Joel

In college there was a young man who looked like Lem more than most guys do. And he was crazy about Lacey. But at the time she didn’t think he was that attractive. …She passed on dating him mostly because he wasn’t seemingly deep enough and she worried she’d feel lonely in the relationship…but at times she’s worried she made a mistake.

“You didn’t.” says Lem. “You don’t want to do that to someone. Love them less than you could love me and love them only as a substitute for me.”

“True.” says Lacey.

“You know…you should have had more friends.” says Lem. “I made bad choices in regard to friends. I doubt you would have.”

“Why did you?” asks Lacey.

“I thought I was gay. So…most boys my age found me weird. Not gay. *laugh* So much as weird. Like…some eccentric dumbbell or something. I just…seemed…like a nutcase.” says Lem.

“Do they struggled to be your friend?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lem.

I Appear Missing by Queens Of The Stone Age plays.

“Imagine Joel acting gay.” says Lem.

“That would make people feel uncomfortable. It’s creepy.” says Lacey.

The song plays.

“It was creepy. It was…gross. …But I didn’t come on to them. *laugh* So…I felt more bizarre to talk to than scary.

You know that’s actually one of the fears of straight men who are homophobic not based on fears about themselves. They’re scared of a nightmare scenario where their buddies who they trust and rely on for non-sexual relationships get creepy and sexual and start hitting on them. Not because they’ll become aroused and fall in love. No! …Because it’s…just…damn gross and creepy. It’s…a weird violation of trust and happiness. It’s actually really offensive. And given the nature of being a man…it’s a serious violation. Men have to get along with each other for the sake of civilization.

But I was…weird. I’d act odd and creepy…but then at the same time I wasn’t actually interested in homosexual sex. So *laugh* I was creepy but…they didn’t feel scared of me.

Why did Jack not care? Well. He might have figured out what was actually happening on some sad level and wanted to take advantage of me. To say, ‘Fuck you!’ to genuinely straight men and old Protestant money. He was a predator. …But also…he likely felt he too was secretly straight or felt he was more straight than me somehow because he didn’t think homosexuality was inherent and he likely thought I was making myself turn gay for real. Like the opposite of Conversion Therapy.” says Lem.

“Lem…if homosexuality isn’t allowed in Heaven…then what do we say to homosexuals?” asks a dead Spencer.

“What do we say to Lacey? When people give a damn about her profound loneliness even in friendship…then I’ll give a shit again.” says Lem.

“Why do we struggle with being her friend?” asks a living gay man.

“Because she’s not like you. Simple as that. …And people are cruel about that nowadays when it comes to almost anything and have been for decades. They’re catty and cruel.” says Lauren Bacall.

“So she’s just genetically different and we’re weirder out by that?” asks a living gay man.

“You hate her. For no good reason. …She’s on a completely different wavelength. And you can sense that. And instead of trying to reach out to her in a real way and be her actual friend you’ve all been too irritated by it to give a damn.” says Lauren Bacall.

“You sound like Lauren Bacall.” he says in awe.

“Maybe because I am! Right?” says Lauren. “See! I find that statement you just made mortifyingly idiotic and annoying. So does Lacey. …But we both know you’re not likely that stupid. So we give you the benefit of the doubt. …But few people have done that for Lacey. And certainly not consistently.” says Lauren.

Kids With Guns by Gorillaz plays.

“So we just miss each other.” says the living gay man.

“Yes! You talk past each other.” says Lauren Bacall.

“So it’s like she’s autistic…but she’s not autistic at all.” says another living gay man.

“Yes! And…she has no reason. And she feels it in a way they don’t.” says Lauren. “It’s been a bizarre and vile life.”

“And then I decided to just make it worse. By constantly bullying her out of jealousy.” says JFK’s residual energy.

“So if we talked to her like she was you…we’d be able to get along with her?” asks a living gay man.

