“They Chat” by Lem Billings

“Marsie. I’m a Mad Men viewer. I’m middle class. That’s all.

What the fuck is wrong with you!?” he yells.

“Well okay…I’m not doing well.” she says.

He nods.

“Yeah. I just…” she says, shrugging.

“Why can’t you tell her that?” he says.

“I did.” she says.

“No. You gave her a- You attacked her with your pain.” he says.

“I don’t think so!” says Marsie.

“Geez! You’re determined to be stupid.” he says.

“You wanna know why? She’s right.” says Marsie. “She’s just right.”

“Kay. So why is that so offensive to you?” he asks.

“She doesn’t know!?” says Marsie.

“DUH!!!” he says, in exasperation.

Marsie laughs at her.

“It’s not funny. Grow-up.

Answer the question.” he says.

“I’m not allowed to tell you.” she says.

“Why?” he asks.

“That’s how narcissists gain power. And I’m imitating a narcissist to be badass boss babe.” she says biting her lip and giggling at her own coolness.

Chamber of Reflection by Mac DeMarco plays for Marsie as she dances with herself with a strob light in her imagination. Gettin’ down with her bad self.

“And everyone says it’s high school.” says Lacey. “Do you like what I did there? I’m bullying you.”

“Because you’re a narcissist!” she says.

“NOPE!” says Lacey. “Guess again.”

“Answer the question, Marsie.” he says.

“Okay. She thinks she’s rich.” says Marsie. “And I KNOW she’s not.”

“Why does that make you mad?” asks the man.

“Because. Who is she to act so…pretty!? Eww!” says Marsie.

“Not possible Marsie. That’s her actual face.” he says.

“Okay. Then can I cut it off with knife. For real. Because it’s so much better than me I want to. For real.” she says.

“Oh. Okay.” he says.

“Yeah. Most women feel like that. She’s too much prettier than us and we’re also narcissistic. For real. And completely heartless.” says Marsie. “I barely care about ANYONE. I’ve trained myself to be like that since childhood. It’s considered cool.”

“But not all women are as fucked up as you, Marsie. Do you realize that?” he says.

“I’m not fucked-up.” she says.

“Mmm. You might be. Actually lots of women in the perfume community seem deranged.” he says. “Are you all trying to poison us?”

“Okay. So…no. We’re not all just trying to poison people.” says Marsie.

“Then why are you…attacking her!?” he says.

“Because…she’s not rich.” says Marsie.

“Ahh.

Why do we know that?” asks the man.

“I know things.” she says. “I researched their credit score.”

“Oh. That’s meaningless in this case.” he says.

“Why?” she says. “The validity of the perfume community’s take on her rests on that alone.”

“Wow. Who did that!?” he says, laughing.

“A bunch of jealous people. In 2015.” she says.

“That…is…her…husband.” he says.

“He’s DOING THAT!??” she says.

“YEAH! He’s a financial genius.” he says.

“WHAT!??” says Marsie.

“He’s autistic. But he’s a real genius.” he explains.

“How much money did he blow through?” asks Marsie.

“Millions.” he says.

“Her money?” says Marsie.

“Yup. But…his too. And…they’re still rich.” he says. “You have no way to figure that out. You can’t investigate that.”

“Okay. So…they’re actually millionaires?” she says.

“Yeah.” he says. “Unless the US goes under.”

“Yeah. So…the facts she says are just her confusion.” says Marsie.

“DUH!!” he says.

“So we’re idiots.” she says.

“You’re all arrogant, ignorant, white trash.” he says.

“So she’s basically my stock broker.” says Marsie.

“You don’t have a stock broker. You dumbass.

But yeah. Except better.” he says.

“Why is he doing that to their financial history?” she says.

“Marsie. They’ve never been bankrupt. That’s impossible. They have a very good credit score right now. And they own their car.” he says. “And they have hundreds of thousands of Dollars in assets easily accessible and ready for quick transport.”

“So it’s really our financial ignorance?” she says.

“YEAH! And…ARROGANCE.” he says.

“Why do you poor shopkeepers research the private information of the elite?” asks Jan Hertel.

“Yeah. Okay. We photoshop our photos and lie. And are shopkeepers. And nurses.” says the perfume community.

“YEAH! So…why go after Lacey? That’s DANGEROUS.” he says.

“Why is it dangerous?” says Marsie.

