Phones

We’ll say that Lacey‘s estimated net worth if you were to make a public page about her, is $3 million at the current moment.

Oh, and they’re 40.

And you have to realize that she’s in a family of people who are around her age are worth like $6 million $15 million and so her $3 million doesn’t seem all that impressive to her. It’s just a decent amount of money. Others might be worth $500,000 or $30,000 but that’s the lower end. Minus the oil.

Her legal father-in-law owns property worth probably $4 million. And he’s a partner at a firm and her brother-in-law is possibly a millionaire and he lives in Boston and he’s slightly younger than her.

It’s night. In early September. Lacey sits in her living-room alone and Dr. Moritz sits in a bar in Chicago.

“Hi, how’s it going?” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Oh pretty good. I’m just looking forward to talking with you and getting to know you better.” says Lacey.

“Lacey, why are we having this conversation let’s just eat some cereal and go to bed.” says Lem. “I’ve been to Germany sweetie let’s just go to bed. The Queen is dying right? Or she’s dead. So let’s just go to bed.”

“Yes, that’s true but I want to talk to him because he’s alive and I’m trying to be Godly and moral.” says Lacey.

“How are you?!? I am-I am having a real party tonight!” says Dr. Moritz.

“Oh, that’s fun. How is that?” asks Lacey.

“Well…I am in a historic pub right outside of Chicago. And I thought of you today. …You told me to watch Roger & Me and I did. Most of it! And now I’m in the Chicago area… You would love it here, it’s so unique Lacey. It’s very historic.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Oh, that does sound like fun!” says Lacey.

“Well…I’m just sitting here in the bar area…and I am thinking a lot. It’s been quite a day, today. But, right now…I going to just enjoy a couple of drinks…and then I’m gonna put my feet up. Hopefully you can hear me! Ah…hopefully it’s not too loud.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Are you-Are you staying in Chicago tonight then?” says Lacey.

“I don’t know where I’m going to stay tonight. I haven’t decided yet. I’m just enjoying talking to you…and enjoying the atmosphere of this very historic pub…and enjoying this conversation for the time being.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Oh, well that’s wonderful. It is nice to talk to you. So tell me more about this pub.” says Lacey.

“Well, it’s just sort of an old old building. You know the brick is probably from around the early 1900s…and they’ve done really well with making it pleasant inside.

Oh yes thank you! I appreciate that.” he finishes by saying to the bartender.

“Oh, well that’s nice! Umm…so you did a lot of driving today?” says Lacey.

“I did! I drove for about four hours today. I was- I’ll tell you-I’ll tell you what I was doing. It’s a story! So buckle up.

I had a delivery today outside of Chicago. I delivered a statue and a few days ago it was a water fountain. I often deliver antiques to-to people who are rich around the United States.

I’ll tell you what’s going on Lacey. I’ll tell you!

I am currently driving a monstrosity. I call a monstrosity. It’s a Suburban. …And I’ve rigged up this U-Haul behind us, and people pay me to deliver their things around the United States…and I’ve realized that if I earn enough money doing that and that if I keep my expenses low, I can keep my business going. So today I was on my way back from delivering a statue to a man outside of Chicago…but I also have a mirror in my U-Haul that’s worth about $25,000. It’s beautiful! It’s an antique mirror. I picked it up at an antique store…and you should’ve seen what they did when they put it in the U-Haul. The way they put all the straps around it and wrapped it up was amazing! I have to be very careful with it…but anyway- *he laughs* -the man that I am delivering it to texted me today. …And he said he wants it next week! Not three days from now! …And I texted him back and I said, ‘Ah…how dare you!?’

I said, ‘How dare you?! …I have a schedule to keep…and I really can’t change and alter my delivery dates on such short notice!’ And he responded and said to me, ‘I need it next week!’ And I said, ‘No!’

I am not going to bend over backwards for these…pushy people. No…these people are absurd!

They have a $75 million house in Rhode Island. I mean it’s-You should see it Lacey! It’s exquisite! It’s the sort of house that the rich and famous live in? Right? But they’re just pushy, bossy, terrible people…and I really don’t understand why people like that think they have a right to ask me to deliver to them later than was originally suggested to me.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“That is annoying you’re right! That is annoying! I’m glad you stood-up for yourself!

You know I doubt their house is worth $75 million though. It’s probably worth closer to $15 million.” says Lacey.

“No. Lacey…you have no idea what you’re talking about. …And as I say that I hear the condescending tone. Sorry.

…But…as a poor man who is struggling…I’m-I’m a very poor man…and the way- Lacey to me anyone with over $1 million in the bank is it rich! …But these people live in Rhode Island…and you should see the house. It’s on acres of land and they have horses…and I saw at least two Mercedes on the property in the photo he sent me. I mean the cars alone are more than I could possibly dream of affording in the next millennium.” says Lord Snotgrass, laughing.

“I really think their house is probably only worth $15 million…but I mean I could be wrong. …So you’re not a rich man?” says Lacey.

“No, I’m not a rich man. Umm…I have a nice house, but I am not rich, you know, and the Lord has called me into a time of barrenness in my bank account…to preach the word.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Alright…well that’s-that’s very brave of you to do that. It’s very admirable.” says Lacey.

“You know it-it-it is….and actually I still have an excellent lifestyle too.

I probably will have to renew my travel privileges if I date you. We will have to go to Hawaii and maybe we can sleep on the floor in the airport. …I know you’ll love it because you know as your sexual protector…I can sort of keep you safe even though it’s an airport. We will fly to lots of different exotic locations once I restore my travel privileges, Lacey.” says Lord Snotgrass

“No…I mean that sounds very-very much an adventure. I’m not sure if you could get me to do that- I don’t think I want to sleep on the floor in Hawaii. But that sounds like quite an adventure.

