“I HAVE A RIGHT!” by Casi Brooke

I have a right.

I have a right to be rich.

The silver tipped of my fingers crossed my neck that arches upward towards Heaven.

I have a right to be an Italian aristocrat reincarnated if that’s what I am.

I if I am not Italian aristocrat, then I got fixated on that because it made me feel special. I have a right to be self-aware, and still incredibly narcissistic.

Yes, I am incredibly self-aware.

I have a right.

The sun dew drops of love fall upon my face. So is it life? Is it meaning? So what is the purpose of all of the madness?

The twists and turns of the path ahead remind me that I am but a mere mortal, and every bit of my sadness and longing is only a shred of the death, wherewith I shall stand someday before God in Heaven.

Whilst I stand here, I shall proclaim I am and I have a right.

What is my right? Well…my right is to be rich. My right is to be beautiful. My right is to be better than you and have you admire me. If that’s what I am.

And some of you might question if I am better than you? I don’t honestly know.

I am writing this from the depths of my heart, as I cry listening to Mozart.

Oh, what am I crying to Mozart’s fifth I mean Mozart’s 40th Symphony. Every time I hear Mozart’s 40th Symphony it makes me weep.

And I’ve seen most of you. I watch you…and I make observations about things that would cut you to your core if you ever heard them.

I am but a mere mortal just like you or am I?

How much did I pay in rent? 600 a month but I had a superior perfume collection to Lacey and my smile was actually inferior to hers but I lied about it.

So why was my perfume collection superior? Because I could sense that and I enjoyed it in a different way than she’s able to. You have to read in between the lines with Lacey? You can’t just take her words as being what they actually are, because if she actually is that honest and intelligent, then she’s smarter and better than me in every fucking way that a human can be before they’re dead, and in Heaven with Christ.

And why does that bother me? I don’t even fucking know. I really don’t. I think part of it is that I like being superior to other people but then part of it is just for some reason it just pisses me off. I think because I actually I’m a somewhat deep person and I wasn’t expecting someone like her to ever exist.

I’m like what the fuck!? What the fucking fuck!?

And then I’m like what the hell!? Maybe people the past were superior to us in some way so what the hell ever? No, they might’ve been. And that’s an explanation I kind of like because my grandparents feel superior to me and they loved me so I can kind of handle it as a white person who is a somewhat racist person it scares me Lacey because I can’t figure out why things are so weird. It is genuinely weird. I am a bit racist. It scares me. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be inferior to you to that degree so it’s just-it’s weird. I have a feeling you might actually agree with me. It’s just fucking creepy.

But is it intermarrying or some evil plot because it Hass to be something it can’t just be a key cannot just be that they’re here where is it see what it what the hell would you even be is it that we cursed ourselves as white people or is it that intermarrying became a problem like 100 years ago in the United States There are people who sometimes could I really crave you so but Jewish or is it some sort of plot? I don’t know but it scares me it makes you wonder because it feels it feels like something went really wrong with evolution and I ate I don’t know what it was, but it bothers me. I don’t want to be myself, in this way, I would like to be a slightly different person like myself, but just different. I don’t actually like help which I could be. Sometimes I would like to be more feminine I would like to be completely straight, and I think I would rather be a slightly less aggressive person, and be a little more reticent like you, I just I don’t like myself I’m too assertive I’m too masculine. I am bisexual and it it seems like I embraced it and I did to a degree but it was always a little weird to me. I mean I was always OK with it but it was also just a little weird, I’m not a lesbian or am I I am probably more bisexual to be honest I do I like men I do I find men attractive I just I think I don’t like how masculine I seem a part of. It is my size I’m a big person I’m big I’m tall I’m a big woman and I hate that about myself. I wish I was smaller and more feminine, I like how curvy I am, but I don’t like how big I am I would lose half my curving us to just be smaller. I hate how huge I feel. I hate how angular my chin is. I hate how I look I hate myself I hate myself. I hate myself actually hate myself, and I mean I try not to, and their parts myself that I love, but if I could be more feminine and more white and more round, but still be myself, that would be lovely to still be, you know, feisty, and be me, but just be a hell of a lot more like levelheaded and nice by nature, and just not so I just like I’m too masculine.

Did you know that about me?

“Slightly.” says Lacey.

And I suppose it’s just obvious that someone like you oh, you just know that wow your parents probably would too.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

Oh wow, I fucked up.

Oh yeah, I I think I screwed up your life out of spite, because I was so hateful and jealous of you because you’re what I would like to be as a human and I was psychotic in doing that. Because it’s not just narcissistic and I think you know that it could be but I kind of doubt it. I have a feeling that there were some thing a little insane about it in a way that’s not entirely narcissistic. Why do you think I hate you so much?

