“Our Plan” by the Evil Illuminati

West End Blues by King Oliver’s Dixie Syncopators plays.

It’s dark. 3 AM on the Nesheim Farm. The evil Illuminati decided to finally invade the farm. Right?

*eye-roll*

And so…even as coyotes…and mountain lions roam…and it’s pitch black in a way few people have seen before…they stupidly stumble out off their SUV’s. Bottles of water. Yes. They’re cliche.

“So! I wanna see the house.” says a Hollywood woman.

“The house is unimpressive so far.” says a Hollywood man, snobbishly.

They break down the door. Charge in. Like Nazis.

They find lots of antiques. They walk out and go to see the oil derricks in their cars.

When The Sun Sets Down South as performed by Sidney Bechet plays.

“Oh my god! This place is awesome.” says a woman, drunk, cold and laughing in a bourgeois, haughty manner.

A coyote howls. Or is it a mountain lion?

A light flickers on and off mysteriously on the red hip roof barn.

“Can you imagine if they’re here?!” asks another bourgeois woman, stupidly.

They sleep in the house.

“I don’t get why these people loved this place.” says the first bourgeois woman.

“Well…it’s got a lot of space. The land.” says a man. “It’s expansive.”

“Yeah. Okay. …But it’s sad. Look how dark it is.” says the second bourgeois woman.

“Okay. So…when do we start the end of the world?” asks Woody Allen, standing in the Nesheim kitchen with them. In the afterlife.

“On it!” says Matthew.

“Oh wow. Okay. …Where’s Zelensky?” asks Woody Allen.

“He’s not here tonight.” says Joni.

“Sorry.” says Tessa.

“So…where do we all sleep?” he asks.

“We built another house.” says Harold Nesheim.

“Oh! Okay.” says Woody Allen.

And sure enough they built a small hotel.

Oil plummeted. Gold plummeted. Silver plummeted. Apple? Meh. Netflix? No! Nobody watches Netflix anymore. …Most businesses fail. Housing markets fail too. And only Russia and…well…everyone but the evil Illuminati saw it coming.

“So who’s the Antichrist?” desperately asks Jonah.

Ain’t Misbehavin’ by Fats Waller plays.

“I have no idea, but if what Lacey is writing about in her family is what’s actually happening I wouldn’t worry about your diabetes anymore Jonah.” says Joni Nesheim.

“Wait I don’t get it, so they literally have one of the largest oil reserves in the United States almost entirely in their family?” asks a Native American woman.

“It’s light crude, but yeah, our family owns the majority of it. It’s called The Bakken.” says Mark Nesheim.

“And you didn’t have a problem until Lacey started accidentally talking to Diego via telepathy and she wasn’t aware of it and you’re not sure if you’re imagining that they’re trying to kill all of you for the oil or if it’s really just that Diego lost his mind?” asks the CIA.

“Look you’re in violation of the US Constitution and honestly this country will cease to exist if you don’t understand that they’re a family who literally owns that oil. We have access to it but they own the oil. They own The Baaken. They literally own the Baaken. It’s still their’s. It doesn’t go anywhere. It’s their oil and she’s right the only way to stop them from being probably arguably one of the most powerful families in the entire world is by ceasing to use oil. No, they’re not in Forbes but that’s ridiculous that people in the Illuminati would be that naïve.” says BP.

“Why don’t we just go steal the oil and force the US to give us the land?” asks dozens of people.

“Because that’s not how it works. The oil has to be drilled out of the land.” says a woman.

“We could just divide the land up and share it.” says a woman.

“And then that’ll be the end of the country.” says BP.

“No it won’t. No, we’ll just take the oil and then just leave the rest alone.” says a person.

“That’s not remotely likely. If you take the land people will probably not most likely be OK with that and frankly that would give people the right to start randomly shooting each other.” says Lacey.

“It would be complete chaos and pandemonium. I mean it would essentially the end of the world.” says Wall Street.

“Yep…and that’s bad and that’s why things should’ve been addressed eight years ago and it shouldn’t of even happened at all.” says Lacey. “And as attractive as Bill Gates is, and he is very attractive, I am going to go to bed now and sleep with my husband Lem. And I do thank the kind people who helped me better talk with him. Thank you for helping me talk to him, that was very kind of you.

I am sorry that I’ve created such drama except I don’t know that I really did. That’s the problem. I am so- I’m not sure how to handle that because there’s not much that I can apologize for, I don’t think, unfortunately. So thanks so much for the great conversations with those of you who are charming people, and for those of you who are silly enough to think that this whole thing made sense to begin with, I worry for your souls.

If you invade my house tonight or my land that belongs to my family you’re going to regret it. I’ll try to make the fires of Hell look appealing.

I am amused that you killed Matthew. Because it’s so over-the-top. You killed so many people my family already you don’t need to kill someone else. That gut instinct you have to keep doing dumb shit is insane, irrational and not at all intelligent or well bred or wise. No, it’s destructive bullshit and that’s why I’m worried for your souls.” says Lacey Banks.