“Old Money Nesheims” by Lem Billings

So what did their 3,000 sq. ft. house look like?

“Eww! That’s not impressive.” says the They Illuminati.

“It was a new house. We built it in 1929.” says Gunhild. “It’s never been mortgaged.”

“It’s never been mortgaged?” says the They in the Illuminati. “Ahh…who cares? Everything is mortgaged.”

“I’m totally unimpressed. But…we’ll let it slide considering they’re Norwegian.” says the They in the Illuminati. “And I suppose their abundance is close to or is technically wealth.”

“Let’s move on.

So…they were silversmiths to the royalty of Norway or Sweden in the 1700’s?” asks the They.

“Yes! That’s my legal ancestor.” says Lacey.

“They wrote a book about us.” says this dead man. “Because we were such expert silversmiths.”

“What did you make?” ask the They in the Illuminati.

“Candle holders. Silverware. Jewelry. Bowls. Things of an ornamental nature. …Possibly a lot of candelabras.” he says. “Or candle holders.”

“And eating utensils.” says Jay Z.

“Well…yes. But we might have focused more on other things.” says this man.

“You sound elite and impressive now.” says the They in the Illuminati. “So Lacey must be lying now!!”

“No. Oprah…this is historical fact.” he says.

“Nevermind! What’s historical fact!??” scoffs JFK.

“It’s actual reality.” says the dead silversmith.

And at that it’s made clear that the They in the Illuminati can’t let themselves cognitively connect the idea of the historic silversmiths to the present day Nesheims and Berges. They can’t let them be connected. They literally are keeping their brains from processing that.

“Yeah. I see her and she’s so unusually beautiful…but…as much as I hate her because I feel intimidated…I also refuse to let my brain process that the person who I’m talking to is the person who’s intimidating me.” says one of her neighbors.

“Crap.” says Mariska Hargitay. “She really is prettier than me.”

“Yes.” says Lem.

“Well…let’s not focus on that!” says JFK. “Let’s focus on how much more wealthy my family was.”

“Before we had oil. We were millionaires. But we weren’t as wealthy as the Kennedys before they could drill our oil.” says Mark Nesheim.

“So you were millionaires in Norway?” asks Hollywood.

“In some cases, yes. In some cases no. It’s not America. And we don’t have the patience to describe it all.” says Gunhild.

“So your relatives were millionaires. And your family might have been. …But Nil’s family were not?” asks the Illuminati.

“Possibly! …His family were middle class. Or upper middle class. It depends on how you look at it.” says Gunhild. “And we use his last name by custom. But my lineage still matters.”

“We were educated. But we didn’t have as much land as Gunhild. In Norway.” says Nils. “And it’s possible the land was inferior quality to their land.”

“Did you grow-up near a fjord Nils?” asks the Illuminati.

“Maybe! I spent hours in the fjords.” says Nils.

“So you were landed?” asks the King of Norway.

“We had some land. But…it wasn’t that much.” says Nils. “And it belonged to my older brother when my father died.”

“So that was a middle class farm.” says Harvey Weinstein.

“Yes. We’d had that land for…about a hundred years.” says Nils.

“Where were you before then?” asks the CIA.

“In the 1600’s?” asks Nils.

“Yes.” says the CIA.

“Oh…my…God.” says a reader.

“We were rich.” says Gunhild’s family.

“We…were…still farmers?” says Nils.

“Wow. That’s actually a very pristine pedigree.” says a reader.

“No it’s not.” says JFK.

“No! It is. Financially stable Scandinavians for over 500 years?” says a reader. “When have they ever lost money?”

“Probably never.” says her neighbor.

“But they have never been as rich as us!!” says JFK.

“We don’t lose money.

After I died we were in trouble. We had trouble. But we never lost the farm. And we are wealthy now.” says Lacey’s great great grandfather who was a math tutor in Norway.

“So you all mastered the art of financial literacy and stability hundreds and hundreds of years ago.” says the CIA to the Nesheims.

“Yes!” says Mark.

“We do have trillions in oil now. But…it’s in the ground.” says Nils.

“Do you want us to give you the money or do you want us to stop drilling oil?” asks the CIA.

“Oil is bad for the environment. So no.” says Nils. “But…we can’t control you.”

“True.” says Norway.

