“A Letter To Lacey” by Lem Billings

Why by Bronski Beat plays.

These men sound like me. Don’t they? Except they’re being themselves. And it’s obnoxious sounding now because I did it too.

That’s not his real voice. Regardless.

No. I sounded a lot like them.

Smalltown Boy plays.

Gay men all did that to their voices.

And they all sound almost exactly like me.

But they aren’t me. Even the one with glasses.

Lacey you read them all as gay or mostly gay/bisexual. Possibly queer.

You aren’t wrong.

But you don’t read me as that.

So let’s have it out.

A Mashup of Wonderwall x Smalltown Boy by Decoband plays.

Wonderwall by Oasis plays.

“I’m tired of homosexuals. You all suck shit.” says Lacey to Lem.

“Dammit. That did not go well.” says a dead member of Bronski Beats.

“No! You read me as gay!!” yells James in the afterlife.

“Not REALLY.” says Lacey.

He cries in the afterlife.

“Yeah. You go cry! You spoiled ass!” yells Lacey.

The other member of the band who wore glasses laughs.

“I couldn’t have slept with her. I’m just too gay.” James says. “You’re really beautiful. But…I’m just too gay.”

“I’m not.” say the other two in unison.

“Lacey…is that why we make you FURIOUS?” asks James.

“That’s just one reason.” says Lacey.

“It is…obnoxious at this point.” says the one with glasses. “I’m labeled as openly gay. But…of I had slept with you it would be impossible. I’d be bisexual. And I was slightly.

…Why else do we piss you off?”

“Are you trying to sleep with her?” asks Lem.

He laughs. “Slightly.”

“Why is that my problem?” says Lacey.

“Fair enough.” says Lem. “You know…she’s right. She does read you as gay in a way I’m not. But nobody cares what she thinks in that way.”

“Okay. You automatically knew I was bisexual. Or close to it.

And you knew Jack was gay. Automatically.

Why don’t you trust yourself?” asks the one with glasses.

“Because! It’s not allowed.” says Lacey.

“Dammit. From your perspective we are spoiled, sheltered assholes.” says James.

“Pretty damn close.” says Lacey.

James laughs. “No you’ve had you’re entire personality stolen and gaslit.” He closes his eyes. Thinks.

“I’m sorry we seem so ignorant and privileged.” says the one with glasses.

Lacey cries.

“Yeah. I get it.” he says.

“I would never have cheated on you! With any gender.” says Michael to Lacey.

“Yeah. But you’re not Lem!” says the one with glasses.

“What was it like dying of smoke inhalation?” asks Lacey sincerely.

The other member laughs.

“No. Not all men who look like me are gay. Or bisexual.” says the one with glasses.

“That’s what I thought!” says Lacey.

“You’ve been lied to.” says James.

“But now I’m too mad to try.” says Lacey.

“I do read you all as non-straight.” says Lacey.

“We’ve been harassing Lacey’s blog all morning because Bobby insists it irritates her. And it does. But not like her haters hope.” says the CIA.

“She’s right. Her experience makes the entire Gay Rights Movement seem like a farce.” says James.

“Okay. So…why doesn’t your first impression of us and Lem count?” asks the one with glasses.

“Because your gay.

And there’s no way your voices could just all sound alike. Right? No!! I mean…that would mean there’s been trends in homosexual body language that have evolved over time.” says Lacey.

“Lacey…we all do mimic other people. To some degree. …Dammit!” says the one with glasses. “Dammit!”

“No. You’d never try to sleep with any of us.” says James. “Jack. What is your problem!?”

“She’s AN IDIOT!” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Yeah! And a low-class piece of shit!” says Jack Kennedy. “And a faggot!”

They’re being serious.

Later.

“Lacey. You knew.” says Jimmy Sommerville. “You knew I was gay.”

“Yeah. And you don’t sound gay in a colloquial way.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. And I’m doing this because of your Grandpa Pantell. Not Lem. By the way.

…Sweetheart…you have to listen to yourself.” says Jimmy.

“I hate being wrong.” says Lacey.

“Can you be?” asks Jimmy.

“Not necessarily.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. It’s too risky.” says Jimmy.

“But let’s think. When I’m not doing a gay look…I still seemed…almost entirely gay. Maybe a tiny bit straight. …And you knew that. You just know these things. It’s like you have a case history on every living human being in your head. I bet there’s almost nothing I could tell you that you wouldn’t guess about me. Even intimate details of my childhood.

You’re possibly a super genius in that way.

And I think what’s irritating to you in part is everyone’s insistence otherwise. Especially Jack. Possibly because you knew he was gay. Instantly as a child. And you knew Lem was straight.

And it’s sad. Because those boys did not figure on you being with Lem. And when the Gay Rights Movement took hold we didn’t envision getting into a fight with ancient Egypt, nor Bloody Mary. Over human trafficking in Ukraine. Or over Jack Kennedy being a sex predator. Or massacring your soul to have gay sex openly like psychopathic freaks. But that’s where we are.

No. That’s where we accidentally brought ourselves.

