“JOE THAT’S TOO DEEP!” says God.
“Where is he going?” asks Lane Pryce. “Into the depths of my sadness?”
“Yes.” says Joe.
“Wow! Good luck!!” says Lane Pryce.
“You feel like a real threat to me being with Lacey.” says Joe.
“No. That’s stupidity.
Lem is.
You and your whole family are idiots.” says Lane Pryce.
“You’re an Englishman.” says Joe Kennedy Junior.
“Yup!” says Lane.
“Are we- In other words-“ says Joe. “YOU ARE HOT!!”
“Yup.” says Lane.
“So…you’re hotter than me but I can’t fuck you.” says Joe Kennedy Junior.
“Why in…any circumstance…would I EVER fuck you?” asks Lane Pryce.
“Because I’m HOTT!” says Joe. He laughs.
“Not to me. To me you seem…peasant-like and annoying.” says Lane.
“How!??” asks Joe.
“You just are.” says Lane. “Look Joe. I’m not usually this blunt. But you’re obviously a wretched person.
Go away.”
Later.
Lacey’s neighbor told Lacey’s legal husband to paint their fence. Or rather he told her husband that they would like to paint the fence. And in passive aggressive Minnesota speak that means that he’s suggesting they should paint their fence.
They’re being weird. They need control.
They need to feel safe. And by safe I don’t mean physically safe I mean they need to feel socio-economically superior or close to it. And since that’s completely impossible they’re desperately clawing at straws. It’s ANNOYING and OBNOXIOUS.
They’re so fucking proud of themselves for owning a larger house than everyone else in the neighborhood. And for owning a big house in general. And it’s obvious they’re both from the lower class. It’s a HUGE accomplishments for them to own a house as nice as theirs. Nobody in their family is doing or has done as well as them.
Their kids are nice. But their oldest son is a brat. They’ve obviously trained him to be emotionally manipulative or he’s that way by nature because he seems to like to withhold attention from Lacey’s kids to feel power over them. The other two are a lot more chill and pleasant seemingly.
“This isn’t funny! We’re being outed.” says her neighbor in his spirit.
Bobby Kennedy Junior laughs. “She could end up dead in the next few months.”
“What!??” asks her neighbor.
“Yeah.
I’m psychotically obsessed with Lem.
It’s for real.
And…I harass them. She can’t get away from me.
So…combined with her awful childhood…and her terrible parents…and the fact that my uncle threw her down the stairs and she’s never physically recovered fully…and that Lem is in love with her according to my Vice President…and Mary my ex wife keeps talking to her…I get a strong feeling she’s gonna end up dead. I’ve heard their conversations. The ones she has with Lem.
And…honestly…the police might blame you. Depending. I mean if the car flips…you’re safe. But…they’ll wonder. And they’ll wonder about me too. Even if tis truly supernatural.
…So! How would you and your family feel if she and her kids and Mark died?” asks Bobby.
“I would feel….confused.” he says.
“CONFUSED!?” says the United Nations.
“Yeah. And…heartbroken.” he says.
“Why are you and your wife being so catty?” asks Lois Schurke, who was friends with Lacey’s family.
“Your son is Paul!” says her neighbor.
“Yes!
So why are you all being so catty!?” asks Lois.
“We’re catty people.” says her neighbor’s wife.
“Why?” asks Louis.
“Because we…have something to prove.” he says. “And…it feels like they’re in our way.”
“Yeah. We had envisioned a perfect life. And it’s worked out well…but…it often feels like she’s not that impressed with us. And that’s painful.” says her neighbor.
“Okay. But…she can’t be.” says the State of Minnesota. “She can’t be impressed. There’s nothing that’s impressive to her. Not that much.”
“She’s a lot prettier than me.” says her female wife.
“So…we have a bigger house.” says her neighbor.
B b BBB“Yeah…but…it’s…an uncommon size for us to see. Our house is on the small side. But it’s…not the most expensive house we could afford.” says Lacey.
“You’re not richer than them.” says the CIA.