“So the only real poverty are Estvolds who now are millionaires from 20th Century land investments, and the Johnsons who have the knighted author?” says a reader.

“Yes!” says Nils. “The Crafts were middle class.”

“What did the Estvolds invest in?” asks her neighbor. “So the poorest people were like us. Other than for the knighted author and these Estvolds.”

“Yes! Well they were wealthier and less wealthy.” says the CIA.

“We bought thousands of acres of land outside of Minneapolis. In the 1970’s. And sold it in the last 20 years. For millions.” say the Estvolds.

“How did you all know to do that!??” asks her neighbor.

“We studied the trends.” says an Estvold.

“Yup. That’s how you do it.” says Lacey’s legal father.

“So you just rightfully bought land.” says a reader.

“Yup. As rightfully as can be, given US law.” says an Estvold. “Meaning it’s all extremely legal. But if you have a problem with the morality of US views of property rights you might disagree with my millions, so to speak.”

“So in your astounding wealth you’re all morally almost untouchable?” asks a Native American of the Nesheims.

“Oh. It’s just trillions in oil.

But yes. And millions and millions and millions made in investments.” says a Nesheim.

“How much was Diego worth?” asks a reader, laughing.

“$4 million.” says Chris Hayes.

“And Chris is worth $6 million. So…combined with Erin…and one or two other famous journalists they’re worth LESS than Joni?” asks a reader.

“Yes.” says the CIA.

“So why is the Illuminati defending them?” asks the perfume community. “That’s just one Nesheim compared to four famous journalists.”

“Because those journalists are friends with Hollywood elite.” says Harvey Weinstein.

“And the Hollywood elite are worth trillions in a necessary commodity?” asks the perfume community.

“NO! Not at all. They’re not often heavily invested in solid commodities. More businesses and sometimes land. They make some money off human trafficking. But…they’re connected to old money families who Lacey’s attached to for sentimental reasons. Or the like.” says Harvey Weinstein.

“Are any of those people worth trillions in a necessary commodity?” asks a reader.

“Rarely.” says Iran.

“So you’d still have to deal with the Nesheims either way.” says the CIA to the Illuminati, to remind them of reality.

“Yes.” says Joe Biden.

“No. I’m telling you that.” yells the CIA.

Joe Biden blinks.

“Mmm. My gut sense says their money isn’t real.” says a socialite.

“No. That’s not possible.” says the CIA.

“No!! My gut sense says…’The Nesheims aren’t real.’” says the socialite.

“You aren’t as pretty as Lacey.” says the CIA.

“That’s impossible!” she says, laughing.

“No. That’s reality. And their money is too.” says the CIA.

“I make it go AWAY!” yells the socialite.

“You can’t. Not without destroying the whole fucking world.” says the CIA.

“NOOO!!” she yells, crying. “It’s not true.”

“No. It’s reality.” says CIA.

“Then she’s destroyed Christianity.” says the socialite. “Because if there’s reincarnation this proves…there’s something to Hindu theology.”

“No. It’s in Christianity if there’s reincarnation.” says the CIA.

“Fine!!” yells the socialite.

“You know…I just hate their aesthetic.” says Jesse Ventura. “It’s so…blasé.”

“Lacey’s not.” says her neighbor.

“Compared to some people she is.” says a British aristocrat.

“Okay. Show two of the most posh Nesheim houses.” says a socialite.

“Purchased pre oil! And one post oil!” says Shelly Craft.

“That’s all pre oil. And pre Stock Market millions.” says Shelly. “Well…mostly.”

“How big is that house?” asks a reader.

“This was the reunion. Umm…2,800 sq. ft.” says Nils.

“It doesn’t look that big.” says her neighbor.

“It isn’t to us. It’s not small. But it’s certainly not big.” says Gunhild.

“That’s pre oil. That’s a Victorian house on Port Townsend. Owned and renovated by Gwen.” says Shelly. “Her husband was the judge. All with pre oil money.”

“That’s my post oil mansion.” says Shelly.

“That’s Gwen. Her husband built that house with pre oil money. It’s smaller than the other house. And newer. The idea is for Gwen to be able to live there until she dies.” says Shelly.

“How many square feet is that house?” asks Jay Z.

“2,100?” says Gwen.

“That’s not that small.” says a reader.