“Because…that’s private information. You have no idea what’s going on. For all you know he could be a spy.” he says.

“FUCK!!” says Marsie.

“Why…did all take such…wild assumptions as fact?” he says. “People’s credit history is…very complex.”

“So they’ll have a perfect credit score and no debt…and millions. …WHY…do what he did!??” says Marsie.

“BOREDOM.” he says.

“So you act crazy…ruin your credit score and then fix it? To create a long-term savings plan?” says Dmitry.

“YEAH. When you’re a genius. And you’re a rich Millennial kid. From Connecticut.” he says.

“But that’s not how she is.” says Marsie.

“YEAH!!” he yells. “And yet…she deals with it.”

“Is Dr. Moritz like that!?!” says Marsie.

“YES!!” yells a reader.

“So…what’s her actual credit history?” says Marsie.

“Mine. With her.” says Lem Billings.

“So…we’re insane.” says Casi. “My mom warned me that it was…unlikely to explain anything. Because…it is complex. But I didn’t listen.”

“So…no. There’s no…way to explain it to myself. Because I don’t understand.” says Dmitry.

“Wow. …Then keep being stupid.” says the CIA.

“So her husband is a literal financial genius.” says Lem. “He’s BRILLIANT.”

“Yeah. He is.” says Mark’s father.

“Why Dmitry were you all OBSESSED with finding her tiniest faults!??” says the CIA.

“Because she’s obviously elite.” says Dmitry. “And better looking than most people. And we’re-“

“You’re ignorant fucks.” says the man.

“Some of your leaders like Cologne Man are illiterate.” says Ashley Olsen.

“Yeah. You all are truly not as saavy as you imagine you are.” says the CIA.

“So…we’re that poor and dull!?” says Asia on Instagram.

“YUP.” says her husband in the afterlife.

In a Manner of Speaking plays.

“Hold the fuck on! Is that what Donald Trump does?” says a reader.

“Yes. At times.” says Donald Trump. “And you know what’s sad? About 20 years ago they knew that. They knew that I was driving down businesses out of boredom and financial creativity and genius. They did! People used to analyze me all the time in the 1980s and 90s.”

“ OK so if we can be sane rational people and realize that her backstory is 100% verifiable fact and if we do the math and realize that she has a good credit score now and that they’re millionaires I don’t think his 15 year dalliance in financial stupidity, proves that their poor Casi or me, or anyone else, I think would it proves the opposite that they’re old money, and that he was bored it’s funny. None of us thought of that theory I have a feeling it’s called something called confirmation bias, and that we were all looking for something to feel better about ourselves by using and I think we just some of us researched her in that way and found stuff that seemed fun and then took it to me and stuff that I didn’t mean which is really kind of pathetic because this makes complete sense to me, that is it Ken is his father he is a multi millionaire. They have like three houses, and I have a feeling they could easily have a perfect credit score and probably be living in a mansion somewhere possibly living in a penthouse in New York City with three or 4 million there that is who they are like it or not and to be honest, I’m not a Trump supporter but I get why people like him because it’s reality. I don’t understand it either but that is the way those kinds of people think sometimes I don’t know what Lacey is thinking that’s what’s sad she’s not the one that made those financial decisions to. She was his lover here he was the one making them and no he’s an excellent employee. He saved his is his company millions I have a feeling that he probably is indispensable because he’s so useful and decent and loyal and genius him. What are you to do and no, I mean come out his father sent him basically to a prep school or was going to and then his mother did something and I mean like an actual prep school like an Ivy League prep school and know his father went to Harvard. He lectures Mark learned how to kill mice at Harvard Lacey. Why does your house have mice?” says Marsie.

“ because I can’t convince Mark to get an exterminator. He literally yells at me and that has been going on for over a year. I like the mice but I don’t want them in my house but he doesn’t want to get an exterminator he wants to put out traps because he thinks the exterminator will kill his pet spiders in the basement. Literally.” says Lacey.

“He has pet spiders?” says Marsie.

Lem laughs.

“ he jokingly calls them that, but they’re sort of an endearing him and endearing part of our of our house. I I actually have taken to them myself slightly they’re not poisonous, but no he he truly believes that our house is like a assertive ecological place that needs to be respected, and I think in his mind having a snake in the basement or getting a cat is far preferable than hiring an exterminator and killing the spiders.” says Lacey.

“ damn so you want to get an exterminator and he wants to leave the spiders alone?” says Marsie.

