“Ode To A Homosexual Rapist” by David Pitts

Hush by The Marías plays.

(Adult content below)

Ancient Egypt:

Four people orgasm at the same time. It’s a lighthearted party. No big deal. Common Tuesday night, so to speak. The Jews left because they were righteous. Truly righteous. Not stupid. Sex in Ancient Egypt was astonishing.

Yes. The Jews were in Ancient Egypt.

“OH!! I have lots of Jewish friends!!” shouts Bobby Kennedy Junior, proudly. He’s excited he won that one. Bingo!

“Yeah! It’s so cool!” say Zionists in American Charismatic churches.

The Illuminati laughs. “Yeah. Okay.” they say.

Anyway, they made mistakes but it was never supposed to be incestuous or non-consensual. And maybe most often it was consensual and non-incestuous. They were amazing.

They understood sex in a way people today struggle to understand but sometimes do. They were…sex super-geniuses. On a group and individual level. They were..so smart.

So if Lacey is Scotia…she takes that information with her, especially as a Christian. Because she’s only Scotia if reincarnation is in the Bible.

So…assuming she’s Scotia we’ll continue. Because we can obviously assume she’s Scotia. I mean…I’m sorry we’ve even had to question it at all. My sincerest apologies. I hate when people make you sort things through in pedantic, Judeo-Christian, archaic ways. So…see…I knew she was Scotia when I first heard the idea. Why? Because she loves Great Britain. But she’s barely British. She grew-up in America. So…the only thing possible is obviously that she’s Scotia.

“Huh. So often are you right?” asks Michelle Obama.

“Ahhh…almost always.” says David Pitts.

“She could be Scotia if reincarnation is in the Bible. But…I’m not sure that the way you just sorted that out was based on sound enough logic.” says Michelle Obama.

David thinks. Dances to think.

“Okay. Well. I can’t agree to that.

Lacey is Scotia.” says David Pitts. “Or Scotia didn’t exist.”

“David…could Lem be Constantine?” asks an Obama aid.

“What difference does that even make?” asks Mr. Pitts.

“Nevermind.” says the Obama aid. “Continue.”

“Alright.” says David. He laughs.

“David. You are the gold standard!” says a white queer woman, genuinely impressed by him.

“Hold on!!” says the Obama aid. “The gold standard?”

“Let’s call it something else.” says Michelle Obama.

“How about we call him the chief cool-kid.” says the Obama aid.

“How about Super-Cool-Kid-Chief.” she says.

“Wow!! That’s SMART AND AMAZING!!” shouts new money. “I love it! SUPER-COOL-KID-CHIEF!”

“But what does it mean?” asks Lacey.

“Hush!!” says new money. “It sounds good! Stop ruining this for us!!!” they shout, bitterly.

“Okay.” says Lacey, feeling bad for them and violently silenced by the US Government.

Fire for You by Cannons plays.

That’s Lacey and Lem having sex. He lights her body on fire. In intense pleasure. And she gives him her soul.

But…he doesn’t want it.

Men can get enormous erections from thin air. Easily.

And it doesn’t mean anything when a man finds an unusually attractive woman attractive. Even if he’s entirely gay.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in conversations with men and they’ve confided this to me. That they can get erections super easily. From…just…nothing.

Like…out of nowhere. Okay. The male erection means almost nothing. It happens super easily and super fast.

“David who told you that!?” asks a Millennial.

My god! So many men.

“Like who?” asks NBC.

Ahh…boyfriends. Lots of men!

“Have you experienced that yourself?” asks NBC.

No. Not really. But I’m a very cerebral person. And I’m kind of a sap. Okay? I’m a sentimentalist.

“So you can’t promiscuous sex?” asks a woman.

Ahh. I have no hang-ups. Okay. I’m…not a prude. Not…really. But…I have…*I cry.* I have a tendency to be…

“Pure evil?” says Dunkin’ Donuts, sincerely.

No!!

I have a tendency to be…cheesy.

“And wrong.” says an exasperated Obama aid.

