“Sexy Fuck Wins Your Ass!”

I really was straight. And Lacey’s not Jack.

I Feel Love by Bronski Beats plays.

“What exactly does this woman want?” asks Lacey.

“She’s mad you’re prettier than and that Kate’s husband won’t fuck her.” says the BBC, sincerely.

“She’s so self-righteous.” says Lacey.

“That might have been me.” says Chris Hayes.

“Is she real?” asks Lacey.

“Mm. Maybe?” says the BBC.

“Wow! What a bitch!” says Lacey.

“Shhh.” says Nicole. “She doesn’t know.”

“Know what?!?” asks the BBC.

Nicole laughs. But being British she just ends-up smacking herself in the face with her own hand as God’s protection for her.

Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beats plays as she hits herself in the face. Repeatedly. She doesn’t seem to be harming herself so much as dealing with her own sin.

“I just hate their excess.” says Nicole.

“What about your excess?” asks Lem.

“I have no excess.” she says stupidly.

“Not true.” says the BBC. “If that’s your picture…and you own those beauty products…you’re full of it. Don’t try your lame, stupid-ass American bullshit here.”

“Fine!! I am privileged! I am spoiled.” she says. She shrugs.

“Then you lied.” says the BBC.

“Yeah. It’s true.” she says. “But I’m not as rich as I have a right to be.”

“Who says you have that right outside of the US?” asks Tsar Putin.

“But America is here?” she says.

“No! It’s not!!” yells Lem.

“Isn’t that what was decided?” she says.

“NO!!” yells Sir Winston Churchill.

“You know…I’m just…mad.” she says.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because…Jack Kennedy isn’t an Ashley.” says Sam Smith. “Ashley is fat. But she’s sexy and feminine and fun and down-to-Earth and…I like her. I’m enjoying seeing who I’m jealous of. Because yeah. I am. But…when I force myself to think of her…actually…I love us.”

“You are a fun person to be.” says Lacey.

Sam smiles. “Yeah. Right?

But…Jack isn’t an Ashley.” says Sam.

“What if homosexuality isn’t allowed in Heaven and Ashley really is your ‘twin flame’, Sam? I feel like she’s kind of a bitch and you’re kind of a jerk, so I feel like in Heaven you’re fortunate enough where if that was true, and you suddenly became straight you’d probably be fine because you’d probably understand each other.” says a dead saint.

“Yeah. But what does any of this have to do with me?” asks Nicole.

Heatwave by Bronski Beats plays in Australia to dying koalas as a warning to Satan.

“Lem doesn’t sound like me. We sound alike but I sound gay and he sounds straight.” says James from Bronski Beats.

“So…Jack…is…you. But sweetie…he’s even less attractive. But he had money.” says Sam Smith.

“Do you hate Kate because she’s so pretty?” asks Lacey of Nicole.

“So you don’t think I really give a damn about poor people?” asks Nicole.

“No. I think it’s possible. But I doubt it. You seem too narcissistic and bitchy and trashy.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. That could be true.” says Queen Camilla.

“So…if Lem was straight…why does he take us so seriously?” asks Sam Smith.

“Yeah. I’ve been wondering that for some time.” says Lacey.

“Why do you think the British Royal Family is able to be private?” asks Nicole.

“Because they’re the Royal Family. They aren’t just living off of taxes.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Okay!” she yells.

“So what right do you have to their private life like they’re your servants?” asks Lacey.

She thinks. “Because! It just makes me mad.” says Nicole.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because!!!” yells Nicole.

“Why!?” asks Lacey.

“You don’t get it!” she says to Lacey.

“Explain!” says Lacey.

“Because. Nobody should be that rich.” says Nicole like she’s preaching at Jonah Wiley’s church on Sunday morning.

“Huh.” says Lacey.