“No. But the other house was around 3,000?” says Gwen. “It was closer to 3,000. And it was old.”

“Where is her new house?” asks a reader.

“Vashon Island.” says Lacey.

“How many people in that family have pre oil houses in Seattle worth over 1 million?” asks her neighbor.

“Five?” says Lacey.

“Over 2 million?” asks her neighbor.

“Two or three?” says Lacey.

“All pre oil?” says the perfume community.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Then why you think $350 bottle of perfume is a big deal?!?” asks the perfume community of Lacey.

“Because it’s a lot of money for perfume. Not that perfume isn’t an art. But it’s…perfume.” says Lacey.

“Lacey I think human life and happiness is the only thing of any real value to you.” says Africa.

“True!” says Lacey. “Which is all impossible without Christ.”

“No. It is a lot!” says the perfume community.

“Yes! Really anything over $30 is a lot.” says Lacey.

“I agree.” says reader on food stamps, laughing.

“It’s just perfume. In a way.” says Lacey.

“Yes. The old bottles of perfume were made without plastic. Plastic ages badly compared to glass.” says an old British aristocrat.

“Exactly.” says Lacey.

“So…what’s the point of this conversation?” asks a perfume collector.

“I think we like Tom Banks’s aesthetic better. He had enough money to own a very impressive mansion. Easily. But he chose this $2 million house instead. And it’s annoying to the current Illuminati but…more palatable than the Nesheims.” says a They in the Illuminati.

“Nah! That’s a shithole.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“No. It’s really not. At all.” says the CIA.

“Mm. I’d prefer a larger house.” says Lacey.

“Yes. She’s just being honest. But…I’d have wanted one too if she’d been ours when I was younger.” says Rita Banks.

“The house Lacey could have grown-up in.” says Shelly.

“Yeah. That’s beginning to be passable.” says Bobby.

“Bobby you’re bankrupt.” says the CIA. “You rely on your wife’s money.”

“So!?! That’s common!” says Bobby.

“Where does the money come from? That you have?” asks the CIA.

“It circles. It- It circles back to me.” says Bobby.

“From where!??” asks the CIA.

“From the family of origin I came from.” says Bobby.

“So you’re making money off your family name?” asks the CIA.

“Yes!” says Bobby, drunk.

“We’ll have to discuss that later.” says the CIA.

“So the Nesheims have never been without land. They always own land?” asks Nancy.

“Yes. We’ve constantly owned land since the 1300’s.” says Nils.

“Wow. What about Lacey’s family?” asks Nancy.

“They didn’t. They were the weirdos. Of the family. She’s not like them. She’s not even their daughter other than legally. …But…they spent weeks every year on Nesheim land. So…she was raised on our land anyway.” says Nils.

“Weeks?!!” says a neighbor.

“Yes! She could walk by herself for blocks as a child with the dog. Every day in the summer. On just our land.” says Nils.

“So she had the childhood memories of a landed aristocrat.” says a reader.

“It was our land for as far the as the eye could see.” says Nils. “On sunny days she used to just stare into the horizon and listen to classical music. On her Walkman.”

Concerto grosso in C minor, Op. 6, No. 3 by Corelli plays.

“That was amazing. But it was ‘just the farm.’” says Lacey.

“And there were no safety issues?” asks a perfume collector.

“In the pre-2000’s? None! It’s still fairly safe now. But in the 1990’s it was very safe!” says Nils.

“So…it was like a Jane Austen novel?” asks a perfume collector.

“No! England is not the same. North Dakota is the Wild West, basically. So you feel…closer to the Bahamas than the English countryside. And you are. …It’s very beautiful. But it’s not England.” says Lacey.

“That’s where you saw a full body apparition!” says a Native American.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Shit! No one is going to believe us Lem was gay anymore!” says JFK, worried.

“Jack why do you need Lem?” asks the CIA.

“Because! He’s my dude! He’s my best friend! He’s my favorite person…in the whole room! He’s…my way into the old money upper class. He acknowledged me and I got upgraded friends. It’s cool.” says JFK.

“But Lacey’s family controls your family.” says the CIA.

“Yes. So what!? …She is in love with my brother! It’s cool!!!” says JFK.

“What year are you in, Jack?” asks the CIA.

“2023.” says Jack.

