“My Generation” by Lem Billings

(Sunday Morning, May 19th, 2024)

What you may not have understood is the fact that Lacey isn’t like most women, even in my generation. She’s not unlike them though, in my generation, in a way. They stood by us.

Lacey straight. Lacey’s cis. Lacey’s really not anything but normal at all, in that regard. What she is though is…of an ethereal beauty the belongs in solid, lasting form in and to Heaven. And so…if you’ve wondered why I never lost myself in passion with another woman…well…it’s quite simple in a way.

I was very attractive. And I was very attracted to women. But I didn’t want to harm anyone. I didn’t want to harm any woman with my self-mislabeled homosexuality. I felt I was far better off leaning in to that (misunderstanding of myself) than to try to be a normal man. Well…I felt that way for most of my life. It didn’t make me happy…and my family knew that…but I was determined to be honorable. And it felt more honorable to me to try to be honest and mindful of others by being what I misunderstood myself as being. I was horribly wrong…but my heart was in the right place, so to speak.

So what did happen? Well…I kissed three or so women who weren’t terribly attractive. And it was mildly pleasurable. But I just wasn’t that attracted to them as individuals. …And the women who I was more attracted to assumed I was gay or were waiting for me to make the first move, as was typical in my generation. Most women in my generation didn’t come on to men. Not typically. Might sound unbelievable today, but that’s what women were expecting from men and what they were expected to do. Really. There wasn’t a dichotomy between reality and some sexual ideal back then. Women were very much pursued and men were far more aggressive and assertive. That’s not just mythology.

So…there were no hot women coming on to me, so to speak. There were a few loose women and prostitutes who associated with Jack Kennedy, but I found those women to be a turn-off. They were so…shallow, and pushy and…dull. All men have an emotional component to their seemingly superficial attractions to women, even if they lie about it. No human is capable of being the psychologically lacking. And I…did too.

But…I didn’t have much temptation. It’s not as if Grace Kelly got bored with Jack and came on to me. Those women just weren’t fascinated with me in that way. I was attractive…but not like some people. And I was very good at acting. I was very good at acting homosexual. So…again…women just didn’t know I was actually available. People wondered and still wonder if I was actually gay…because I wasn’t…but…I women don’t usually find that appealing anyway. They don’t enjoy that. And they used to be healthier and expect more from men. So…women weren’t coming on to me.

Lacey…is unusually beautiful. Women are beautiful. And Lacey is an unusually beautiful woman. So…most men would have felt incredibly lucky with her coming on to them from age 18 to 39. In the last year she’s aged some. And she’s still exquisite. No joke. …But…if I’m being brutally honest…she’s not as attractive as she used to be to the average adult male. She is to me. But she’s aged. And really…she is to me. But men are…ruthlessly picky. …They still stare and lust…but…men really are that vicious. And she used to be a rare beauty. But all humans are like that as they age. No exceptions.

At any rate…her at any age with me…but…before 40…coming on to a man was the stuff of legend. And…I…was straight. So…that’s how…she’s different. She…was extraordinarily beautiful and sexy. And…it wouldn’t have just been a temptation with me. I found her soul and find her soul…too dear to discuss with almost anyone but God. So…when she came on to me…(after I came on to her to be honest) I was- I don’t think I can talk about it. It was too personal and important to me…but…I was better than happy. And yes, I came on to her first. …Would I have? Yes. Because I would have fallen in love with her and not been able to restrain myself. But she’s the same way with me.

Why didn’t I find someone like that other than her? …Why hasn’t Lacey come on to anyone alive? Because she hasn’t. She’s asked men out but she’s never come on to them. …I just never found a woman who I loved like that. I had a few ordinary crushes and I could have fallen mildly in love with someone and been far happier than I was…but nothing like Lacey. I can’t love just anyone.