“ oh, I think you were getting to the bottom of it when you said that I scare you if you said that.” says Lacey.

“Casi, I don’t think you like her from the horror films I think you do I think a part of you makes shit up sometimes just to seem cool OK I think you are that evil and perverse but I think at the end of the day you also make crap up to try to seem cool.” says Lem.

I hear that could be true and Lacey knows that too you know did I even have it out for you?

“No, you didn’t. I mean you did and you didn’t at the same time.” says Lacey.

What happened?

“ and I made an enormous mistake. I trusted Stephanie and I should’ve never done that.” says Lacey.

oh, she’s not like the rich Asian girls you knew in high school or a college. I seriously think you thought she was subconsciously. So what happened?

“I she he she she oh, she acted like she empathized with me. You’re very annoying her you were and I used to confide in her about you, and she acted like she understood and she empathized with me but I don’t think she really didn’t necessarily at all.

So I made a joke with her and like I should just try to piss her off somehow her being you I was like I should just try to piss. I should try to piss Casi off somehow and she was like how are you gonna do it like I don’t know and I do if I told Stephanie this or or if I just told her I’ll think of something but the idea was to piss you off using my ring, but it wasn’t because you were getting married necessarily I don’t think at all it was even related to that it was actually coincidental, possibly almost entirely.

Oh, and maybe Stephanie just didn’t think that I would make a mistake like that or maybe she was sort of egging me on because she wanted me to make a fool of myself. I don’t know like I don’t know, but I don’t think I am I don’t follow her she doesn’t follow me. She became sort of catty towards me after a while at least it felt like that and I started to get hurt and she see me we had all these conversations behind my back with people who hated me and I couldn’t figure out why she was being everyone’s friend, who supposedly hated me or why it was like she was being so catty it just it made me wonder if she was full of it and she actually hated me and she had just made up the fact that she was my friend but the thing is him know the idea was that I was going to hurt you with this ring that I was going to be getting But not really I don’t think hurt you so much is just piss you off because I think I thought that you deserved a sort of wake up call you were so lordly to me and so petty and so condescending you were constantly trying to pick a fight with me it was obnoxious and I don’t know what the hell you expected.

Oh all right, so if you have any amphitheater all him, you may feel bad for me based on what I’m about to tell you. My current legal husband um now right my current legal husband at the time was going to make me a ring inspired by a ring that was owned by my grandmother in the 1920s. Oh, and it would’ve been a rather large sapphire set in platinum. It would’ve been a gorgeous ring. And because he was trying to be with me, I was trying to be with him. We were trying to be happy in our marriage and actually be married. I but is the ring had always been a very tragic thing in our relationship. It was very symbolic of the fact that the marriage itself just was essentially impossible. It’s just I mean I am not with him. I have been with him now for over a year it’s been a few years But so doesn’t seem quite so painful anymore but at the time I mean it so it was excruciatingly painful but but I kept trying to have a real relationship with him and it just wasn’t working out so I was trying to have a real relationship and be happy and he kept promising me that I was going to get a really good ring that would be romantic and wonderful. Do you know really just a normal ring that a loving husband would give his wife, but he wasn’t capable of giving one to me, he just wasn’t. There’s always a reservation with it there’s always some thing that was just not quite genuinely loving. It was too cheap even if it was $1000 more than a rich person might spend on a ring you know like a $16,000 freight or something but then there will be something about it that would be too cheap or it would be given to me to thoughtless way. It’s just there’s there’s always something about it that symbolically was extremely hurtful.

Edit it was very heartbreaking to me because I knew that if my marriage didn’t work out, there was very little chance I’d ever be happy for the rest of my life.

Oh, because it’s just that there was there was no love in the world for me. That was likely if my marriage didn’t work out at that point it was like well if this doesn’t work I doubt they’ll ever find someone it’s possible I would’ve said no I don’t think it’s a sleep hospital but that was what 56 years ago I was still in my 30s and so it’s like no it’s possible I would’ve thought that there could be somebody I’m still in my 30s and so there was still some hope Credit didn’t seem likely and I was 100% white wasn’t night is that cool? I’m so fucking smart aren’t I!?

You know, I could’ve told you that you’d get married when you were about 15 because I am possibly brilliant at analysis at analyzing things which is why it has illuminati. Chyna talks to me and takes me seriously it’s not just the oil is that I am possibly a genius at analyzing things. And so no I mean I could’ve analyzed you and thought this woman’s going to get married and be very happy by the time that she’s probably in her 40s or 50s just from looking at you which is why I need a lot of proof that there’s an afterlife because I really am possibly that smart.