“You already do. But it’s an ego thing now for some of you. Because I’m Lauren Bacall and yet I’m her actual friend.” says thee Lauren Bacall.

“Right! Because her father was friends with your husband.” says a living gay man.

“Yes! I’d have introduced her to her boyfriends though. She’s closer to my age. So…even though my husband is her father’s friend I’d have thought she was more like a friend of mine.” says Lauren Bacall.

“Which boyfriends?” asks a woman.

“Michael Rockefeller and Elliott and Harold Loeb…and possibly even Louis. Although I have a feeling she’d have met Louis elsewhere.” says Lauren.

“Why did we kill Carolyn? With her sister Lauren? …On a plane…piloted by her husband?” asks a reader, laughing at the stupidity of the fallen world.

“And by we you mean the Illuminati?” asks the Illuminati.

“Yes.” says a living gay man.

“Yes!” says the reader.

“Yeah. Well. …If there’s an Illuminati…shit like that happens. Because it’s witchcraft. So things are interrelated and symbolic. It’s what some people call ‘synergy.’” says the Illuminati.

Like a Stone by Audioslave plays for the Charismatic Christians who refuse to deal with their gross rebellion against God.

Lacey laughs.

“Who’s house?” asks Jonah Wiley.

“God’s house. Church.” says Lacey.

“Dammit. We’re desperate to make her seem dumb.” says Luca Turin.

“Yeah. But you know…I’m superior to you.” says Lauren Bacall to Luca Turin.

“So am I!” says Jack Spencer.

“So I am!!” says JD Rockefeller.

“Are you still feel kind?” says Tucker Carlson to Luca Turin.

“You know…I knew who she was.” says Luca Turin.

“You did!??” says Casi.

“Yes!!” yells Luca Turin. “She’s…weird. Not weird like…a creepy person or a fool. But…like…how Helena Bonham Carter dresses. Or how…Paloma Picasso smells to us today.” He thinks. “Do you like Poloma Picasso Lacey?”

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Yeah. That’s your vibe. …But it’s not natural. It’s what’s been forced on you. And I don’t like it.” says Luca Turin. “I think you’re a far different person.”

“She is!” says Lauren.

“Okay. But there’s gotta be something in Paloma Picasso that’s her.” says Pablo Picasso.

“Yes! But it’s…sad on her.” says Luca Turin.

Pablo Picasso nods in understanding.

“Okay. How…does she end up being friends with you though? If she’s capable of being friends with so many people in your generation?” asks a Millennial woman of Lauren Bacall.

“Because she’s picky.” says Lauren.

“Yeah. …Lauren is unusually intelligent. And…deep. And…yet fun.” says Sheilah Graham. “Lacey would have gravitated to me too. And I’d have to have gotten over my insecurities with her. Quickly. …Because I’d have felt protective of her.”

“Okay. So who are her friends?” asks a Millennial woman.

“Me.” says Lauren Bacall. “Queen Elizabeth II, Sheilah Graham at times, Carole Lombard, at times Ginger Rogers, at times Grace Kelly, she would have been close to Eleanor Roosevelt but like a daughter…because Eleanor would have insisted she understood Lacey just like she favored Elliott, a few neighbor girls, a few women who are unknown so to speak, Princess Margaret, Louis Hill’s sister, her cousins, and oddly…if Lacey had been born Joe might have also married Athalia Ponsell so Lacey might have become vague friends with he too.”

“What happened to Pat?” asks a reader.

“Well…Pat wants to love Lacey. But Athalia does too. And it’s easier for Athalia.” says Lauren Bacall.

“Should we ask why?” asks a living gay man.

“Are you curious?” asks Lauren. “Why not ask? Are you scared it will make you straight?”

“Umm. Hmm. Interesting.

…Okay.

Why?” asks the living gay man.

“Because Athalia is…weaker. And yet…because she’s weaker she’s…able to see how Lacey actually feels about everything.” says Lauren.