And that’s what’s so sick about this business with Jack. First of all, I was psychologically not able to defend myself so I said some very stupid stuff I meant to be mysterious and subtly ironic and sarcastic. And I didn’t realize how…convincing my act was, partially because I didn’t fully consciously realize I was just acting. My gay mannerisms didn’t spring from a place in my spirit, but rather from my logical mind. So they had no root in reality. They were merely an act. That’s all. Actual gay men act similarly at times but as an expression of their inner selves; their actual feelings and desires and thoughts. I was merely acting, so it was all…fake, as authentic as it may have seemed at times or does seem. …Actually though, people did question it. …But regardless, I was not magically in love with Jack. I…wasn’t actually in love with him at all. That’s all a lie. I was a beautiful soul with lots of love to give…but…I never gave that love to Jack. That’s not real. That’s a potentially half-accurate armchair analysis of me…and a plethora of assumptions or outright lies.

At any rate, you should be careful. I’m real.

…So yes. She’s just mine. She’s different in the exact same way all people are different around the exact right person. And many love stories or tragedies are based on that premise. The idea that we are all painfully and wonderfully unique.

Thing is, I had parents who loved me. I had siblings who loved me. She has none of that. …So…as miserable as my life was I always knew I mattered. I knew I existed. And eventually I realized I was heterosexual and just a tragic, lost fraud at life. A man who had sacrificed his own desires and human needs wholly to be honorable and to try to love a spoiled egomaniac with very little sense of decency or honor.

You know…Casi, a lower class American perfume collector, misunderstood. Lacey isn’t me. She isn’t a female Jack Kennedy either. …Casi…Lacey doesn’t know she’s old money. She knows she is. But…she’s not been loved. So…she’ll argue, rightfully, that she’s old money. But she can’t think why you care so damn much. That sort of thinking belongs to those of us who have experienced human love. So…just like she’d jump off a bridge praying for Christ’s mercy if she was homeless and without her kids…she writes that she’s old money and then shops at Bentley & Skinner. It’s barely different. Her psychological state buying a $30,000 diamond is relatively similar to what she’d experience if her kids were in Heaven and she was committing suicide as a homeless person. And no that’s not to say her life is worth $30,000. It’s that…she’s a strong Christian…and the joy of buying an expensive ring and wearing it…is for her comparable to the joy a homeless person in her case might feel as they contemplate Heaven as they jump and fall, before going unconscious. It’s not a competition to her. It’s about order. And she’s correct. There is an order to everything. …She’s a winner compared to you, but a possible loser compared to Queen Elizabeth. So why bother competing!? Whereas, when you’re loved…you have dreams. She has no dreams. Not really. …Maybe to do this or that and buy this it or that…but…people have really been very evil to her.

Dr. Moritz was basically the last straw. He was…slightly impressive. But…he was heartless to her. Absolutely heartless. …He was drunk and he chose to start bragging to her about a cheerleader he knew in high school who had a crush on him. How he’d partied with her growing-up and then met her later as an adult and she’d confessed to him that she had had a crush on him. And then he started talking to her like she was too young to be interested in him for any normal reason or any healthy reason, which is so sick and backward. …She’s 40. He’s in his 60’s. She looked young. But in truth…she’s middle-aged! …She’s far from too young for him. But to people today it must seem possible or he’s just a particularly bizarre person.

But no…you’re a loser for how you treated her. You were the one with an evil heart who was garbage in relation to her. And then so many other people were too.

The thing is…you’re never going to get what you want from her. Because she’s not your equal. And you can’t take away her dreams. Because there are no dreams to destroy. What you’re seeing instead on Instagram are her brave attempts to enjoy what little she has in life. Those aren’t dreams. That’s her legal right. That’s what trillions in oil is to the world at large in 2024. That’s her admirable, brave character. That’s all. …You were pathetically competing with a prisoner. A prisoner in a gilded cage who is alive for God and her kids. FOR GOD and her kids.

So while she romanticized yard waste sites and traffic and mashed potatoes to try to have fun…you assumed things. You assumed things that fit your narrative and the narrative of popular society. You made up nonsense. …And it’s sad. Because when people made up nonsense about me it was based on my actual personality to some degree. …The woman you’ve created in your head and who others have created is violently different than reality, or so it seems. …She never reacts the way you all anticipate because you’ve invented a different person possibly all together.

