“Why Do You Care So Damn Much?” by a dead mother

You saw Lacey with her short, bobbed dyed dark hair and big brown eyes. She was gorgeous.

Videotape by Radiohead plays.

And you knew she was so…damn…sad.

You knew she was sad.

And it bothered you. All of you.

Why? …Because you can’t fix it.

You can’t fix mommy?

And her so…when her son almost died…did you question it? Did you all wonder secretly if you should just let him go?

WHY!?

And then what? Like Romy Schneider…she needed to die too? Is that it? What’s going on in your collective subconscious?

Lem would love to hang out with his son. Teach him fishing. Really. …But…that might not have been God’s will.

But you couldn’t stand her sadness. It gave you the creeps.

She gives you the creeps. She’s so beautiful. But it’s in this…rather unusual way. And it’s…lovely but also scary. It wouldn’t be in Europe. Or really anywhere outside of North America. But in North America it looks…scary. Like a ghost?

Between The Bars by Elliott Smith plays.

Who’s singing this? Lem? To Lacey? She’s not Jack. …And if there’s reincarnation Lem is singing with despair about keeping himself still. Because he can’t imagine Lacey is still in love with him after the life he had.

The Swimmer by Max Richter plays.

Those aren’t dead eyes. Those are eyes looking into the ether. Something supernatural was talking to her there.

I’m a ghost. You forgot that. Didn’t you?

She’s so beautiful it hurts.

And yet…she’s so sad.

So alone.

And it’s frightening. Isn’t it?

Like…what if.

West End Blues by King Oliver plays.

What if…Russia took over the world!?? What if…we had a global pandemic? …What if…this woman is so damn sad she decides to end the bloody world when she dies?

A woman that pretty shouldn’t be that alone or that sad. …A woman that well-bred shouldn’t be that alone…or that sad. A woman that…good…shouldn’t be so…hopeless.

Because if she actually is…what the hell was the point of modern society? Why did we try so hard!? …This isn’t supposed to happen folks!

A person like her isn’t supposed to stop caring about herself in that way to that degree.

No. She cared. She cared about her life as a Christian. She cares about herself as a Christian. But…if she didn’t have kids and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s ghost appeared to her on New Year’s Eve and told her to drink his flask…and she’d die…but it’d be painless…she’d have drank it.

No. She got married and had kids. But what if she hadn’t? What if Lacey…had never married? Why? Because she refused to date non-Christians. Easy! …And so she finishes her degree in Social Work. Easy. Buys a condo. Has no debt. Is stable. Knits. Collects perfume. But can’t find and steady boyfriend. So…at 32…still extremely beautiful…she wanders out late at night herself on New Years Eve…hiding tears…suicidal…drunk…and looks off the cliff at downtown Saint Paul. In 2014.

Deep Henderson by King Oliver plays.

She sees the city lights. The cold air casting shadows with molecules of exhaust floating upwards into the starry night sky. She sees…the past. And so…in tears she considers death.

“Hey! If you drink from this flask…you’ll die. God told me to let you die.” says a handsome man behind her. She turns around and sees a scary looking man…who seems dressed like people from the 1920’s. Except he’s so…there. Scary why? She can’t figure it out.

“Yes! I’m aware.” says Woody Allen, cryptically. “I’m prepared to be a ghost now. That sounded really creepy!”

“Look. It’s simple. God wants you dead now. If you’re ready to die, that is.” says Scott to Lacey.

She stares at him in shock. “Are you a murderer?” she asks innocently like an actress in a 1940’s film.

Scott looks off. Thinks. Puts his hands in his pockets. “No. But…look…why not just come home?”

“Because I’m not ready to go until God says so.” says Lacey.

“Then tell you what! If you finish this flask. …Actually if you drink from my flask at all-“ he takes a swig. “Look. I’m already dead. I’m a ghost. I grew-up around here. …I’m F. Scott Fitzgerald. …But look…if you drink one drop…you’ll die. Instantly. Trust me. And only if God allows you to. See? So…it won’t work if it’s not God’s will. …And then you’ll be with me. And my friends tonight. There’s a party on the block and we’d like you to join us. Being New Years Eve and all.” says Scott.

