A Silly Fest

“Those scarves are worth $1,400.” says Lem.

“And I demand that we don’t discuss anything until we discuss reincarnation.” says Lem.

“That’s what I thought they’d be worth that’s exactly the price I thought they were.” says Dr. Moritz.

“How much did you think they were worth Casi?” asks the Spencer Family.

“I mean in my mind those are like $300,000 scarves.” says Casi.

“Casi they’re worth $1,400.” says Dr. Moritz.

“I am insane!!” says Casi, sincerely for the first time ever.

“Yeah my family is old money Casi and we have oil and we’re really impressive but we’re not probably what you were expecting to see on Instagram.” says Matthew Nesheim to Casi.

“Let’s talk about reincarnation!” says Lem.

“How much money really is in the Nesheim land?” asks Chris Hayes.

“$6 trillion.” says Michael Rockefeller, in irritation.

“So they sat on $6 trillion of oil and didn’t give a fuck because they were so well-off and old money from Norway?” asks Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Yeah, yeah! That’s extreme in our region yes!” says The Pseudo Intellectual Father.

“Let’s talk about reincarnation!” says Lem.

“Lacey, what happened between you and the queen that would make it awkward?” asks the CIA.

“What the fuck is wrong with you people!?” asks the Pseudo Intellectual Father of the They.

“I agree I don’t think anything happened but I think you guys need to really lay off.” says Jim Craft.

Larghetto – Piano, Celesta, Strings – “Kendall’s Return” by Nicholas Britell plays.

Intermezzo in C Minor “Money Wins” by Nicholas Britell plays.

Timothy is my cousin. He’s Matthew’s brother. And Bethany’s brother.

“We’re a real family of Norwegian-American artistocrats.” says Timothy Nesheim.

“Our family owns the majority of the Bakken in connection with the Estvolds, Crafts and several other connected families to ours.” says Timothy Nesheim.

“This is literally what she been trying to explain do you people for eight fucking years!??!?” yells an American at the Illuminati.

Sophie, Duchess of Edinburgh nods. “ they probably own 50 to 60% of the bargain alone. There are other people that have it and they’re very very stupid about trying to demand that Lacey recognize that because they don’t know that much other people it’s actually it’s probably closer to 80% is owned by Lacey‘s family the nest times so the next time zone trillions in oil it’s probably trillions at this point it’s billions according to the Internet but in reality it’s probably more like trillions. I know it’s own privately by Lacey‘s family. She actually is part of that family legally in the mineral right so her mothers family has milk mineral rights and her father‘s family has mineral rights.” says Sophie, Duchess of Edinburgh.

“Well yeah, but they can’t fucking drill it all out of the ground right now and get the money. No! They’re weak! So I say if they can’t drill it out of the ground right now and get the money it’s peasant bullshit! KISS MY ASS!

So…I don’t give a fuck!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Bobby, if they drilled it all out of the ground, it would upset the oil of the entire world.” says Iran.

“I don’t care! I only respect people who own $5 billion net in a bank. Oh my God!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, sincerely.

“Who actually has $5 billion Bobby in a bank!?” asks the CIA. “Lacey does it scare you that Timothy I was that heavily involved?”

“I remember my mother saying, ‘They published Timothy‘s paper. They published Timothy‘s paper!’ But they treated it in my family like it was like a high school science essay. …I didn’t realize that it was something potentially troubling.” says Lacey Banks Billings.

“Oh it wasn’t.

It wasn’t anything illegal or nefarious but you’re right Lacey we’re a little more imbedded in certain political situations than you might think and ah…you’ve been totally kept out of the loop because people didn’t-they didn’t respect the Seays in the family. …They respected them, but not as much as the Seays thought they were respected, unfortunately. And that became a problem when it came to you because you didn’t seem like them.

And a lot of us could never figure that out and we weren’t very nice to you and frankly we snubbed you which is psychotic, considering that you’re in our family. You probably should’ve been kept in the loop a little more about what was going on.

Yeah, our family is worth trillions of dollars but like…what we have drilled out of the ground Bobby? About $100 million. Our family is worth about $100 million that we could access. About $100 million just in the Nesheim Family if you collected everyone’s resources including Lacey’s.

We could probably access the oil if we had to somehow, but that’s the thing. So…that’s our oil but that’s where we’re all cash poor. We-we’re not very liquid…which is kind of a funny joke…but no we’re not liquid Bobby. We’re not we’re just we’re not liquid OK? I’m sorry! So…we have trillions but it’s in the ground. It’s like we are trillionaire‘s, but we’re cash poor to the tune of about $100 million. We have about $100 million in the family but we’re cash poor. So it’s just $100 million ‘in a bank’ with trillions in assets. …Does that make sense Bobby?” asks Timothy Nesheim.

“Lacey got confused and had a crush on me when she was 11 which makes sense. I just don’t like it to make sense. Fuck!” says Bobby.

“She didn’t have that much of a crush on you. She really did not have that much of a crush on you.“ says Ethel from the afterlife, rolling her eyes. “You don’t know Bobby! No…she found you very slightly attractive…and Lem is her twin flame so if you two had been friends and she showed-up at his apartment with you, not because you were sleeping together but because she just had a crush on you and she is extraordinarily beautiful and you could kind of be friends? …She would’ve ended-up sleeping with Lem. …So Bobby Lem wins. Lem just wins Bobby, I’m sorry.”