No!! I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about.

“David I used the Kennedys to gain power. That’s politics. That’s war.

That’s not love.” says Barack Obama.

Okay!??

Anyway…

So…the way they gave sex is meaningless. Because men and women and nonbinary people can have sex without it meaning anything. Okay? You separate sex from love and it’s…war? Right Barack Obama?

“What about science?” asks Caroline Calloway. “They’ve proven that sex is an actual connection scientifically?”

“An actual connection!?? Ahh…what the fuck is that!?” asks David Pitts.

“Like…a neural pathway? A connection. It means something.” says Caroline. “If anything means anything.”

Okay. That’s stupid.

Can you sound more cheesy! I mean…I’m corny…but that’s just obvious narcissism.

“Couldn’t that just be objective truth!?” asks Lacey, desperate.

Highly doubtful!

Ahh…no.

*I roll my eyes in exasperation at the silliness of some little girls*

“Caroline and Lacey are little girls?” asks Nairobi.

Ha! Yeah. Sorry. I’m an asshole too. Get over it!

I dance sexy to Fire for You because I’m HOT.

“Are you sexually threatened by Lacey and Caroline?” asks Nairobi.

No!!!

I’m a man, buddy.

*I laugh*

We bring the rain, HONEY!

He dances and shakes his ass proudly.

“Your ass gets wet?” asks God.

During sex? Ahh. No. Dumbass it doesn’t. Fix that.

“Then how are you sexually superior to women?” asks God.

Because my cock is ON FIRE!!!!

“And when your cock is on fire…the whole world pays attention?” asks the Obama aid.

Ahh…well.

Yeah.

“That’s what you experience?” asks the Obama aid.

Yes. Actually.

“Huh. Okay.

What happens when other men get erections?” asks the Obama aid.

Possibly something similar. Which is why I love my book. It’s about the experiences of men.

“What about when Lem gets an erection from Lacey?” asks a bisexual man.

There are erections that are different.

“True!” says the CIA.

So…when he gets aroused by her body being near him…it’s absolutely meaningless. Because there are erections from sex and erections from love.

“What’s the difference?” asks Lacey.

So he has mind-blowing orgasms from you…but those are stupid. Because they don’t involve love.

“Huh. Then she’s molesting him?” asks Norway.

No. That’s not true. She’s just arousing him.

But when you’re gay…your arousal from won’t doesn’t matter. It doesn’t count.

I had a boyfriend once who used to get off on images of naked women. Every few days. And once I caught him having sex with a woman.

This is an experience lots of gay men have. Our boyfriends sleep with women occasionally. Okay? And…it’s just something you have to work through. Like a disease.

So I…asked him why he did that. And he told me it was because he was so sad. And I felt for him and we worked through it.

“That could be love.” says a living bisexual man to David Pitts. “David you were lied to. It’s possible…he felt love for those women.”

Ahh. Women aren’t as good as men.

There I said it.

Boom!

So…they might be inferior. And Lacey knows that. The Muslims know that too. So do the Jews. Ancient Egypt knew that. Africa knows that. Diego KNEW that.

Hispanics know that.

Men just lie about it.

So…male privilege! When you’re a man and you can find men attractive…you go for it. Because it’s so damn nice to be so fucking superior.

“How do you procreate?” asks the Catholic Church.

Who cares! We could totally farm them out. We just have to sneak up on them.

And at that Lacey cuts off his head.

She considers cutting off all male heads. But then she’d have to cut off the heads of women too who have enabled his vile stupidity. Like Margaret “Marshmallow” Atwood. ? So she considers ending the world when she dies.

She’s the one writing this now.

His stupidity was becoming intolerable.

She brings him back in a Scottish dungeon.

“David. There are no erections as you’ve described them.” says Lacey.

“NO!!! IMPOSSIBLE!” he says.

“Why?” asks Lacey. “Because then your boyfriend didn’t love you and you’re a narcissistic idiot?”

He weeps over himself.

“David answer the question.” asks Lacey.

“NO!!!” he yells in amazing stubbornness.