Nelson Stomp by King Oliver plays.

“Well…gee…let me ask God.” says Lacey. She closes her eyes. Prays. Decides to drink.

And instantly she’s hit by a car. On Summit Avenue. End of story.

Is that a sad ending?

It’s not.

It’s a happy quirky ending.

Because…she goes to a party. With Scott Fitzgerald. And Zelda. And…OF COURSE LEM IS THERE. And no…she’s not Jack. And hey! Maybe Louis, Harold, Elliott…and Michael are there too. Well…at least Lem, Louis and Harold. …Golly. It’s a fun end. It’s sad. Yeah? But…she never had kids. And so…she gets to have them in Heaven. And…God honors her with extreme measures for her intense and yet very sincere desire to honor Him.

But she…tried to “work with things” and…slept with Mark before they were married. And actually…her motivations were almost entirely pure…but…now she’s trapped.

Suspirium Finale by Thom Yorke plays.

You can’t kill her kids without killing her kids. Tsar Putin could blow her whole family up. He’s rich enough to. …But then she’d be dead. And he’d have killed her. It’s a possibly impossible task. No you can’t kill her without killing her.

And if her father Tom Banks was here…she’d not have to die. He’d know how to do it…but then you wouldn’t have to. And he’d not ever need or want to. She’s not Connor Rooney. She’s sweet, pretty, dear, kind…Lacey Banks. Like the mother who died when he was 12. You don’t kill your kids.

“Why the hell did you die!?” asks a Canadian woman of this writer. “We needed you.”

My mind made me think it made sense.

“ can I just interrupt as much as this is a fascinating fascinating eight years of an exploration into this woman’s psyche I just want to ask is this really necessary? I mean I get it Diego‘s a big deal. Apparently this was his idea somehow but I don’t quite get why were doing this, but she’s fascinating. No, I mean she’s super fascinating. To be honest I secretly think MSNBC likes her advice to themselves about it because she is like the dark edgy version. She’s like the grunge version of Jackie and Marilyn. She’s like the dark version because she’s straight and she’s like edgy and she’s like old money and yet she’s like really in the mafia but not really maybe I don’t know if her father was actual mafia or if he was just associated with them but like they own it to some degree but then she like isn’t because she’s old money but then she is dead so it’s like they’re friends with Al Capone but then they’re also friends with the Rockefellers but then like then they’re also like like not Catholic but then they’re English but then I mean there’s a lot there and I kind of feel like her coloring even with the brown eyes is a thing because she actually does look like Rachel Ward. I’ve thought about it and I have a feeling in person she looks like, I don’t wanna call her frumpy and I don’t wanna call Rachel Ward, ugly butt. It’s like an away they’re both more beautiful than a toddler but I don’t know if that’s even true am I just think that they’re the same kind of beauty and there’s something very English about it, and it was Socratic and charming, but no I mean like him that’s kind of edgy because it’s not like the typical beauty that most people have were popular and I think they love that because it’s so like I thought you guards sort of edgy which is probably why she thought she knows when she was her signature fragrance instead of Chanel number five I mean that’s so obvious. I don’t know how to even begin to talk about it without losing my shit because I don’t get why the perfume community did that to her lake, she’s clearly like an alternate OK people like Casi and Dimitri’s wife wear Chanel 22 because it’s like a sexy fragrance and it has like aldehydes and it’s like classic and vintage but she’s not wearing it for those reasons she’s wearing it because that’s like that was who she thought she was like it was a lot deeper than just that and I don’t know why they had to screw with that. That just pisses me off as a reader but anyway, I just I wanna know why were doing this it’s super fascinating. I love looking at like the unsung people in history and like it’s fascinating to think that she’s like this gangsters daughter but she’s also old money and then she could’ve married Michael but he was like possibly bisexual but they would’ve been in love and she’s super feminine but then she’s like dark and mysterious and he gets it and then like that’s not really who she’s with no simulate she’s in love with love her and that was gay but secretly like she knows he’s not in so like he seduces her and then she seduces him and then they runoff together and that’s like super dramatic and exciting like I am. I love it like clearly it’s like great drama like it’s so so up our alley like we love it right but I’m getting sick of it because this woman is a real person and as much as I love Putin, I don’t really want him running the United States if that’s possible, like, if it’s not too much trouble for him, I would really rather not have him run in and states, and I would really rather just have like a president that we elect for like eight years who’s stable can we do that or is that just like not a thing anymore? Are we not doing that anymore? Are we not voting for president and keeping them for eight years or like is that? Is that just out of style like saying like all the time like are we just really sick of it so we’re just doing something different like why why can’t we talk like this anymore? This made sense and millennials talks like this because we were pissed off like latent in this way of talking is hostility that’s repressed and I’m realizing that as I say it but I just I don’t get it I don’t get why we can’t have a president. I don’t get why we’re like I’m just like long eight your tangent digressing into this woman’s subconscious will be tried to kill her apparently and like what a fucking joke you people are you talk to ghosts they probably basically almost manifest at times for you if they don’t literally manifest really might as well and then you have the audacity to still believe in atheism. Could you at least admit that your atheism should include an afterlife like I don’t understand why are you people are so dogged about that bullshit like let it fucking go OK let it fucking go. There’s an afterlife and you all know that it’s extraordinarily unlikely that there isn’t one.

