“The Truth” by Lacey Banks Billings

Feels Like We Only Go Backwards by Tame Impala plays.

You’re going to have to imagine Pete Campbell as a woman to imagine Lacey.

Imagine if Pete Campbell was a woman who was told by Roger Sterling, when Roger Sterling got drunk that her husband was in a sexual relationship with Sal, and that this song was written by them to describe anal sex, and the hurt that they imagine her having and that they both get off on as they’re fucking each other.

“Are they imagining me crying?” scoffs Lacey Campbell.

“Lacey that’s the whole fucking point of the song is to make you cry.” says Roger Sterling seriously.

“What the fuck!” says Lacey, irate.

“You’re not weird they just don’t understand aristocracy Lacey. You’re Dutch old money right? Is it on your father or your mother’s side?” asks Roger Sterling.

“Now you’re turning on me too?” asks Lacey.

“Well, no. No, I just I can’t remember.” says Roger Sterling.

“You know, my mother was a stewardess on an airplane and she was hot.” says Lacey.

“So…you’re mad!” says Roger Sterling.

“Why the fuck did you have to bring up my mother’s middle class Norwegian ancestry at this particular moment?” says Lacey, glaring.

“Oh shit because now I sound like I’m in a gay relationship with the three of them too don’t I?” asks Roger Sterling.

“My you’re clever, my goodness you’re clever. Yes, good grief! Did you get a doctorate in psychology!?” says Lacey.

“Yeah, no I did not and now you’re going to think that I’m turning on you! Ah…shit, shit, shit, shit!” says Roger Sterling.

“What the hell do they expect of me? To go shoot them both in the face while they fuck each other to that song?” says Lacey.

“Actually yes. I think that’s exactly what they were hoping for.” says Roger Sterling.

“You know I’d do that but then they’d get the wrong impression about the universe and about God and about the meaning of everything and I can’t do that to them.

I’d like to take apart Joe’s body and destroy him. He thinks he’s infinitely better than me and the entire relationship with him is to prove that he’s superior to me. The entire relationship for Sal is to prove that he’s superior to me. They’re obsessed with proving they’re superior to me. They’re obsessed with me! Their entire fucking relationship revolves solely…in a sense…around me.

When the fuck did I ever consent to that? I am so fucking sick of people having imaginary delusions about me without ever even bothering to find out if there’s any validity to it at all.

No, it’s disgusting. There’s no excuse for it.

I exist. I own myself and God owns me and if you can’t handle that go to Hell!” yells Lacey.

And at that Roger Sterling hands Lacey a popsicle. She rolls her eyes at him.

“Is that a Dreamsicle?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says Roger.

“I don’t care if you’re insulting me I love Dreamsicles.” says Lacey. So she sits and eats her Dreamsicle in Don’s office.

“Oh my God! Lacey is so fucking stupid.

I know she’s so fucking hurt by Joe.

I don’t understand why she’s sitting there eating that popsicle.

It’s probably arousing to Roger or something. Except she’s not even fool. I’m a fool. No…she’s more of a a shell of a human being longing to be a whole body.” says a secretary to another secretary, but Don overhears.

“Actually I don’t think she gives a fuck!

I think you’re the one who cares!

Go back to your desk, you weird bitch!” says Don Draper, genuinely freaked out by her.

She looks embarrassed. She walks back to her desk and looks happier and more content.

Later.

“I am baffled as to why exactly you think I need to divorce Joe as quickly as possible?” says Lacey at her desk.

“Because Pete! He’s after your money!” says Lacey’s lawyer.

“Peter? No, that’s my father not me!” says Lacey.

“Oh my god, you’re angry and you’re absolutely right to be.

I think you need to take a trip to my office as quickly as possible.” says the lawyer.

“Alright I’ll be there as soon as can be arranged.” says Lacey.

“He’s Lacey! I almost just called you Pete too, but he’s here!” says Roger, charging into Lacey’s office.

“How the fuck do I get rid of this jackass!?” says Lacey.

Roger looks grim.

Lacey breathes quickly and heavily and panics in the manner Pete did.

“Are you prepared for battle?” Lacey asks Roger.

“What exactly do you have in mind?” asks Roger, looking at Lacey sexily.

