Angeles by Lem

Was there anything more to say about Lacey than the music of Elliott Smith?

Or me?

I used heroin. I was sexually abused. So was Elliott Smith.

I love his music too.

I really wasn’t gay. I wasn’t in love with Jack Kennedy. You misunderstood.

I’m sorry. I thought I was gay.

Between The Bars by Elliott Smith plays.

I had a physical response to being molested and it confused me. I genuinely didn’t think a man could be physically affected by the sexual touch of another man if he wasn’t homosexual. I was under the impression that that wasn’t possible. …I don’t you understand. How would I have known otherwise?

My father told me that when you were sexually affected by another man that scientists called that homosexuality when I asked him. He was a doctor. And then he died. That was one of the last times we ever talked about it.

So…I decided to embrace it. Because I couldn’t fix it. It had happened. And I decided that if I was homosexual I should learn to be happy with it. …I wanted to die. I was very suicidal. And that was long before Jack died. That was before I even met Jack.

Angeles by Elliott Smith plays.

How could I not reason through it? Well…I had no references. I was an innocent guy. It was a very different time. People really were more chaste. That’s not a myth. Lately I’ve seen people who think they know better saying otherwise. Ha! No. We really were more innocent. That’s not a myth.

…I had no other references.

I went to an all boys school. …Who was I supposed to figure this out with? Some random girl? From where? And why? It wouldn’t make my experience being molested disappear? I still had that conundrum.

So…I experimented somewhat. And it went badly. But I was hoping to make my sexuality work. Because I didn’t want to ruin a woman’s life. I imagined lots of women getting scared when they found out. And I didn’t want to scare them. …I didn’t want them to feel unsafe being married to an asthmatic, four-eyed homosexual. I was big. But…the man had still attacked me. I wasn’t big enough to defend myself from him…and…so…how could I protect a wife?

Waltz #2 by Elliott Smith plays.

Why wouldn’t that have bothered me with Lacey? …Because Lacey…is unusual.

Maybe it’s a hippie thing? But…Lacey is…the Greek chorus. Not me.

See…in our generation…she’s sexually liberated. But not…in a way that’s evil. So…it’s not like…I would be afraid that she’d get scared the same way. She knows. She would have known. …And…I would have had hope that if she loved me…that…nothing else mattered. It’s a generational thing.

Imagine…Lauren Bacall falling in love with a bisexual man. If he passionately loved her…and he knew himself, which I did, well enough to know he was deeply in love with her…he’d not let it go. Those dames are a type. And Lacey is possibly one of the last ones alive. They were…sultry and difficult and feminine and impossible to control…even if they would submit to their husband in an instant. They chose to submit. And they chose willingly. Happily. …But they don’t just give in ever.

It’s beautiful submission. But it’s not…giving in. They don’t ever really fall. They fall in love. They become weak and…you’d think they were…so…simple…if you didn’t know better and you were a man who they loved…but you’d have to figure it out eventually. It’s not around today, I don’t think. No wonder some men are confused by her. Huh?

Why would Tsar Putin like her? Ha! Does he? Maybe…he might. Right? Well…maybe he’s rare too.

The song ends.

Knives Out by Radiohead plays.

Thing is. She’s mine.

You’ve never seen her in love and happy. You never saw me in love and happy either. I was heterosexual. I imitated homosexuality. …I was just a dork…who loved rowing enough. And…yet…I wasn’t that athletic. I was enough. But…I’d rather hunt, fish and-

“Lem drop your act.” Lacey says to him.

He drops his arms. Straightens his legs. His face falls dramatically. He looks sad.

“Why are we alive?” he asks nobody in particular. He squints and pushes his glasses up his nose. Furrows his brow.

“Because. God created you. God made you. You’re supposed to be alive.” says Grant Tinker.

Lem smirks. “Yeah. Okay. …But why…are we so trapped?”

Ruled by Secrecy by Muse plays.

“Trapped by what?” asks Grant Tinker.

Lem stares at him. “Trapped by death.”

“What do you mean?” asks Grant Tinker.

“We’re trapped here until we die.” says Lem. “And…isn’t it kind of funny? You don’t seem to have much choice over it.”

“You’d rather be dead?” asks Grant Tinker.

Lem laughs. “You know I never got married.”

Grant looks disturbed. Stares at the ground.

“Why…was I ever born? It seems like a tragedy. Doesn’t it?” says Lem. He lights a cigarette. Smokes. “When was I ever going to be happy?”

Still starring at the ground. “Yeah. I hear you Lem.”

Lem laughs. “I can’t stand being in my own skin most days. I feel like my…whole soul is on fire. My life is Hell, Grant. I bet you’ve heard that before. But I’m the one who had a faggot’s view of Jack Kennedy’s assassination. I’m actually serious. …I wish I’d never been born.” and at that he walks off.