“Her husband is so quiet about it.” he says.
“He’s like that.” says the CIA.
“c do you stop picking on us?” asks Lem.
“Did you hear them the other morning or not?” asks the CIA.
“Sort of.” he says.
“Did you hear clear words?” asks the CIA.
“Not that clear.” he says.
“Why are you always weird right after I do gardening?” asks Lacey.
“They didn’t plant the garden!” says her female neighbor.
“No. I did. But what did you expect!?
There are 100 year old plants in her garden too.” says the woman who lived in her house before.
“She’s a little hard to take.” says her neighbor.
“What!?” asks the CIA.
“She’s so lordly.” says her neighbor.
“That’s just her demeanor.” says the CIA.
“Why don’t they just move then?” asks her neighbor.
“It’s just too much hassle.” says Louis.
“We’re just super insecure.” says her neighbor.
“It’s hard to handle.” says Lem.
“I almost killed her tonight.” says Lane.
“Why are you killing her?” asks her neighbor.
“They feel threatened.” says Lane.
“I committed suicide this year.” says Matthew. “They’re killing us.”
“Yup!” says Keith.
“We have one of the largest oil reserves in North America almost solely in our position.” says Karen Craft.
“Has she ever told you that?” says the CIA.
“No. She barely talks to anyone.” says her neighbor.
“But you know…we ignore her.” says another one of her neighbors.
“WHY!??” screams God.
“She’s too pretty.” says one of them. “And she’s not…happy.”
“Yeah. Go on.” says Lane.
“People here in America are only friends with happy people. And I think she’s cursed.” he says.
“I’ve broken those curses many times in the Holy Spirit.
“So how weird would it be if her family is hit and crushed by a huge semi? Or a bridge falls on them?” asks the CIA.
“Well!!! They sure can’t blame me then!” says her neighbor.
“Your kids would be sad.” says Lem.
“We’re close to nuclear weapons development.” says Joe Biden. “There’s evidence North Korea has nuclear weapons.”
“Joe! Where did that come from?” asks Tsar Putin.
“Ha! Loser.” says Joe Biden.
“So. Are we going to cut a deal?” asks Tsar Putin.
“Okay.” says Joe.
“Cool! I’ll invade North Korea if you let me have all of North Korea with your help. And Ukraine.” says Tsar Putin.
North Korea laughs.
“I’ll go get him!!” says Tsar Putin.
“Oh scary!!” says North Korea.
Lacey laughs.
“You want North Korea?” asks Joe Biden.
“Yup.” says Russia.
“He’s…here a lot.” says North Korea.
Putin shrugs.
“Maybe they’re secret lovers.” says Iran mischievously.
Fire for You by Cannons plays.
“No. It’s just friendship.” says North Korea. “To a point.”
“What point?” asks Lem.
“Huh?” says North Korea.
“It’s friendship…to a point.” says Lem.
“No. It’s- It’s friendship.” says North Korea.
“To…a…point.” says Lem.
“Lem. Dude.” says North Korea.
“Oh come on!
He’s only got a small point anyway.” says Joe Biden.
“How’s that?” asks the CIA.
“He’s got a tiny penis. And…there’s not more than a few nukes anyway.” says Biden.
“Yeah. It’s just nothing.” says North Korea.
“So I’ll invade him if he has any nuclear weapons.” says Tsar Putin to Joe.
“He has nuclear weapons?” asks Joe.
“Yes.” says the CIA.
“Nah!! He’s just my good buddy.” says Russia.
“Yeah.” says Joe.
“So….everything’s cool.” says Putin.
“Aww.
I feel left out!!!” whines Joe. He laughs.
“Yeah.
But you can’t come to North Korea. Not now.” says North Korea.
“When!??” says Joe.
“Joe. It’s fine.
We’re pulling your leg.” says North Korea.
“Joe. How would I invade North Korea and win easily?” asks Russia.
“I’m confused.
Do you have nuclear missiles or not?” asks Joe.
“No.” says North Korea.
“If he did, I’d invade him for you.” says Russia.