“David…your boyfriend didn’t love you.” says Lacey.

“Every boyfriend LOVES ME!!!” he says.

“I doubt it. I’m sorry.” says Lacey. “And you don’t understand sex. Almost at all? You’re an illogical buffoon possibly. …Listen…when your cock gets hard…it’s common as mud. Sorry to burst your bubble. But…it’s yours. And if you love yourself and you truly love someone and they truly love you…it’s transformed through Christ into something eternal that’s just for you and your lover.”

“If you love yourself?” asks Jan.

“Yes. If you aren’t loving yourself the sex…might be by mistake.” says Lacey. “It’s extremely complicated, actually.”

“But sometimes people do make love!” says an Egyptian.

“YES! Absolutely! It’s just very complicated.” says Lacey. “See…there’s a backwards and forwards. And you can’t forget the backwards. The backwards isn’t always inherently Satanic.”

“Lacey…are women superior?” asks a bisexual man.

“No. Sometimes it’s far more complicated than best and least. And numerically analyzing it all is dangerous possibly.” says Lacey.

“Yes. But then we’re possibly superior.” says John Nash.

“Not necessarily. It’s not about that.” says Lacey. “It’s about something better than chaos. Creation.”

She thinks.

“Our human minds can’t easily reach beyond creation. But…God knows a great many other things. At least. Creation is just something we can grasp. But it’s a huge deal” says Lacey.

Later.

Lacey shows up in Hell looking for water. If she’s reincarnated from a goddess she was water. Lem was cold. The Kennedys were never gods at all.

There’s no water in Hell.

“The Kennedys said there was. Huge oceans of it.” says David Pitts. “And I knew they weren’t lying. Aren’t they secretly super honest and sensitive?

See…if Lem isn’t attracted to Lacey even though he’s attracted to her then there’s water in Hell. First we discover he’s not attracted to Lacey even though he’s attracted to her. And then we discover there’s water in Hell. Because that would have to follow.”

“David…that’s not a thing.” says a Millennial guy.

“Then how was Lem in love with JFK at all!?” asks David Pitts with grave concern.

“Why do you think he was?” asks NBC.

“Because. Someone told me he was.” says David Pitts.

“Well who told that person!??” asks NBC.

“Someone.” says David Pitts.

“And who told that person?” asks NBC.

“So when does Lem say this himself?” asks AMC.

“He seemingly never did.” says David Pitts to AMC.

“So why do we care what all these people are saying?” asks NBC.

“Because they have to be right!!!” says David Pitts.

“Why!??” asks NBC.

“Because gay people don’t suck shit! Okay?! We are not uncool. We kick ass!” says David Pitts.

“Umm…but then why Jack and Lem?” asks a lesbian.

“Okay. Point taken. …Lem looks straight…but he said weird stuff…and…he’s kinda hot. And Jack…Jack has SO much sex appeal.” says David Pitts.

“Actually Lem is objectively more sexy.” says Hawaii.

“Yes. According to WHO!?” says David.

“People as a whole.” says Hawaii.

“Well…gay men see Jack as a sex god.” says David Pitts.

“You think Jack Kennedy is a literal SEX GOD!?” asks Hawaii.

“Yes!!” says a gay man, being honest. “We do. And we love that other people see that too.”

“Is he!?” asks Joe Biden of God.

“No.” says God.

“Was he ever?” asks Joe Biden.

“No.” says God. “Never. Never anywhere ever. Ever.”

Joe Biden is thoughtful. “Well…was he at least good at sex?”

“No! He was actually quite bad at sex.” says God.

Later.

David Pitts takes back the writing.

Jack was a rapist. Sure. Aren’t we all? Because how do you ever know when a man really wants you? Oh! I know…when he comes after you once.

Well! I was told that Lem almost raped Jack he was so aroused by him so…we’re in the clear.

There’s no proof according to old-fart historians and some Republicans…that Lem ever even came on to Jack at all…but…fuck that! Where there’s smoke there’s always fire. It’s a rule. So! Ha! There’s your proof.

