“Skincare” by Lem Billings

“How much did you spend on skincare!?” says Casi.

“How much money was spent on those two posts?” asks Lem.

“No.” says Casi.

“Then what are you asking?” asks Lem.

Casi looks hurt.

“Casi what were you asking?” asks Lem.

She rolls her eyes.

“You wanna know! Come on!” says a Native American woman. “I’ll ask.”

“Yeah right.” says Lacey.

“How much was it? asks the Native American woman.

“$560.” says Lacey. “For both the AM and PM routine.”

“So am I just a loser, Lacey?” asks Casi.

“Yes. You’re a fat, ugly, narcissistic loser. Congratulations. You solved the riddle you slow bitch.” says Lacey. “Why don’t you kill yourself?”

Casi hesitates.

“Oh!! I know why! You’re a drug addicted, retarded ape from Hell.” says Lacey.

“Actually…I’m happy.” says Casi.

“Oh. Really?” says Lacey, intrigued.

Casi thinks. “No. It’s a cheap ass ring. But…he loves me.”

“Is it real?” asks Lacey, sincerely.

“YES!” says Casi.

Lacey looks worried. “I can’t tell nowadays completely. That gold is so lightweight it makes me wonder about the validity of the stones. You know I don’t think they’re GIA certified.”

“No. I know. But I figure they must be worth something.” says Casi.

“Well it sure is pretty.” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Casi, grinning. “It is.”

“Chris?” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Casi.

“Do you like that name?” says Lacey.

“Yes!!! …It’s a nice name.” says Casi.

“It’s so stoic.” says Lacey.

Casi nods. “Yes. But he’s not like that.”

“Be careful.” says Lacey.

“I don’t even what to know.” says Casi.

“He’s blond?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Casi, excited.

“Oh goody. You like blonds. Sometimes?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Sometimes.” says Casi.

“Why are we fighting?” asks Lacey.

“I don’t know. If I’m reincarnated I’m insane.” says Casi.

“So…if you’re reincarnated you’re insane right now?” asks Lacey.

“Right now. Yes.” says Casi.

“You used to be more genuinely happy.” says Lacey.

“What was that like?” asks Casi.

“You were very….evil at times. But…also very…genuinely loving and good. You were sleazy. But not really.

I insult you partially to save your honor.” says Lacey. “At least possibly.”

“So when I die I’ll be like, ‘Shit! That was bad.’” says Casi.

“Yes. And then you’ll hear me and be like, ‘Oh wow. We knew that.’” says Lacey.

“We begin the old 1800’s European aristocracy?” says Casi.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “In case you need that. If reincarnation exists.”

“But now I have you insulting everyone.” says Casi.

“Yeah. But not everyone.” says Lacey.

“Like who?” asks Casi.

“Queen Elizabeth II.” says Lacey.

“Oh. Is she nice?” says Casi.

“She’s a gorgeous person!!!” says Lacey.

“Oh how nice!” says Casi.

“Yes. She’s lovely.” says Lacey.

“But darling…you’re insulting…everyone.” says Casi.

“Oh. No. I’m not really.” says Lacey, laughing.

“No. You are.” says Casi.

“HOW!? They don’t even notice.” says Lacey.

“They’re here.” says Casi.

“So!? They never listen to me anyway!” says Lacey. “Maybe it’s my accent. Although some of them must be Scottish. …The liars.”

“Lacey. Who am I?” asks Casi.

Casi screams. Almost faints.

“Yes. If there’s reincarnation in the Bible…that’s very possibly you.” says Lacey.

Calming herself. “And you’re Scotia?”

“Yes! …I was also a Scottish aristocrat. By birth. But…I like war.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Swords.” says Casi.

“Yeah. It’s about honor.” says Lacey.

“I like that!” says Casi.

“Yes. Your people liked that. But we’re…fierce.” says Lacey.

Casi bites her fist. “YES! I’m sorry. I’m a narcissist right now.”

“You poor thing.” says Lacey.

“You scared me shitless.” says Casi.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“So this is why the dead Kennedys were so obsessed with Casi?” asks a reader.

“Yeah. $600 is nothing for skincare.” says Casi.

“It’s what it costs to have decent skincare.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. I know.” says Casi.

Lacey waits.

“I can’t afford that!” yells Casi.

“Not my responsibility. But you know…you still look good.” says Lacey.

“It’s not just the effectiveness. It’s the experience.” says Casi.

Lacey thinks. “I never analyze that. But I see what you mean. Sort of.”

“It’s the effectiveness for you?” asks Casi.

“Jack and my parents who raised me striped me of my glory as a woman in my last life and this one. Lem let them gut my soul.

And my father…was too old to raise me.” says Lacey.

Casi cries.

“So now I just focus on effectiveness. I’m Scotia.” says Lacey.

“Does Lem realize how much he fucked-up?” asks Casi.

“I hope so.” says Lacey.

“I do. And did.” says Lem.

“Then why is she still here!?” barks Casi.

“I needed to torture her more.” says Jack Kennedy.

“Why?” asks Casi.

“Because…I’m Lem’s Twin flame. OR…I was supposed to be.” says JFK.

“That’s a good joke, Jack.” says Casi.

“No. Really. It’s true.” says JFK.

“Mmm. Jack…you’re crazier than me.” says Casi.

“I’m not crazy!!! …I was US President.” says JFK.

“So WHAT!? Sweetie…I know what leaders are like. I know.” says Casi.

“You’re not that special!” says JFK, feeling a little threatened.

Shotput by Still Woozy plays for Lacey who died extremely drunk for Jesus’s glory on a London street in 1915 or so over Lem.

“Yeah. Loser! He sucked my cock!” says Jack who genuinely believed his own lies and thought Lem was madly in love with him.

“I bet Lemmers is crying over you.” says Ireland to Jack as they give Lacey the finger.

“Wow. Ireland has perverse sense of self!” says a herd of Roman warriors. “They’re batshit crazy.”

“But they are charming.” says Lacey.

“Yes. But what the fuck is this!?” says a Roman warrior.

“Lemmers was my lover.” says Jack Kennedy.

“Not really. He was your biggest victim.” says Casi.

“Yeah. I know.

*Jack smirks and smiles proudly*

He was my…captive.

‘Oh captive. My captive.’ jokes Jack.” He thinks he’s really cool.

“That’s gross.” says a Gen. Z man to Jack.

And at that Jack Kennedy disappears from embarrassment.

“Yeah. He never gave a fuck about Jack. In that way.” says a man in his 60’s.

“No. That’s so obvious.” says a woman in her 30’s.

“Why the hell do you dumbasses take the mythology so seriously?” asks the man of the gay community.

“Yeah. We should have just cut off Jack’s head.” says a dead Boomer. “I’m sorry. But when you die you find out how worthless family was.”

“Yeah. One of my least favorite things.” says another dead Boomer.

“I hate Jack Kennedy. He really was ugly.” says a Gen. Z gay man. “I mean…Holy Mary forgive me…but…yucky yucky poo spoo.”

“Why the fuck did Taylor Swift date his nephews?” says another reader.

“She was and is just a total slut.” says a Millennial woman. She laughs.

“Yeah. But she’s…fun.” says a Boomer woman dancing to Taylor Swift’s music.

“Oh dear God! …Taylor Swift is just a fun slut.” says a living gay man. “Why have we never admitted that before?”

“Because she’s smart.” says a Boomer feminist.

“Eww. Is that why?” asks a living gay man.

“YES!!” says another living gay man.

“We take the mythical idea of Jack’s heterosexuality and Lem Billings’s homosexuality…as…truth…because…we need….heroes.” says a living gay man. “We need them to be real.”