“An Irish Fortune” by Lem Billings

The English were…cruel to the Irish.

2 More Dead by RJD2 plays.

“Hey! Look at that!” says HoneyFitz rolling-up to a hideaway for Irish tears. He looks like a 1980’s pimp.

He saunters up to the house and looks inside.

“Y’all! We in luck!” says HoneyFitz.

“Yup!” says Erin Gloria Ryan.

“Geez! What a stash!” says HoneyFitz.

“Yup. We’re rolling it in!” says a proud woman from Flint, Michigan.

HoneyFitz breathes heavy.

Someday You’ll Be Sorry by Louis Armstrong plays.

He hangs his head…turns on his heels and walks out. Gets in his car. Stares blankly ahead.

It’s a fall day. Leaves fall from the trees.

Was that a random Irish-American person’s tiny house…somewhere in America? Maybe.

And to think…it held enough Irish tears…to make it a sort of…special depository. The capital worldwide of all Irish tears to ever be cried. Can you imagine? Those were some…brave people? Or what? They died and were shocked not to go to Hell? Or what? They cried? They cried…so…damn…much?

Whatever it was…it became The Place.

Flashing Lights by Josh Vietti plays.

“How much is going to go missing when I’m born!?” asks Lacey Banks of HoneyFitz.

“If there’s reincarnation in the Bible?” asks HoneyFitz.

“Yeah. Operating under that premise. How much?” asks Lacey.

“ Can I just say if this is real and there’s actually reincarnation in the Bible, I don’t know that marks wrong why was there no security system how did how the hell did they start withdrawing money from that place? I’m serious if this is an actual thing in the afterlife it sounds so high-tech and sci-fi, but it might not be to them because they’re dead. What the fuck How the hell did honey Fitz walk in and just take all that fucking money one night and even if there is a security system yeah like how did he have access to all of that? It’s just it does seem like Mark knows what he’s talking about I just want to put that out there.” says Elon Musk.

“Your own people betrayed you?” asks Israel, like a psychologist of Ireland.

“We had nothing to do with it!” says Louis Hill Junior on behalf of Dutch Old Money and his family.

Forever as played by Josh Vietti plays.

HoneyFitz…is not okay.

It’s taking a while to hear back from him.

“ hey honey Fitz was scaring you sweetie. How much did you how much would you have taken out of there? Can you just spit it out?” says a woman who immigrated from Ireland in the 1840’s.

“ there’s very little left.” says HoneyFitz.

“How much!?” asks Erin Gloria Ryan.

“Okay. So…there was a whole house full. And the basement was…getting packed. It wasn’t…that full. But…most cultures…are a lot poorer. In that way.

The blacks have like…a mountain full. Mountains. …But…we’re on the higher end.” says HoneyFitz. “Or we were.

So…the basement is fine. What’s there.

But everything else is empty.

So…like…a full closet?” says HoneyFitz.

“Hmm.

So…what do people groups do with this form of Earthly wealth?” asks Erin.

“Run things. Get favors. Garner admiration. Gain trust. Look cool. Stuff like that. …Sometimes help the poor.” says HoneyFitz.

“So we have some left!??” asks an Irish woman.

“Yeah! But it’s like…at…Finnish levels.” says HoneyFitz.

“Oh. Okay. The levels of Finland!?” asks Ukraine.

“Yeah.” says HoneyFitz.

“Cool!” says Ukraine. “You deserve it!”

“Can someone please shut HoneyFitz up!!!?” yells Lacey Banks at dead Boston.

“What’s he doing!?” asks a dead Irish woman.

“He’s trying to excuse his behavior!” says Lacey.

Dylan Mulroney laughs. “Yeah. He’s weird.” she says about HoneyFitz.

“Crap. So if you’re a woman. He ruined that for you.” says Hollywood.

