“Lacey’s Birthday II” by Lem Billings

“What do you want to do for your birthday?” asks Lem.

Lacey goes silent. She doesn’t respond.

“What do you want for dinner?” she asks.

“Pork chops. Scalloped potatoes. And…green beans.” says Lem.

“I’ll make that then.” she says.

“Do you hate your birthday?” asks Lem.

Lacey thinks. “It’s all tears and sadness.”

“Your birthday is all tears and sadness?” asks Lem.

Lacey doesn’t respond.

“So you’ve never had a good birthday?” asks Lem.

“I had one nice birthday. I saw the Nutcracker. …That’s the only nice birthday I’ve ever had.” says Lacey.

“What did you do for your 40th?” asks Lem.

Lacey thinks. “You know…I don’t even remember.”

“Your 30th?” asks Lem.

“I had a cake. And Eggs Benedict.” says Lacey.

“But your ex husband bought a Mercedes for your birthday.” say Lem.

“Oh! Yes. When I was 38!” says Lacey.

“But then I suppose that was the family car.” says Lem.

“Yes! It wasn’t my car.” says Lacey.

“Then how is it a birthday gift?” asks Lem.

“Well…because I got to enjoy it?” says Lacey. “I don’t know.

“Well…this year…it’ll be different.” says Lem.

“Fuck you!” says Lacey. Then she stands-up and walks out of the room.

I race into our bedroom.

“Lacey…no one has ever celebrated your birthday…so to speak. And…so…it’s just…sad.” says Lem.

He steps out of this.

Last year I couldn’t organize things well enough to give her a decent 40th birthday. I tried. But I was incapable of doing almost anything.

“Lacey…what did we do?” asks Lem.

“I don’t even remember.” says Lacey.

She tries to think.

“You got a refrigerator.

And you planted trees.

And that’s all.” says Lem.

“Yeah. But in the day itself…what even happened?” asks Lacey.

“Basically nothing special at all.” says Lem.

“I’d just stop celebrating my birthday completely but it’s difficult to do that.” says Lacey.

“I did use to make a big deal out of people’s birthdays in the Kennedy family. I’m sure they’ve possibly ruined your life like worthless parasites. Especially Jack. And I didn’t even give a damn the way they imagined. Not that that was my fucking fault. I didn’t mean any harm.

So even though it’s vile and it’s my fault…you’d rather not let me try. Because it’s too late. It’s too painful. And…as sad as it is…you’d almost like to just cancel your birthday?” says Lem.

“It’s what it is. But…after last year…why bother?” says Lacey. “It was so disappointing. Barely anyone cared. At all.”

“Did anyone even call you?” asks Lem.

“No. A few people texted. Like they have other years. But most of my Facebook friends just ignored me. Probably to feel good about themselves. Even though I go out of my way to be kind and genuinely wish people happy birthday. But what do they care? They’re too chill to be so good. That’s old fashioned bullshit to them?

No. Barely anyone gave a damn.” says Lacey.

“Did your kids give you anything?” asks Lem.

“No. They did not.” says Lacey. “But that’s not necessarily their fault.”

“Why don’t we care about you?” asks a reader.

“Yeah. Good question!” says God.

“It’s just fun.” says another reader. “She’s so much more naturally beautiful than us. So it’s just fun.”

“What!?” says a relative of hers.

What Is Love by Haddaway plays.

“Yeah. We do this!

Come on!

We shit in her face. And she has to let us. Because we’re cheap-ass trashy bullies. We use social protocol against her. To trap her into dealing with our hatred for her that we all have for our own petty reasons. We don’t have any clue how to be respectful. We’re scared of her and then we overcompensate with evil.

We’re evil.

But yeah. It’s fun.” says a reader.

“But that’s so evil.” says her relative.

“Yes.

But…it’s fun.” she says.

Skippy Handelman and Lem sit by a phone. Lem is drunk. It’s a dream in 1964.

“Call people for your wife’s birthday!!” says Skippy.