“David. Theoretically this blog could be what actually happened.” says Yale. “Or to put it in more clear terms: the assertions made on this blog.”

“But then Lem wasn’t even attracted to men.” says David Pitts. “That’s impossible.”

“Why!?” asks Yale.

“Because then how do I exist!??” asks David Pitts.

“Why is it…that certain!?” asks Yale.

“Because it’s- If Lem isn’t gay…then how am I!?” asks David Pitts.

“You seem gay.” says the CIA.

“No. Not really.” says David Pitts. “I can pass as straight.”

“No. You can’t.” says the CIA.

“Then tell me how women get so confused!” says David Pitts. “And hurt by gay men.”

“I never did. Neither does Lacey. That’s only some women.” says Elizabeth Taylor. “Some people are bad a certain things. And other people aren’t.”

“So you and Lacey don’t get fooled. Ever?” asks David Pitts.

“No. Never.” says Elizabeth Taylor. “Never by that.”

“So I seem gay!?!” says David Pitts.

“Yes!!” says the CIA.

“And Lem doesn’t!?!” says David Pitts.

“No. Lem never does.” says the CIA.

David thinks.

Well…I just think Jack and Lem were in love. But I can’t say that because if I do I’ll seem disreputable. And my integrity as an superior intellectual is far more important to me than saying something that I can’t say as a historian.

“You blew that. You might have had that intent…but you blew it.” says the NAACP.

David cries. Bends over crying.

“David…why!? Why did it make sense to glorify a petty rapist!??” asks the NAACP.

David thinks.

Because I thought Jack Kennedy had a heart. I thought what I was hearing about him was true. And I was moved by him. I thought he was a really nice man!

“That’s interesting.” says NBC. “Go on.”

I just assumed Lem was…his heart. So to speak. So…I thought I was doing everyone a favor by writing that book.

“But it’s so unclear if Lem was even gay at all.” says Harvard.

“Really. He might have easily been straight.” says NYU.

“Like for real!?” asks David Pitts.

“For real.” says the CIA.

Can someone really pretend that well and be that confused!?

“YES!” says Hollywood.

“For real.” says Bollywood. “And actually it didn’t fool Lacey. It’s just good acting. And tragedy, in that he was confused.”

David thinks.

“But I like my idea.” he says, pouting.

“Yes!! Why!?” asks India.

David thinks.

Am I really that bad of a person!?

“I’ll leave that up to God.” says Lacey.

Summer Smoke by Cemeteries plays.

I have no clue why I fell for him. I guess I thought he was mysterious. And cool.

Lem is his?

“Why?” asks the CIA.

Because Jack Kennedy gets whatever he wants?

“That’s insane.” says the CIA.

No! You read about that all of the time.

“Umm…well…yeah. But you can’t actually alter someone’s orientation?” says a man in the CIA.

But Jack is…an alchemist. He’s powerful. He’s like…a demi-god!

“No. Jack was never a demi-god.” says God. “He was only ever human.”

So…Jack…didn’t get Lem into him?

“No!! That’s a myth.” says Lem.

All of it!??!

“Yes. I’m sorry. All of it.” says Lem.

So it can all be explained away!??

“Yup.” says Lem.

How!?? *I yell*

“I’ve done most of it already on this blog.” says Lem.

I haven’t been really paying attention.

“Well most of your book is, in reality, totally obliterated by this blog.” says Lem.

Why can’t she read my book?

“We both don’t have the patience anymore. It’s just that you misconstrued so much. And made so many incorrect assumptions. You made your hypotheses mostly based on hearsay. And yet you act as though it’s all like gravity. You’re OBNOXIOUS.” says Lem.

“Yeah. It’s a badly written book.” says a reader.

“David you don’t actually have facts.” says NBC.

“David. He died. You never met him.” says Reuters.

“Yeah.” admits David.

“So your book is total rubbish.” says PBS. “And yet you spent decades on it. That’s sad.”

Later.

“Lem cannot be straight.