And I’m just waiting for you people to have the reality check that this is a real conversation. If there’s an illuminati, you sacrificed her family she’s not going to die and here’s the irony. What did you sacrifice them to tell me another minorities answer that question who did you sacrifice the Nesheims to?” asks a reader.

“ we sacrifice them either to bail him or Satan possibly to our version of God and the idea was just to try to get you know blessings from our deity of choice.” says the Illuminati.

“ OK thanks for clarifying. so some of them have died. How is that working out for you?” asks a reader.

“ oh, I mean we haven’t really like net almost anything from their death so we’re aware of necessarily but it’s just part of ritual so it’s like whoever they whoever’s like on the chopping block according to the deity is the ones of God you just kind of let them decide who should die like you sacrifice the whole family and then whoever that duty decides to die, is who dies him course the one hangup with the whole thing is that you can’t track you know it like the results like you can’t measure how much of Leica a sort of favor you’ve garnered by killing certain people because there’s no way to really measure that because we just do it like club soda speak I mean we sacrifice lots to get to get the good stuff so to speak I’m from the Dietes and so when you do it so often, it’s hard to keep track of like what sacrifices are like you know making things happen and what you’re just maybe not working it’s sort of duds so I don’t know how to answer that question.” says Jennifer Aniston.

“ I I don’t think that’s a terrible him answer actually because it tells me what I need to know so I’m just I am I’m just confused about why it isn’t working to kill Lacey like why do you think she hast to die I mean people are dying and her family simile prematurely why do you think the deity is trying to kill her?“ says the woman.

“ you don’t think our deity is trying to kill her?” asks Jennifer Aniston.

“ I doubt it and actually I am more worried that that Didi is trying to like torture her and her family by keeping them alive. I mean I don’t think suffocating her using demons is a good way for her to go any more than like giving her anemia and throwing her down the stairs and like making her paralyzed or something I mean shit like that it’s just sadistic, and then really at the end of the day, I am what is fuck like you’re wishing me a worshiping a deity that wants you to torture innocent people how safe is that deity?” asks a reader.

“ yeah, I agree!” says the perfume community.

“ am I crazy and she wasn’t a bad person?” asks Casi Brooke Hart about Lacey.

“ how the hell do you think she’s a bad person Casi that’s weird I really hope that you didn’t actually think that.” says a reader.