“ having sympathy might’ve taken a lot of Irish tears if I’m a woman yeah that would’ve been an expensive expensive amount of empathy and to be honest, there might have been enough to cover that and like a closet in a little bit of a hallway if I’m a woman, and if I’m a woman, it actually might’ve been a really important moment and I think it would’ve been money well spent maybe some people might not agree, but I think it would’ve been worth it it would’ve at least been something positive instead of this bullshit.” says Dylan Mulroney.

“Oh wow.” says an Irish guy.

“Yeah. I’m not even able to say that!??” scoffs Dylan. “Because I can sense people rolling their eyes.”

“You’re using English indignation. It’s an interesting look.” says an Englishman to Dylan.

“But I’m not English.” says Dylan Mulroney.

“No. You’re not. You’re poor?!?” says a woman from the Met rolling her eyes.

“Yeah. Okay. …I’m a nice person sometimes! So shoot me!” bites Dylan at the evil haters.

“Did we lose her if she exists?” asks Ireland.

“Ah…duh! That’s the whole point of this post in a way. …They’re investigating what happened.” says a reader from Messiah College.

“So we have a closet full!?” asks Tsar on Ireland’s behalf.

“Yup!” says HoneyFitz.

“So we deserve a huge amount. Relatively speaking for white people. …But we have…a closet full?” asks an Irish man.

“Yes!” says HoneyFitz.

Dylan laughs.

“Okay. So…who has access to the stash!?!” asks Erin Gloria Ryan.

“Lots of people!” says HoneyFitz laughing in an evil manner.

“Do you still!?” asks Erin.

“Yeah. It’s still got the same access code. So to speak.” says HoneyFitz.

“Okay. So…you’ve only accessed it that time.” says Kevin Spacey.

“Yes.” says Honey Fitz.

“What…is your plan!?” asks Lem.

“It’s tempting to use it again. But I’ve restrained myself.” says HoneyFitz.

“Wow!

So…you impersonated Lem. And Lacey fell for it. And came back.

But Lem knew it was likely. And he headed you all off at the pass with Mark Schiebel. A good Jew.

So…now…she’s just Lem’s. And…that’s cool. But she always was. And…he proved that. But…what now?” asks Doris Kearns Goodwin.

HoneyFitz thinks.

“Can’t you just go get laid!?” asks a black man of HoneyFitz.

HoneyFitz cries. “I’ve ruined that!”

“Oh. Cheating?” asks the black man.

“Yup!!” says HoneyFitz.

“I can see why Lacey’s worried.” says Ireland.

“Yeah!” says Maria Berglund.

“Umm. …Matthew…how easy is it to get fooled!?” asks Eddy Nesheim.

“There might not be reincarnation.

If you’re asking the hypothetical: Not easy at all! …The British Aristocracy really made a lot of huge mistakes.” says Matthew. “And to be honest…that’s part of how this happened.”

“But they didn’t deserve this.” says Eddy Nesheim.

“NO!!! Not at all!” yells Matthew.

“So…if you’re wrong Dr. Moritz…maybe there’s further proof.” says Eddy Nesheim. “Maybe it really is getting too weird out there, so to speak.”

“So…when did it go off the deep end?” asks Jonah Wiley.

“When she was born.” says Lem. “Really when she was created as Lacey Banks if there’s reincarnation. Only if there’s reincarnation in the Bible. …Otherwise…it was when the Illuminati started talking to her. If they exist at all.

So…she could exist as Tom’s daughter. And be Lacey Banks. But…her name should be different. And…our kids should be in Heaven as our kids. Not without me, there dad. So she’s should be with me…with our kids…in Heaven. …So we exist…but as people who weren’t born completely in the 20th Century. …My life was that messed-up.

So…if I’m reincarnated…my Billings parents are down with Lacey being herself…but like…born in Heaven. And my British family is more than happy to welcome us home. They’re excruciatingly mad at the Billings if there’s reincarnation in the Bible. And they’d be hurt on Lacey’s behalf.” says Lem Billings.

Jack tries to kill Lacey using a balloon and voodoo. In his residual energy. Because he keeps expecting Lem to be gay for him. And he can’t understand how Lem wasn’t really gay. He is trying to burst her head by applying pressure to the balloon using voodoo.