“Yeah. You keep telling me that.” says Joe. “But I just wanna have fun.”
“You could come to Russia.” says Putin.
“Huh.
What’s in North Korea?” asks Joe.
“NUCLEAR WEAPONS!” says the CIA.
“No!! I know they have a few.
I mean…why does Putin go to North Korea!??” says Joe.
“He’s not actually here that often. I was just kidding.” says North Korea.
“Joe. North Korea has weapons. Most people do.” says Putin.
Joe looks confused.
“Joe. They’re not lovers.” says the CIA.
Joe thinks. “I feel left out.”
“Joe heard a story about a party in North Korea where Putin partied and met Elizabeth Taylor.” says the CIA to explain.
“Yeah. It’s fine.
I just like friendship.” says Joe.
“We’re not going to invade each other, Joe.” says Russia.
“Ha!
No. I just feel…sad.” says Joe.
The Sea by Morcheeba plays.
Putin rubs his eyes in exhaustion.
“Joe!! Have a good Mother’s Day.” says North Korea.
“Have a good Mother’s Day to you too, buddy.” says Joe Biden.
“Goodnight, Joe.” says Russia.
“FUCK YOU!!” says Joe.
“Huh?” says Russia, patronizingly, but not inappropriately so.
“I wanna come to the party, man!” says Joe.
“We’ll invite you next time!! Good night!” says North Korea.
He looks confused.
“Do you have nuclear missiles? …Like ones I should be scared of?” asks Joe.
“Yup!” says North Korea.
“No. If he did…I’d invade him.” says Russia.
“Yeah.
It’s a real fear factor. For everyone.” says Joe.
“For sure!!” says Putin.
“Yeah! But…it’s cool.” says North Korea.
“I’m fun.” says Joe.
North Korea is exasperated.
“You like me. Right?” says Joe.
“Goodnight!” says North Korea.
Joe laughs. “I’m not going to take this.
That ASSHOLE!” he says.
“Where’s Condoleezza?” asks Russia.
“You think my wife is a bitch!?” says Joe.
“No! Jill is lovely.” says North Korea.
“WHO!?” asks Joe.
“Jill.” says Russia.
“Is she there?” asks Joe.
“Nope. Goodbye!!” says North Korea.
“SHIT.
I’m the US President.” says Joe.
“Goodnight!!” says Russia.
“I’m not saying he doesn’t have any nuclear missiles. I’m just saying I’m a little offended.
You need to ask me first.
I’m the US President.” says Joe.
“We love you!! Goodnight!” says a Russian psychic.
“Dammit.” says Joe Biden to the CIA.
“Yeah.
They weren’t being catty.” says the CIA. “That was about Lacey’s neighbor.”
“He’s a bitch!” says Joe Biden.
“Who?” says the CIA.
“Well I don’t know. Whoever it was.
Look!!!
It’s hard to know.
You’ve got too many irons in the fire.” says Joe.
“You can’t hear certain people clearly?” asks the CIA.
“I heard them talking about a party.” says Joe.
“WHO!??” yells the CIA.
“Ahh…leaders. From some ball game? They were just…‘throwing it around.’” says Joe Biden.
“Oh!! That’s not for you.” says the CIA.
“They’re LOUD!!” says Joe Biden.
“Yeah. That’s a different conversation.” says the CIA.
“I heard them say they were moving out.” says Joe Biden.
“Those are Lacey’s neighbors. From the local university.” says the CIA.
“Huh.” says Joe.
“Yup. It’s all cool.” says the CIA.
“Too bad. Neilia was there.” says Joe.
“Where!?” asks the CIA.
“At the party.” says Joe.
“Joe there was no party.” says the CIA.
“Will I see her again?” says Joe.
“I hope so.” says the CIA.
“Good grief! You’d think I joined the circus.
You all are welcome to stay. It’s not like the party North Korea is having though.” says Joe.
“Goodnight sweetie! Kisses!” says the CIA to Joe as they secure his location.
Keen to Cross the Pond 