Say It Right by Nelly Furtado plays.
“That was a moment.
I looked out at the city. And I thought, ‘I’m…the most daring man alive!’
From behind at a distance my daughter looks like Lacey’s cousin! Who won Miss North Dakota.
See! Blond Scandinavian beauty.
Wow!!!
And…it’s sex!!
*Sweet Dreams by Klaas plays*
It’s SEX!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
*He drinks Red Bull and a shot glass of gin and does The Running Man. Strobe lights dance with him.*
“Hey! What’s your…body count?” asks a man trying to be kind.
*He pauses from dancing and stares at them.*
“Hey! What’s your body count?” asks a man.
*He hyperventilates. Has to be calmed down.*
“Too much Red Bull and gin!?” yells another man.
*He bends over, puts his hands on his knees and nods, breathless.*
Ooh Ahh (My Life Be Like) by Grits plays.
*He holds up the number 1*
“So! Can you calm down?” yells a man.
*He sits down.*
“Hey! So…you slept with the mother of your kids…and your kids!?” asks a man.
“YES!” he yells.
“I…doubt it.” says a man.
“No. I did!” he says, posturing.
“Wow!!” says the man.
“You’re IMPRESSED!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“No.” says one man.
“I’m INCREDIBLY IMPRESSIVE!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Hm. You seem…sexually…slow.” says a man.
“How!?” The Pseudo Intellectual Father says.
“Well…do you never leave your house for sex?” asks a man. “Or you’re like a snail and you bring your house with you everywhere?”
“I like my own house!” he says. He shrugs.
“Yeah. But…why not?” asks a man.
“I get scared and pee my pants.” he says. He shrugs.
TO THE MOON by JNR CHOI plays.
“Okay. But…that’s not normal.” says a doctor.
“This isn’t funny.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father says, with humph.
“Do you have the smell of urine in your car?” asks a doctor.
“No! I am careful to masturbate before I leave the house. So I don’t pee my pants.” he says as if it should be obvious.
“Oh. I see!” says Simen Jóhannsson.
“So! You…have sex with your daughter or you…like to claim to?” asks Lem.
“I claim to.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“You told her to pose like that?” asks Lem.
“Yeah. It’s a sexy pose.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“But it’s not for you.” says Lem.
“Are you pimping her out or bragging?” asks the King of Norway.
“I’m bragging.” says the Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“How often do you have sex with her?” asks a man.
“Not…much.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Once?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah. I got drunk and she excused it.” he says.
“Was she conscious?” asks Woody Allen.
Freak by Sub Urban plays.
“Barely.” he says.
“Was she drunk too?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah. I drink with my kids and…once or twice I have molested them.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
Heat Waves by Glass Animals & iann dior plays.
“Huh. So you fuck how often?” asks the King of Norway.
“Once every few- Ahh…every- Ahh…every…few- Well…every…decade-ish?” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“That’s because you never leave home.” says the King Norway.
“That’s one explanation.” he says.
Elastic Heart by Sia plays.
“Do you have an elastic heart?” asks the King of Norway.
“I’m better than that!!” The Pseudo Intellectual Father says.
“You seem depressing. I’m worried you’re genuinely insane.” says the King of Norway.
“I’m happy!! …I have a wife-daughter. And books. And alcohol.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Do you ever marry her?” asks Lem.
“No!! You don’t marry women!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Ahh! Why not!?” asks Lem.
“Did I quote you!?!” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Listen…why aren’t you marrying your daughter!!? Are you a playboy?” asks Lem.
Drop It Like It’s Hot by Snoop Dogg plays.
“I’m…not in that place right now.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“You’re still playing the field?” asks Lem.
“Yah! It’s a long life and I’m just…not ready.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Huh. So you don’t think your daughter is marriage material?” asks Lem.
“No! She’s a slut.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father. “She’s a player. And I’m not getting hurt again.”
“When were you hurt the first time?” asks Lem.
“By…a co-worker. She flirted with me. For two years. We had a thing. …And then…she brought over a bottle of wine and- We had sex. But…then she moved.
So…I had to learn the hard way.
You…can’t…have sex. Ever. With anyone but…only…the most safest.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“What about a prostitute?” asks the King of Norway.
“That’s risky!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“How!?” asks the King of Norway.
“They can hurt your heart.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Oh! You fall in love?” asks Lem.
“Yes. …I once had sex with a pencil.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Oh. Huh. Why?” asks Lem.
“It was so…hard…and…yellow. Jaune. Crayon jaune. …Wow!!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“How do you have sex with your own children…or children in general…and…pencils!?” asks the King of Norway.
“You have to…use your intelligence.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Huh. How!?” asks the King of Norway.
“You USE YOUR MIND!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Huh. Explain.” says Lem.
Got Your Money by Ol’ Dirty Bastard plays.
“I tucked Scott in my mind…twirled it around…and made him orgasm. And then he was MINE! See…I use…MY MIND!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Are you sure that was Scott?” asks Hemingway.
“Who else would it be!?” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Where are they!?” asks Lem.
“Well…the pencil and the daughter…were physically there.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Where was Scott?” asks Hemingway.
“In my heart like Jesus??” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Mmm. No. You imagine that these things and people are attracted to you.” says Hemingway.
Silence.
“You think I’m imaging it all.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“You are. But…it’s complex. You’ll…never likely believe me. But…I’m sorry…you’re a problem.” says Hemingway.
“Then what is love?” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“It’s mutual.” says Hemingway.
“No. It can be a rainbow!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“That’s INSANE. What the fuck does a rainbow have to do with SEX!?” asks Hemingway.
“It’s us being cool! Like ALL the colors!!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“That’s silly. …Are gay people…T-Rex too?” asks Hemingway.
“Fine! I’m imagining it. Okay!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Yeah. You are! …So so much for that!” says Lem.
“Well! We’ll see.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“No. I think you should call it quits. You’re not going to be able to have sex with children, your kids, or inanimate objects. Etc.. It’s not a reality.” says Lem.
“It’s not real sex. You’re just evil and insane…if you’re a pervert.” says Hemingway.
“Well…I’ll just…give up…being on a human scale. My daughter has nail polish. I’ll go sniff it. Why not?” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“That’s not a good idea.” says Hemingway.
“What else can I do!? I’m…lost in a maze…of your doing.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“Nope. You are either being misinterpreted…or you are…a very sad man.” says Lem.
“Who is my daughter?” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.
“She’s just your daughter. …Don’t keep molesting her.” says Simen Johnson.
“Welp. …It’s too bad you’re so evil.” says Lacey.
“What if I’m not!?” he asks.
“Golly it looks like you are. Really. It’s offensive. …You shouldn’t do that.” says Lacey
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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