“I am going to ask questions that have already been asked, but I think need to be asked again because some people can’t handle the answers. And I’m gonna ask other questions that haven’t been asked that I think people need to hear the answers to.” says a woman.
“Okay.” says Lem.
“What is it that they’re doing to Lacey that makes her feel like she could have a heart attack or pass out that’s like smothering?” she asks.
“That’s something they’re doing with her nervous system. I don’t think I can explain it thoroughly but yeah, they’re trying to trigger a stroke or a heart attack essentially.” says Lem.
“Which perfume do you associate Lem with sleeping with Lacey?” she asks.
“Lost Cherry, ironically enough is what she was wearing when we first made love. Yes, I realize that that’s very funny and I’ve hesitated to have her buy a bottle but she’s wearing it right now and it definitely brings back memories for both of us.” says Lem. “So obviously it’s the wrong- I can’t, you can’t, lose my cherry, but she is my first and last and she doesn’t know it but I might have actually been her first as well.” says Lem.
“How are you possibly her first?!?” she asks.
“Well, I’ve explained this before. When she was asleep when she was about 14 or 15 she had a dream that was very complex, but essentially in the dream she made love to me and that’s a part of the dream that she’s not focused on almost ever because she had no idea who it was. I mean, who is this guy with glasses? And I was in her house too when she first moved in. She thought I was a previous owner of the house.” says Lem.
“So that wasn’t really a dream that was more of something supernatural.”
“Yes, that whole dream was possibly supernatural. I would say that it was essentially a near death experience because it’s what people experience when they die. No, that whole dream was supernatural. Except she didn’t die. Um, but her-she was-it was-her life was falling, apart more than she realized. She thought it was actually getting better, but it wasn’t…and God knew that it was going to get worse and that she needed divine intervention…and so he allowed her to have that dream.
And the beginning of the dream was was us having-umm…sleeping together for the first time as teenagers. No, she’s not Jack. Umm…there’s parts of the dream that she’s not telling you, but it involves me.
Umm…no, it wasn’t-It wasn’t, you know, a nocturnal dream of some sort that a woman could have. And no it wasn’t she’s not Jack. And it really was me. Sincerely. I mean you can deny it all you want but it was me, it was really me.” says Lem Billings.
“So she literally saw you? It wasn’t just like a physical sensation? She actually experienced sleeping with you in this dream?” asks Jonah Wiley.
“To be honest it-it really was like a near death experience. And I really cannot emphasize that enough.
So this dream felt more real than her waking life has ever felt…and if I’m a ghost, what she’s not prepared for is that it is actually what we experience all the time. I need to try to explain this to you, because if I am a ghost, it’s the part of the reason why she has a very dark view of…umm…being alive, so to speak, for people who would be going to Heaven. I think it’s hard for her to to believe that if they’re suffering too much that when she dies she shouldn’t just end the world essentially because it it really-it’s-it’s astounding.
When I say it feels more real than being alive I cannot emphasize that enough. I don’t know how-where you are in your perception pf reality, but when you’re awake versus when you’re asleep- Like have you ever really sat and thought about the differences? Because if you ponder it enough you start to get a perception of what it feels like to be awake, you know the sort of sense of you know how your eyes move and what they can see in your peripheral vision and the vividness of color. Just what it feels like to be awake.
So Imagine that what you feel when you’re awake is equivalent to an ordinary dream…and then waking-up is what you experience when you die. It’s that vivid of a difference. And it-it feels so much more authentic and real than being alive. Everything is very mushy and dim before. It’s very cloudy, it’s very low resolution for lack of a better way to describe it. Whereas when you die, it’s like everything is an HD and it’s so much more vivid.
So when she had this dream she was in the realm where we are and she was in the south of France for part of it in the 1930s or 20s possibly 40s…and I’m not convinced that it wasn’t Harold or Scott who brought her there. It might’ve been me, but she was in a house overlooking the ocean when she woke-up and that is still very vivid in her mind.
A lot a lot happened in that dream I won’t go into all of it but it was very complex.
But the very beginning of the dream was me and her having a discussion with God and God saying to both of us that something terrible had happened and that we were both in trouble in a sense, but not, you know, in trouble necessarily, but we we were having some serious problems. And He loved us and cared about us and was going to try to help us, which is part of the reason why she worries about reincarnation so much because that’s-it-that’s definitely a part of what she recalls from the dream, and if we were married if we are reincarnated, it would hint that something horrible went wrong and that God, being faithful to us, was trying to, you know, deliver us through the experience. But He might’ve also just recognized the tragedy of our lives.