Oh no, you just you seem like someone who would marry someone and be happy at some point that’s your personality that’s yeah your aesthetic that’s just who you are. That’s how you fit into society that’s just who you are.

With me it was always going to either be I mean it was it was a it’s not even worth talking about. It’s just it’s it I can’t even talk about it OK but I knew by the time I was in my late 30s that it was bad it was looking really bad for me.

Frankly, I think F Scott Fitzgerald knew by the time I was 30 that it was toast, but that’s F. Scott Fitzgerald. No no he started talking to me when I was 30 because I think he knew that my life they got totally off the deep end the jump the shark it was just nuts and I think he actually might’ve found it slightly funny and I do too, and he wouldn’t say anything to writing out a blog, but isn’t it funny But no the idea was that I was going to hurt you with this rig but in this way, where it was like you were supposed to have this eye-opening awakening that you were kind of an asshole and that you hurt people and that you’re really that you’re not that nice of a person and yet you told me that and that’s bullshit I am an incredibly nice person. I am very loving. I have possibly an amazingly loving to your heart and you don’t Casi. You have a shit fucking heart when it comes to lotta people you’re a total fucking piece of shit. And it’s a choice and your fucking trap. Mother is the same fucking way I am I’m sure your grandfather is an asshole and so is your fucking shit grandmother guess what you don’t have a fucking right necessarily care because I’m telling you that because I give a fuck about your soul you’re welcome you bitch.

What’s up with the hell told you you are a good person you’re not you dumb ass?” says Lacey.

“ my family has told me that other people have told me that too in life.” says Casi.

“ yeah a bunch of southern backward fucking jack ass Hicks probably have told you that happened today. You know who else has told you that people who who fall for your bullshit like Misty you cheated on her didn’t you you little? Oh my word are you ever faithful? No sweetie? I have a sense of hot people like you. You remind me of the Kennedys I have a feeling you haven’t been faithful to anyone in your entire life, I bet you cheat in every relationship you’re in and you probably flirt with people all fucking day of every gender you’re not a faithful person I don’t are you even capable of it?” says Lacey.

“ my family might not be that bad I have to correct you there.” says Casi.

“Well and if that’s true then I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“ oh, no, I’m not I’m not faithful you’re right I’m not I’m not faithful to people. I think I possibly could be a I think I possibly could be, but it is hard for me it is.” says Casi.

“ yeah I know I feel sorry for you with that because I think you’d like to be happier than that.” says Lacey.

“ I would I wonder if his partner is and why you bothered me too because you’re so you’re your self yeah you’re so faithful in know it’s like you know you’re straight. Yeah you’re obviously straight it’s not me I can just tell you’re straight but like you’re so faithful and it’s a You’re to Faith, Lacey your way to fucking faithful.” says Casi.

“ I know no I know I am but then you’re supposed to be faithful you’re supposed to be faithful in Christ Casi so I have no there’s no math. There’s no spiritual math in the Bible that I can think of. There’s nothing I can do which is why I get so pissed off at what because I don’t know how to correct the situation I don’t know what to do. I am in a sense in my heart. I have been trying to be faithful to him but I’m not able to be because he’s been so mean maybe in advertently and then someone like you would probably just say fuck you and then go to sleep with somebody else, and really meet us, and move on in a way that I can’t. I move on away baby that you can’t, but you move on over in a way that’s heartless it’s really genuinely heartless I can’t be that heartless with people I am not capable of being that heartless, I I care about people too much I care about them maybe the way the car does but I’m not God, so I don’t know how much to turn that off I can’t turn that off that’s just who I am I’m not Jack reincarnated him. If humans were were gods, I’m God and he’s the devil he’s some sick imitation of me I am not trying to say that that’s what we are though. How about that and I actually hope he’s not in hell for eternity, but I can’t turn it off. There’s nothing I can do so I can’t be heartless towards him even though I have a feeling, he might deserve it because if he was being carnation, he lived a life that was beyond heartless towards me, it was arguably one of the most disgusting things he could’ve ever done. The only thing worse that he could’ve done would probably have been to the last children otherwise what he did with his life was arguably one of the most disgusting things he could’ve done to me if there’s reincarnations, if there’s not reincarnation is still with that it’s almost that disgusting and he never seems to quite understand that I’ve I love him and I don’t think I can probably be with anyone else but I, I lose patience and I start getting scared in a way that’s bizarre or evil and I don’t think it’s my evil because I don’t think I’m supposed to be quite that scared because him love doesn’t seem to understand what he did and I can’t be heartless enough to get him to get it because that’s not what we have together like I can’t. I can’t reject him in a way that helps him understand how hurt I actually am, I’m just telling him that I am hurt doesn’t work and I know that that’s partially just the way he thinks and who he is so I have no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to do anyway, I was trying to hurt you with that ring yeah you were supposed to have some sort of awakening where you realize that you had person and it was supposed to be really helpful and I’m sorry that it didn’t work out probably would have worked anyway so there you go.

