“I’ll Be Nick Carraway” by Red Fay

We can talk about what’s happening now. But it’s too personal and too sad and too unfinished. It’s not wise.

Let me introduce you to our characters.

That’s Joe Kennedy Junior. He’s Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy and Joe Kennedy Senior’s oldest son. Lacey is every bit his equal in terms of beauty and grace. And he was an extraordinarily good-looking man. She’s also his equal in terms of intelligence. And gumption. They’re tragic, dark, heroic souls. But they both…hate when people cry over them. Loathe it. And it’s part of what makes them so…impossible. And it’s part of why they fell so deeply in love. They instantly understood each other. Very few people understood or understand either of them. They’re both serious, deep people.

Where Lacey wonders if she killed herself accidentally when Lem died in World War I…Joe killed himself accidentally in World War II because he was supposedly in love with Pat Wilson. …And ironically if they’d been together neither of them would have died.

If she was Scotia she’s buried near where his ashes likely landed after he was blown-up. Near enough. They…instantly understood each other’s…darkest sadness. But where Joe was in denial of that until recently…Lacey always guessed at it.

Why did she let Joe go so easily? Because he’s Joe. And there’s no use trying in her mind. You can’t make him do anything. Not if you love him. At least that was her way of trying to love him. He likes being charge far more than he realizes. And that was never a problem for her.

Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings, Op. 11 plays.

But Lacey isn’t weak. *Joe Jr. cries* And so when she was…Joe always used to pick her up. In her spirit and carry her. Because he didn’t want her to feel it. He hates it too. They understood each other.

No. She’s an incredibly strong person. Really. And actually…he was too. Or he certainly tried to be.

That photo was taken right before his death.

But…Lacey and Joe aren’t meant for each other. For eternity. And it shows.

Joe Jr. cheats. And Lacey lets it go. And actually…Lem is her…lover. Lacey and Lem can’t resist each other.

You know…Lacey and Lem could have been lovers…and never married.

A Rose in Spanish Harlem by Nicholas Britell plays.

They have the capacity to be so quiet and private and perfectly faithful that they could have hidden their passionate love away…until death. Lem lying to Jack. Lacey using Joe to manipulate Jack into believing whatever Lem told him. Jack was always embarrassed by Joe. Joe was the version of himself he could never be.

Lacey lying to Joe. Pretending to be happy…convincingly. Joe being too tired, washed-up and defeated by his own evil to care.

Lem could have conceived Lacey’s children with her. And they’d have looked enough like Joe for no one to notice. And no, Lem never did that with anyone.

But he could have with Lacey. They could have been evil a bit and…acted out of selfishness and fear. But they never would have.

Lacey and Lem are too good…and honorable…and loving. They’re too much…in deep complicated abandon to God to bother.

And that’s why Satan is so angry.

Right?

Lacey tried to be happy.

And even as Lem felt dread and fear in this photo…he fervently believed he was gay. He was going to be happy! He was going to be okay! He was going to make it! He was…going to carve out some sort of life for himself amid the ruins of what he felt was…something weird about himself.

Both of them were molested.

Lacey reacted with brace defiance and valor…and Lem reacted with tender hope. But both were and are victims not only of sexual evil…but of time. “I was never lonely?” Lem said. Then why did he drink? While Jack was alive. So damn much. And what in hell did he do when Jack abandoned him? Which happened often. No. And why did Lem kill himself?

If Lacey had known Lem loved her…and that she’d see him again…she would’ve loved and lived on. If there’s reinforcements in the Bible. …Likewise…if Lem had felt truly loved by Jack…and genuinely never lonely…he’d have died an older man. Glad. Grieving but hopeful. Because I know Lem believed in God. Somewhere in his heart. He did.

“I was never lonely?” said Lem. But what did he really mean? It was…deceit? Somehow.

Divenire, For Piano by Ludovico Einaudi plays.

“He’s the most handsome guy ever!” sweetly and sadly thought Lacey at 12 when she saw Lem’s photo on Jack’s back.

Jack smiled. It made him happy to hear her say that. But only for a moment.

“Jack you have to let go.” said someone to him.

And at that Jack turned bitter and mean…and cold as ice. He suddenly was unreasonable.

And Lacey’s been suffering ever since.

Does Jack hate Lacey because of Lem alone? No! I doubt it. It’s also about his profound rage at Joe, his older brother. And only recently has Joe began to realize that, tragically. He sees Lacey as an extension of Joe. And it makes him respect her, ironically, more than Lem. But it also makes him hate her to a insane degree…that almost becomes too intense to be taken seriously. And it becomes almost…comedic.