“Don’t get attached to me. This is just between workplace compatriots.

Oh Roger, I can’t explain it to you. We’ll just have to start making-out.” says Lacey.

“Ah…well…um alright. But you’ll have to explain it to Mona!” says Roger.

“I will, but we’re still going to have to make it seem believable. I’m sorry you’re just going to have to grin and bear it.” says Lacey.

And at that, “Would you please have Joe come into my office?” says Lacey to her secretary.

“Oh God! Lacey he’s going to know that we’re not really kissing!” says Roger.

“Roger I can’t think of anything else! So we’re just going to have to go with it and hope that it works!” says Lacey.

And so at that Roger and Lacey, who’s still just as sexy and beautiful as this character, start making-out.

Joe walks in.

Sees them.

Grabs Roger and pushes him back and so smiling, Roger punches him in the face. Joe stumbles and then crumbles when Joe gets punched in the gut.

“I’m sorry you didn’t know it but turns-out I’ve been sleeping with Roger for about four years.” says Lacey, dramatically.

Joe falls forward.

“I wasn’t ever going to tell you given the amazing amount of intimacy that you and I have shared as friends and lovers both. but I suppose that’s just how things go isn’t it? Yes, sometimes that’s just how things go.

I’m so sorry you weren’t supposed to see that.

Listen, how about we just call it a truce and you take your love and I take mine and we go our separate ways?” says Lacey, primly.

“Truth is Lacey has also been dating a very good friend of mine and I’m a little worried that she should be honest with me about that.” says Roger.

“Well, I certainly hope that you’re not offended by how kind and loving and amazing and sweet he can be.” says Lacey to Roger.

“Oh well I have lots of friends like that…but no thank you. He’s not offensive.

Let’s not talk about that right now…that’s between you and I to discuss later Lacey.” says Roger.

“How long have you been sleeping with Roger?” asks Joe, accusingly.

“Joe, you have a temper and Roger’s right there and I have a gun in my desk.” says Lacey.

And at that she calls her secretary.

“Mallory…I would like you to call the police to have Joe escorted out with Sal. I shant think they will be working here much longer. Perhaps there’s another company somewhere far away where they can find something to do or maybe Sal can just be Joe‘s little friend.” says Lacey.

“I am astonished! You lie better than I do!” says Joe to Lacey.

“It’s not lying. I was afraid you’d kill me.” says Lacey.

“Lacey and I work together Joe.

Her father has given her everything.

There aren’t that many women who work and your wife is extraordinarily beautiful. So what did you expect of me?” says Roger.

“You have been satisfying your sexual appetites with my wife’s body and her thin, supple, sexual, curvy frame how often!?” asks Joe.

“Oh, twice a week at least!” says Roger.

“Now Roger! I feel bad. Joe I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“And do you care that I was sleeping with Sal at all? We wrote a whole song about it! We even found a woman to cry in the background who sounded like you! We coached her for hours.” says Joe, irate.

“Joe, I am hurt. I am. I am hurt.

But I thought you were almost entirely heterosexual. So discovering that you’re homosexual at all makes me feel as though I don’t really know you…and that’s just a start. Beyond that you totally betrayed me. Why do you expect me to give a fuck about you anymore at all?” says Lacey.

“ Lacey, you were never supposed to hear that in this office there are still laws on the books about men like me it’s called sodomy Lacey I picked up a bit of a eccentric exotic habit while I was in England. Remember Pat Wilson, I have affairs with her as well and we used to have sex all the time, she used to put things in my ass like her fingers and toys and I used to put my cock in her ass.

So see you’re supposed to be hurt.

I’m sorry you’re too much of a fucking lunatic or lacking in femininity to understand that.” says Joe.

“ I don’t like femininity I’m just not an Irish piece of shit like you some Irish people aren’t shitty sweetie and then some of them are the snakes who drove you out of Ireland Saint Patrick it just took a while you have to be born first somewhere else because your father is a snickers, and he kind of looks like one with us, beady little blue eyes, and you have the same eyes you’re really just a snake aren’t you a very evil disgusting snake from hell just like your father, pretending to be a man, so let me explain something to you about what it means to be a woman and a human because you don’t think you understand that.

