Abbie & Jesus = Abesus

“Abesus sounds like a demon.” says a demon. “Or a so-called god like Baal.”

Concerto Grosso by Locatelli plays.

“Hey! Abbie! …Where’s Jesus tonight?” asks Joe Kennedy Junior.

“Oh. I don’t know. He’s gone. He said he had to be with someone else.” says Abbie. “He’s omnipresent but I prefer honesty.”

“Huh. His calendar is full? For how long?” asks Joe.

“For trillions of years.” says Abbie.

“Huh. So you’re still good?” asks Joe.

Watermark by John Tesh plays.

“Yeah! He’s the lover of my soul.” says Abbie.

“And you’ll wait for trillions of years to see him one more time before waiting trillions of years?” asks Joe.

“Duh! Loser!” says Abbie.

“Hey! We’re sending over a man. He’s got issues. But he’s fine now. …And he’s free fur a while.” says Al Capone’s mistress.

“Huh. Okay. Must be a Jesus thing.” says Abbie.

Piano Sonata by Mozart plays.

Four hours later Abbie lays in bed.

“Did you just have a nice night?” asks Al Capone.

“Yeah.” says Abbie.

“He’s there for a while.” says Al. “Enjoy.”

4 million years later Abbie has to be reminded that she ever loved Jesus like that. But she’s still not in Heaven.

“I would never have made that mistake. Right??” she says.

“Why aren’t you in Heaven yet?” asks Saint Peter.

“Oh! Right. I did make that mistake.” says Abbie.

“That’s why it’s taking you all a while. You’ll get there.” says Saint Peter.

Abbie weeps. She’s progressing.

“Maybe trying to fuck Jesus in music everyone listens to and is supposed to be spiritually led by is extremely serious!” says Lacey.

“Lacey is turning the Illuminati into an army.” says Greg Boyd. “For Jesus. Did not see that!”

The Rockefellers smile. “It’s a family tradition possibly.”

“Ouch. Did JD Rockefeller really kill a heretical false prophet?” says Greg Boyd.

“Well…what if he did?” asks JD Rockefeller.

“Yeah, that makes sense!” says a Tik Tok fan. “They’re evil but…maybe not the apex of all evil? So…so predictable.”