“I have a wife!?!” says Lem.

“You sure do!” says Skippy. He shows Lem a photo of her.

Lem looks at her.

“Now call her family and remind them it’s her birthday! Tell everyone you know and everyone you see that it’s her birthday! And be super fake happy about it. Like you were with Jack. Now!” says Skippy.

“Okay.” says Lem.

The Sign by Ace of Base plays.

It’s Lacey’s birthday and various relatives of hers are on Facebook are looking at her profile. One of her first cousins is reading her profile and decides to purposely ignore her birthday. She laughs at Lacey and grins.

Fifteen minutes later she closes Facebook and gets in her car.

She feels…happy. Why?

“Oh my GOD! She’s going to be so hurt today when she realizes I’m too busy and important and distracted with my better life than hers to give a fuck about her.” she dances in her seat. She feels good.

An hour or two later she’s still purring.

Why?

“I’ve always hated my teeth. And my nose. And my cheekbones. And my more narrow hips compared to hers. She’s far more intelligent and beautiful than me. So…it’s fun to be mean.” says her first cousin.

Lem calls her first.

He joyfully tells this first cousin that it’s Lacey’s birthday.

“Oh. Okay.” says the woman, confused.

Lem waits.

They both sit in silence.

“So it’s her birthday!” says Lem.

“Yeah!!” says her first cousin.

“So…are you going to call her or…will you be at the party?” asks Lem, assuming there’s a party.

“Ahh…no.

We can’t make it this year.

Umm…

Hey!! Tell her happy birthday!” she says, very sweetly.

“Okay.

Do you care!?” says Lem.

“Ahhh-“ says her first cousin.

Awkward silence.

“Okay. So…you don’t?” says Lem.

“Aww! Wow.

So tell her happy birthday.” says her first cousin.

Lem hangs-up.

Skippy smiles at him. Very eerily.

I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross plays.

“I’m calling her father.” says Lem.

“Hello!” says her father who raised her in a gay voice that’s real.

Lem is taken aback.

Lem gives his birthday spiel.

“Oh. Okay. Who are you?” asks the father who raised her.

“Her husband.” says Lem.

“Ahh…

Well..have a nice day?” says her father who raised her.

“It’s her birthday!” says Lem.

“Yes!! Gee. And I sent a card. So…” he says.

Lem hangs-up.

Skippy smiles.

We Are The World by U. S. A. for Africa plays.

“I’ll call her mom! says Lem.

Lacey’s mother who raised her answers.

Lem gives his spiel.

“Who is this!?!” she says.

“I’m her husband.” says Lem.

“No you’re not.” she says.

“Well…it’s her birthday.” says Lem.

“Yeah.” she says.

Lem hangs up.

Daylight by David Kushner plays.

“Lem. No one gives a real shit.” says Skippy.

“Oh. No. That’s not true.” says Satan.

Lacey laughs.

Lem looks confused.

Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin plays.

“No. They actually have fun.

Lots of fun…being mean.” says Satan.

And then before Lem’s eyes he sees all the people she knows who get high off hurting her driving in convertibles with the top down on a sunny day. Laughing. Dancing in their living-rooms. Saving money. Having…fun.

“Why?” says Satan. “Because they just find it hilarious to see her suffer. Why? Well…it’s sad for them to say it, but it’s mostly jealousy. They’re all extremely offended by how superior she is. And what’s worse is she’s genuinely very loving. She’s like a saint. And it makes them feel so bad about themselves they want to puke. So they get higher than a kite by being mean to her.”

A white, overweight, rather frumpy woman opens her mouth wide and laughs uproariously, wind in her hair. Cheerful. Gleeful actually.

Silence.

It’s 2024.

“Lem. This is why I HATED you.” says Gore Vidal. “HATED you.”

My Tears Are Becoming A Sea by M83 plays.

“You’re so STUPID!

And yet you weren’t supposed to be.