“ i’m like those people who work at Johns Hopkins aren’t I I really am I’m like those people.” says Casi.

“ yeah you are.” says a man.

“ oh, except I’m not a doctor and I would never hold someone hostage in that way I hope.” says Casi.

“ real Cassie you should be more careful going around antagonizing people if you’re scared right now for your life is why you don’t do that you don’t go around and start fights with people everywhere you go and less if you want to end up dead eventually before you should die but no, hopefully people won’t get it in their head that they should kill you based on his blog, unless if you’re really purely evil sadistic person in your part of a sex ring do you traffic children Casi are you a pervert, who traffics children or not?” asks another reader.

“ no!” says Casi.

“ anyway, I don’t think that Lacey is being killed. I think she’s being tortured but I’m not sure that actually is good for you.” says a reader to the Illuminati. “ I don’t think that you could kidnap her her kids I have a feeling something really terrible would happen and actually what are the things that might end up happening is her having a heart attack and dying and then destroying people like left and right I think if you killed her kids, I mean I think if you kidnap them, she is start probably praying for the death and destruction of the entire world. If not wondering if she should kill her self to try to find them. I don’t know what would happen but I don’t think you guys are respectful enough of the afterlife and I think that that could literally be a nuclear war within five years of kidnapping them like, I don’t know why but I just get the sense that like she’s an orphan basically and she’s had a horrific life and this is bizarre torture of her and I I don’t think that it would go well. OK I have a very strong suspicion that you would all regret it, and that her kids would probably die seats, and then it would just be a total shit show for humanity. I mean really, it would not end well for evil anyone attacking her it would not end well so just don’t do that please if you have some inclination to do that, I would consider suicide first like sincerely if this is a real conversation and there’s someone that’s crazy enough to think of kidnapping them shoot yourself in the head first OK if you’re working for illuminati or general shit yourself in the head first before you can have her kids please just shoot yourself in the head jump off a cliff jump off a bridge die before you kidnap her children, I beg you on behalf of humanity, like please do us a favor and just kill yourself if you’re thinking of kidnapping her children.” says a reader.

“ I yeah I agree I echo that so if the US constitution doesn’t matter anymore do you have to pay taxes still?” asks a Canadian.

“ no, you wouldn’t and we wouldn’t go into martial law by the way it would just be chaos, which is very close to what it already is to be perfectly honest there is no law that’s a concept there are no police that’s a concept a lot of these things that you don’t understand or embarrassing to you people nothing matters, unless if people take it seriously if people didn’t take anything seriously but I’ll just die Uno just die don’t think we weren’t unfit to live and we would be so in the question becomes. What do we take seriously and then that’s where you people have to grow up and realize that but not taking peoples life seriously, taking children seriously, taking yourselves seriously, taking her seriously by people not understanding what was going on in America for the last 50 years. We are in serious trouble. I mean really we were in decay but her writing this blog and being attacked by Libonatti. Yeah I guess she’s working with things I mean wow it’s scary except it’s also not OK grow up, at least his father really is Tom Banks just grow up OK he was very powerful. He was very wealthy and he probably was old buddy in a way that very few people are and honestly she already is anyway through the seas to some degree but like that’s a southern thing because they maybe weren’t as much after the Civil War. Where is the part of maybe more are now, but they weren’t for a while because of the Civil War whatever but I’m not convinced that’s even her biological family and honestly you don’t have to laugh till sort of you know deal with that reality there’s a lot that you guys can’t control there’s a heck of a lot you guys can’t control you’re never going to find this woman, not in love with a ghost most likely at this point because I don’t think there’s almost anyone alive who she could love the way that she could love people who are dead.