“Nancy…why don’t you give Lacey credit? And openly acknowledge she’s better looking than you?” asks Hong Taiji. “That’s better plan!”

“Because I see myself as a real rival of Meghan Markle.” says Nancy.

“She’s not the Duchess of Sussex anymore. Why does the internet internet she is?” asks Russia.

“Because we have no fucking clue what we’re doing anymore in the US.” says the CIA.

“How are you a rival of Meghan Markle?” asks the CIA.

“I rent a $700,000 house in Nevada.” says Nancy. “We pay $3,000 a month. And I drive a Mercedes.”

“But how does that make you her rival?” asks the CIA.

“Because! I’m just as pretty as her!” says Nancy. “And I’ve slept with F. Scott Fitzgerald’s ghost.”

“But then that makes Lacey and Joni more important than the former Duchess of Sussex.” says a flummoxed Millennial Englishwoman.

“What if they are!??” yells an Englishman.

“Merry fir love?” says Lacey. “Yes. But Philip was always concerned. Wasn’t he.”

“I was.” says Philip.

“You’re not superior to Meghan.” says Oprah to Nancy.

“Oh! You’re going to say that!?” says Lacey.

“I am. Right?” says Meghan.

Lacey thinks. “Yes. Purely through sex in legal marriage.”

“To me?” says Harry.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. We’re poor…but…I have lavish tastes. And…I’m kind of pretty. How am I that much inferior to the Duchess of Sussex?” asks Nancy.

“But Nancy is inferior to me???” says Jan Hertel.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Meghan is very lowly, really.” says Lem.

“But she went to good schools. And did modeling and was a yacht girl and then did successful television shows.” says Lacey.

“And married well enough once before.” says Lem.

“No. She’s a tramp. A tramp vamp.” says Lacey. “But…it seems like Harry loved her.” She thinks. “Maybe he still does.”

“I’m not a famous person. But I live lavishly. And I’m certainly a tramp vamp.” says Nancy.

“The money simply loses meaning. After a certain point.” says Lacey.

“My second wife was sort of a tramp vamp.” says Louis.

“So was Slim Keith!!” says Nancy.

“So Nancy you’d rather live like an heiress of your imagination than actually have the real wealth and power?” asks the CIA.

“I care…but I think most of you will cease to exist or go to Hell…or wish you’d never been born. Because you all have no appreciation or respect for real power.” says Nancy. “And I’m beneath most of you. So why wouldn’t I not care too?”

“We don’t need real power. We have solutions.” says a woman in the They Illuminati.

“I know in my heart that Lemmers is with Jack right now in Germany.” says Bobby.

“But that’s his willful denial of reality.” says a reader.

“SO WHAT!? I wear fake nails. And have a nose job. BIG DEAL!?? It’s all just fake anyway.” says a They in the Illuminati.

“No. THAT’S INSANE!” says the CIA.

“Then why is she so careful with her money?” asks the woman.

“You’re assuming way too much. And conflating lots of things.” says the CIA.

“I don’t care. I’m enjoying my best life! …And if I suffer for eternity…OH WELL.” says the They.

“You won’t feel that way then!” says the CIA.

“The future isn’t real. I read that. It’s Buddhism. There is NO…reality…other than the present.” says the They, like they’re conjuring the Holy Spirit.

“Is that what you tell yourself when you have a stomach virus?” says the Illuminati to itself.

“I’m not in that moment right now.” she says.

“But you feel tired.” says the Illuminati.

“Yes.” she says.

“So go kill yourself.” says Great Britain.

“I can’t. Oops. I’m a goddess. Goddesses get tired.” she says, like she’s trapped them.

“You’ll never feel any different than you do right now!” says the CIA.

“FOREVER.” says the Illuminati.

“Go AWAY! I’m meditating!!” she yells, crying all of the sudden.

“I could have owned the Congdon Mansion.” says Tom Banks.

Later.

Meghan Markle proves that she’s very possibly more sane than Nancy. At least.

“Lacey. Your father-in-law was going to give you their pied a terre.” says Meghan. “Free. To own.”

“Yes. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. For $400,000 or so.” says Lacey.

“And you all declined.” says Meghan.

“Yes. We didn’t want him controlling us. And we didn’t want to live in Pennsylvania.” says Lacey.

Lem laughs. “Oh well.”