I knew you were incredibly interested in good. And God. And truth. And beauty. I knew you had a soul.

But you were far too happy. And I don’t mean really happy. You had too much fun.

Lem…there are people like me…and Lacey…who knew and know how awful everything is. How truly unhappy lots of poor, unfortunate people are. LOTS of innocent, incredibly sad people. And those sad people are everywhere.

So when you open your mouth and laugh…the way you did…it seemed so dense. So…cruel. So profoundly evil. Because no one is almost ever that happy. And it’s hard to see…people so damn happy…when you’re being slaughtered.

I hated the Kennedys secretly too at times. They were often more shallow than a wading pool.

But that’s life.

And Lem…it’s the people like you…the innocent, normal, real people who they use. To torture us. To torture people who care and aren’t trying to attack Jesus in Heaven using Irish Catholicism. They’re awful people.

And yet you were so damn happy. And maybe it wasn’t real. But I couldn’t completely tell. And all I could think was that you were either really stupid, or really evil. Because I couldn’t imagine you being that genuinely naive.” says Gore Vidal.

“I wasn’t that happy.

And I was that naive.” says Lem.

“But why!?” yells Gore. “YOU FOOL!!!”

Lem thinks.

“YOU FUCKING FOOL!!

Lem…if you’d had a girlfriend…for five fucking minutes you’d have realized real damn quick how vicious they are.” says Gore. “I don’t know if your sister and mother were bizarre or what. But most women are tortured.

Life is awful.

You had nothing to be that happy about the whole damn time. And yet you laughed like a buffoon anyway. And it irritated the Hell out of me.

You were so damn obnoxious.

Here you were this hunk. And Lord KNOWS you would have had a beautiful wife. With an asshole who had to be my brother-in-law. A total punk shit. But I had to be nice to him because he was my brother-in-law. Right? Or did you miss that too!?!?

No. I knew subconsciously that you were straight. And I just couldn’t stand it. Because wow! Why!? What a fucking asshole you were!

Jack is a rat face.

For real.

And then here you are…his co faggot-in-chief!? And you’re not even gay.

I think…if I’m giving myself credit…I worried for you. For your soul. …I worried for our country. I worried for my sister. I worried for her kids. I worried for…you. I worried for…Lacey. Even though I had no idea who she was.

Because…I knew…how miserable she was.

Clocks by Coldplay plays.

I knew that somewhere she’d be sitting around…like she is right now…alone without you. Because I actually found men attractive. And I knew who would go for you. Somehow. I think knew. …I was an author, I guess.

You are…what?

And you were going to make her happy? Ever? Ever again? HOW!?!

Lem…no straight men are that happy. In that way. At that age. It was disgusting. No gay men are either. It was entirely unnatural. It was vile. Jack kept you a child because he was a perverted, worthless human. But why did you let him?” says Gore Vidal.

“I didn’t notice. I had no idea how weird I was. I had no idea how weird I was.” says Lem. “I’m afraid I just wasn’t aware.”

“How!?!” yells Gore.

“I just…was spoiled. Rich and spoiled. I worked. But I didn’t see…reality. Because I felt…hopeful.” says Lem.

“When did you start to realize how bad your life was?” says Gore.

“Over time. And then in my late 50’s I began to reallrealize how…bad it all was.” says Lem.

“What was that like?” asks Gore Vidal.

Fire for You by Cannons plays.

“I wasn’t prepared for it.

I knew things were bad. But I wasn’t aware how…empty my life had been. And so…as I started to use drugs more heavily and feel physically better than I had felt in sex…I realize how bad the sex had really been. I knew it was bad. But I didn’t know it was as bad as it had been. Especially when I also started to realize how much I had wanted and still did want women. I knew I had…but…I had incredible sadness and anxiety when I was sober and yet high I felt safe thinking about women. And so…I realized how…shitty my life was. And then I realized how backward I was socially. Especially around women. I had no idea how to just talk to them not…telling myself the whole time I was gay. So…letting myself feel attracted to them. Not repressing my natural instincts.