And I’m not hurt by you that’s your fantasy you’re not even a snake you’re a worthless piece of shit and I’m not saying that because I’m hurt I’m saying that because I mean it and I’m pretending to be that hurt so that you can just not hurt me and by not just hurt me I mean I don’t want you to kill me I don’t want you to kill Roger. I don’t want you to go get a machine gun and start fucking everyone over with it or do some thing criminal like your father would do, you and your whole fucking family weirdos should be locked up in jail. I’m not hurt by you I’ve already explained I know I found out that you’re far beneath me to the point where I wonder why you even exist and if you think I care about you I don’t know how you’re human. It makes me doubt the existence of God and yet I know he excess so he has a lot to answer for. Would you like me to slice you up and throw you in the river and feed you to the fish or were they all vomit from your worthless nothing?” says Lacey.

“ what the hell am I supposed to say to that?” says Joe.

“ do you want to be hurt? Here’s my gun show go fucking shoot yourself in the head and shoot Celtic is that the drama you’re looking for you little bitch.” yells Lacey.

“ i’ve hurt you only mildly because I’m clearly not who you thought I was you thought you were married to a heterosexual, sweet and loving not some jack ass who is a criminal from Ireland.” says Joe.

“ bingo bitch do you want to fucking shoot yourself because I have the CIA and FBI on your ass right now look behind you your father will probably be indicted and sent to jail in the next couple of months. Don’t think that the US government doesn’t want to throw you all behind bars and take your money from you.” says Lacey.

“ then I’ll just take it from you.” says Joe.

“ then let them I was in love with you I actually do you have a soul that’s far superior to yours possibly and let me tell you something if they take my money honey I do have a gun and I’ve hated this country since I became a country. This is my country you forget my people were here before any of you little peasant bitches showed up.” says Lacey.

“ we’re not all peasant bitches of us are just peasants.” says Roger.

“ yes Roger darling I know I don’t want you to have to kill yourself as a Catholic but I don’t think you realize how stupid you and Sal actually are and I mean that I am hurt at least in part because I’m insulted that you think I’m such a lovely piece of shit as a human being.” says Lacey.

“ Lacey, Jack’s wife was devastated when she found out about Lem.” says Joe.

“Lem who?” says Lacey.

“ Lem’s Billings. He doesn’t see our family so much anymore but for a while he was sleeping with Jack. The way I have slept with cell. Fuck you actually care about me as a friend. Dammit I’ve ruined my life fine I think you’re my best friend I think Sal is my wife.

He’s so jealous of you it’s like I was having affair with you every once in a while.

And I’m not a worthless piece of shit completely. I’ll I’ll go to confession don’t worry.

No lame Billings. I think Rogers of November likes his you’ve seen him. I know you where have I seen you you’ve seen him!” says Joe.

“ I slept with Lem in College!” says Lacey.

“ he’s older no he’s yet use a year younger than me that was after Jack knew him.” says Joe.

“ yes but then my father said that you were a better match for me and I trusted him and so I was with you and I told lame that I couldn’t be with him because my father did not permit it and he was devastated but he knew that if my father didn’t permit it, then it might not be safe for me and he’s been writing me. Love letters every Christmas he sends me a love letter.” says Lacey.

“ those are Christmas cards to both of us because of Jack he sends love letters to everyone, including Jack.” says Joe.

“ I don’t think he addresses Jack as his dearest feather of love.” says Lacey.

“ his dearest feather of love!??” says Joe.

“ Joe yes if you must know, I wore feathers for him once did Jack everywhere feathers for him over his tits?” asks Lacey.

“ you’ve never dress like that for me once, and all of the five years that we’ve been married.” says Joe.

“ oh well maybe I just don’t wanna fuck you as much as I wanted to fuck him or Roger or his friend and I don’t wanna hate you. Please take him away my lawyers lawyers will contact you. I hope you’ve had fun trying to make shit of my life, and make sure of my face and make sure of me entirely you’re not superior to me and either cell, please try desperately to understand that at some point in eternity.” says Lacey.

And at that the police escorted Joe away.

