The Cordelia McPherson Show In Paris

It’s almost 12 AM in Paris. Chris Hayes is resting easy in his bedroom.

“I have just discovered that your grandmother was a maid!” says Chris Hayes to Lacey Banks.

Later for effect. (Three children in the other room are shot. They were going to be abused. But Bill Gates is also listening so he decided to have them killed and sent to Heaven. Chris is unaware and unimpressed.)

“Lacey your grandmother was a maid!” repeats Chris Hayes.

“When!?” asks Lacey.

“Umm…for three years in…” says Chris Hayes.

“The 1940’s.” says Lacey. “But actually it was possibly only one year.”

“That’s not-“ says Chris.

Lacey waits.

“Why was she a maid?” asks Chris.

“Well…let me think. …It’s complicated.” says Lacey.

“No!! She was a maid!!” says Chris.

“For one year. …In her 20’s.” says Lacey.

“DAMMIT!” yells MSNBC.

“Okay!? Why…the fuck…was she a maid!??” asks Chris.

“Do you really want to have that discussion you’re gonna be bored as heck.” says Lacey.

“You should you should have that conversation! You know you deserve to have that conversation. You’ve put the world through a lot of shit for the last eight years and people have obviously enabled you. But…I think you deserve to have that conversation.” says a reader.

Chris Hayes thinks.

“Umm…okay. Fine.” says Chris.

“OK fuck! I’m gonna explain this to you and that’s it.

Hey, my family is obnoxious and by my family, I mean the family that raised me.

I-I don’t mean that to be disrespectful to them, but they really are annoying.

When Bethany won Miss North Dakota, she abdicated the crown. Of course, the cover story was that there was a legality with a housing issue but if I remember correctly, that was a lie. It was technically true, but it was used to cover for the real reason.

She told people, or it was told to me by my mother, who is her first-cousin-once-removed that she was being nice. The idea was that she felt a “check in her spirit” and she didn’t think that she should really keep the crown because she felt as though God was telling her to let it go.

Oh, so that was the story that was told to me shortly after that when she came to visit my mother and I. And she told us the story and it involved some man who she was in love with and it was very complex and umm…yeah that’s the thing: She won Miss North Dakota. She tried twice to win! …She was-She was in the competition twice. She put effort into it with make-up and clothes…and she won.

Oh, and she offended my cousin Linn by the way, it’s not, it’s not the same person as Lem Billings. She offended Linn because Linn is also sort of a glamour-puss in the family. She too was in the Miss North Dakota competition in the early 1990s. And Maria, Linn’s mom and my mother’s older sister, harped to my mother about how annoying Bethany was for copying Linn.

I think it’s possible that Bethany was copying Linn, but knowing the situation, I also think it’s possible that Bethany herself was just genuinely interested in beauty competitions. they’re both blondes and platinum blondes at that with blue eyes and good skin and they’re skinny and they’re pretty and there could be a rivalry slightly between the two of them but at the end of the day it’s not quite like that because they’re both in the Nesheim family.

But Maria was a bitch about it behind Bethany’s back. Because Maria insists that we’re poor white people. And she’s not insecure about it. She talks about it like it’s some sort of badge of honor like it’s something that is wholesome and edifying and American.

In the 1990s Maria said, ‘All these black kids keep getting all these handouts and that’s great. I am all for that. But when is it that poor white kids are going to get handouts too?’ I think she might’ve been referring to some sort of affirmative action thing, or some sort of poverty program that she had in her head that existed solely for Black people. At the very least, she was incredibly insistent about it, because she truly felt that there was something incredibly evil about the fact that Black people were ‘getting the money.’

Both of her kids, but Lisa Linn I think Krystal had to finish college and paid for it with some loans but also by working at Merz well Linn worked at a clothing store and I don’t know what Krystal but they worked and took out loans and I think they probably paid for almost an entire all of it And then they also got some money or borrowed some money from other people in the family so they got money from family members. They took out loans and then they worked at clothing, stores and stuff like that and Maria thought that was just despicable because because she thought that Linn should get free money and that Linn shouldn’t have to take out loans. I think she thought Black people are getting tons of money and not taking out any loans and not having to work at clothing stores because Maria really doesn’t believe in debt and I think she thought that was despicable that all these Black people were out of debt and getting free money what poor white kids had to work at clothing stores and couldn’t have much of a social life because they were working so hard.