And it was…very embarrassing. And…by 65…I felt like…there was no reason to live. I was a fool. Was I killed or did I kill myself? I felt like a worthless uncle. And a waste of space. And I hoped to just die. There was no reason to believe that anything would happen. And I felt old enough.

I had my soul crushed. I felt like…I was in a permanent living Hell.” says Lem.

“And here’s the problem. That’s your experience.

That’s been Lacey’s whole life. Your last years are her whole life. That’s how cruel the world has been. And so…if she’d had your last years of life after your life…she’d not have felt crushed.

She’d have sat in the dark of your apartment on your sofa and watched the sunset alone…and you would have decimated the Kennedys. Not killed yourself. You’d have been useful.

Sweetheart…peaches…are you really able to be her man? Or are you too weak, shallow, self-indulgent and…here we go again…cruel?” asks Gore Vidal.

“No. I’m not that…” says Lem. “I’m better than that.”

“But how am I appropriate?” asks Lacey.

“Why are you attacking them?” asks Lem.

“For the sake of the potency of snake venom.” says Lacey.

“Wow.” says Lem. “But when do you take a break and be human?”

“I can’t.” says Lacey. “Grow-up!”

“Your kids are human.” says Lem.

“I’ll make them gods. Try harder, LOSER!” she slaps him.

“No. No I will not try harder.” says Lem.

“Then I will.” says Lacey.

“No.” says Lem. “No.”

“Ha! I’m humoring you. You don’t have a clue!!” yells Lacey. She just walks away.

He grabs her.

“PUT ME DOWN!!!” she yells. He does and she runs away.

He puts her right back in his apartment.

She snaps her fingers trying to go elsewhere. It doesn’t work.

“Am I supposed to be here?” Lacey asks God.

“Yes.” says God.

“Alright.” says Lacey. “Will you please tend to the snake venom issue!?” she says to God, as respectfully and politely as possible.

God will, He says.

Lacey relaxes.

“Golly!” says Lacey to Lem.

“I didn’t let you slap me.” says Lem.

“Is that best?” asks Lacey and God.

“Yes!” says God.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Oh alright.” says Lacey.

“Why does canceling your birthday help?” asks Lem.

“Because what does it do?” asks Lacey.

“It’s a time to celebrate you. As you know. But it seems no one wants to do that.” says Lem.

“So what is the point?” asks Lacey.

“On principle you should still be celebrated. And…” says Lem.

“But why don’t they like me?” says Lacey.

“They didn’t like Scott either. I guess. He had horrible birthdays. Why?

Because you’re both so aware.“ says Lem.

Lacey and Scott sit and stare at each other. As kids.

They are best friends.

“We worked it out by age 13 that we shouldn’t get married. Most likely.” says Scott. “But we’d always have each other.”

“As friends.” says Lacey.

Lacey returns to Lem.

“Why? You hate me.” she says.

“No.” says Lem. “I don’t.”

“I’m so sad and grumpy. Right? Eww!” says Lacey.

“You’re not like that. At all.” says Lem.

“Well now I am. Now that’s my only mood.” says Lacey.

Lem wants to speak but the Kennedys hold him back.

“It’s not that I hold it against you.

I know you, I think.

It’s just that you’re not likely to be attracted to me.” says Lacey.

She says this dressed in a lace dress from the lingerie section. Sprawled out beautifully on his sofa. Perfectly perfumed. Hair down and disheveled.

“Do you know what you’re wearing?” asks Lem.

“No.” she says.

Lem smiles. Looks sad. “Ok. Look.”

“Oh! Goodness!” says Lacey. “Well…my argument still makes sense.”

“No. I don’t find your sadness unattractive.” says Lem.

“But I’m a woman. I’m supposed to be…constantly cheerful or something.” says Lacey.

“No!” says Lem. “That’s not my ideal.”

“So what’s your ideal?” asks Lacey.

He laughs. “You.”