“ I am not a fucking criminal. I resent the accusation that I am a criminal of that my family are Irish criminals we did bootlegging we did and we have actually possibly kill people and yeah, I’ve stolen money from people and yeah I knew the ad was made, I live I’ve broken the law far more than anyone will ever be able to find out, I have a criminal OK so shoot me right where you shot my family we bought the election. No shit we’re criminals. No fucking shit. No fucking shit. We’re criminals Hillary.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior who has been reading this post on Cheryl’s laptop.

“ Lacey didn’t just end up for herself for the first time sweeties that’s just his personality and that’s her personality. It’s delusional to keep minimizing her and loving you need to stop at a lot of other people too.” says the CIA to the readers.

“ I am is that what would’ve happened?” says The Sal.

“ yes sell I’m sorry you fucking you funny fuck you bitch I don’t. I’m trying to say to you. I’m sorry I’m sorry for swearing. Eric those words if I should, and use his name yes sell yes yes so that’s what would’ve happened.” says Lacey, annoyed.

“ what the fuck that cannot be who she is because if that’s who she is and she’s better than me and I’ve been just imagining who she was that she was someone else’s whole fucking time does not feel sort of insecure but it’s like psychotic like why the hell do I need to do that?” asks Jack.

“ yes residual energy that is a very good question it’s terrifying. Isn’t it to realize that humanity hasn’t progressed quite as fast as far as I thought.” says Lacey. “ I know it can still be the end times. It’s just depressing that this is as far as we ever got in a way because you don’t really have the control over things that you thought you did or not and some post God era that could be a psychotic delusion.”

“ and I am I am speechless.” says The Sal.

“ i’m too, I I wasn’t expecting her to react like that.” says Athalia Ponsell.

“ since when did you become a worthless bitch?” Lacey asks Athalia.

“ since I realized how much more old money in wealthy you are authentically than me. We were rich, but we were nothing like you we were pieces of shit potentially to some degree compared to you, and I have very little sympathy for people who are that much better than me I’m an eagle testicle maniac I could be in hell, but I’m not and I was killed because I was a horrible person. My husband might’ve killed me, but it’s because I was fucking around with lots of men not just him and he knew that, I was having problems with bleeding related to being very promiscuous. I had a sexually transmitted disease and I got it from unprotected sex. I also used to sniff glue to lose weight and stay trip and then I got addicted to it as I aged because it got me high and I liked getting high off glue Off her I wasn’t molested by anybody and so being a spoiled brat with a weak conscience and choosing evil, I decided to just indulge and getting high wherever and whenever I could I was a heartless person probably a little bit sociopathic or malignant narcissist people think I am nice, and I’m not You actually are I pretended to be you possibly after I died and do you honest with you and might’ve been intentional because I’m just so fucking miserably impressed by you. I have a peasant shit compared to you genetically Lacey and I wanna eat you. I’m like a cannibal compared to you.

I got them today what perfume after me that you want to wear I have a fuck out of. Had fun torturing you and we all have because we’re such worthless pieces of shit. I am a descendent of a queen yeah OK, but in some crap way.

We know how to act like we’re like you, but the truth is we are the scum of the earth, and we came to America is the chance to get rich.

America is a crabapple ha I need pretended that we were really good didn’t we. We fooled a Lotta babies and a lot of other people with our shit. Are used to kill my kids when they came into my room because I am a miserable, icky old fucking nothing. No, I have some thing to be a baby I shouldn’t have ever been created, but God loves me I guess.

I am sorry to all of you that I appeared beautiful I was a lovely baby to, and I could’ve been loved and I was, but I chose to be a dog.

Don’t worry God‘s going to sort it out, but it might mean killing people like me who are alive right now.

I don’t think America knew what it was doing, when it pretended to be Jesus on earth.

And actually, I’m starting to wonder if we really did crap some thing because America is what God promised the world and then this happened and I’m a part of it and shit did I ruin the only nice thing that ever happened to the entire fucking a face of humanity just because I could sad that I was ugly compared to one woman?” asks Athalia Ponsell.

“ you might have.” says God.

“ yeah yeah OK so I guess then maybe I’m going to go to hell too?” asks Athalia.

“ and you might you might.” says Lacey.

“ and I don’t think we realized how dumb we were for being so evil and I don’t think we realize a God existed and cared about you in a way we knew he loved us because why wouldn’t he but I don’t think we realize that he might love you too damn or children, or anything that ever bothered us at all.” says Athalia.