Aurora by Hans Zimmer plays as Jack trudges through feet of snow with a determined, sullen, seething rage. Snowy mist settles around him. He has but one mission, he believes. And that mission is to destroy Joe Kennedy Junior. Once and for all.

And somehow he has yet to fully grasp that Lacey and Lem are both very different people from him and his brother in a way, at least. And at most he has yet to realize that she belongs to Lem. Because she and Joe are similar…and they were deeply in love. And the only other romance he’s seem like that was when Bobby and Ethel were in love. And they might still be. …So…Jack is…nonplussed. How can Lacey be so….innocent and vulnerable…considering that Joe very much isn’t? Or is he?

Anyway…Lacey and Lem could have easily lied. No one believes them anyway. Right?

Aurora plays.

Lacey and Lem are in a church. Alone. Praying on Christmas Eve.

He turns around while still sitting. Stares at her.

She looks at him. Looks away. Way too casually. He gets the invitation. Stands-up and joins her. She lets go and collapses into him. Closing her eyes.

He hold her. Rests his face in her hair. He feels safe.

“Let’s go…to bed.

I’m tired. You’re tired.

Jack is in Hawaii. Joe is with some woman in Hollywood.

You don’t have kids yet. Jack’s kids are with Jackie. We’re all alone. It’s quiet. Let’s just go home…and go to bed.” says Lem.

“Who’s home?” asks Lacey.

“Mine!” says Lem.

“Together?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah!

I wanna hold you.” Lem whispers into her ear.

Who’s There by Hans Zimmer plays.

“Then we’re having an affair.” says Lacey.

“Okay!” says Lem.

“Then it’s not an affair.” says Lacey.

Lem winces. “Dammit. I know Joe loves you.”

“You’re lying.” says Lacey, moving to stare into his soul in hurt.

Lem’s smiling. He smiles more. He turns to look her in the eye.

“Then we’re in love.” he says.

Lacey stands up suddenly. Turns to coldly face the exit. Stoic.

“I’m not playing a fool.” says Lacey cryptically to him.

He studies her face.

He thinks.

“Let’s go home!” he says, almost crying.

Lacey moves to walk out. And he comes up behind her. He grabs her and carries her out to his car.

And they go home and make love. Of course.

They do. They really do.

And so…who are they? Why…are they always just going home? Have you noticed that? They have a bizarre intimacy that’s…beyond understanding, so to speak.

How do we explain that?

Some people are determined to say they were reincarnated. But then reincarnation has to be Biblical. And if we can’t make it that…then maybe they are just incredibly deep people with souls that were crafted solely for each other. Some people would say that that’s the same thing. It isn’t.

Why don’t you get it?

Reminiscence by Ólafur Arnalds & Alice Sara Ott plays.

Today Lacey’s daughter told Lacey that she must have asthma. She eyed her mom and surmised, “You know it must be aggravating your asthma!”

“I don’t have asthma.” said Lacey. “But you know your father who is Heaven might have had it. While he was alive.”

Stuff like that is real sometimes. That actually happened. Regardless of what you take from this blog…take away an awareness that some things are beyond science as it’s known in 2024.

Lem did have asthma.

Lacey did see Lem’s apartment before she knew what it looked like.

Lacey did see a man’s literal shadow in her room clear as day as if he was standing in her hallway. And no one was there. The shadow moved like a normal living man.

She heard Elliott Roosevelt’s voice…before she ever heard it in any form.

And if I’m Red Fay…I’m writing this…like a jotter…in my hand. And I’m dead.

How is she doing this? Ever wondered?

She’s not channeling me. She’s transcribing what she hears me say. She doesn’t hear it audibly. Necessarily. But it’s like…she hears it. Very loudly. In her spirit. It’s like I’m there. She just writes whatever I say. Like a secretary.

“Where am I Lacey?” asks Red.

“Behind my body? Behind me?” asks Lacey.

“Behind you how?” asks Red.

“Like…I’m in an interactive 3D game…and it’s all real…not an actual game…but…it’s so fake compared to where you are. And…you’re behind me.” says Lacey. “So if I just move myself backwards…as I have had to do my whole life to survive…to be able to think and feel…and stay in control of myself…I can hear you.” says Lacey. “You’re right there. And it often feels like I can almost touch you.”

Vivaldi’s Four Seasons (Re-composition) by Max Richter plays.

“You’re so close to us.

Today when you and Lem made love…he almost could pull you backwards completely.” says Red.