Regardless, he allowed us in the stream to be together and that is unwittingly who has she has compared everyone to ever sense in her subconscious and no you allowed me to be a teenager again I was operating thinking like a 1516 year old and she was 14 1314 him and it was probably probably the 30s Maybe the 40s but it was a time. Around that that time that he allowed us to be in and are we probably would’ve gotten married if we were in it oh and I school and started our family very young I mean really we would’ve just had kids very young, because I think we both were ready to get married when we were about 16 she was I was and if we had had that opportunity, we probably would have I’ve been very happy believe it or not for the rest of our lives with just each other I don’t think either one of us needed to experience anything else if we’ve been married to each other I really don’t think we are the sort of people that would’ve found that at all necessary and no I mean if we had kids I have to talk about this because she’s exhausted if we’d if we had our kids would we were 17, 1617 maybe 20 they would be about 20 right now They be at it on their 20s and for that be nice she is physically so much more prepared than you might think at 40 to be a grandmother in about four or five years. I know that sounds shocking but that’s who she is in about five years six years she would be prepared to be a grandmother. It would seem strange to her, it really wouldn’t end and yet she looks young you know she looks very young or she has relatively speaking and you were even attracted to her and him but physically, that’s more my generation, you know, and we were or if it was a lot while her father‘s pal, Tom was born 1894, so Lacey him yeah in about 45 years she would be fully capable of being a grandmother at it if she lived another 20 years after that, that would be a pretty decent life Punta but that’s not what she’s experiencing at all but but regardless, she’s she is she’s subconsciously compared her entire life to me men her entire life she is subconsciously compared all of them to me, even the people that came afterwards in the dream, one of which was Joe Junior a lot of people were in the dream it was very complicated but the beginning of it was me and her and God and kind of makes you wonder to what the rest of it was all about right because it started off as just me and her but I am it’s no it’s I’m sorry it’s a disturbing and appropriate but really, very disturbing That I am someone who she’s aware of now because I’ve been silenced most of her life even though I’ve been in the back of her mind and I’m who she’s with for eternity and that’s not some thing. People are really supposed to know it’s not normal if she found ilumiNATTI God knew that it was likely he knew a lot of things that are happening we’re likely Play this conversation and I can see why she wonders about Harold Lowe because it looks like it could be him to you in the dream and so is it Lumos looks like Louis but it it was me and I‘s have no idea what to say because I’m dead and I feel bad for everyone who’s ever tried to be with her You didn’t stand a chance, but that wasn’t because of me and I’m in an unkind sort of way it’s more just that she is always just sort of taken and it would’ve taken a Normas amount of effort on any man’s part at awareness to really sort of woo her I didn’t go too far in the dream but I did I did take her virginity other people have claimed that and I can see why but I actually think considering how God sees it. It was me I mean it was me so.” says Lem.
“were were devastated in the gay community because we always thought you were gay. I’d like Lacey we have a hard time reading men and seeing the differences.” says a gay man.