So what are you drinking?” asks Lacey.

“I am currently drinking a gin and tonic because of you. …You know your taste is rubbing off on me too. You’re inspiring me.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“So you- What is the bar like? Do you feel safe in the area?“ says Lacey.

“You know I’m only 5 feet 8 inches tall.” he says laughing. “So…I put a mattress in the back of the Suburban and because it’s not very cold out tonight I’ll use four wool blankets…and I’ll just sleep in the Suburban for now.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“That’s very wise, especially if you’ve been having more than one drink.” says Lacey.

“Yeah…I think it’s quite clever myself. Umm…so I am probably going to go soon. …But let’s just talk a little bit about ourselves as I’m walking to my car.

…What is it that you would like to know about Germany?” says Lord Snotgrass.

“I mean, it’s a beautiful country. I would love to know as much as you’d like to share with me.” says Lacey.

“I grew-up in a forest…and we ate truffles and took hikes.

As you know…my wife lives there now with our kids…and it’s the darndest thing, Lacey. The other week she told me on the phone that she was dating the neighbor. …And I said, ‘What the hell are you thinking?!’ And she said, ‘I’ve been dating other people for a while now!’ And I said, ‘Alright…well, I didn’t know that we were dating other people.’ So, you know, that was upsetting. …But I guess we’re dating other people now. But she was…an amazing wife to me…for the first 20 years of our lives together. And we used to go hiking and camping in the mountains…and have sex.

I mean…we were in love. …I thought she was the meaning of my existence for a few years off and on in my 20’s. But our love died.

I’ll tell you: Our kids are too traumatized. We adopted both of them and…turns-out they both were traumatized by their birth mother before we adopted them…so I got really bitter about life. …And even though I had a wife who I was in love with…I just got mean…and so she said, ‘I’m leaving you. You’re an asshole!’ one morning…and I never saw her again. And now we’re dating other people, I guess. And it’s just weird…but that’s-that’s my life.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Yeah…that’s-that’s interesting. Do you-When you share these things with me…are you worried at all that I’m going to get hurt…or not really?” says Lacey.

“I don’t know Lacey. …I am just sharing whatever comes to me. We’re just talking. I’m just sharing whatever comes to me to share with you…and I just wanted to share those things with you. …You know I don’t know. But that’s just what seems like something to share with you.“ says Lord Snotgrass.

“OK. Well…thanks for your honesty.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. I-I’d… I don’t know why I’m dating you because there’s a woman in Pennsylvania who is 50-something…who wants to sleep with me but I just don’t really want to. Ahh…but she was a cheerleader in high school…and she’s still good-looking. I have excellent taste in women, but…umm…I don’t know if it’s gonna work out with her.” Lord Snotgrass.

“You know…how about if we just end this conversation? Because I feel like you need to get to sleep…and there’s a lot for you to sort of process about your day. And maybe it’s best for you to just sort of unwind, you know? And sort of process through your day. And it’s really interesting hearing about your time in Chicago. So thanks for talking to me and umm…I hope you have a good night. I hope you stay warm.” says Lacey.

“I am very warm. You should see it in the inside of my Suburban. You could sleep here too. Easily. …I mean it’s not that bad. And Lacey it’s very cozy. I-I don’t see anything wrong with it at all.“ says Lord Snotgrass.

“Well…that’s good-that’s good that you’re going to be warm tonight. I am going to talk to you hopefully some other time. Have a good night and thanks so much for sharing your adventures.” says Lacey.

“Anytime Lacey, anytime. And when we go to Hawaii and sleep on the airport floor…you will be surprised by how incredibly amazing it is as an experience. Lacey…you’re not going to regret it. I am going to prove to you…that I am the man for you.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Well, that’s that’s a lot of stuff to think about. I hope it is a very good night sleeping in your cozy place of rest…and I will talk to you some other time.” says Lacey.

“Well I think you’re hot and there’s no way that I’m going to let you get away from me.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Oh…well that might not be possible. I might kill you if you’re trying to hold me hostage right? But…we’re just joking. …So…I’ll see you later maybe, maybe not. Right? Bye. Have a good night.” says Lacey.

“Oh OK. Yeah, it’s good talking to you. You have a wonderful night-peaceful night and I wish you the best. Thanks so much.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“You have a peaceful night too…and I wish you a happy sleeping.” says Lacey.

“Alright dear, goodbye.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“Goodbye, my friend.” says Lacey.

“And at that Lacey cried tears that she cried over Chris Hayes when Diego revealed the truth. The same almost exact tears, tears of loss and sadness and a feeling of abandonment by God and man. No she is not in love with them. No love for either Chris or Diego. She’s crying because she’s devastated that this is the shithole that we want her to live in and call life.” says Lem.

“I did think she was still in love with me too. I thought she was in love with me. I really did. I thought I could snap my fingers and she would still be interested. I mean I was a little hurt, but…I also had the delusion that she was in love with me.” says Lord Snotgrass. “I asked her out a day or two later for a hike.”

“Oh…and it’s funny how everyone thinks that she’s a gold-digger. They think that she’s madly in love and stupid as Hell and a gold-digger.” says Reta Banks.

“Oh…he was just cold.

He’s a very nice man. I’m sure you really messed-it-up somehow sweetie. And you just don’t have enough empathy for him. What did you do wrong in the situation? You must’ve done something wrong.

I think he probably was trying to reach out to you and you’re a bitter old hag. And if you just had been nicer to him and been more interesting, he probably would’ve liked you, but you’re not very fascinating…because we’re poor ugly people, in all honesty. It’s a miracle he was even talking to you…because he’s astoundingly fascinating himself.” says Lacey’s mother who raised her. This is generally the sort of thing that Lacey‘s mother planted in her head for her to tell herself in situations like that.