“Just To Be Clear” by Lem Billings

I was heterosexual. I acted gay. But it was purely an act. …I put my whole life into it almost. And my family still grieves and I…despise my life. I died a broken, hurting, sad…desperate man. Drug addicted. Suicidal.

…Some might find that romantic. I do not.

Love isn’t supposed to be that way.

If there’s reincarnation in the Bible I would add that Lacey died over me…and it’s a bad thing.

To cut straight to the chase: I don’t give a damn what orientation I was. Fuck it all! DSM it all. …If I’m Lem Billings…I’m now straight for eternity and with Lacey. Forget Jack Kennedy. He’s nowhere near my Lacey. And I’d have chosen her if she was alive then too. She just wasn’t. And I’ll convince her of that.

Why? Because she’s just that great! And I adore her just that much. Her love for me is…exactly what I was looking for. And she’s extremely beautiful. I’d have married her…just to be with her. Out of pure sadness to not be with her. Jack was…well…time consuming. Lacey is…relaxing. I can be myself and fully unwind around her. And as subservient as you’ve made me out to be…I would have still appreciated having home-cooked meals and her company and…well…it would have been nice. We never would have known that much sadness. Even if I was flamingly gay. …I still wound have slept with her even if I was gay. Go figure that one out. …But she wasn’t there and…she’s just not replaceable.

Could I have found happiness with other women? Maybe? But I never met them. And not as much as I do and could have with Lacey.

Look…I’m in love with Lacey. Sorry I’m not with Jack anymore. That’s not necessarily even something that was real. But since you insist it was…I’m telling you that that’s over of it was ever real. Done! Over. No more.

No more debating my orientation. I’m just with Lacey. If I’m Lem that’s it. I’m just with Lacey. No changes made. I’m still me. I’m just all healthy and with Lacey now.

I was heterosexual. But…you doubt that? I did a very good job seeming gay I guess. I’d be proud of my acting chops if it wasn’t so depressing. You know…one last photo comparison:

Anne looks convincingly lesbian. Well…as convincing as I did if not more so. But…her energy is off just like mine was. Her hand looks like mine did on Jack’s hand. Awkward. Forced.

And we can’t find the article now but she did say that she no longer found women attractive before her death. And that she’d merely felt she was able to be a lesbian at all because she was sexually abused. She was always awkward and confused about her orientation, regardless. But now she’d say she was straight…with the caveat that she at the very least overemphasized her homosexuality because she was sexually abused.

“Lacey thinks I was bisexual. …She even told Ellen that.

I was…almost completely heterosexual.

Did I find Ellen attractive? Not completely. I’m sorry. I’m ashamed to say that. I found a part of her attractive. It was…her mind? I was possibly homosexual on a romantic level. On rare occasions. …But…I struggled with the physical aspect at times. Because I was not really homosexual sexually. I’m sorry. Poor Ellen!

If this isn’t clear…hopefully someday I can be clearer when you’re with me. Peace!” says Anne Heche.

Anyway…I was uncomfortable. Regardless of her orientation. With Jack.

Ahh…but…no matter. I’m with Lacey now and I’m straight. And with her. For eternity.

…Why was it so troubling that she killed herself? If she’s my wife if there’s reincarnation in the Bible? Or even if that’s a likely story?

Well…she didn’t trust me. When I died…it would have caused her to accidentally drink too much because she felt fear. And she still does. And Jack played into that. Cruelly. Or…he created it, in part.

Why? Because she doesn’t understand how much I love her. And I don’t think she ever did…if there’s reincarnation. I think she’s always been ignorant very slightly, at least. It’s why she slept with other men.

Louis came on to her with his strength and honor. Elliott was romantic and passionate. Michael like a knight in shining armor. Harold her safe place for eternity. Scott her ultimate home. …And it was all so convincing. Because I seem weak and disinterested by comparison…even if it’s not reality.

So…God has enabled me to throw in the towel. Thanks ever so much. I’m done. So is Lacey. We’re calling it quits. We’re together for eternity now. No more games. No more guesses. …And I don’t care what orientation I was. Deal with it. If I’m Lem…you have no objections. You have no say. Your opinion on this matter is of no value. The only voice left on the matter of any merit is God. And mine.

I was heterosexual. But it’s of no consequence to you? I can’t change that. That’s your business.

I was not in love with Jack. I was blind and misinterpreted both. I didn’t understand love. And I was straight. I’ve spent HOURS of time discussing and dissecting it. Enough.

I’m with Lacey. That’s it. She’s not Jack. She’s her. And I’m with Lacey, her. That’s it. End! End of our stories in that regard.

I love her more than anything and anyone and no one else ever gets to have her ever again. Ever. And same goes for me with her. Of course.

…My life was vile.

I’m sorry I gave heroin to Bobby. Or anyone else. Or pot or liquor. I should have just…left the country. Or asked to be killed. Or something. …It wasn’t my love for Jack. It was my inability to feel as though my life had any chance of being better or meaning something. I was old. I was ugly in my opinion. Or at least old. And…I was an alcoholic who had secrets. Horrific secrets. And there was no woman like Lacey there. She would have instantly understood. But she wasn’t there.

I’m a type of man. Harold Loeb and Michael and Louis are my type. And Harold and Louis were definitely not gay. If they’d been as sweet as me…they’d have laughed and looked gay too if they never had sex or kissed girls past age 15. Or maybe 20. Lacey was different and she was preserved but that’s different.

But no matter.

I’m not with anyone else ever again. So there you go.

End.