And I have a feeling that there are very few millennial guys who are really her type and I have a feeling there are very few Gen X guys who are tight they probably may be a few more of them, but not that many there’s probably quite a few men in the silent generation, the boomers are we are generation for her. I have a feeling that they always end up being weird because, there’s just it’s like I think she feels too maternal towards them and it’s just too creepy. I think it’s even born a boomer very few of them were falling in love with her. I think they would’ve thought she was good looking but they would’ve probably wanted to marry her as much, why because I think again she’s just too it’s like maternal sort of but I don’t think they think of it that way because she’s not an old fuddy-duddy right and she’s not weird. It’s just something about her would seem I think she would just seem to I think she’d seem to my turtle But anyway but in this very deep complicated way, psychologically, telling generation, OK greatest generation obviously there’s probably a lot in that generation who she could have married but no I mean it’s like I don’t think you’re gonna find anyone alive who can compete with One Billings or Michael or Elliot Roosevelt I mean come on, and there’s probably like 140 guys in that generation who date her or even another generations adjacent, who would date her like an instant, if it didn’t work out. So I don’t I just don’t think that that’s a thing I don’t think you guys are gonna find her a husband I think really the best she can do is try to be happy with her legal husband and just live a quiet life and you know I have a feeling he completely knows about them And I have a feeling that’s all that she has. It’s just this hope that when she’s done she’ll be happy and then whatever closeness as a person she can have with her husband, so sort of was like a working relationship sort of like I get the sense that they’re like friends and then like and it sounds like partners and raising their kids and that’s functional, I know there’s not there’s possibly nothing else for her to to be like there’s nothing else and that’s not enough and it’s sad isn’t it because it’s not she’s not like attracted to the dead people she’s not a part of the LGBTQ community she’s not attracted to dead people she’s just stuck with them for like real dead people And that’s just how it is OK and yeah I’m feeling that she’s probably a scary person to talk to you because she’s so old Maria and she’s so stoic and so some people are like. Oh that’s masculine. No it’s not masculine that’s like unfortunately sort of a white trash view with her I don’t think many Black people would make that mistake and I don’t think that those white women who wanna believe that all women are weak and stupid Does it I’m sorry that’s the stat is it that’s that’s clearly what it is a lot of people who are poor and whites think that in order to be a woman you have to be sort of weak and that’s just not true. You can be strong in the woman and be straight and sis, that’s a very bourgeois very lower class way of seeing femininity you can be strong and feminine and be a literal Queen Elizabeth was like a literal queen and Lacey being the daughter of Thomas Banks, probably is almost like that herself and some in someway I don’t think you guys get it. They’re not like us in that way. OK they don’t break down the way that we do we just don’t, they don’t they just don’t and people trying to make them relatable have it’s like ruined our way of seeing them and all these stupid period dramas were Black people are suddenly living in Victorian England wearing crowns on their head I mean what the fuck is that shit they never fucking happened Did look pretty like that but that never fucking happened. That’s not reality it’s obnoxious as hell. I’m sorry I’m so sick of these Black people wanting that to like the history. That is not fucking history. Y’all looks good in Africa y’all look good are you look good in our clothes we look fucking good in yours too. You think there are plenty of white women who would look hot as hell if they ran around naked read, nose rings, and like skirts and shit, shaving their head. No, they look hot as heck too, but that’s not how we dressed in Europe Know and frankly there is a man that wish that we had but that’s not how we dressed. We had the whole tiara thing honey that was American right now that was European not American and being silly but the point is the point is you can’t like you can’t make this bitch happy in that way. She’s not even a bitch OK but you can’t make her happy in that way, that is not going to happen unless if you can literally resurrect the dead that ain’t gonna happen and I would think you probably can and that way at least I doubt it will that be interesting but I don’t think that can happen it’s possible they already are resurrected as much as they can be I don’t think I don’t. I don’t think I don’t think I don’t think that could happen I don’t I don’t think that you can make her happy in that way.”

The American Illuminati goes into shock.

Sing For Absolution by Muse plays.

What if…this is a song about Purgatory? A man dies. Sings about it?

But it isn’t about Lacey. Or Lem. Or Tsar Putin. It’s about some unknown man…who…still cares…even though he’s unknown.