“So you had the option to own a $500,000 condo. For free. And you declined.” says Casi.

“Yes!” says Mark.

“So…you’d have just owned $500,000.” says Casi.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

Meghan laughs.

“So that’s not typical.” says Meghan.

“Isn’t it?” says Lacey.

“No!!!” says the CIA.

“I suppose not.” says Lacey.

“Growing-up in an apartment messed with your head, Lacey.” says Casi.

Lacey waits for more analysis.

“Most people don’t have a cabin either.” says Meghan.

“Oh! A cabin!?

*Then Lacey thinks*

Oh! I suppose?” she says.

“No. They really don’t.” says her neighbor.

“They’re so cheap.” says Lacey.

“They can be!” says a Minnesotan.

“My father’s is only $250,000 at most.” says Karrie (not Lacey).

“Yeah. That’s cheap.” says a reader.

“Why doesn’t he sell it?” asks a reader.

“He’s too attached.” says Karrie.

“Why did he buy it?” asks a reader.

“He just wanted it. And so did Cory.” says Karrie.

“So he has two new ATVS, a cheap cabin, a new big truck…and his cousins gave a nice big new cabin?” says a reader.

“Yes. With a boat. In Northern Minnesota. On a nice lake.” says Karrie.

“Why did he buy such a cheap cabin?” asks a reader.

“He donated $200,000. And Lacey got a $250,000 inheritance.” says Karrie.

“Yeah. There’s $650,000! And he’d own that.” she says.

“Yes. But he had fun.” says Karrie.

“And he’s still getting money?” asks a reader.

“Yes.” says Karrie.

“Lacey!?” says the Illuminati.

“Yes!?” says Lacey.

“You’re quiet.” says the Illuminati.

“I’m listening, thinking…and there’s not a ton to say.” says Lacey.

“That’s just like how JFK would be as a woman!” says a gay man.

“No! It’s not.” says Doris Kearns Goodwin. “He was shy. But he’s not be right now. Not in this situation.”

“Why are you so quiet?” asks a gay man of Lacey.

“I just explained!” says Lacey, politely.

“Why do you think having a pied a terre is common?” Meghan asks Lacey.

Not having sorted out reincarnation Lacey is unsure what to say.

“It is common, among certain people.” says Colin Firth.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“My in-laws sort of had one.” says a reader.

“Yeah! It’s very common. In a way.” says Lacey.

“Well! And it’s just in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.” says a Frenchman.

“Bingo.” says Lacey.

“Your father’s house was his pied a terre.” says someone to Lacey.

She thinks. “In a way. Maybe.”

“Lacey it’s not normal.” says Casi.

“I know that. But I don’t know that.” says Lacey.

“So…tell us more about this…world you live in. That’s not what you know, but rather know.” says a reader.

“Nobody is rich. Very few people in human history ever have been. Ancient Egypt was upper middle class. At the time.

Lem might love me. He might hate me.

I might be going to Hell. I hope I’m not.

I might be extremely beautiful or a ball of flubber.

Maybe no human being has ever been that beautiful.

Life is mostly worthless fucking shit if you’re not loved. Mostly. Obviously my kids aren’t worthless!

Maybe most people are too stupid to go to Hell. That’s both good and bad?“ says Lacey.

“So what about social class?” asks Meghan.

“What about it?” says Lacey.

“You seem so cheerful?” says a woman to Lacey.

“Hmm. That’s me being polite. You’re supposed to assume that most people are in a good mood. That’s normal appropriate social behavior. Why do you all read that as being my mood?” asks Lacey.

“Because if you’re in a bad mood you’re my superior.” says a reader.

“How’s that!?” asks the CIA.

“Because she’s incredibly sad.” says a reader.

“Yes. So why do you care?” asks the CIA.

“Because she’s a vulnerable person. She’s a vulnerable rich person. It’s too tempting.” explains a narcissist.

“Yeah. But why do you assume you’re safe?” ask Matthew Nesheim.

“We’re not used to people like her.” says America.

“Lacey why did you do the late Victorian aesthetic?” asks an upper middle class Jewish woman.

“It’s artistically superior. Or was.” says Lacey.

“That’s objectively true.” says someone.

“What’s the point of this conversation? I’m sorry, Meghan!” says Lacey.