“But you’re not my ideal.” she says with concern.

“Oh!?” says Lem. “What’s your ideal?”

She thinks. “I think you’re closest. I don’t have one.

I just love you. But I’ve gotten over you. Because you’re…gay now?”

“No. I’m not.” he says. “And what’s more…you’re my ideal.”

She thinks.

“Then I don’t think this can be real.” she says.

“No. It is.” he says.

“Do you like my face?” she asks, with serious concern.

“Your face is very beautiful and I love it.” says Lem.

Lacey sits.

“It’s not just that you and Scott are so aware. It’s a million things. And I can’t explain them easily while I’m being attacked.

Let’s take this conversation off the blog.” says Lem.

“Do you really love me enough?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Then why do I even have to have a birthday?” asks Lacey.

“Ahh yes…you’re asking a ghost…who’s madly in love with you…while you’re dressed in lingerie…and you’re alive and desperately lonely…and I don’t know how to explain myself to you as easily as I- Why you need birthdays. It’s so tempting to try to kill you.

I was being ironic about Jack. I was being…ironic.” says Lem.

Later.

“Lacey’s prettier than this model. But this model photographs betters. This is what Lacey slightly looks like. In person.” says Lem.

“Lacey do you understand that women are attracted to you or do you just think they’re making fun of you? I’m not accusing you of being homosexual. For real. I’m just curious.” says a model.

“I think they might be.” says Lacey.

“But you doubt it.” says the model.

“I wonder if I do.” says Lacey.

“So…you don’t have any ego from that?” she says.

“No.” says Lacey. “I assumed it was an insult.”

“Why?” asks a lesbian.

“Because I’m masculine to you?” says Lacey.

They stare blankly like stupid speechless bitches.

“Fuck you! I’m not masculine. I’m better than you!” says Lacey. “I’m sorry you’re a lower class cow.”

“How sincere are you?” she asks.

“75% to 80%.” says Lacey.

“No it’s not. It’s 70%.” she says.

“Wow. You’re conceited.” says Lacey.

“No! I don’t think you’re masculine.” she says.

Lacey stares at her. Analyzing her. “If that’s true then why didn’t you just say that?” says Lacey.

She thinks.

“Sorry!” she says.

“Well silence speaks volumes. Right?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. No!

It’s not because you’re masculine or weird or ugly or something.” says the lesbian. “It’s because you’re pretty.”

Lacey laughs. Lacey thinks. Lacey laughs. “I thought it was because- In my mind women like men. So I assumed I was ugly to you all in some way. Isn’t that funny? Why would women be attracted to ugliness? That’s absurd.” says Lacey.

“That’s your sincere response?” she says.

“Well…why are we talking about this? It’s all very mysterious. So I’m just…dissecting it with you.” says Lacey.

“You’re pretty!” she says.

“I’ve been told that often. I am pretty. Actually I’m extremely beautiful. Fuck you!” says Lacey.

“Yeah. You’re extremely beautiful.” she says.

“So what’s your problem!?” says Lacey.

“Isn’t my approval meaningful?” she says.

“No. It’s common. Who the fuck are you?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Okay.

So…you were dumb enough to not get it or what!?” she says.

“No. I’m not dumb.

I’m….hilariously ditzy.” says Lacey. “It’s hilarious because I’m not dumb at all but…I get lost sometimes. In rather comical ways.”

“She’s right. It’s ditziness.” says Scott.

“Then you have no idea what female arousal is!” she says.

“Wow!

Where did that idiotic take come from?

Of course I do. I’m often aroused. I’m just not attracted to women.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Okay.” she says. “Okay so no. It’s not an insult.”

“Women are so putrid to me most often. I don’t think it’s dumb that I took it that way.” says Lacey.

“So it’s like we might be attracted to each other but with you we’re faking it?” she says.

“Possibly.” says Lacey.

“No. It’s real.” she says.

“Well thank you then.” says Lacey.

“So does that make you feel any different?” she asks.