She’s not cold. No. But…she’s far more quiet and sweet and thoughtful than people often like to admit. Not timid. Not reticent. Self-protective and genuinely reserved. No, not like you stupidly wish Jack Kennedy was. Jack was supposedly shy, but he was also slightly sociopathic and bullied and a closeted bisexual. He had a lot to hide…and he was scared…and he was calculating how to attack people. He was not a particularly introspective person. What great and Godly insights did he ever share about himself? Ever! None. Other than saying he could never love anyone, but merely admire them. And no…we had no love pact. Again, I was far too happy at his wedding. There isn’t one photo where the depth of sadness necessary was there. And I look too happy otherwise. Queen Camilla looked as I should have at Charles’s wedding to Diana…if I was gay. Or really even bisexual. And not just…acting.

…Lacey isn’t emotionless and cold. No. But today she’s going to wear a perfume that suits her better than Chanel No. 22. Better than most. I love Youth Dew on her. The public likes when she wears Jo Malone. But I also love Houbigant on her. And…she wears it very well. It’s…not who you thought she was and is. I’m sorry you don’t know my wife. Thank God I do. My kids do. Her legal husband does to some extent.

“Lem! What happened in Boston!??” asks Ken Schiebel about 2012.

Lem smiles.

“She was staying at a historic hotel in downtown Boston with Mark. And she got…drunk. And yes…demons and dead Kennedys were attacking her. And tormenting her. …And so she felt…suicidal and incredibly angry. And…she went for a walk…with Mark chasing after her…around downtown Boston. At night. But he was quick and he kept up with her. And then she gave-up and decided to…let go…even more. …There’s sadly a reason she can talk to me so easily.

Your son is a genius. Yes. And…he can be very loving…but…he’s very mildly autistic. Very mildly. And…he had attachment issues from childhood. And that’s all I’ll say for now.” says Lem.

“Who does she talk to?” asks Ken.

“Me. God. …Sometimes Mark. …She has a rather horrifically lonely life. But she’s wise.” says Lem. “You know…I had a lonely life too though. I just didn’t know that, fully. …Because I had my family. And…that masked the stench of a lot of my mistakes. And…I mistook people being around me…for not being alone. And…yes…I knew. I knew I was alone. But…I was like her. I…ignored it because I was trying to be honorable. I was trying to be good. …And I felt I couldn’t do any better.

…And Jack ruined me. He controlled my life. He did make a big difference. …And…unlike Lacey I felt I could have been happy. …At her age I still had secret hopes. She gave up on that, and for sound reasons, at age 28.” says Lem. “Her life is Hell compared to mine. Although…I had to act gay sexually…which is truly disgusting. She’d never do that. I forced myself to…to try to be happy. Like taking vile medicine or acquiring a taste for something. And it never made me happy and I was always ready to part ways as soon as possible. But…I just figured I was a loser.” says Lem. “And that was part of the reason I admired Jack so much even while I was being abused and attacked and I couldn’t stand him. Because…I felt I didn’t deserve any better. Right? I wasn’t even good at being gay!”

Later.

“Lem…why has Lacey given-up?” asks a reader.

“Because…all the even vaguely possible men are taken. Truly. I’ve checked! …I have! I’ve really checked. More than once, even though that makes no sense. …Skippy is taken. They’re gone. …OFF the market.

…And…honestly…she’s really of my generation. She prefers me. I wasn’t gay looking. I was actually straight looking.

And you might think I’m an ugly old man…but she doesn’t. *I smile* Yeah…I look…awful. And my face looks gay somehow…because I made it look that way….but I actually physically by nature look like a straight guy. A straight guy wearing a silly hat, so to speak.

*I smile*

Lacey loves me. It’s wonderful when you find someone who really loves you. They often love your supposed flaws like they’re not flaws at all.

But…that’s not…- The thing is, I’m her ideal. My mind, my bone structure, my height…my coloring. The way I aged. I’m her ideal. Let’s be frank. …So…while she theoretically could have found another man like me 50 years ago…it’s far more difficult now. There rarely are men who even vaguely resemble me around anymore. And so finding a genuine replacement for me or really any of the ghosts who she could love is essentially near impossible.

