cocaine when they asked me what I was going to do about it. We all were. So…or high on mushrooms or pot. Some of us were drunk. But we all thought it made sense…to attack her to appease the gods. Instead of sacrificing Diego. Diego was our friend.

But the deal was that Diego would be given immunity regardless…if we could do our part as a news channel to bring about a real change in global warming. And we haven’t done enough. That was seven critical years ago. …So Diego is dead. And we’re all grieving his loss. …We also haven’t been proactive enough in regard to children being taken hostage. Most of us…are liberal and try. But…we shouldn’t have focused on Trump’s sex scandals. We should be focused on global warming. And…that’s our leadership. Not just the journalists.

The oceans are warming. The Earth is on fire. We’re dying. So…Diego…is dead.” says Chris Hayes.

“Do the interview.” says Erin.

“We’re all going to be dead in 20 years. Aren’t we?” asks Chris. “Or at least most of us.”

“Yeah. It’s…not looking good.” says Erin. “It’s really not.”

“Then why do I care!?” asks Chris.

“Because we’re not dead now.” says Erin. “And it still makes sense.”

“Okay.” says Chris.

The sound of a plane flying through the air overhead can be heard.

“Is there a way to save the Earth?” asks Chris.

“Yes. But it’s looking grim.” says Lacey.

“Why don’t we just blow you up? You can end the world!” scoffs Chris.

“Because you’re too greedy, bitter, poor, lazy and chicken.” says Lacey.

“Yeah okay.” says Chris.

“I agree with Lacey.” says a reader.

“Chris…who told Lacey about the caves?” asks a psychic. “Who in the Illuminati did that?”

He thinks. “No one takes credit for it. But we assumed it was a living Rockefeller.” says Chris.

“So someone told her about the caves. Who!?!” asks M6.

“We told her they were all over the southern part of the state.” says a ghost.

“Are they?!?” asks Casi.

“Yes. They are. They’re hidden. But there are actually cave systems. All over the southern part of Iowa.” says a ghost.

“Huh. Why can’t we find them?” asks Chris.

“Because they’re underground.” says the ghost.

“Where?!?” asks Chris.

“You want a map?!? What if I draw a great map? …Then you’ll have to deal with the consequences. So you want one or not?” asks the ghost.

“I want a map!” says Chris.

“Are you prepared to accept the consequences?” asks the ghost.

“Hold on!!” yells Japan. “We’re in God’s hands. But let’s be smart. Lacey…what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Farmers getting harassed.” says Lacey. “People dying in the caves. Or…things that are even weirder.”

“So they’re all over the bottom of the state?” asks Chris.

“Yeah. There might even be an underground river there if you go deep enough.” says the ghost.

“Huh. Where did you die!?” asks Chris.

“Finally. …Beulah.” says the ghost.

“You died in a flood?” asks Chris.

“I was hit on the head. And then drowned.” she says.

“So you went in the caves?” asks Joan Walsh.

“Yeah.” she says.

“When!?” asks a woman at MSNBC who is black. Unfortunately Lacey can’t recall her name.

“No, that’s true. They aren’t that many Black people at MSNBC and there should be but there aren’t.” says a black man at MSNBC.

“Possibly the 1870’s. We’ll say 1870’s. I was in the cave and a part of it might have collapsed. And my family likely died too.” she says.

“So you were exploring?” asks Chris.

“We might have been looking for gold.” she says. “Tom is trying to help Lacey adjust to being old. Stories about me are the sort of thing she might have overheard as a child. So…there you go.” She laughs. “I feel bad for her. It was a scary death. But…then it was over. Thank God!”

“How old were you!?” asks Joan. “Wait! Are you that girl…or Scott Fitzgerald’s sister?”

“Trying to tell a good story?” she asks.

“What if it’s Louis’s sister?” asks Scott.

“Lacey you forgot a few fragrances!” says Nancy Nieves.

“What if I’m real?” says the Beulah ghost.

“You seem real.” says Joan.