“Is this your good deed for the day?

Mm…no.” says Lacey.

“I don’t think you’re getting my message.

I’m saying you’re not understanding what women are expressing to you.” she says.

“Which is what?” asks Lacey.

“You’re gorgeous!” says Casi.

“So are bananas and dew drops.” says Lacey.

“I’m attracted to you!” says the lesbian.

“I’m sure you’re attracted to lots of people.” says Lacey.

“Yes. But…I’m part of a large contingent of people who are.” she says.

“What does that even mean though?” asks Lacey.

“That you’re God.” she says, exasperated.

“No. I’m not.

No, seriously…what does that mean?” says Lacey.

“That you’re attractive.” she says.

“Yes. I suppose I am.

Thank you.” says Lacey.

“No. That you’re more attractive than most people.” she says.

“Yes. Right. Makes sense.” says Lacey.

“Dear God. You’re not a man.” she says.

“Huh. You mean my lack of ego?” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” she says.

“Is that feminine? Sometimes I wonder.” says Lacey.

“You’re right.” she says. “It might not be.”

“I think it can be. But I’m not convinced it is in every scenario.” says Lacey.

“Do you feel feminine?” she asks.

“Yes!! And I feel like me! And yes, I’m a woman. But out gender isn’t…our soul identity.” says Lacey. “I’m a woman. I’m never a male. If there’s even reincarnation. But…I’m me.”

“Yeah.” she says.

“So do you have a point?” asks Lacey.

“Umm…I just…found you attractive.” she says.

“So you have no point?” says Lacey.

“No. I had one.” she admits.

“Then make it.” says Lacey. “You slimy loser. MAKE IT!!”

“FUCK! she says.

“GET TO IT!!” yells Lacey.

“You can’t boss me around. You’re not the boss of me.” she says.

Lacey slaps her.

“I just masturbated. Sorry.” she says.

“Yeah. I never gave you any interest. You just lost control of your brain. Because you can’t handle rejection. I’m sorry for calling you a loser but you’re embarrassing yourself.

Did you actually have a point?” says Lacey.

“Shit.” she says. She thinks. “It’s just weird you’re not more cocky.”

“What’s the point of that though?” says Lacey.

“It’s like a pride thing.” she says.

“Proud of what?” says Lacey.

“Of your beauty!” says a woman.

“Why is that really something to be proud of?” says Lacey.

“You’re impossible to rape and conquer.” she says.

“True.” says Lacey. “Why is being beautiful something to be proud of?”

“Yeah. Because it’s yours!” she says.

“I have that.” says Lacey.

“So…you’re not at all attracted to women.” she says.

“Correct.” says Lacey.

“So there are real straight people. Cool.” she says.

“I’m still not getting your message.” says Lem.

“It’s okay. I’m letting her make a fool of herself. If that’s all she’s here to do.” says Lacey.

“So…women actually find you attractive.” says the model.

“No. They’re rapist bitches with no brains.” says Lacey. “Who waste space.”

“I don’t think guys get it.

She’s smarter than all of you. Like sincerely her IQ is really high so when you come talk to her and decide to rape her which is what you did so stop crying and acting like you’re the victim it’s probably not gonna impress her. She’s probably just gonna try to wipe your ass with your own fucking shit. And then make you eat it and throw you into Hell if necessary and I’m not exaggerating we’re in the middle of World War III because of this bitch while you people can barely even concoct a sentence that makes fucking sense, so if you have something to say, say it, because that poor lesbian just made a total fucking asshole of herself to a hell of a lot of people.” says Jon Stewart.

“Like I was president. Oh my God. And I just don’t understand how like a woman sitting in her living room could be that impactful. Because like she’s not causing the trauma and drama but she’s totally like…it’s happening because of what you’re doing to her and her refusal to molest her children or worship Baal and I’m just I’m so confused because it’s like she’s fighting you guys and it’s super effective but I don’t understand how because like she’s not really anything like I was I mean I was a really big deal.