And if I was straight and merely acted homosexual (you can see it if you know what you’re looking for in the photo above)…as I’m saying I did…she’s my first love. Actual love. Not what you read in a book. Not some hypothesis. Real love. I truly love her. …And…I’m not keen on letting her go. I had a miserably lonely life…and now that we’re together…I’m not ready to let her go.

And that’s the thing. If I’m real…and it certainly seems I am…based on evidence…and her spiritual sense of me…then…I’m real. And so…when God allowed her to start interacting with me He essentially pulled the plug. There was no going back, almost at all.

Dr. Moritz…was older…and local…and he went to Cambridge. But…he wasn’t me. He wasn’t Michael. He wasn’t Harold. Or Elliott or Louis. …There are so many dead men who want to be with her. It’d be very difficult for any living man who isn’t perfect for her to stand a chance.

The thing is…she’s legally married. And Mark and her are financially secure. Divorced not so much, though. They’d be fine. But…it’s hardly worth the trouble. Their kids do better when they’re married…and frankly neither of them have anyone they’d rather be with who’s alive. They’re very supportive of each other as much as they can be. Until their kids are grown there’s no way Mark will want to remarry. And Lacey…will never remarry, because I won’t let her. And financially she’s much more stable now than she’d be with most men.

Dr. Moritz isn’t financially stable enough anymore to support her. And he was foolish. So when he prattled on about sleeping on floors in Hawaii’s airport…she felt bad about it…but she had to decline. It seemed like a hellish thing to have to do to just see Hawaii. …He has a nice house. Two actually. One in Germany and one in Minnesota. But…that’s his retirement, most likely. Maybe he has some savings…but…she reasoned that she’d have to really love him to deal with his lack of money. And so when he went on and on about the cheerleader…it was almost assuredly over. He had a slim chance of recovery, and he lost it. He just couldn’t be…empathetic.

Funny thing is…he’s still hopeful. He’s still hoping to find someone. And he’s not necessarily wrong! …Most people are capable of finding love until their dead. …It’s the rare exception like Lacey who might not be.

Look…you look at me and believe I was gay. And think I’m average. Maybe somewhat good-looking. …But that’s not her view. Not at all! …And…that’s because she loves me. But it’s also, again, because I’m different looking. Men from my generation were different. There’s no way to say it nicely, because it’s just sad. And can’t make men today look and smell and act like us. Be us.

…Maybe she had a chance to be happy. But at 40…the way things are…God is allowing me to talk with her for a reason.” says Lem.

“That’s not…possible!” says a Millennial.

“Why?” asks Lem.

Daydreaming by Radiohead plays. (2 PM central)

“God would never allow that!” says a Millennial.

“There are people with two heads.” says Lem.

They sit stumped.

“God is real. But so is evil. And God is more powerful…but the mortal world is fallen.” says Lem.

“Is there any photo of you not being gay?” asks a Millennial.

“Yes!! But they’re not public.

Actually…the photo above isn’t the worst photo of me. I was so drugged I had a harder time acting gay, even though I still tried. …It’s comical in a way. …Because I did try. And it was so forced. *I laugh slightly* …But some people still believed it.

Yes. There are some photos.” says Lem.

“Why did you dote on Bobby?” asks Hollywood.

Lem thinks. Sighs. Thinks more. “I was expected to babysit him. …And…he was…annoying. I’m sorry. But he was a difficult kid. …And then he was outright evil. And I made a decision to try to let him die…if necessary. I couldn’t stand him, at times. He was rude, condescending and he and every intent of getting all of his siblings addicted to deadly drugs. …I felt he was a sociopath.

So…I did patronize him and others at times to be clever. Because I thought if I acted like a buddy they’d not notice that I was encouraging them all to kill themselves with their own evil before they could harm others.” says Lem.

“So it was fake?” asks an actress.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Do any of you ever show concern for her other than ghosts? And the English and old people?” asks a reader.

They stare at him silently. Behind masks, so to speak.

“Not really.” says the CIA.