Why? Because. …Lem imitated us.” says James. “And we are too stubborn to admit that that’s possible.”

“Yeah. Because…we like to say that our mannerisms are all authentic. And they’re not. There is a gay look. At times? But…it’s like Jack. Not like Lem.” says Bronski.

“We’ve lost you.” says James.

Silence.

“Look. I’m sorry.

We…lied. At least two of would have slept with you.

And…maybe that’s why Millennials hate labels. *he smiles*” says James.

Lacey cries.

James cries.

Then they control themselves.

“You know…I don’t know why American men are so weird about it. I don’t feel the need to act gay here.” he says about the UK.

Did you use my voice? That’s all I want to know.

“Did we channel you? Or copy you?” asks James of Lem.

Yeah.

“No!” says James.

It’s creepy how similar you and I sound.

“You’re incredibly intimidating. I just have to say that.” says James.

Why?

“You’re huge! You’re a huge man! …And you’re like…an overlord.” says James. “A real one.” He thinks. “Shit. She’ll think that’s a lie now too and that you and I are sleeping together or something.”

Yeah!

“Okay. But Lem doesn’t seem gay.” says James to Lacey.

“Isn’t that just nonsense and a trick?” says Lacey.

The one with glasses laughs. “I do look a bizarre amount like Lem. We all do. And sound like him. But it’s bullshit.”

“It’s not that I don’t care about your suffering you know?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. It’s that we don’t seem to give two shits about you and actually we seem to want to destroy soul.” says the one with glasses.

“You all have made me think men are a myth.” says Lacey.

“Dammit.” says James. “Yeah. She’s right.”

“Why did you all act so self-righteous!?!” says Lacey.

“Yeah. It’s part of why I hated you all so much!” says Pat Robertson. “Regardless what’s allowed in Heaven…since when did gay men invent love and sex!? It used to drive me crazy. …You couldn’t be a sensitive, caring, intelligent straight man without being labeled gay.”

“Dammit!” says the one with glasses.

“So it seemed like we hated women and we’re trying to destroy all men. Regardless.” says Bronski.

“Yeah!!!

…And I knew you’d have slept with Lacey.” says Pat Robertson. “So it’s not like I could trust you alone with her if I was her husband.”

Bronski laughs. Why? Because Joe wasn’t at all suspicious of Lem. None of the Kennedys were.

“Pat. Were you psychic?” asks James.

“Yes. I was a Born-Again Christian so I didn’t and don’t call it that. But yes. If we’re being honest I would say it’s a lot like that.” says Pat.

“But Joe claims to be psychic too!” says the one with glasses.

Silence.

“See the problem with all of this is that Lacey…has no idea what’s real.

And she’s been completely gaslit.” says the one with glasses.

Moments Later.

“I failed.” says Lem. “You slept with other men because I failed.”

Silence.

“Do you want to end things with me forever?” Lem asks Lacey.

“Sure!” says Lacey, flippantly.

“You can’t.” says Lem.

“Then I’ll have to.” says Lacey.

“No! I’m being serious!” yells Lem.

Lacey slaps him.

“No. I’m 100% being serious.” says Lem. “I’m not being facetious.”

She slaps him again.

“Very good. Yes!” says a dead British man. “I agree with her!” he says seriously.

Lem smiles. “No, no. You’re misunderstanding me. I’m saying that I’m being completely sincere. No sarcasm or lies or hidden meanings.”

“Why do you hate me?” asks Lacey.

“‘Why do you hate me!??’ Holy shit!” says an average American woman. “That’s not what I was expecting her to say.”

“We’re in a ton of trouble.” says another average American woman.

“Yeah right!” says a Black psychic in the Illuminati.

“No!! It’s bad! She’s legit! You just don’t get it. This is BAD.” says the dead average American woman.

Tsar Putin covers his mouth and laughs. “I’m sorry. You’re all such fools. Excuse me.” he says to some evil people.

…Lacey I’m not letting you go.

Let’s say I was gay. Who cares? I’m not cheating and I’ve been sleeping with you regularly for years now.

Am I real? What am I?

If I’m Lem…I was deformed if I was gay. Or I just wasn’t gay.

No. You read me as straight. And I was.

I was just exceptionally good at imitation. But…as convincing as it was…you weren’t convinced. No. I worked at it. I did. I had lots of small mannerisms down. You could do it too though.

“But I’d hate myself.” says Lacey.

Lem thinks. Closes his eyes.

Look. You aren’t leaving me regardless.

Do you want to?

“No.” says Lacey.

Later.

“You seem privileged Lem. And it’s gross.” says Michael. “I inspired a tragic gay story about myself. Just for this reason.”

“SHIT!” yells Harold.

“Guys! Relax!!” says Joe Kennedy Junior.

JFK would nod in agreement with Joe but he’s in too much trouble.

“Are we really in that much trouble?” asks a dead person.

Later.

“So you’re saying I’m privileged in a way that’s cruel.” says Lem.

Lacey goes silent.

“Dammit!” yells Joe.

“Oh no!!!” yells JFK in terror.