“ you know I don’t know how to be any clear there’s a gay man who follows her right now who I have a feeling he’s actually bisexual even though he probably identify as gay and he looks gay can you actually slightly resembles me but you know he also looks like a man who is straight who she knows in Great Britain I mean he wears a very striking resemblance to him and it’s funny because I think you thought when he followed her that you’d be able to use him to harass her but you know to be honest with you you’ve just proven yourselves wrong because he does look like a man who is also very much straight and it just goes to show that you can’t tell what orientation people are based solely on how they look as far as like what color their hair is or what kind of glasses they wear or how big their arms are those are not clearly usable eugenics Lacey is far more superior and her understanding of such things to a lot of you apparently because she can tell that he’s mostly gay if not entirely, it’s obvious to her how many gay men do you need her to look at or bisexual men where she probably put some almost square on the Kinsey scale to where they really pull long and then you have to admit that she’s right again because I think the problem you people have is that you’re not is gift it is her or you’re lying I don’t think you can read people as well as she can and that way or you’re lying and it’s getting really irritating because I I gotta keep Siri explain to her that I was straight but you really screwed up because you and advertently are bringing about a Normas amount of self-awareness to people because of the fact that you’re in the illuminati if it’s real and so you’re bringing about a sexual awakening, whether Q realize it or not, you’re manifesting a sexual awakening of men who have previously identified as gay who are beginning to realize that they’re slightly bisexual and that’s not something that Lacey was necessarily trying to do but you’re conjuring that by attacking her so there are a decent number of men who could be in stable, gay marriages, who are suddenly gonna start wondering if they’re bisexual and are probably suddenly going to start looking at women and thinking you know I really never had that many experiences while I was in my 20s because I just jumped on the gate and you know bus and then just went with us because it seemed liberating, and it seemed like who I was, and I was try not to hurt anyone with it with my homosexuality, but what if there’s a woman out there who would you know be interested in but if she was attractive and some of these gay men are very happy, marriages as far as they can be right, and then some of them or not and yes, I said as far as I Canby because I am exercising my freedom of religion. I’m sorry if you don’t like it and my freedom of speech, my freedom to disagree with you but also, I’m warning any gay man reading this be mindful because if you have a friend who’s in a decent marriage, but he starts worrying. Don’t be surprised and if you have a friend who’s in a decent marriage, but he starts worrying actually, it’s not decent. Excuse me don’t be surprised if women start seeing genuinely more fasting to him than they have previously because that’s what you’re manifesting and it’s probably not what you were looking for because there a lot of them are going to sound like me and I was not gay at all I was not gay at all. I’m sorry I wasn’t really gay at all. I was very intelligent and well spoken and well read, and I was very intelligent, and I didn’t have an ability to see what was wrong with homosexuality because of how intellectual I was in a sense, and I just didn’t think that it was immoral I thought it was probably a deformity not a no if some thing is that it was really him And moral and I just thought well no it’s it’s it’s just you know him it’s just how I am maybe it’s not completely how I am but it’s sort of like you know a speech impediment for being deaf or blind or dumb. You know it’s just sort of some thing, wrong with you um, but those men are gonna sound like me because a lot of them have avoided being with women because they didn’t want to harm them. They didn’t wanna ruin their lives. They didn’t think that we would possibly be interested and they didn’t want to bother women, so it’s just so much easier to identify is completely gay, but if that’s not what they really are, you’re bringing about an awakening and that may not actually be I am it might be helpful it might not be it might be sort of a lateral move morally speaking but I don’t think that’s what your people were trying to create by overly challenging me, and by the way, the Supreme Court did rule against gay people in recent years because of this if this is a real conversation, if there is an illuminati, you really shouldn’t have thrown my wife down the fucking stairs, because then Ivana died and no, you can’t buy cake somewhere on demand You pushed me way too fucking far as a person and yeah I’m dead but you have no fucking clue how irritating it is to be a gay fucking mascot, but I never came out of the closet and you have no fucking clue how irritating it is to have some of the things I said, totally misconstrued I would love to see people more time for David Pitts him self put my quotations in better context, and double verify to make sure that it even is what people think it is. He did a piss massacred my percentage he destroyed me he is not my biographer. His book is a novel, not a biography, I’ll never came out of the closet. I never came out of the closet. You should never have written a book about me based on the premise that you knew I was gay, especially when people identified me who knew me at the time as bisexual who is to say that’s not more accurate then people who claimed I was gay I never claimed any of those and who the fuck are these people on Instagram and Wikipedia and what the hell else who were my friends from the 70s I swear that’s just Joe and Bobby, who shot heroin in my apartment telling you that they know I was gay because what they saw me with one man maybe and they assumed that I was it you know with him on a date maybe I was that’s not unequivocal proof that I was a homosexual and really Mark Zuckerberg is right I could’ve even said I was gay And not have actually been correct and the truth of the matter is I would like to put some of my quotations in context and it’s very daring because Lacey is going out on a limb with me saying this and then this is the end of this post because I’m starting to get irritated And I think we need to stop because I’m not hearing any questions and we’ve shared a hell of a lot when I said that I loved Jack. I meant as a fucking friend OK I meant that as a friend I did not say I’ve been in love with Jack I said I’ve loved him, I did mean to intimate that it was something beyond friendship I do admit to that, but when I said it, it was supposed to be about friendship, there’s a difference.