“Hey Lem…your family was into acting in England?” asks Ireland.

“Yeah. Somewhat.” says his British mom, if there’s reincarnation in the Bible.

“You may have convinced him a bit too much, sweetie.” says Ireland.

Lem stares. Blinks. Thinks. “But I’m straight!” says Lem, objecting.

“Right. But…you made it look too real.” says Ireland.

“Not for my dead family wherever they were and are in Christ or Lacey!!!” yells Lem.

“Well…he was slow. Maybe not as slow as some people. But slower than you.” says Ireland.

“He wasn’t slow!” says Lem, crying at Choate. He panics.

“No. Lem…he was!” says Ireland.

Lem goes into shock. Thinks. “That’s what the other boys say. …But when I heard him laugh…he seemed normal.”

“Because he seemed to find things so fucking funny?” asks Connor Rooney.

“Yeah!” says Lem, thinking.

“So…you figured he must be smart. Because it seemed like he was aware through his sense of humor about…everything.” says Ireland.

“I didn’t mean to take advantage of him.

He took advantage of me.

But…if I had know he was slow…I’d have been more worried.” says Lem.

“Sweetie…what did you tell him!?” asks Ireland.

Lem thinks. “I didn’t tell him anything.

I did…listen to him.”

“Oh.

When he’d go on and on?” ask Ireland.

“Yes. For hours. Sometimes he wouldn’t shut-up. It got annoying. But I was too kind…to not listen.” says Lem.

S.T.A.Y. by Hans Zimmer plays.

“Son.

Why…were you listening!?” asks a British Aristocratic father.

“Because I felt sorry for him. He was kinda scrawny-like. …You know? …And he’s all stuffy. But…it seemed fake. Like The Great Gatsby. But…I knew he was rich.

He fascinated me.

But I wasn’t in love with him.

I hated him. And yet I loved him at the same time. Just as a human. …He’d not shut-up.” says Lem.

“Why isn’t she choking on her dinner!?!” shrieks Kick about Lacey.

“It’s just dinner!” says Lem.

“Yeah. You’re gay!” says Kick.

“So…Lem…why isn’t Lacey letting us kill her and molest her kids in the name of Ireland!??” asks evil-Ireland.

“Umm…why do you think you have a right to do that to Scotland!?” asks Lem.

“Shit!” says Ireland.

“Yeah. It’s weird how you all never deal with the reality of anything.” says Louis Hill Junior.

“Yeah. We could be Hills. That’s IRISH!” screams Lacey’s daughter.

“No. But like…that’s not a thing!!” shrieks all of evil Ireland everywhere.

“Why!?” asks Louis.

“Eww. You’re gross!” says an Irish woman to Louis.

“I don’t think he is.” says Lacey.

“We don’t like her!!” yells all of evil-Ireland.

“And you think you get to decide what I do…in my bedroom!?” asks Louis Hill Junior.

All of evil Ireland hisses and screams.

“I’m so pissed off that there’s got to be an honorary Ukrainian man who could be her husband and those could be his kids just for the sake of argument OK!? Now what!?” yells Zelensky.

“True!!” yells the Ukrainian man, heroically.

Zelensky laughs and smiles and cries proudly. He rises and raises a fist into the air.

Our Reflection by Max Richter plays

Tsar Putin applauds him, sincerely.

The song plays.

It’s a beautiful and awe-inspiring moment. Lacey is proud too, in Christ.Z

Zelensky is raised on the shoulders of some of his Ukrainian warriors…in the afterlife…and they rejoice. They’re BRAVE. They are MEN.

And…it is…GLORIOUS.

Harold Loeb walks in.

Later.

“Why…are the Irish not apologizing to Africa and Lacey and Lem!?” asks Russia. “And each other!?”

“Because we still think he was gay.” says Kick Kennedy.

“Hold on! You think Zelenskyy is better looking than Jack!?” scream all adult Kennedys in absolute horror.

“Yes. He is.” says all of the world.