“Interview With My Wife” by Lem Billings

Is she my wife? No. There’s no marriage in Heaven. But that’s the closest word I can use to describe it. But Lacey’s not married to me in some weak, passive way. She’s married to me in the best sense.

Now, I need to clarify once again, that regardless of whether or not I was homosexual she’s mine. For eternity. That doesn’t and didn’t matter. If she’d been there I’d have loved her more than anything and anyone. She’s mine. Even if I was gay.

But let’s interview her. Because there are actually lots of questions to ask her.

1. Lacey, what do you think? Do you think I was gay or not?

Lacey: It might not be possible. …I tend to try to trust people, but I’m not sure I can in this case. I suspect you were possibly straight.

2. Do you think we’re together?

Lacey: I hope we are.

3. Do you feel sad right now?

Lacey: Yes. Very.

4. You know, you really would have turned my head. You’re out of my league, even if you think otherwise. Do you think otherwise?

Lacey: Yes. I didn’t at first, but then the more I fell in love with you the more I started to think you were better than me.

5. Do you feel close to your father? Tom.

Lacey: Yes.

6. What’s your favorite color?

Lacey: Aqua.

7. What’s your favorite song?

Lacey: The Lark Ascending.

8. What’s your favorite gemstone?

Lacey: Emerald.

9. Do you actually like Hermes handbags?

Lacey: I used to. But now they seem too abrasively common.

10. What’s your favorite flower?

Lacey: It’s still gladiolus.

11. What’s your favorite scent?

Lacey: Chanel No. 5. If I have to pick one.

12. Italian coast or Swiss resort?

Lacey: Italian coast.

13. Do you not wear Chanel handbags because you feel like handbags are meant for travel?

Lacey: Yes. It seems odd to me to carry one, in a way. I don’t feel that protected by men. Or loved. So I don’t feel safe being quite that openly feminine. Bucket bags are my favorite. When I carry a more traditional bag, however, I feel vulnerable and on display.

14. What’s your favorite era?

Lacey: The Art Deco Era. Emerald cut emeralds set in platinum!

15. What’s your ideal engagement ring?

Lacey:

I’d not wear it all the time.

16. Do you love me?

Lacey: I’d rather not talk about it.

17. It’s that much?

Lacey: Yes. It’s too painful to talk about.

18. You have a small emerald ring. …Do you prefer that or a diamond?

Lacey: I’m tired of pacifying evil. I prefer emeralds.

19. Evil traditions?

Lacey: Yes. I hate evil traditions.

More later.

20. Do you find men today as attractive as me?

Lacey: Unfortunately or fortunately no. They’re good-looking, but no. They’re often not that attractive to me compared to you and other men in the Greatest Generation.