Russian Sex

(12:53 PM, Friday May 10th, 2024)

Reckoner by Radiohead plays.

JFK’s ghost wanders through a Russian castle, so to speak. He felt compelled to wander around Russia.

Why?

Ahh…Lem wasn’t gay. And Lem wasn’t actually waiting for him in Germany anywhere. Or waiting for him anywhere.

6 Underground by Sneaker Pimps plays.

Bobby walks through a place. Smelling of lavender. Lightly.

The song plays.

He’s just a little Dutch. On his mom’s side. And sometimes…you get ideas. Right, Hitler? Oh! Whoops you think I mean sex? Ha! No. At least not for the writer of this blog. Not for Lacey or Lem. I’m not sure what Bobby is thinking.

The song plays.

And plays.

Bobby…is not in Russia.

Jack…is in Russia.

What’s Jack doing in Russia? Huh. Well…

Somehow the LGBTQ+ community told Jack he was Russian in his sexual identity. Not bisexual so much as…Russian. A deep, profoundly introspective genius. A man who could analyze Russian history like Tsar Putin…but also translate it into popular contemporary communication style.

Jack Kennedy was not…that smart. I’m so bsorry, Harvard University of the 1930’s and 40’s. You all sucked shit, at times at least. Did and do you make up for it or not?

JFK’s great grandfather died. Of overwork. Right? Or was he too stupid to survive? And his wife covered for him?

Walking through a Russian castle of sorts Jack Kennedy struts like the fucking jackass-retard he always secretly was.

He closes his mouth and squints his face to hide is retardation. It’s a known technique. Sometimes Lacey wonders if autism experts are stupid, backward or autistic themselves. Doesn’t mean vaccines cause autism. Just means people are often intellectually conceited and ANNOYING nowadays, in 2024.

He gets lost.

Exhausted he sits down in a broom closet.

And Satan is the Statue of Liberty…with wink.

“Good bye to my good sigh.” says Lacey to Lem.

Cruel World by Phantogram plays.

Followed by Everybody Wants To Rule The World.

“Do you?” Lacey asks Africa and Native America.

“Meh.” says an Sioux tribe. They shrug.

“Yeah.” says Lacey. “It’s a lot of work.”

“It’s not really our thing either.” says Israel.

Later.

A group of Charismatics are sent by Russia to pray for Jack. They have a Black gospel choir singing “I’m going to walk with Jesus!” to him. As he sits, dumbfounded in the closet.

Later.

“Yes, Jack. You can do lots of things, as a ghost.” says a dead Russian aristocrat.

He twirls into a tornado.

“Yup.” she says. “Cool.”

“Why are you here?” says a dead Russian prince.

Jack looks flummoxed. He stands stupidly staring.

“Are you here to save us!??” says the dead female Russian aristocrat, confused by cheerful.

He laughs, lightly but menacingly. (Possibly a very violent, perverse threat)

He’s cut into pieces.

Lane Price has been chatting with Lacey a lot today. And since he’s been more successful in protecting Lacey than Lem, he suggests he safely follow the instructions of the witches who keep trying to conjure him for Bobby.

Hush by The Marías plays.

Lem pulls up in a huge car. He’s driving it. It’s a Buick. He drives into a random family’s driveway. They’re all playing outside on the front lawn. “It’s Lacey’s shithole house.” as Bobby Kennedy Junior calls it. “It’s a fucking dump!” he says, haughtily and as if she’s a worthless piece of shit for even slightly thinking…that she’s remotely his equal.

“It’s bigger than Maeve’s house in D.C. and nicer!” says the CIA.

“Don’t talk to me, peasants!” he says laughing, at the CIA.

“Bobby. Are you being serious!??” asks the FBI.

“I mean yeah. …Wow!!!” says Bobby, annoyed.

Meanwhile Jack is in pieces in a Russian fireplace. And Lem is chit chatting with the owner of her house. But it’s her house in the 1950’s. In a phony alternate universe. An alternate universe where Bobby Kennedy Junior insists Lacey lives, in tandem with our own. He finds it magical and fascinating. But he also thinks it’s…clear evidence she’s beneath him.

“Bobby are you bad in bed?” asks Lane Pryce.

“He’s AWFUL compared to what she’s used to…and compared to what she herself is capable of.” says Mary Richardson.

“Got it!” says Lane Pryce. “MY GOD he’s smug about absolutely nothing!” He smirks.

Elephant by Tame Impala plays.

Lem sits in his giant car in the driveway of this imaginary house talking to the owners. They’re baffled as to why he’s there.

He awkwardly keeps chatting.

“I hate this song. It mocks my AWESOMENESS.” says Bobby as if it’s hyperbole and he’s not really insulted at all.

“Wait!!! Lacey is being so mean to Bobby. But I thought she was a grown-up.” says Kick.