Grant collects himself. Never forgets it.

Did that happen?! You tell me!!! Right?! No? You don’t know. Huh. Why?

I was nasty before I died. It wasn’t mood swings. I wasn’t on my period. I was angry. I was violently angry.

…Why would I love Lacey? Because…she cries over mice. But she could shoot a man in war. If she’d been left in England in a scene like Mrs. Miniver…she’d have shot the German if necessary. But not because she doesn’t have a heart. Because she has one. …And some women aren’t like that. But…I guess I just would know that she knows enough…so if she loved me…maybe…I should…take time to really analyze the situation. She’s so smart. Right? …And…I would have seduced her anyway. But not all women can be seduced by all men. Or something like that. Right? So…what is love? And all that. And then…come to think of it…I’m heterosexual. Wow!

…I wouldn’t have killed Jack. Iffin I even did. But maybe, regardless, he wouldn’t have died.

Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap plays.

Maybe…Lacey needed us and we needed her. But that’s not reality, as in, that’s not what happened.

So…now…you have Lacey Banks writing a blog about the Illuminati. And Tsar Putin putting the US in a frenzy right before Valentine’s Day. Awkward? Or no? In 2024.

What is a tsar?

What is a homosexual?

What is death?

Is there reincarnation in the Bible? Is Alexei running Russia in 2024? Is a dead British aristocrat…writing this blog?

“Who are we?” asked Chris Hayes or a demon impersonating him in 2016.

Yeah. Who are we?

I’m not a dead homosexual. Am I a dead Englishman from the 1800’s? Is Lacey the mother of my kids? Are her kids now…my children from the 1800’s? Are those MY kids?

If so…Mark her husband knows. He’s a dead English aristocrat too. When he was in London at the Milestone…he was…comfortable. He knew…so much. Was that his sophistication…or did I ask him for help when I died? He was born in 1982. Did I beg him to go help me?

Why couldn’t I? Maybe it wasn’t possible. Maybe it wasn’t safe. Why? Well…is there reincarnation in the Bible or not? Answer that one first.

Why did Mark do it? As a fellow Englishman. Noble. Brave. Courageous. Honorable. Honourable. He knew what he was signing up for. And the minute he had her…she was mine…if that’s true. I wasn’t about to let go that easily…if I ever thought to at all. …I never really did.

Mark…has true love waiting upon death. If he never finds it while he’s alive…the minute he dies he’s…with her again. And she knows. And she understands. That’s who they are. If this is true. Fascinating people? Yeah. Maybe. What did he need to figure out, right? Why did she let him do this? Or was it purely sacrificial? …And of course the irony is that…Mark still loves her. But it’s a fallen world and while it broke Lacey’s heart…they still love each other very deeply as people. And he refuses to divorce her. He adamantly refuses.

But…have you figured it out? Is there reincarnation in the Bible?

I’ll tell you one thing…if I’m me…and God was allowing her to be with me and still is…I would have lost her…if I didn’t want her more than lots of other men. More than anything… More than Elliott Roosevelt. More than any man could. And…so…I wouldn’t have lost her…because I wasn’t attracted to men…and…I used heroin…like Elliott Smith…to stop feeling like my insides were being picked out with a fork by Satan. Constantly.

Shift (Alternate Version) by Grizzly Bear plays.

Do you whistle in graveyards?

Later.

“Lacey. Do you ever consciously recall hearing about the Prisoner Planet Theory??” asks Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Not in any detail.” says Lacey.

“Do you think you’ve even heard of it!?” asks a Gen. X woman.

“I mean when I left my blog I went on Tik Tok and found it. But…it’s possible I had never heard of it at all.” says Lacey.

“Lem. We’re wondering if you were referring to that?” asks a man.

“Yes! I was.” says Lem. “For a reason.”

“But Lacey didn’t know about it!?” asks Joe Biden. “Which suggests that she’s talking to somebody else’s consciousness somewhere…FOR CERTAIN.”

“It does!” says Lem.

Bobby laughs. “Does that theory fascinate you?”

“No. But I’m worried someone somewhere will think our lives prove that theory as reality. So…I brought it up.” says Lem. “I’m dead. I knew she’d find that on Tik Tok. I knew you’d bring this up.

The problem with Prisoner Planet Theory is that it doesn’t allow for good. …Where does good come from? Lacey certainly loves her kids. …Horror is only horror because of good. There can be no evil without good to compare it to. There could be good without evil, however. Because good is when everything is as it should be. We don’t need evil.” says Lem. “You can ask why God allows for evil. But you can’t suggest that evil is the only force that matters nor that there’s no way out. …Every drop of beauty is proof good exists. And where does it come from? It’s more meaningful to us than evil. Or Prisoner Planet Theory is nonsense. Who’d care unless good is infinitely more essential and valuable than evil. Our emotional responses are what matter? Why are we so affected by good?” says Lem. “Why is that what we want?”