So I just conjured those women from the other side from the past to attack her and not really have a point because I knew it would let her in and then she’d have a conversation and then I was thinking that somehow somethings stupid would happen and she’d be embarrassed and it’s just like it’s not working and I was so confused Because it’s like oh my gosh yay she’s been excepted by women and then I was like what the hell like this is a compliment just take it. I was always so complement of a man call me attractive and then she’s like it’s not a compliment and I’m just like yeah it’s a compliment, and then she understands it’s a compliment and she’s just like OK I was wrong and there’s nothing more than that and I’m just like what the hell OK you’re wrong it’s a compliment and then she’s like OK I guess it’s a compliment and I’m just like what the fuck like I would’ve thought-

And yes I’m trying on a different way of talking. This is like 2023 that I’m doing this I just skip Through the Wormhole I’m a ghost I can do that and yeah I’m totally like enjoying this new gay vibe that I have and it’s like so sexy to my boyfriend. I know it’s not lame. He’s a Jew but I’m just like so so into this, so it’s telling me that I ceased to exist. You know that’s really understandable because I have a hard time being faithful to any of my boyfriends and I’m kind of a cheating slob. That’s what they call me a cheating slob, so maybe they may be ceased to exist because I just have a really hard time being faithful to one person, I tried a whole leg group thing, and it didn’t really work out recently, and so now I’m just dating a Jew.” says JFK.

“I think the point you’re trying to make Jack is that she should probably be more confident somehow or something but I don’t think she could be more confident. I don’t think it’s a lack of confidence, sweetie. I think that you destroyed her life because you’re a parasitic freak on the other side and you’re obsessed with her because she’s Lem Billings twin flame.“ says a Jew.

“That’s all accurate but you’re not supposed to know that so I’m gonna go.” says JFK in 2023.

“So she’s not you and she’s Lem Billings’s twin flame and he was probably straight or possibly bisexual. I would say far more likely he was straight and we just misunderstood some of the things that he said at times because he was so subtle and complicated…and I actually think he’s a lot like Lacey. I think he misunderstood people in ways that are either funny or tragic or both.“ says a lawyer.

“Why do homosexuals take his most repeated words to be such an affirmative statement?

1. Jack was a terrible friend. So that part is obvious hyperbole. You should ask yourself why he did that.

2. Jack Kennedy had other close male friends. And some female friends. Lem wasn’t even a groomsman. What is ‘Jack’s best friend’? His male wife? Okay…then:

3. Why does Lem only mention his room in the White House and historic events? That’s shit. That’s stupid fucking tourist shit compared to being settled down and living somewhere with your own kids and having your own life. …It’s off that Lem never mentions Jack’s kids. Or anything deep other than being ‘best friends.’ Whatever that even really means.

4. His tone sounds bitter. …Princeton University did a piece on him years ago and people made comments suggesting this. And it’s the truth. He sounds…unhappy as he’s saying it. And defensive. Very defensive. Or he’s not being defensive and he’s making a dig. It’s so obvious. …His saccharine beginning and then the sharp cut to ‘what the hell’ sounds possibly bitter. Especially combined with his use of ‘and’ over and over at the end.

5. Again…his overall statement is very insulting to the gay community, in a way. It’s suggesting that they offered no stability or accountability or depth in their relationships. No…normalcy. Just bizarre unions and passing glamour.

Why…do you all insist he was gay!? Why…do you all insist he was making a pro Gay Rights statement about his life?” says a billionaire.

“But he makes detailed points about Jack. And he says Jack ‘made a big difference.’” says a gay man.

“Those could all be his bitter feelings. He could easily have been just insulting people’s intelligence. He sounds so saccharine. ‘A big difference’ is very corny. So is ‘never lonely.’ And combined with his overall point…and the tone overall…it’s actually really unclear if he was being secretly sarcastic or serious.” says the billionaire.

“It’s actually a really weird statement.” says a reader.