“Why is it backwards?” asks Lacey.

“Because Lem wants to take you to him. …He’s wanted to take you to him your whole life. But…now he’s gone to the idea completely? No. He’s been there. …You won’t go anywhere without him. You’re too scared to. And God knows that and cares.” says Red Fay.

“I don’t think I could handle it.” says Lacey.

And that’s why you need to stop making assumptions. No. We often can’t assume.

We have to wonder.

We have to ask God.

We have to be honest.

We have to be brave and trustworthy.

We have to ascertain as best we can and fear God.

…I wasn’t gay. But I did write The Pleasure of His Company. Why!? Why didn’t people make more assumptions about that!? …Good God help us.

“Lem you really weren’t that happy in that photo?” asks Pete.

“No. I was trying to be. …Look…my family is old money. And I grew-up rich. But then we lost a lot of money…and then my dad died…and…I’m cold…and my pants are too thin….and I’m almost having an asthma attack…and I wish I was dead. But I’m so young.“ says Lem.

Unforgotten by Micheal Price plays.

“I had to try to live. And I cried later that day. When I was alone.

…If Lacey had been there…I would have trusted her with everything. And been fine.” says Lem.

The song ends.

Morning by Hania Rani plays.

“But she wasn’t there.

I was so…reasonable. And down to earth. But I’m a romantic at heart.

And Jack…had no sense of any of that. Not really. He used me. But…he had no idea what it all meant.

He was living on borrowed time.

Why?

Because God knows me.

And if I’m the man I claim to be on this blog…I’m like Michael Sullivan’s older brother. That character reminds me of me. I was straight.

I have no little brothers. But there is Michael Rockefeller and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

If you ever want to understand Lacey and I better watch the following films and shows. For now:

Road To Perdition

Portrait of Jennie

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir

A Room With A View (1985)

Howard’s End (1992)

The first four seasons of The Crown

There Will Be Blood

It’s A Wonderful Life

The Best Years of Our Lives

The Great Gatsby (2013)

The Aviator

American Beauty

Gosford Park

The Dick Van Dyke Show

Foyles War

The Shining (1980)

Eyes Wide Shut

Manhattan (1979)

Mad Men

Leave It To Beaver

The Andy Griffith Show

Firing Line

The Dick Cavett Show

Meet The Press (with Tim Russert)

The Nightly News (with Tom Brokaw)

The Today Show (from the 1980’s into the early 2000’s)

All In With Chris Hayes (from 2015 to 2017 only)

October Sky

Gone With The Wind

Breakfast At Tiffany’s

Sabrina (1954)

The Ice Storm

Schindler’s List

Saving Private Ryan

The End of the Affair

Mrs. Miniver

And…then…hopefully you’ll have some insight. Right?

You know…what I wrote before still stands.” says Lem.

Silence.

“Goodnight.” says Lem.

“So you really were trying to be gay! You poor thing.” says Patrick Stewart.

“You’re fascinating. …You seem straight in your mannerisms. More than most gay men.

But I think, believe it or not, I always thought you were gay.” says Lacey. “Or something not straight.”

“Yeah. Like me.” says Anderson Cooper.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“What the fuck are you picking up on?” asks a gay man.

“You seem bisexual? Or pansexual? Or something?” says Lacey.

“I’m mostly gay.” says Anderson Cooper.

“You came out as gay?” says Lacey to Patrick Stewart.

“Huh.” says Patrick Stewart.

Walk by Einaudi plays.

“You’re bisexual?” says Lacey.

“Thing is…there was a mistake.” says Patrick Stewart.

“Yes. I can sense that.” says Lacey.

“And it bothers me a lot.” says Patrick Stewart.

“I can sense that too.” says Lacey.

“I hated it.” says Lem. “But I tried to be happy.”

“What woke you up in the morning?” asks Patrick Stewart.

“Alcohol. Cigarettes. …A sense of honor.” says Lem.

“So when Jack died…you felt you had nothing left to be honorable for?” asks Patrick Stewart.

“Not much. My life was ruined. I was too old.

…I just didn’t think getting married was right. And…who? Who was I supposed to marry?” says Lem.

“Marilyn Monroe!” says NBC.

“Those women didn’t go for me. Not often. Or I couldn’t stand them. Or…both? …Lacey really is unusual.” says Lem.

“Crap!” yells Patrick Stewart.

“Why?” asks Alex Trebek.

“How the hell do we get out of this?” asks Patrick Stewart.

“God.

It’s a huge mess.” says Alex Trebek.

“Goodnight!” says