Chris that’s absurd.

But that’s the Nesheim family they act like the Miss North Dakota competition is there a little bitch. I mean it really is the sub, textual attitude, and the family is that it’s beneath us to be in a beauty competition, but that we’ve just tried our hand at it and I don’t think any of us are particularly surprise that we almost won twice. I mean I will. I was a little surprised, but it was actually sort of disturbing to me to be honest because Bethany and Linn are both beautiful but I don’t entirely see why they both won that seems like kind of a rigged game. It seems like there’s something a little odd about that. I don’t think that that should really be happening because there’s a lot of young women in that competition and they’re good looking and Bethany is good looking but there’s something fishy about it and I don’t I don’t know what it is it could just be that the people in my family are unusually well bred and beautiful, but I’m also worried that the judges have some strategy that gives certain people an edge

But that’s not something that people in my family analyze they just take it for granted that they can enter and when and there’s just no big deal to the point where Bethany abdicated because she just didn’t think it was quite right and she got a “check in her spirit.”

And there’s nothing normal about having people to just borrow money from all the time to go on trips to Egypt like my mother did or to go to college and my mother also borrowed money for college. I mean these evil don’t really have that Bethany went to Australia. I have other family Who have traveled around a lot of people travel a lot in the Nesheim family and they always have and that’s not normal for a poor family Chris.

When my grandmother was a maid, they owned a 2500 square-foot house that was built brand new, and thousands of acres of land with no debt. There were eight kids in the family, and they wanted to provide for all of them. Tonette was in the city. I don’t know why. I don’t know what she was doing. I don’t know what she was doing. I have no idea, but she was ‘in the city’. I don’t know if she was trying to go to school. She did finish her degree in the 60s and then teach for 25 years after that as an English teacher but I don’t know if it was related to that or not she might’ve been doing some sort of educational work meeting that she was working on getting her like some sort of degree to teach like a teaching certificate or something. So she might’ve been living in Minot getting her teaching certificate at Minot state. In her early 20s in the 1940s.

She could’ve worked at a clothing store. She could’ve worked as a secretary. She probably could’ve done a lot of other things that are far more acceptable for the upper class and impressive. But for some dumb reason she decided to be a maid. Part of me thinks she just liked feeling sorry for herself.

Because when I heard the story, it was in the context of talking about the terrible things that she had to live, live through how she had to clean these peoples house, and it was just despicable, because they taken advantage of her and made her work too hard. I mean did she say things like they made me clean their shit and then my mother and my aunt would just lose lose it like it was disgusting that they made my grandmother clean poop and the floor. And then there was some argument that was made about how these people had somehow made things worse intentionally in their house, or made her work harder for free, because she was such an honest loving person, so they are taking advantage of her because at times she’d work and they wouldn’t pay her and she say that’s OK. You can pay me later, and then they would never pay her and the idea was that we were destitute in a Mexican immigrants, barely surviving starving to death.

But the problem is Chris that’s just not the case. You’ve got to keep track of things, darling.

Sweetie, middle-class families don’t have inexhaustible amounts of money to just give their kids. And they weren’t middle class but you have her as a poor little bitch and that’s obviously not the case she was in her early 20s working as a maid for a year while she was getting a higher education and that’s middle class not poor. No, you’ve lost the argument at least a quarter.

And don’t try to get into an argument with me about teaching certificates and higher education you’ll lose I’m almost positive and it’s exhausting. Exhausting intellectual experience I’m really not interested in having right now. I’m sorry.

The point is her father owned thousands of acres of land with no debt. They had it relatively new house well actually it wasn’t new anymore but what were the fuck would you expect for them to build a fucking new house every five years like a car that’s dumb as fuck.

They built a brand new house in 1929. That was nice. It’s a nice house. No debt they just built the house because they wanted a nice house and they’d saved for it. nelsons family was upper middle class in Norway good hills family was old bunny when they came to America. They didn’t have a lot because they were pioneers. Try to keep that in perspective.

They had some money, but they also didn’t have enough to be rich right away. If you want to have an argument with me about pioneers, we can do that not right now.