OK, so you had me saying it this way where it’s like I was madly in love with Jack, my whole life that’s not what I’m saying. And I’m saying, I love jack, my whole life and I’m saying in this very casual way. It was very nonchalant. It was very casual and it was meant to be taken as a statement about friendship. Because that’s the context of those times I died before 1981 do you have you have to keep that in context I never came out of the closet and so I was only openly discussing friendship you have to remember that when you use that quotation I was only openly talking about loving him as a friend that’s all. And there was the sub text intimated that it was more than that but it’s it’s under the auspices of me being in you know in the closet it’s in that it’s under the auspices of me not discussing the nature of our romantic relationship am so you can’t really verify how in love with him I was on that statement and yet people try to. You could verify that something probably happened between us. That was not friendship because it does seem like I’m hinting at something and you could verify that it was not open and that I wasn’t being open about it because I was actually discussing friendship openly. But it actually isn’t clear how in love with him or how much I actually love him I have and what I mean it’s not clear how in love with him I was it really isn’t clear.
And you people get so carried away you do you put caution to the wind and you start using my no quotations whatever which way you want and it’s disgusting to me. would it be as disgusting if I wasn’t straight? No, it wouldn’t be because it wouldn’t be as disgusting if Jack wasn’t a horrendous narcissist and I was his victim no, it really wouldn’t be, but that’s what you’re dealing with the fact that Jack was a horrible narcissist, a sexual predator really and that I was his victim and I was actually straight and vulnerable and he took advantage of me. I mean that’s that’s you know it isn’t it is yeah I don’t want Lacey reading that but it isn’t like that because I can try to explain it or what’s irritating is that you’re misusing my words, and I said them under duress.
I think you need to realize that there’s a hyperbole and me saying I loved him my whole life or I was trying to intimate that we were soulmates I am and it’s not clear which it is. I’m either stating that we were absolute soulmates or I’m being really patronizing or both but I am making a very clear statement of profound love or I’m being very patronizing and even if you were there and heard me you might not be able to tell so it’s one of those two I’m either being very patronizing or I’m stating that we were soulmates or both and I both I mean I’m saying we were soulmates in a patronizing way in the sense that we weren’t really soulmates but I am using hyperbole right so I’m either saying we were soulmates you know he was my twin flame. He was the hottest man to ever live my absolute best friend. I love Jack he was amazing And I’m being patronizing or I am being sincere.
Hey, and that’s where he gets here today because if I did have something to do with his assassination, I was never allowed to talk about it. So I had to make very backhanded commentary and be patronizing and yet you make insinuations and you know horribly complicated illusions because if I was too obvious, I would’ve gotten very deep trouble.
What if I didn’t have anything to do with his assassination and you can’t rule that out that I didn’t or that I did rather you don’t know it’s very possible that I did. You really can’t rule that out. Try to. But let’s just say that I didn’t let’s just say that I wasn’t incredibly exhausted by babysitting him and you know I am putting up with his nonsense for almost 30 years. Let’s just say that I was you know not aware of that I think it could’ve still been patronizing and you have to realize that that what I’m saying oh Jack was my best friend. I love you my whole damn life Because of him I was never alone I didn’t have a moment of loneliness. He was just the best damn friend anyone’s ever had no one could ever take his place best damn friend best damn president I know and I had a room in the White House and I was there for you know That you know I know the best time as if his presidency and I got to be friends with Jackie Kennedy and you know I have my picture taken adores Kurt good Chris Goodwin has interviewed me and I got to be rich and shoot heroin with do you know Kennedy boys in New York City Boys had a very extraordinary life. Can you imagine a better life while you wait let’s see getting married having kids settling down living somewhere instead of dying of heroin happy that’s the context I was a miserable drug addict when I made that commentary I was dying. When I made that comment I was a fucked up mess and I’m analyzing my life, and saying I mean I could’ve had a wife and family but what the hell as I’m dying of a heroin overdose practically and I have no one to give a shit about me and I’m alone at night and my only comfort is a needle. Yeah and I’d rather be living somewhere, I mean come on I guarantee you if I made that commentary to you are a bunch of people at least one person who heard that knew that I hated Jack, and one person decided to take it the wrong way, and convince everyone else to do the same thing or if I made that comment to someone else that person misunderstood Because I never meant to intimate but I was actually happy I was dying. When I said it I was miserable. How would I say he may been the reason I never got married I was never lonely am I being sarcastic or am I being sentimental, it should be obvious that I’m a little sarcastic.