“NOO!!!!!” yells Joe again in abject horror.

“I see your point. But it might not have been real.

…If I was gay I was sad. A lot. And I was forced to hide it.” says Lem. “I wasn’t allowed a life. And…Jack was often an asshole.

People think he was my…best friend? Well…how is that possible? I went through so much for him. And he was never faithful. Not with women. Not with men.

And don’t think that didn’t brother me. How could it not!?!? …I wasn’t dumb enough to think women weren’t human!”

“Holy crap.” says a living gay man. “This is dumb. Lem…how the fuck did you stay with him if you weren’t straight?”

“Yeah! Exactly!!” yells Lem, losing his temper.

“Oh shit!!” yells a group of dead people.

“What!? You thought Lacey was joking about ending the world within the next 50 years forever? She wasn’t.” says Tom Banks.

Princess Kate nods in understanding. None of this is new information to her. She looks a bit puzzled.

“Yeah! Global warming!” says Prince William.

“Just let them enjoy it.” says Greta to Lacey.

“But I never know what to do. Should I plan or not!?!” says Lacey in exasperation.

Greta nods in understanding. Sighs.

“My gosh. So you’re going to use global warming!?!” says a living gay man to Lacey.

“Yes! Humanely. If that’s still a resource when I die.” says Lacey.

Bronski Beats laughs.

“But Lem isn’t scorning you.” says Red Fay.

“Oh DAMN WELL!!” yells Lacey.

Tchaikovsky: Swan Lake, Danse des petits cygnes plays.

“Lacey…did we steal something irreplaceable from you?” ask living gay men.

“Like me!? No! But your determination to make her think that and cruelty and my inability to do almost shit about it is enough.” says Lem.

“Oh my God! We’re the victims! Oh my God! We’re the ones! We are the IMPORTANT ONES!” say all asshole gay men. “Have pity on me while make passionate love with my gobsmacked, hot, sensitive boyfriend who can’t get into an unwanted pregnancy and when I can’t either!” He pouts. “I’m THE VICTIM!”

“Yup.” says the dead average American woman.

“We do get killed and made fun of!” says another asshole gay man.

“Yeah?! So do LOTS of people!” says an innocent child passing over from dying of a heroin overdose at 4. She was a child hostage used in slavery.

“Oh my God! We’re you a gay man!!? During AIDS pandemic!?” asks a living gay man.

“No! She wasn’t born yet.” says Lacey smashing in his skull for asking such a stupid question in the afterlife if necessary.

“Are we archaic?” asks a gay man.

“In 2024!?” asks a dog who died in a wildfire.

“Wow! You’re hurting me!” says an asshole liberal woman in the Illuminati to Lacey.

“Am I!?” says Lem. “You’re clearly a bimbo narcissist. I’m sorry if we’re hurting your feelings.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” says Lacey.

“No. We’re really this backward and obnoxious. Obviously. I mean…come on.” says a Republican gay man. He rolls his eyes. “I was never sold on Kem. Or Lem being gay. Ever. You know why? Because he’s a fucking dork. …And dorks are often mistaken as gay.

Look…he was hot. Yeah. But…”

A living liberal woman cries. “Why do you have our brains!?”

The Republican gay man stares at her quizzically.

“No! I mean…why can’t I think like you?” she asks.

He controls himself. Thinks.

“You seem so sane. And…it makes me scared. Because…I should be that normal too. But I’m not.

Why!?

…See…I’m working on a theory. Mother Nature really is trying to kill us all.

And she’s been working on it for a while.” says the woman in the liberal Illuminati.

“Why!?” asks Bill Gates.

“Because of pollution. Extinctions. She’s a mother. We killed her babies. We’re way over the line. We screwed with her far too much.” she says.

Voices usually attacking Lacey begin attacking her. And the Kennedys go into attack mode on her too.

“They’re evil.” says Mary Richardson.

“Then why did you leave your kids with them!?” yells Lacey, enraged.

“Yeah! I fucked-up!!” says Mary.

“Hmm. Yeah. Today is bad.” says a pedophile in the Illuminati.

“Nocturne No. 1 in F Minor” by Chopin plays.

Lacey…I messed-up. You don’t resent anything you…just have no idea how to respond to people’s hatred. You’re fine being unloved. Suffering beyond most. You’re a saint almost. You could be but you worry it’s evil. You’re that perfect in Christ. …But almost nobody alive respects that. And they feel narcissistically threatened by it too.

But they’re also too stupid to handle when you’re…ferocious because they don’t understand what a saint is.

You’re going to have to accept that I was straight. But you possibly can’t prove it to anyone but yourself. Or if you can’t accept that…more people will die. Soon.

And you don’t have a choice. If I was straight and faking being gay…you should be allowed to intellectually express that, especially in the confines of your own mind. The Illuminati reading you obsessively like crazy, should they exist, was motivated by profound evil and stupidity. They’re hideous buffoons. With almost no sense. Because you can’t control someone else’s emotions and thoughts on the premise of woke liberation. That’s INSANE but that’s what they want.