Out of My League by Fitz and The Tantrums plays.

“She’s in love with me.” says Bobby to Kick, sincerely.

“I know, buddy. Damn.” says Kick. “I’m on it!” she says sincerely.

“Oh well! That’s weird. It’ll all work out.” says most of Middle Class America.

Meanwhile, choosing to try reality, a few Satanists in the Illuminati are screaming bloody murder in small part to Jesus as they, for the first time, experience what’s been actually happening. The Kennedys have been enabling their delusions for decades and decades and now they’re trying a new approach.

“She’s probably trying to protect us. We’re alive and she’s super loving and maternal. But…yeah. It’s gone too far with her. And so…if she says we’re crying out to Jesus in small part in our spirits, we might be. …It’s TRIPPY!” says a Satanist.

Later.

And at that Eunice Kennedy Shriver ceases to exist for the foreseeable future.

And Lem is pulled backwards in his car, by an unseen force. He realizes he’s not moving the car at all.

Reckoner by Radiohead plays. It’s supposed to be Bobby’s elegant smackdown of Lacey.

High and Dry by Radiohead plays as Lem flies backward on a train track. In the car. It’s a sex song meant to come on to Lem and make him so…fucking…hard.

Lem cracks-up laughing as he’s pulled backward in his car. (With hilarious randomness) on a train track.

Then he turns off the car. Gets out and is willingly hit by a speeding train. Ripped into shreds? No. The train stops. And he walks away…as everything fades into nothing temporarily…except for Lem…and then back into a something that’s just as real as reality.

He stands and watches them as Lane Pryce talks to Lacey.

Decks Dark by Radiohead plays.

“Why-“ says Lane Pryce. He shakes.

Lacey stands up and walks into the office of Don Draper. Not the actual fictional character but the evil version of him invented by evil narcissists in their heads who watched the show.

He laughs at her.

She takes out a random fire place implement and begins beating him over the head with it. A farting police officer walks by. He shits his pants. And out of his diarrhea comes Jack Kennedy. Sent back to America by Russia.

“What the fuck!?” yells the evil police officer. He is amazed as a small man covered in poop crawls out of this pant leg on the floor.

“Hi! I’m Jack Kennedy.” says Jack Kennedy in a tiny squeaky voice. Then he dissolves into Hell through the floor.

“SEE!! I KNEW IT!!!” yells the Jewish schizophrenic on the show who thought he was a Martian.

“I’m not gay!” says Lane Pryce.

“I knew that.” he says. “Is Don dead?”

“Not me!” says the real Don Draper.

The song plays.

“What you’ve done to Lacey is way beyond the limits of normal human existence.” says Lane Pryce.

And at that he kisses Lacey.

Don is amused.

It’s just a kiss.

“That has been torturing me for days!” says Lem. “I’m sorry Lem. You’ll have to grow-up.”

Then Lacey goes downstairs for dinner.

Decks Dark by Radiohead plays.

“Why did Lacey and Lane Pryce kiss?” asks Lem.

“Was it the actor or the actual fictional character!?” asks a confused reader.

“She thinks it’s the character. I know it’s both. But mostly the character. Almost entirely the character.” says Lem.

The song plays.

“It’s because of this.

They’d be amazing together in bed. The character not necessarily the actor.

It’s sad. You have no idea how hot heterosexual sex is nowadays.

I’m sitting here listening to Joe Kennedy Junior go on and on and on and on. He’s writing Lacey a letter. But it’s written to a man. It’s written to a man. But he FAILS…MISERABLY to realize that. So he’s just grating spiritually on her soul and spirit to the point where it’s physically manifesting.

He’s calling her Sweet Tongue.

I rub my face in shock and dismay. Cup my hands over my nose and mouth.

So…see…while he’s shrieking endlessly at her like she’s the one cheating on him and he’s hurt…and they still have a chance together which is completely impossible…Lane Pryce is being flashed constantly into her mind as well. Images of him and her making love. And she’s being seduced in her spirit by his desire for her. And he does desire her. So…he snapped. And all that happened after days of that for both of them…was a kiss.

But that’s…worse…and better at the same time.

I’d write them a scene…but…you have no idea what she’s like. You refuse to accept her actual sexuality. Because it’s British and you know what sexy British women are…but you lie.

No. Dr. Moritz is German not British. And Lacey is almost entirely British in her sexuality.” says Lem.

America laughs. America cracks-up laughing like Lem is hilariously unaware.

“So you think you’re superior?” asks Lem of America.

“Lem.

Are you trying to sleep with Lacey by pretending to be a fictional character?” asks America.

“No.” says Lem. “Unfortunately…you lack a certain understanding of reality and it’s disgusting.”

“Lem you’re impersonating him.” says America.

“Yeah. That’s unintentional.” says Lem. “I’m going to write them a scene!”