“So it fits with reality, not a hallucination.” says a reader.

“Yes.” says a psychologist.

“Anyway…yes. I had every intent on killing him. Him and anyone else in that generation who was that evil.” says Lem.

“So you weren’t raffish and evil? You were…morbidly depressed after being clinically depressed since being molested and losing your dad in your early teens. And you were sad because Jack made it all make sense…even if you didn’t actually love him. Well…beyond friendship.” says a reader.

“Yes.

I thought I loved him. But it was really just my attempt at love. It wasn’t a real relationship, and I didn’t love him any more than…my third grade teacher. But I thought it was more…because I felt it should be. …I had a good heart. But I had no idea what real romantic love was, or I imagined it was impossible.” says Lem.

“Even though you secretly hoped for it?” asks a reader.

“Yes!

When…it was this exact moment in May in 1981…I felt…

Tinker Tailor Sailor Soldier Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief by Radiohead plays.

No…I’ll tell you. But you won’t believe me. Oh well.

I was almost burnt out. Meaning my body couldn’t take more drugs. I was old and worn thin.

And Bobby killed me. Out of spite.

Or…I killed myself. Because I was…tired. So tired. …I sat in my living-room and watched yet another Manhattan spring sunset alone. And I felt…sad. But not too sad. Because…I had figured out that I was straight. Remember? I had finally figured it out.

There was no way around it.

*I smile*

…And so I sat there on my sofa in the dark…at night…and realized I was a man…and that while there weren’t women around to just have at random…that…I had been made to love a woman. I’m not Muslim. But…it’s not dramatically different than the typical Muslim perception of Heaven. The idea. I had. …That Heaven is place where you make love.

And…so I sat in the dark and felt moved by some unseen thought. Some longing. For a woman. Some unseen woman. And she seemed so near. …So tangible. And so I let myself drift off into thoughts of her. Because…she was so real.

I had been using drugs. I knew what hallucinations were. And these weren’t hallucinations. They were…more like a sense you get from a dream or a foreboding feeling. Like…she existed. Or would exist. And I just needed to die. I just needed to die and I’d finally be with her.

I killed myself on Jack’s birthday, or damn close, to make a point. It was his birthday. I killed myself on his birthday. Well…the day before to be nice. I didn’t want to completely ruin that day…with my death.” says Lem.

“Why did you think it made sense to let the Kennedys kill themselves with drugs?” asks a reader.

“Because…they were selfish. Even as teenagers. And they started using drugs. Separate from me. So…when Bobby tried to get me hooked on heroin along with his siblings…it seemed like the perfect way to let him and his merry band of evil hoodlums do themselves in. I cared about them…but they were violent, vicious little brats. And they could be heartless and dangerous. So…I felt they could be taken out by their own evil if I played my cards right. Encourage addiction by playing dumb and acting like I wanted drugs too. And I did want drugs. I didn’t care if I lived or died. But…given their propensity to evil and their sociopathic tendencies…I reasoned by using with them…they’d be more likely to die that way in youth and with some vestige of innocence intact before they could harm anyone else to any great degree.” says Lem.

“So you knew Mary Richardson would kill herself. And etc.” says a reader.

“I didn’t know her exactly. But I knew her type of victim and I guessed she’d exist in some form.” says Lem.

“So you felt Bobby was a real sociopath?” asks one of his followers.

“Yes!!” says Lem.

“SHIT!” says a gay reader. “There really is no clear proof he was gay. And this blog easily discredits every single piece of evidence that suggests he was. There’s nothing.”

“Really?” asks another reader.

“Yes! Or he could explain. Based on what I’ve read. There are probably dozens of explanations for every possible bit of evidence.” says the gay reader.

“It’s eerie that we care…so damn much.” says another gay man.

Later.

I acted gay. But I couldn’t have faked being happy at Jack’s wedding. You’d still see in my eyes in photos. Photos do often capture emotion even if they’re bad at capturing faces. …I used to open my eyes wide and pucker my mouth. Or do other homosexual facial expressions. Yes. They existed.