“Yeah!” says Tsar Putin.

“Shoot!” says Tucker Carlson.

Silence.

“Lacey are those your thoughts or Lem’s?” asks Tucker Carlson.

“Lem’s.” says Lacey. “If that’s Lem.”

“Dang.” says Bobby.

“You should think about an answer. What’s the answer?” asks Lacey.

“They created good to given us false hope.” says a reader.

“Huh. Then why does it matter to us?” asks Lem.

“Yeah. It has a power over us.” she says. “Okay. So…why does what we want matter?”

“Because it gives us power? Or we think it does.” says Lem. “And when it’s truly good…which comes from Christ…it’s real power.”

“Yeah. And if they’re collecting our energy…they need us. Or what?” she says.

“I mean…order and logic…are powerful. We want good. It’s physics. It’s evolution. …Or the better part of it.” says Lacey.

“If our energy matters…then why can’t we overthrow them?” asks Lem.

“Because we don’t understand them?” asks Ivanka.

“Because we don’t. Yeah. Okay. And that keeps the theory alive…but still…where did the good come from?” asks Lem.

They think.

“Yeah. Because good is actual good.” says Ivanka. “Where did our attachment to it come from?”

“Exactly!” says Lem. “It’s not from nowhere. Right? So did these evil entities create good? Why? …We’re supposed to believe they’re so above us that their perspective is unknowable? Then how can we even know that they’re evil? Or reptiles? Reptiles are from our world. So…they’d have to make sense in our matrix.”

“They sound demonic.” says Tsar Putin.

“They are!” says Lem. “Listen…which one of them created good? Why aren’t they good? And still, where does good come from? …Why don’t they like good? If they created it? Are they so lowly and low vibration that they can’t appreciate it? How…sad? Why aren’t they the trapped ones? Why can’t they just be good? If we can see that good is better than evil…and genuine happiness better than despair…then why…can’t they? Are they stupid? …And why haven’t I come back!? I haven’t come back.” says Lem. “Why didn’t I come back if it’s actually prison?”

“Has my mother come back?” asks King Charles III.

“No!!” says Lem.

“Does she still exist?” asks a child.

“Yes!!” says Lem.

“Yeah. There’s flaws with that theory.” says a reader. “Like…where did they come from?”

“Yeah! And why do they get along? Do they get along? Why do they need our energy?” asks Lem.

“Why wouldn’t they feed off our happiness?” asks Dmitry.

“True!” says Lem. “It has to be evil?”

“Yeah! The status quo seems to be good not evil. Life not death. Not the other way around. And energy loves status quo in the universe. Always growing. Always moving. Stuff like that.” says Dmitry.

Later.

“Lem. You’re scary. Dude.

Okay. Where does happiness come from?” asks a reader.

“Yeah. What’s it’s origin?

See…if I was alive…Lacey would be so happy she’d be prepared to die. Face God. Face evil. I could make her that happy. …She could make me that happy.

We’d miss each other. But we’d never…not see that. …If I was deep enough to love Jack the way it seems I did…to some people…and write about art the way I did…why didn’t I see the depth of our relationship as it was happening? Why wasn’t I so happy…that I prepared for his death? He almost died often. Why would it never occur to me to process that information and prepare myself? It never occurred to me that he could die!?! Really!? I was so happy he was alive I never got angry at him? Then how did I get attached? Where was our intimacy? No. It makes no sense.

And based on what I said…I lived in denial that he could die. So why was I so happy at his wedding? It doesn’t make any sense.

But regardless…good is bigger than evil. Light is more powerful than darkness. Happiness matters more than sadness in the end.

And…sadly…I can’t…believe God will let Lacey is exist as she’s existing indefinitely. Why sadly? Because she’s sad. It’s just sad. …I can’t give her the happiness I could if I was alive. So if that’s all that’s possible now…God has to fix it. Somehow. Because it’s extremely unfair.

Look…films like A Portrait of Jennie help. But…it’s still a film. It’s still fiction. And it’s not solid theology. So…there’s not a lot of comfort there. …Something obviously has to be more certain. For real.

But…she didn’t invent Prisoner Theory. And I was hinting at it. That’s at least eerie.” says Lem.

Later.

“By the way, Prisoner Theory is a great way of controlling people. Keep them from feeling their negative emotions because they believe that by not letting themselves feel that the evil entities won’t be able to control them or harvest from them. …So people don’t experience their anger and it weakens them. That’s very dangerous to society and the individual. No. It’s hogwash. And possibly be great way to harm people.” says Lem. “Good is real. Love is real.”