I mean what the hell were gay men fighting so much for when they were trying to get married, settling down having a family and living somewhere and you and you stink and you think that’s what I had with Jack, or than what I had with him was so much better than having a fucking life somewhere you’re an idiot to think that. In order for that to make sense what I would’ve had with Jack would’ve had to be an extraordinary love affair of the first-° I mean, forget which Charles writer had with Sebastian place that isn’t even enough what I’ve heard of hats I’ve had with Jack to give up being married, and having a family, in the context in which I said that common would’ve had to have been extraordinary which is why people then try to say that I said I loved in my whole life we were soulmates because they’re trying to make sense of it and make me gay and the problem is that doesn’t work I guess what I had with him was complete fucking shit.
He got married to someone else you dumbasses, and I was an usher I wasn’t even one of his groomsmen. And I mean, how the hell did I even get invited to be in his wedding right? I wasn’t even I wasn’t even a groomsman I was just a fucking usher. Oh, and yet, of course, they photographed me dancing with Jackie. It was very advantageous for them. I made a big scene of myself I got drunk, and to be honest with you. I really wasn’t that upset. There is no amount of alcohol that could’ve dumbs down my emotions enough to have made me happy enough to take those pictures that I took if I was in love with Jack Kennedy Because Jackie was the star of the show and I don’t care what happened to the bachelor party or what happened afterwards I knew that he was going to sleep with her. She was the bride and she looked amazing. She was the star of the show she was the one on his arm everyone thought they were in love. No one knew about me and him. If you don’t think that would drive someone who is in love other fucking wall you’re insane, an idiot oh really unaware I knew they were going to sleep together. OK I’m not an idiot. I knew that they were sleeping together I knew and it clearly didn’t bother me that much that makes no sense if I was anything other than straight and fucked up.” says Lem,
“ I am as a gay man who identifies a straight gay, but action might be somewhat bisexual. I know what you’re talking about with her mannerisms. I can turn them off and on and at times I think I actually seem pretty straight to some people who are not probably as discerning is Lacey, I don’t know what it is that she senses but I have a feeling it’s probably extraordinarily accurate I am but no I can turn my mannerisms on and off I can’t turn off that part of me that she can read which makes you wonder what that is so speaking of which what are with K mannerisms? Did we invent them or are they actually a byproduct of us being repressed? Like are they an expression of us being ourselves or they actually sadly a sort of repercussion of us being repressed?” asks a reader.
“ it’s both CI I didn’t. I copied it people like you the way you hold your hand the way that you hold your mouth and your eyes I copy people like you I studied you and then I imitated you as best as I could and that sounds so unbelievable doesn’t it that’s the one we go to that extent should just try to pretend to be gay in the 1930s and 40s but you know that’s what I did it’s hard to believe but that’s what happened and the thing is it wasn’t an expression of my true self I wasn’t really being myself and some people dead catch on to that and compare me to zig what is it Ziggler or something for Woody Allen film it might actually be from 1983 but I was just kind of eerie, but no cause of that. That’s the earliest he was born but but that that’s two people that’s who I reminded people of for a reason I was very good at imitating people, I imitated Mae West very well as well and that used to make Jack laugh because Jack was stupid and he didn’t realize that I was imitating Mae West, the stapler that I was imitating a caveman or if he did realize that him he just it made him feel empowered to be that cruel to someone who is straight and disadvantaged but um, but a if he didn’t know no that’s where he was unfortunately very stupid anyway he might’ve been stupid anyway because it’s really far stupider than people think to try to. You know take advantage of someone who is as vulnerable because I was him know, but there’s so much you know I am a byproduct of you and men like you being, I am disdained and not being excepted and but not entirely part of it is also just use trying to express yourself I think in a sense you’re trying to be offensive people who are offended but in another way, I think you’re trying to seem appealing do you know kind of cute and lovable and endearing, as a defense mechanism against hatred, you’re trying to you know charmed people by exaggerating, your mannerisms and making them sort of cute and lovable but then beyond that it’s also a it’s also a way in which you’re hiding from other people you don’t want people to ever pick up on the fact that you’re really gay and you know him if you didn’t use your mannerisms, they would hear it more subtly in your voice, and it would sound very real, and in a way you sound like a very real person and a lot of people who are in capable of understanding, homosexuality for what it is, would probably be faced with the reality that it’s not a choice for most people of anyone and