Today Lacey and I spent the afternoon alone together. After that I finally gave her a gift id been meaning to give her for a while. But just to wear today. I’m going to give it to her again with even more of an explanation. Yes…I’ve managed to find ways to give them things. Obviously God helps me.

…And yes…I was hinting at the helicopter crash. With my reference to Islam. And that was obviously before it was reported. …Notice my use of the word foreboding. …I’m REAL. I also talked with Lacey about Iran this weekend too. Randomly.

So…what am I? I’m a ghost.

Sometimes her cadence is a little off from how I’m actually talking. But she catches my words excellently. And there’s not many…errors in regard to the meaning of what I’m saying. Today’s post is proof of that.

We care about Muslims. Just as we care about a great many people. But…with her love of perfume…and their view of sex as being part of a Godly plan for human redemption in Heaven…rather than an evil mistake…we pray for them with sincere worry and love, in Christ.

Iran has been kind to Lacey. If there’s an Illuminati. She’s legally married to man who was raised Jewish. I partially decided to clue her in even more to my authenticity because it seemed wise to do so given the circumstances. I am her…well…not husband…but whatever God chooses to call it instead of husband. And I love her very much. I love my kids too, obviously in a different way.

Why do I keep repeating myself about acting gay? Because I-

When I first started interacting with Lacey she assumed I was likely gay while alive with her being a potential rare exception…and we were so in love and she’s so…knowing…and worldly…that she didn’t care one bit. Actually…I think it was romantic to her. She just cared about how much I loved her compared to anyone else.

At the time, however, she had been with Elliott Roosevelt. And well…maybe he insisted I tell her the full story. I stole her from Elliott. I think that was his, possibly appropriate and fair, revenge.

…Why was it revenge? Because it’s so unbelievable. …Why would a straight man pretend to be homosexual!? That’s fairly rare. Especially in the past. And…I was good at impersonating people. I was very good. …So…she would have still found me attractive and…seen through my act…but…I do look convincing. You can tell it’s an act though. Well…people who saw me in motion can tell. Maybe my eyes are too damn convincing in some photos.

Again…you can’t hide huge amounts of emotional pain though.

…So I was forced to tell her I was straight. And it’s been hellish ever since. But we’re together. And…that’s what’s important. I’ll never stop loving her and she’s incapable of getting over me. …I’d never have let her marry anyone else. If I was alive.

But I’m dead. And it’s very hard to believe I was straight. Although she’s sophisticated enough to know it’s possible in my case. People might assume the opposite. But no. She’s actually that sophisticated. …People are far more complicated than many people have wished to believe they are possibly, for the last…60 to 70 years or so. You can’t boil them down into something else. We’re all complicated.

She’s mine regardless. And I’m incapable of loving anyone but her now that I’m dead. And we’re together for eternity, I’ve asked God for that and it’s done. …Yes, even if I was “gay.” …So don’t be surprised if she’s mysteriously “single” until she’s dead…and no she’s not Jack. She’s always been a cis woman. And reincarnation might not be real.

…Listen…I acted gay. But I looked straight.

I’m sorry.

I’m smiling about a woman here. Who was in my imagination. It had nothing to do with Jack.

I was 16 and innocent. I was smiling because I didn’t know any better. A dog could have made me smile this much. …It’s not the “I’m in love photo” you likely think it is. My daughter smiles like me now. She’s never seen me in person that science can prove. …It was just my personality and my youth. And the era. A 16 year old could still be that innocent back then. And if there was anything romantic or sexual it made me uncomfortable.

But come on! Between the two of us…ironically…I look straight. I look like I have a girlfriend. Jack look like…he’s…skeptical of life in general but certainly of women.

And really…you can squint and see homosexuality but I look so straight here. Because I was. …Don’t confuse my silliness or good humor for homosexuality. Actually look at the photos honestly without preconceived assumptions. I look straight.

And I realize that ruins a lot of gay wedding scenes because I have millions of gay fans. Men recreating me riding on Jack’s back. But…nope. I was straight.

And to be honest while Lacey could have broken up Jack and I if I wasn’t straight…that’s not her fault. We just love each other that much.

More later.