Well…he could be.” says David Pitts to Lacey.

“I was.” says Lem. “You know Jack was a real narcissist. And we made excuses for him. But people today don’t as much. And that’s very good. Why did you?”

David laughs. “He just seemed cool.”

Lem thinks. “He really wasn’t. I felt sorry for him. I wanted to help him become more acceptable to people out of pity for him. …He bullied me. He really did. I was scared of him. But…I still felt sorry for him.”

“Lem why did you act gay!??” asks David Pitts.

“I didn’t all the time. I was acting.

I was trying to be honorable. I genuinely thought I was a homosexual.

You don’t have to believe me. I am either way and was either way too.

You what I am, David? I’m a math-geek, artsy-fartsy, jock. And I acted gay. But I really wasn’t.” says Lem.

“HOLD ON!!!!” yells Christian. “LACEY if you were a deity…you were WATER!?!? WATER!?! …RAINBOWS!?!! What..the…HELL!?!?

Lacey…did God use you to almost end the world? And if so…YOU WANNA DO IT AGAIN!?!”

“Look…I had nothing to do with Sodom and Gomorrah. Nah. I ain’t cool wit it. …But why y’all gotta be stealing the rainbow and the month of June? Nah. It’s not cool anymore dude. …You got me involved now. Mkay?” says Lacey.

Fire for You by Cannons plays.

And at that if she was a “deity” she turns evil members of the community into her finger puppets.

“Right back at ya!” she says to them, chewing her gum loudly with red lips.

“Is this over Lem?” asks David Pitts.

“It’s over truth.” says Lacey. “And reality.”

“I’m gay.” says David Pitts. “At least mostly.”

“David can you change that?” asks Lacey.

“No.” says David.

“Are you sure?” says Lacey

“Yes!” says David.

“Lem…has told me he was heterosexual. David…what do you think he’s supposed to do? …And I could easily be talking to his ghost. So…if I’m intuiting him correctly…he’s being sincere and I’m really his ‘twin flame.’ And lots of the things he says are very true and make him seem quite possibly real. I’m almost completely convinced he was straight. And I’m not easy to convince.

I don’t think you’ve all been responsible. Possibly more responsible than you could have been. But certainly not as responsible as would have been best. And to be honest…I’m embarrassed for you. And lots of other people who have assumed his mannerisms were him.

I didn’t make that assumption. At first. But I was indoctrinated into thinking that he’d have to be gay. Just like everyone else. …And I think I actually kept that initial impression stored away in my mind even while also…at least pretending very convincingly he was gay.

But I…didn’t lose my mind so much as somehow start talking to something supernatural about ten years ago and…that initial impression of him came back to me the more I talked with possibly him. Lem himself.

At first I thought he was bisexual or pansexual and then I realized he was telling me he was heterosexual.” says Lacey. “Am I talking with you? I don’t know. Maybe. But…regardless I think he might have been straight, David.”

Later.

“David. Tell us…the love story you thought you were going to write. The more you researched him. But were unable to write because you couldn’t find evidence.” says Bill Gates.

The Moment by Tame Impala plays.

“I thought…Lem was going to have lots more evidence. Or that I’d be able to pull more evidence out of people. …But instead…I found it really difficult.

Lem does seem straight. But he acts gay.

…I thought he’d be a…psychologically complex person. Sort of like Mary Richardson. Or…a mistress. But…you know…he’s not. He’s…not.” says David Pitts.

“What was he like?” asks Bill Gates.

“He was…cold.” says David. “He was a gentle man. But…cold isn’t the right word. He was…very private. …Very…”

“Straight.” says Lem.

“We thought it was private.” says David.

“No. It was…indifference. I was very indifferent. I didn’t give a damn.” says Lem. “Haven’t you ever noticed that about straight men? They’re ‘private’ too. …It’s not privacy I wanted so much as to escape. I hated my life. But I didn’t understand why.”

“So how were you not constantly grossed-out!!?” asks David.