“And the only way out is for me to claim that I was molested!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Exactly, which is why you keep claiming that even though you don’t really think that happened necessarily at all.” says Ethel Skakel Kennedy.

“That’s true but then it’s weird that she had a crush on me.” says Bobby.

“She had a slight crush on you! And if you two had met in person…you would’ve probably never even made-out. …This is the 1970s were talking about Bobby. You two might not have even made-out. …You might’ve just hung-out and decided to go to Lem’s’s house.” says Ethel.

“Yeah OK fine we might’ve just been friends with some weird sexual tension between us and then nothing would’ve happened.

I hate being a better person than people in my family.

I hate that. I hate the fact that I might be a better person than my father or my uncle, or even my grandfather because I actually can see that. I can see just being friends with her and not doing anything and just thinking we were being good people or something.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Yeah, I would’ve been trying to figure you out psychologically and fix you so that you wouldn’t be so weird and sad or something.” says Lacey Banks Billings.

“Yeah, but then we wouldn’t of slept together? No, we would’ve just agreed that we found each other attractive and discussed it and then left it at that?” asks Bobby of Lacey.

“Yeah, I am very difficult to get in bed. Believe it or not and I would have been far more interested in fixing you than in sleeping with you.” says Lacey.

“I would’ve-I would’ve tried to sleep with you though!” says Bobby.

“You know a lot of people did try to sleep with me though. A lot of people did really, you’d be surprised. A lot of people tried sleeping with me. And it’s-it’s very difficult to get me in bed.

I was molested, but it’s very difficult to consensually get me in bed unless if I’m in love with you, or married to you and umm…I wouldn’t have been in love with you. I would’ve just had a crush on you so I would’ve thought, ‘Lacey, you’ve got a try to fix these people! Lacey you gotta try to fix the Kennedys!!’ …And I would’ve been young and I would’ve thought that made sense, but not so young that I couldn’t fall in love with Lem but young enough, so that that made sense to me.

No, I would’ve probably spent hours counseling you, dissecting you psychologically, trying to figure out what was wrong with you and I have a feeling you would’ve confided in me. And I would’ve taken my job very seriously.” says Lacey Banks Billings.

“But then you would’ve ran off with Lem and married him!” says Bobby.

“Yes, I probably would have! But that’s just-that would’ve just been my immaturity and inexperience in not realizing that, you know, that you needed my help…or I don’t know what I think.

I would’ve thought it makes sense! It’s fine! I was just a friend and now I’m married to-to Lem so we’ll see if it works out to still be friends with Bobby…

And the thing is though it’s not sexual. No, my fascination with you is more of some sort of fear. I don’t know what the fear is-“ she pauses. “I think the fear is that you’re- Sorry, it’s rather blasé but it’s just that you’re going to be hurt.“

“ Lacey you’re treating him like an infant!” says the CIA.

“To me he feels like like my infant.

I had a crush on him but I was 11!

Bobby I’m not pedophilic!

No, you people are so annoying how you never seem to understand the psychological complexity of certain things…and it’s so obnoxious to try to explain this to you guys. You’re so repulsive! …You’re keep interrupting me, and you keep altering my blog as I’m writing it! And hopefully not afterwards. And it’s just obnoxious!” says Lacey.

“No, I get it. It’s like you didn’t know that he was he going to end-up feeling like an infant to you. So you had a crush on him and he thought no he’s he’s cute enough I mean he’s not as cute as his uncle Jack or his uncle Joe-“ says Dr. Dre.

“No as cute as his Uncle Joe!” says Lacey.

“Yeah, OK.

But then the idea is that it’s like you thought, ‘Oh, he’s a replacement for them!’ because you were his age which is not pedophilic you’re just his age and then the more you interact with Bobby you think, ‘I really need to fix this kid!’ And then over time it evolves into a totally asexual, maternal relationship on your part.” says Dr. Dre.

“Yes, Dr. Dre that is accurate!” says Lacey.

“Bobby, do you realize that you were a separate person from Lacey or not?” asks the CIA. “Or are.”

“I don’t think he does!” says Cheryl Hines.

“The problem is though sweetie I might not really be your mother, which is actually very hard for me too, believe or not.” says Lacey Banks Billings to Bobby.

“Did you realize Lacey that he was going to be a child when you first started talking to him or not?” asks Dr. Dre.

Lacey thinks. “If I did it was…ignored by me. But I’m not sure I consciously did.” says Lacey.

“So you didn’t realize that that was weird?” asks the CIA.

“Hmm…noo…it was…irrelevant. I thought I was just…too nice.” says Lacey.

“SHE WAS 11!!!” screams Lem.

“FUCK!!” says Dr. Dre. “OK I get it you weren’t developmentally capable of processing it cause you were only 11 right?”

“YES!” yells the Spencer family.

“You guys are pathetic. She’s totally innocent but you’re desperate to find something to feel superior about and so we’re gonna stop talking to you and talk to you later alright! Bye assholes!” says Lady Diana Spencer.

“I won’t take it personally.” says Dr. Dre.

Later.

“I don’t understand how you guys get all this information given to you repeatedly and don’t understand!?

You know she’s not schizophrenic, the medical community agrees to that! And you’re obviously a secret society that is no longer secret. Why did you choose to engage with her and tell her who you were?” asks a psychologist.

“Why does she go along with us trying to kill her!?” yells Chris Hayes.

“SHE DOESN’T!” yells Lem.