“ yeah OK ha ha yeah OK so basically you’re a miserable piece of shit and you want me to be hurt, but I’m not as hard as you hoped it would be because your entire life revolves around me that’s very hard to believe because I can’t believe people would be collectively that stupid.” says Lacey.

“ why is that stupid?” asks Athalia.

“ why are you obsessed with me? I have never been that obsessed with probably anything what the fuck what the fuck are you obsessed with?” says Lacey.

“Umm…shit maybe it was totally insane.” says Athalia.

“ oh yeah it is insane. It’s completely insane.” says Princess Diana.

“You really are a rare beauty though.” says Athalia.

“ yeah but it still doesn’t really make sense Athalia it. It makes some sense but being obsessed with someone who you’re not really genuinely connected to almost at all to that degree just because they’re better than you is bizarre.” says Lem.

“ we were all like that we were all like that.” says Joe.

“ Joe stop talking to my wife you don’t really understand her necessarily you you do but I’m not sure that I want you to. I would like to understand her the way that you do because I actually love her I don’t think you love her at all and you’ve been fooling her all these years into thinking that you did and maybe you did slightly sweetie but not that much, because you’re you’re not really loving her you love a little tiny part of her head it is who she is but it’s a very small part of it and you know that you’re doing that she had no idea that you were the totally different person than who you are.” says Lem.

“ OK so I didn’t have an obsession with Lacey until after I was dead I don’t think?” says Athalia.

“ well, if there’s reincarnation in the Bible, that’s not true before she was brought back, you used to try to chattel her you were into witchcraft azalea, and you started doing weird things hurt you yeah you you really did you started channeling her in ways that were a huge violation of her soul so I would say you actually were obsessed with her, but you didn’t hardly know it. Where is now you know it before it was so much subconscious even if there’s not reincarnation, it might’ve been and became conscious, but there might not be rain Carnation.” says a demon.

“ oh, OK so basically we were evil to assume that we would be able to affect you that way.” says The Sal.

“ yes and actually you don’t seem to understand you really don’t affect anyone that way necessarily what is it that gay men have this fetish with I wasn’t gay but it seems like you have a fetish where you think you can hurt women almost like their children, I’m beginning to think that gay men really are child abusers who like to imagine that women are children.” says Lem Billings.

“ OK and it’s complicated.” says The Sal.

“ you don’t Lacey actually is loved by me so don’t reference the love that a mother would have for her and the tears that she cries when she’s being vulnerable. She’s never been that vulnerable around out in that way some people could be devastated but would you even want to devastate those people, what is it that you’re trying to really get out of her?” asks Thee Mother Mary.

“ know someone who would fall apart in tears and cry based on the song that we made up is not somebody who I actually would’ve done that to I like those people on I’m like that myself and I always thought that’s what it meant to be human and I’m realizing now that’s bullshit and it’s actually kind of a peasant mentality. It’s like I’m a victim and I’m weak and they’re finding it out. That’s a part of it and she can experience that because she’s not like that.

It’s poverty it’s about poverty, so when I have some thing like that, taken away from me, and that way, I start crying about my own poverty is not just about being hurt. I am crying about being poor as a child.

And I actually bourgeois people are new money people are the same way old money people possibly actually literally can experience that because they’ve not been poor for what 1000 years so it’s evolved out of that you guys don’t have that experience so you can’t cry over your poverty this is stupid as fuck.

Oh my God help us this is so fucking stupid!

I don’t think Lacey could cry like that over anything but God himself and that way.

Because she has too much faith to believe that she’d have no love in that way. She has Jewish faith in God and then she could cry over God but that’s because that’s where her that’s where everything comes from to her and I am too backward to have figured that out.

Am I think people could also be elite and cry over people but I wonder if it’s more common for it to be something related being peasant maybe it’s not always, but it’s probably more common.

Um, OK so um I’m not this good person I killed a little boy accidentally but anyway wow OK and it wasn’t in a good way except I really didn’t it was Joe fuck dammit why do I want to white? What am I trying to get out of her arm I wanted her to admit that she was poor, because I had a delusional fantasy that she was, and I just couldn’t understand it. It was almost sexual nature, I think I’m sexually aroused by imagining that Lacey is poor.” says The Sal.