“I didn’t think about it.” says Lem. “And when I did I just…desexualized it. …At times I tried to enjoy it…but…I just couldn’t. I just…couldn’t. So…early on I gave up on that. I decided I wasn’t ever going to be happy in that way in life.”

“Lem…you decided you weren’t going to be haoo6!??” says David.

“YES! …Listen…I’m from a very different generation. We were far more willing to suffer. We didn’t have the medical advances we have today so we dealt with stuff and didn’t complain. …People lost siblings and parents and friends and you got used to it. That was life. …I had asthma. I had glasses. We lost our fortune. …My dad died. …I thought I was gay.” says Lem.

“So you just thought you were doing the right thing?” says David Pitts.

“I thought I’d be poisoning women.” says Lem.

“And by acting gay you were warning people.” asks David Pitts.

“Yes.

I sure was. I warning people to stay away. Or trying to encourage some nice man to fall for me. …I felt it was just…the right thing to do.” says Lem.

“But you didn’t want a man.” says David.

“No. I didn’t. And it infuriated men but…I was straight.” says Lem.

“Did they think you were in love with Jack?” asks Lem.

“Yes. Or…totally messed-up. Or…maybe a few knew I was heterosexual and confused.” says Lem.

“Were there more men like that back then than we think?” asks David.

Lem laughs. “Well…why do you think so many straight men think it’s all made up? They got the idea and are very adamant about it for some reason. …Part of that is ignorance and part of it is bisexuality and then…yes…there were far more confused straight men back then than you’d think. Why? Because we didn’t know that much about sexuality. And we didn’t know how to correct our misperceptions with facts. So we thought about stuff and came to dangerous conclusions.

Listen…you’d be surprised by some of the crazy things people thought. It was common to think you couldn’t get a woman pregnant if you had sec in weird ways. Because people knew heterosexual oral sex didn’t make people pregnant, for one thing and so they assumed it was safe to do other things that weren’t the…typical thing.” says Lem.

“Lem…would you have thought that?” asks David Pitts.

“No! I’m a man of science!” says Lem. “My father was a scientist. …I was raised to respect science. …But…I mislabeled myself.”

“What did you think!?” says David.

“I thought I was aroused by men. Because when I was molested I was physically attacked and I had a physical reaction to being touched by a man in my genitalia.” says Lem. He laughs. “It’s very stupid if you know better. But I didn’t. …And when I looked into it there weren’t a plethora of resources…so I read things that were confusing and I was told things that were confusing and I felt convinced what I had experienced was proof I was gay.”

“Wow.” says David Pitts. “So you just built on that false premise and ruined your life.”

“I did…and Jack corrupted my intellectual development on the issue and prevented me from figuring it out. I’m sorry but he really did, David. He twisted my already traumatized and frayed mind into knots with his bullshit.” says Lem.

“What did he tell you?” asks David.

“That I was rare. …I was…a weird person. Very peculiar! Crazy, actually, is what he intimated I was. So…it would impossible for most people to relate to me or understand me. And yet…he was going to do his best…to be my friend. …And all I had to do was just…suck his cock…and be nice to him. Whenever he requested it. …And we could have lots of fun, and laughs…and he’d be my bosom buddy forever! …And yes…we’d sort of have an agreement that we were together…married kinda…but…he was in denial about it. And I didn’t care. …I just thought it was…good enough. And…was it really any different than other bad marriages? An average marriage, actually. No!! And certainly there had to be some love involved. Right!? …People are so sentimental and sappy! My goodness. But not me. …I felt I was practical.“ says Lem.

“So you definitely had a sexual relationship with him?” asks a woman.

“He raped me.” says Lem. “He attacked me.”

“So he always instigated things?” asks David.

“Yes. It’s hard to believe, but yes. No…I never even got confused about it. I might have accidentally flirted with him in a way that was arousing because I didn’t understand his perspective but no. I didn’t.” says Lem.

“I’m sorry I contributed to the problem.” says David either now or in the afterlife. “I did write a completely fabricated fairytale about a rapist. And his vsexual behavior with women should have been a huge red Olaf.”