Tonette’s father was considered rich by his neighbors. so when she was working as a maid for her, while she was living in my dog to get her teaching certificate, I don’t know if she was taken advantage of and someone said you should work has made Tami leave her or if she didn’t know any better, but she could’ve been a secretary. She could’ve done a lot of different things, but she chose to be a maid and she got bullied. Or she got taken advantage of it’s very complicated, but if she didn’t have enough money to survive, I’m almost positive she probably could’ve just gone home and married someone but she didn’t wanna do that. She wanted to be a teacher or I don’t know have a little adventure or some thing so she decided to go to Minot and try to you know become a teacher.

I think it has been suggested her suggested to her to be a maid or one of her older sisters had been the maid for a couple know, and the thing is I highly doubt those people were actually even as wealthy as they were but for some reason they were, they wanted a maid, and they hired to nut and that was when she started learning not to trust people sheet that was actually very scarring for her, and it really demoralized her and made her think a hell of a lot less of people. And honestly, where are those people now where were they? Then there are tons of mansions in Minot why the fuck were they hiring college students or whatever the hell she was to be their maid?

Anyway, I don’t you got to keep it in context yes, she was a maid. Yes, she felt very degraded but then you have to keep searching back in her family to find you know the route and it’s not there they had money she didn’t need to be a maid those kids never start they were always closed. They were educated and many of them and it ended up being multi millionaires in the 1940s and 50s Truly they were wealthy in the 50s my my great uncle Harold was probably worth about 12 million in today’s money net in his 40s or 30s and that wasn’t unusual in the family. He was a success. He was a success story but that wasn’t considered astounding because Todd he was making, well I mean he was a millionaire in the 60s and Ed was a Doctor Who went to Creighton University and he was a millionaire as well. When he was so eccentric, he started the University of observation the 1970s.

Those are Jeanettes siblings sweetie. That’s her family. I don’t know if you’ve ever realize that and I wrote this stuff like eight years ago on my block thinking you guys would get a fucking clue but you’re such a literary, ignoramuses real logical nitwits or what the fuck I don’t know. Excuse me if I’m being mean or inappropriate or evil, that you never have seem to understand the logical infallibility of certain things, potentially, and a logical idiocy of your insistence.

My interpretation of the family is that they’re obnoxious. I love them as people but they’re a little bit annoying.

They don’t get it you can’t be a maid when your father is worth $4 million net and you’re 22 and you’re a hot Norwegian woman. You cannot be a maid to an unhappy pretentious bourgeois couple in Minot North Dakota. if it doesn’t work, but they never seem to understand that you can’t run from his North Dakota and when twice basically I mean, Linn got third runner-up, but the winner I think the winner was a secretary for the governor of North Dakota if you know what I mean. The second either the first and second runner up or no OK so that she got basically she got third place if I’m not mistaken the second place went to some other woman who had been in the competition like seven times and this was Linn‘s first try so just since Linn won because Linn said attractive so Linn went once and she got third place and she called it a day and then she really was a local news broadcaster she was on the news she was featured pretty regularly. And that’s not typical either sweetie she was scouted out the door. She was scouted at the North Dakota state fair by people who told her she should be a model and then she did the Mets North Dakota competition and then she did head shots and then she was a broadcaster at KMOT Minot for maybe four or five years after getting her communications degree from Minot state. That’s in context that’s pretty upper class potentially pretty old money.

Because that was the early 1990s and so there was some status for the family and for herself and having Linn on TV I remember sitting in the living room and my grandmother would turn on the TV and we watch Linn on the local news and they record her. We were very proud of Linn being on the local news.

And then Bethany decided to run for Miss North Dakota, and become a model as well, and Joni decided to become a model, and be on a television show that was popular in Norway. And now Joni has a public net worth. Bethany is still the platinum blonde and Linn is not happy because as much as her husband probably makes 180,000 a year and she works for the cancer research society is the beauty queen at the front desk who does stuff and makes people very happy kind of like your wife it’s a nobolise oblige roll. I mean what does she even make she probably volunteers half the time and move people still remember her from her days at KMOT. So she makes I don’t know 30,015 20,000 a year and then her husband makes 180 and so what they’re making well yeah about 200,000 a year and they’ve been doing that well for oh yeah about 20 years they’re probably millionaires potentially and she’s probably inherited not that much. My inheritance comes from my fathers family that has the oil her Nesheim family has probably given her almost nothing. My mother has given me very little of the oil money because it’s divided between lots of people it’s complicated OK I’m sorry.