“ a lot of people in America, who are poor a lot of poor people have that fantasy that they love the fantasy that rich people are poor and that they’re secretly the rich ones a lot of poor people who are a little bit dysfunctional psychologically have that problem because they don’t really know what it’s like to be rich and so imagine that the rich and rich people are poor, makes them feel sexually empowered.” says Athalia.

“ I yeah and I took it to a perverse level. A lot of us did with Lacey.” says The Sal

“ is this done now!?” asks Louis.

“ yeah I also don’t appreciate how you keep referencing me I am I’m not gay I’m really not so I’m not gay and I think that it’ll be a very long time until we’re seeing a lot of you and heaven if you’re not in hell for eternity.” says Lem. “ people love, madman sell, but I’m not surprised that it had a crappy ending, and that Matthew Weiner was accused of sexual abuse because you were a part of it and you’re that bad of a person. Unfortunately you could’ve made it a little less antagonistic towards reality, and it would’ve been so much better.

I’m not surprised that you had her in England when Lane Price committed suicide or if that wasn’t you that was a warning before Queen Elizabeth died. They knew she was dying. They knew it they knew because she had bone cancer and they could see that it was starting to form way back in 2010 the debt I mean, so no really they could they could tell that it was a lining towards that so they knew she would die before she became 100 and something they knew she was gonna die a little prematurely, possibly and that she wasn’t likely to leave behind a legacy that would make sense to you in a way that was safe for you you were you were not supposed to have written the end of the show the way that it was written selves, supposed to come out of the closet because men like sell dead in their own way and you know that I didn’t because I wasn’t gay if Jack had loot, he would’ve too in his own way.

And Bobby might’ve come out of the closet if he had lived.

Quit telling Lacey that you’re mad at her if you are abuse victim, she cares if you’re using your pain or mine or to try to attack us right now that’s very interesting.

Joe, you targeted me you targeted me and had me molested by the priest for your son you ping him to confuse me did you?” says Lem.

“ yeah I did a guy thought that that would work and I found you sexually arousing when you were about 12 about 11 or 12. I’m at a pervert I’m a pedophile, but I wasn’t as bad as some people could be I would’ve molested you myself but I knew it was wrong, so yes, I paid the priest or the parish or which an illuminati to Kia control him to molest you and that I control the entire situation dramatically afterwards if there’s no illuminati I got into it in the 20s or 30s I doing that to you was really fun I love destroyed you I loved it.” says JP Kennedy.

“ Joe I hope this isn’t true. Lacey and I are shocked because it’s so fucking convoluted him. We’re just surprised by how convoluted it is it’s hard to believe but if that’s the case wow why me was because of how attractive I was?” says Lem.

“ no that was not why am it was it was because it was because I was very high. I hated you and I think I just instantly hated you I saw you and you piss me off and I thought that meant some thing there was a list of boys who lost their money in the stock market crash and you brought it, and that’s why I sent Jack to Choate to sexually attack you and why wanted him to have a fuck buddy basically him or to have some boy who he could screw kind of get it out of his system I know so I thought if it was real enough that he’d fall for it you know if he was if he could fuck a guy that he’d fall for it because I hate women and I thought women were you know dogs so I thought my girl he really fall in love with another man so I thought romance was a bunch of bullshit less if it was gay basically because I I hate women and I think I know everything.

So I had the idea that Jack would find someone authentic at Choate and you and just you know play around with it for a while and get over it but it I didn’t realize that I was picking you because you were my soulmate Lacey’s twin flame that’s why I hate you It’s over Lacey. I’m mad at you over Lacey, but I didn’t know that. So I found my soulmate by my hot salt, aristocratic, soulmate, twin flame, and decided to confuse the hell out of them and make him think he was gay with dip. They plotted at the plot of the whole thing them to confuse you they were Hearst lines. They were Hearst, everything they say to you they psychologically profiled you to figure out what you would fall for to make you think you were gay I was trying to steal your soul from you and make you gay to make you part of my cock and my sons cock to spite Lacey for arousing me so much in a way to and it just turns out I can’t make you gay and I can’t have Lacey at all now