it’s just a part of who you are because it’s such a part of who you are it’s not some thing you’re choosing but by the same token you would be rejected then for who you really are and that’s probably very traditionally been very dangerous for a lot of gay men to be rejected for who they really are yeah you don’t seem straight to Lacey are you seem potentially attracted to her but you do not seem straight to her because you’re not and what is it she’s described it as around this and it is it’s not high-pitched high-pitched is is it is a sort of thing that gay men do that I imitated him and it seemed particularly high-pitched when I did it because I was straight and I didn’t know how to do it because it wasn’t an expression of myself. It was sort of an add-on and it was a little weird at times sounding if you really listen to my recording publicly between me and Jack I sound like I’m gay, but it sounds really if you listen like an act because there are moments where I stop sounding gay and it’s at the end of a sentence or what I’m having unguarded response and I don’t actually sound in love with him at all. I sound like I’m trying to seem charming and you know ingratiating to him. Oh, I can’t go whether you don’t go I could’ve just said darling lover, my best friend tell me what you’re doing today and I’ll worship you dear and it would’ve sounded pretty much the same. It wasn’t sincere and you can hear it in my voice, and it actually was the first time we were couple times Lacey listen to it. It was heartbreaking to her because she felt like Jack was being made. A total asshole of because he doesn’t hear it he he’s totally oblivious to it but it’s as clear as day that I don’t give a fuck about him you know I’m trying to be someone of a friend I’m asking about if you know the damn Mississippi business, but I am I route I was trying to do you know how to be a friend is like what I was saying I was trying to be loving to him. I thought that I loved him. I even thought I was in love with him for a while, I am am I the voice of wondered until I realized it was straight percent of my life but that’s because I had no idea what love really was as insane as I probably has to read. I really thought love was something very high From a 1950s television show you know very good but not a good night. I won that you picked a happy family you know when that was more dreary and stable but not you know I am love so that was the love that I had for him, my whole, my whole life you know him, I was being patronizing it was hyperbole paper. I didn’t actually mean it in a sincere way I was being very overly emotional overly dramatic. I love jack my whole life I was I was overstating it, but the point is though I really did try to love him as a friend and you can hear that in my voice when I’m asking him about Mississippi I was trying to be loving, just like when you got married, I have my hands on his shoulders and I look I’m sure that’s confusing picture to some people but I was actually very proud of him. I was very happy for him which doesn’t make any sense because him how could someone be that happy when they’re really supposed to be devastated? But I wasn’t really in love with him. I wasn’t really even attracted to him, and yet he was totally oblivious to that. He just knew that he was getting his bread buttered, and that I would help him. I would do whatever he wanted, I would bring hamsters across the country. I would fold his laundry, I would clean out his pus, filled wounds and cut his hair. I was an excellent wife. I was an excellent husband. I was excellent I was stellar I was an excellent gay husband, and I was very proud of him when he got married to someone else, and he never questioned it. Well, I think it bothered him somewhat But not enough because it didn’t. He just took it but I know it’s par for the course with me and no that’s the sad that’s the sad heartbreaking thing for Lacey is that he never seems to be cognizant of the fact that I am weird in that way and a lot of people say he was so in love with the love that I had for him but it’s to degree of being imbecilic. It’s like he doesn’t notice that it’s not sensible, because I’ve never getting my own needs met. I have no life essentially or if I do I he might’ve known nothing about it at all him and you know when you got married out I didn’t get jealous I didn’t throw a fit. I was just happy for him. I was a great friend with Jackie, you know somehow I convinced her even though I was gay to get married to him which is weird in a way because how did I do that? It isn’t because we were involved. But…she was attracted to me…and that gave me a certain sway over her psychologically. And it’s sad that Jack never seemed to realize that. He never noticed how disinterested I actually was in reality.” says Lem.
“What was a typical day?” asks Louis Bayard.
“I’ll say this: it was two-fold. Most of my day was spent humoring Jack. And on occasion he’d manage to be fun…and even genuinely endearing. And you’d start to feel crazy for ever being that upset with him. …And then the rest of my day was about me. And I was lonely. I was excruciatingly lonely most of my life…but I didn’t know it most of my life. I just knew I was…uneasy. And sad. And when I recognized my loneliness it was…far too depressing. …I would wake-up alone. Feel like shit. Listen to an argument between Jack and Jackie and then try to cheer Jack up. He’d be in a good mood by lunch. Jackie would be shopping.