But no they’re upper class their upper class because they’re living in North Dakota and they’re in Bismarck North Dakota making 200,000 a year they have a cabin or a Lakehouse and of 800 to million dollar house in my in Bismarck. It’s probably a maybe maybe about 1 million it was 600,000 about five or six years ago and it’s probably close to about 1 million at this point maybe it’s about 800,000 I think some people think that everyone’s houses are going up that’s bullshit a lot of peoples houses have gone up in value in the last six years. I keep track of those things.

I so Linn’s house is probably about $800,000-$1 million and they own it out right most likely and her husband is Mr. handsome and she is the beauty queen at the front desk at the cancer research Society who did some time at chemo tea just sort of learning how to be in front of a camera.

And why do I find all that annoying because it’s so fucking rich it’s so privileged and yet they have no understanding of that and so they can pretend to be poor and make everyone who’s poor think there’s the nicest most wholesome, decent sweet little people and they believe it themselves because it’s a farm that they owned and it’s oil Not Apple or IBM or Facebook. They on oil but a wholesome down to earth commodity to have trillions of dollars in Gee whiz.

So they’ve got oil isn’t that precious and G it’s just darn nice. They don’t have the self-awareness or decency to realize that they need to probably be a little more aware of their wealth not that they should be arrogant or hottie about it or lose who they are but they maybe need to be a little more honest because it’s confusing to people And it is sort of mean in a way because he will talk to them and they think they’re talking to an equal, but then behind those peoples backs, the Nesheims make fun of them and their own very sweet way and it’s just it’s mean.” says Lacey.

More later.

“Can I just say I am both offended by the Nesheim‘s and laughing at you with them?” says Dr. Moritz.

“Torsten, why!?” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

“Who are you!?” asks Dr. Moritz.

“I am an intellectual in Norway.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

“Did you contact this person?“ asks Dr. Moritz.

“Ahh…no I followed her and I have many followers and am following thousands of people but I have at times singled her out in very suggestive ways.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

“Why would you- Why!?” asks Dr. Moritz.

“I’m scared.

And I-I’m not sure that I really want something to happen, and yet I like the thought of sort of arousing her curiosity.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

“Arousing her curiosity? You mean to tell me that- Hey that’s cruel. You have no interest in her. And you have no intention of contacting her.” says Dr. Moritz.

(Adult content below)

“I want her to masturbate to thoughts of me! I get off on that in my ego and it makes me feel superior to her. I do think I’m far superior to her, obviously:

She unfollowed me because of it and then I liked one of her posts where she was being very vulnerable and so she re-followed me and I have liked posts of perfume since, then Thorsten.

What makes us superior to her? What objectively makes us so fucking superior? What could it possibly be?” he yells.

“I’m from a- I’m- So my dad-

I went to Cambridge.” says Dr. Moritz. “Can you read this bullshit!? It’s so messy! I hired my ex-wife while she still legally my wife, a personal assistant, and we adopted two children who had psychological problems, and so I had to hire her a personal assistant, so that she wouldn’t be so busy.”

“Why are you telling me all this personal information?” asks The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

Later.

Dr. Moritz shakes his penis.

“I tell you, friend…this! This is WHY!” says Dr. Moritz.

“This! I would love to see her shake her genitalia and look as sexy as those people!! She would die!! Die of embarrassment!” says Dr. Moritz.

“Umm…that’s not what it would look like.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

“I know these things I am German!” says Dr. Moritz.

“To be honest with you I have a feeling you look ridiculous. I do too, but I have the sense to know that which is why I’m still in contact with her and you’re not.” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

“I follow her on TikTok. I follow 30 people on TikTok and she’s one of them. I have thousands of followers.” says Dr. Moritz.

When You’re Smiling by Louis Armstrong plays. Tucker Carlson smiles and lights a cigar. Sits down. Stares straight ahead and…cries over America.

Don’t look at the screen. Listen to the music. I don’t what you miss it.