“ that is correct.” says Lacey.

“ so we interpreted you through our dumb ass paternalistic crap minds when it comes to certain things with what we know and how hateful we are him so you don’t control him at all?” says a reader.

“ nope not at all. I am a very submissive person by nature, and he prefers that, but not enough for the marriage to work, which is why I am now sleeping with a man who was born in 1916.” says Lacey.

“ so you would like to have an awareness of how you’re spending your money probably and you wouldn’t mind doing some accounting for your husband, but the way you see it is that you belong to him he controls the finances you get to say yes or no and he hast to listen or else it’s hell for him but there’s very little that you ever disagree with him on and everything that he has is yours?” says a perfume collector.

“ yes.” says Lacey.

“ yeah I am the head of the house. I wear the pants I make the decisions and if that’s creepy to you I don’t know what to say.” says Lem.

“ since were up so late in this conversation is gotten very intriguing. I have to say I doubt they’ve ever been poor. He’s probably always been able to buy her a filet mignon at a spare moments notice or he has prevented anything too serious from happening so he didn’t have to worry about that, but I have a feeling she gets filet mignon three or four times a year at least.” says the First Man.

“ yes and eggs Benedict I order room service whenever we go on vacation almost every morning or something of that sort I don’t know I don’t know what you guys are looking for if this is the reality of the situation I am old money upper class and so is he I know we have never been poor when you guys snooping other peoples business to feel better about yourselves, you have to do it like a researcher not an idiot because I have snoop to but I’m far better than any of you are you don’t know how to snoop you only know how to look for things that make you feel better.” says Lacey.

“ Well, I refuse to be that dumb.” says the First Man.

“ you want to ask questions about my sex life with Lem.” says Lacey.

“is it like the hottest straight sex you’ve ever seen where it’s like the guy is just lost an ax to see a throwing her body around with his dick basically?” he says.

“ every fucking time yeah actually it’s hotter than that. Sincerely.” says Lem.

“ I knew that a while ago if there’s reincarnation, he killed one of his children by making her orgasm too much too late in the pregnancy.” says Senator Al Franken.

“ yep if there is reincarnation, that was some thing he discovered at the top of the morning maybe almost a year ago something like that.” says Lem.

“ why did Mike destroy his business your uncle?” says the CIA.

“ I think it’s because Shelley died and then he married his secretary and then oil just nosedived and I think he worries about his kids and the farm. He really loves that farm. I was global warming. It’s just the crops suck they do. It’s very hard to get them to work.” says Lacey.

“ so he bailed his son out too much and his second wife was a jerk and his love of his life died of cancer and the oil market. Just kind of sucks that’s probably literally what happened and see that this is where you have to listen to what she just said, and except the fact that that’s probably almost literally exactly what happened and then there’s no mystery.” says the CIA.

“Lem, what’s it like being that straight and then sucking a penis?” asks the First Man.

“I am you know to be honest with you it’s pretty boring it it’s it’s boring it’s about what you’d probably expect. It’s boring.” says Lem.

“how could that be boring?” he says.

“ have you ever sucked a penis?” says Lem.

“ yes and yes, that’s true. It is a little boring I mean it’s not if you’re attracted to the person and you’re in love with them but if you’re not yeah it’s boring.” he says.

“ there’s your answer. it’s boring.” says Lem.

“ I was expecting for you to say that it was icky gross. Eww!” he says.

“ it was at first the first few times I did it. It was disgusting at the first time that I did it with almost everyone. It was a little gross but when you get used to it OK here’s the thing it would be different for a lesbian that it would be for a man.

Women have vaginal secretions that get into your mouth when you give them oral sex that they’re always present and every woman that’s just how women are made. You know that whole thing was like feminine dryness a woman’s vagina is always slightly damp. That’s just how they’re made so for a woman to give oral sex to another woman it’s gross if she’s not attracted to women Really gross. I mean to be honest the bowling that Lacey is experiencing that way is disgusting. It’s profoundly disgusting because there’s no way to mentally get beyond it. It’s absolutely profoundly perverse on a sensory level. It’s just disgusting when you’re a straight man there’s no way not to enjoy yourself. Oh, but when you’re but when you’re but when you’re giving a man, oral sex, know a penis can be salty from sweat, but that’s not the same thing and there could be a slight taste to it but it’s not but it’s not like him it’s not the same thing, but this way you can tell yourself that it’s just sweat very possibly because that’s mostly what it is. There could be some bacterial growth but it’s not as obvious to the four senses in the end so again, you can cut a trick yourself into thinking oh, it’s just like it you know like putting your your mouth on your arm and there’s a slight difference, but not that much.