I know your ring from your husband is just a silly rain from a Mall jeweler just so you know it’s really not that special but it’s sparkles how stupid what are the hell does a ring have to sparkle I mean it does that that does have a certain beauty to it but rings don’t always have to sparkle you know like a ruby doesn’t necessarily sparkle emerald don’t necessarily sparkle, so the sparkle is great, but there are other things that gemstones can do other than just sparkle.

Oh that’s great do you have a glittering your ring is glitter you have a pretty cute girl, girly glittering, which fits your aesthetic I think with the whole lipgloss you know and was it cherry cola that you put in your hair, so yeah, it fits your aesthetic, cherry cola and lipgloss, you know, and then your what was it Lapetite, Rob, noir and other musky sense of smell like shampoo you’re very girly and that way it’s very millennial so your ring definitely sparkles in it in a way that sort of charming and I’m actually quite happy for you. It’s nice to see people happy believe it or not I don’t think you you’ve ever had a chance to enjoy that life and that’s actually sad so there’s that’s why I feel bad for you and I hope that when you die are able to experience that with other people um if there’s something wrong with you if you’ve chosen not to and you’re evil that oh heck, but if you has the right thing to even say, but if you have some thing wrong with you then I hope someday when you die you’re able to actually enjoy other peoples happiness. It’s really fun it really is it’s it’s an interesting thing. It’s like it’s not your happiness but there’s something about it. That’s just really cool to see and it it isn’t necessarily even selfish. Yeah it’s like I’m trying to describe sex to you when you’ve never experienced sex and I’m not trying to be inappropriate. I’m just try to find an analogy that works because it’s like how do you how do I explain this to you? It’s like it’s really fun to enjoy the peoples happiness with them but it’s not. It’s not selfish I don’t think entirely there could be a little self selfishness in there, but I don’t I don’t think it’s entirely selfish. I think there’s something else not everyone experiences sadly and it’s its own thing. It’s like it isn’t give-and-take even it’s just like being a part of other peoples lives. It’s really hard to explain but which is actually disturbing. Why isn’t there something in our vocabulary to explain that it’s a little creepy but with you hopefully you’ll enjoy that someday because there’s something edifying about enjoying it it’s not it’s not evil it’s not like oh this is just all about me. There’s something about it that’s really fun and it’s yeah I actually have enjoyed seeing you happy. I don’t think you knowing that I think that I was thinking the opposite which is so fucking stupid it annoys the hell out of me like what the fuck you’re not necessarily that dumb, so what the hell did you even think that, I mean I’m I could be hurt and insulted but I’m really more just annoyed because what the fuck why the hell did you think I would be like what logic were you using?

Him so yeah anyway I hope that you experience that someday and enjoy it but no arm yeah no it’s actually been fun to see you happy when you were still posting inside your account and I am yeah I don’t know I don’t even it’s like I don’t there I don’t know what the Hells going on with him but Mark, I don’t expect a ring from him anymore. I know the funny thing is if there’s reincarnation I really wonder if he’s saying Augustine and then I have a very strong sense that there was a woman in that life who is stills just madly in love with.

And I have a feeling that she is the reason why I don’t have a ring because I don’t think he’s been able to stop thinking about her and his subconscious. I don’t think he’s ever gotten over her so it’s disturbing because that’s not now that was a light that was a long time ago and there was no way for me to know that and I was devastated but I feel bad because I don’t I don’t think he realized what he was doing to me, or even does now Entirely and I think it just is so natural to him because I think she still so dear to his heart that he can’t give me a ring he just can’t those are her rings but then what the hell am I supposed to do?” says Lacey.

“Why the fuck did I think I could be your friend? I suck at analyzing anything!” says Casi.

And at that tons of Jack Kennedy’s residual energy is sucked into Hell where he is. All over the world.

And a weird rumbling sound can be heard in the depths of the ocean near Seattle. Is it preventing an earthquake or causing one? It’s unclear to Lacey.

Jack wasn’t an Earth sign. He wasn’t a water sign. But he tried to impersonate one and he’s so enabled and disgusting, arguably one of the most hideous humans to ever exist, that Earth itself is repulsed by him. Or no?

No? Well…God knows either way.

What’s or who’s writing this? Me. Who’s me? Casi’s grandfather? Mm. Maybe slightly. But also Lem.

We can’t stand Jack. Stop trying to make us love him against our wills.