He’d be shooting up by 11 and then he’d want sex. If I didn’t want to be expected to put out and Jackie wasn’t available…I’d arrange for a person to come do it. If I didn’t he’d be violent and abusive. And we mostly hired prostitutes. Mostly women. Sometimes men. By the afternoon…he was drinking. Women who were also drunk would show-up. They’d all sit around and laugh. …I always found that part of his day really…difficult to handle. Because he seemed…so ungrateful. And so distant. And I’d feel so unloved. You know…I wasn’t in love with him…but…I still felt betrayed. I still felt hurt by his disrespect and cruelty.
Nocturne For Piano No. 15 In F Minor by Chopin as performed by Arthur Rubinstein plays.
And so by dinner…after standing around looking dumb for hours by that time…I’d get drunk…if I wasn’t drunk already…and then just wait. On a bad night he’d expect sex. On a good night I’d imagine him…possibly loving me. He’d play at the piano and dedicate a song to me. And I’d feel…special. And yet…I couldn’t perform in bed later if he expected it. And so…I’d feel…confused. Of course, it wasn’t love. But I was empathetic…and…in my mind I imagined myself dedicating a piece of music to a wife…and what that would mean if I did it…and I’d feel…special. But…I never wanted it to go anywhere. And I didn’t reciprocate. …I just…felt…hopeful that life wasn’t so bad.” says Lem.
“That’s not the novel I wrote.” says Louis Bayard.
“Yeah. Lacey won’t read it.” says Lem.
“Shit.” he says.
“You’re an ass. You wanted her to be hurt by Jackie. You’re a total ass. Or…if this isn’t a real conversation…I bet someone inspired you. Either dead or alive.” says Lem. “And they’re an ass. A horrible jerk.”
“Yeah. The idea is that you find women attractive. But she’s still an idiotic, worthless loser.” says Louis Bayard.
“Why the fuck did you expect her to take you seriously?!?” asks Lem. “She’s far too intelligent and intellectually astute for that.”
“Because we’re a cult. And we have no idea how to think for ourselves. Unless-“ starts a director.
“Unless what? We’re the leader of North Korea?” asks Tom Ford.
“Why the hell did you take things to such stupid conclusions?” asks Chris Dodds.
“Why did we assume so much about Lem?” asks the director. He laughs.
“Wow! And you’re not scared by that?” asks Chris Dodds.
“No they’re not!” says Condoleezza Rice.
“That’s…either hilarious or a tragedy.” says Chris Dodds.
“Umm…Lem…you’re actually really fascinating. If this is you…you’re a fascinating character.” says a director.
“I am. Yeah. And if you’re honest about who Lacey is…you’re not able to…give her…my role.” says Lem.
Blue Boy by Mac DeMarco plays.
“What’s your role?” asks Stanley Kubrick.
“My role…is as a man. A traditional man. And I’m…in charge of her. For real. But…she’s happy and in love. And still very much herself. …And it’s real. …And…yet…it requires a belief in time travel…or for reincarnation to be in the Bible. Because…she was there. I slept alone? Not entirely.” says Lem.
“What was that like?” asks Elizabeth Moss.
“Well mom…” jokes Lem.
Elizabeth Moss laughs.
“It was…like a dream.” says Lem. “If I seem to be in a haze…it’s because I always kind of was. But it’s not because I was drunk all of the time. I was…often…thinking about her. Like I’m the man in the film Her. Except she’s not unfaithful. And I feel and was incredibly safe with her.” says Lem.
“So men noticed you being…sexually uninterested? Or what?” asks Bill Gates.
“Yeah. And Jack wasn’t making me happy. No one clearly was. So who was?” says Lem.
“What did you actually experience?” asks a man.
In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel plays.
“I can’t share that. It’s too graphic. …But I had a sense she was real.” says Lem.
“Her life is both better and far worse.” says a man.
“I know!” says Lem. “She’s 40 and I’m trying to take my family home.”
A pastor laughs. “Lem…you and Lacey…are very controversial. In every community.”
“Not to us!” says Queen Elizabeth II. “Dead or alive.”
“Goodnight. They’re saying goodnight!” says Queen Mary.
“Goodnight!” says Vincent K. from Mad Men.
Keen to Cross the Pond 