And so yeah you don’t you don’t am you don’t really well you don’t really experience the same thing so now I could distract myself it was like oh yeah there’s a shoe toy in my mouth. Basically you know it’s like a sort of sushi like a stress ball it’s no different than that. It’s gross but You know I was trying to be gay so I wasn’t processing a lot of the thoughts so it’s just like no it’s just a deck. Yep and I guess this is oral sex and I guess that there’s not a lot more to say then just to say well, it’s just us rubbery muscle Lee Seafood like thing in my mouth so you move it around in your mouth get it hard as they say keep going touch it and in a matter of time salty stuff squirts out the man acts, very shaky and quiet and then you spit the stuff out have a cigarette and that’s it. You’re glad that it’s done because it is not and then just add that at sometimes out the end it was a glass kind of gross.” says Lem.

“ I don’t think you’ve processed your trauma I think that’s a very polite, thoughtful way looking at the whole thing but I don’t think it’s quite that OK I think you’re a little more grossed out by it than that him and I don’t think you realized that yet because it’s too scary and gross and weird.” says the First Man.

“ you know I haven’t had a chance to talk about it with Lacey other than as a ghost.” says Lem.

“ will you kill her when you do?” he says.

“ do you think I might go to psychotically insane?” says Lem.

“ what do you think?” he says.

“ I don’t think I’m likely to kill her.” says Lem.

“ and so we met nothing to you?” he says.

“ gay men you mean?” says Lem.

“ yeah!” he says.

“ no I think you’re all fucking obnoxious pricks because you kind of are.” says Lem.

“ But I don’t think I am and if I am, I’m sorry I don’t think you understand what I’m saying we really we meant nothing to you Lem?” he says.

“ oh, you’re going to have to deal with the fact that I am not going to answer things the way you want them answered. I am not my wife.

She’s way too nice to people.

I’d like to be in bed with her right now having sex instead of telling you to fuck yourself you fake-ass jackass.

What do you want me to say no I don’t give a shit. No I didn’t give a fuck about you. No fucking shit you moron.” says Lem. “ how do you think I like saying that to someone who’s being nice to me what a narcissistic little fuck you are you seriously sent me up to seem like a total prick and an idiot and a childish bastard what the fuck are you looking for?”

“ OK and we’re very vain to think you were interested in us at this point in the conversation so to speak that is insane you’re right I worry sometimes that I’m insane but I try not to think that if I am I’m sorry I’m not a normal person and that way I if I if I’m not insane I I I think men just feel hurt that you let us on.” he says.

“ I didn’t mean to. it was an accident. I am sorry. but I don’t I don’t. I don’t think I can make you feel better, so I don’t know what you’re looking for.” says Lem.

“ I think we thought you were gay but you look straight and we were forgiving you for that and now I’m realizing that was dumb. We should’ve just realized that you were just straight.” he says.

“ yeah you’ve been making excuses for that observation since 1980s.” says Lem.

“ so it’s not that unusual for men like you to exist. You really were convincing McKay to gay men or bisexual men who weren’t very bright and then a woman will come along and they’ll realize it’s stupid. How stupid am I were you common in Great Britain?” he says.

“ extremely common there was a lot of sexual abuse back in the day but people didn’t talk about it and that’s the thing so now I sound like I’m reincarnated and what if I’m not but it actually was very common that I mean come on you’ve heard about all that stuff that happens in schools with boys and part of that came from actual experience of boys who thought they were gay experimented realize that they weren’t regretted it and then thought well I don’t know what the hell I just did with that guy that was gross. I’m not gonna do that again he doesn’t seem too offended and then this is where your people are very backward nowadays, because men in the past who are bisexual, tended to be some what sophisticated and in this was in England, so it’s like a straight guy like me might make a mistake and then kind of snap out of it eventually because the right girl would show up or him. He would just have some way to sort of mentally figure it out nothing like that was ever provided for me and America. Lacey never showed up that would’ve been more than enough in America. That would’ve been great, I actually like America more than she does but no that would’ve been more than enough but that never happened and so what happened to y’all I mean you know the hell basically and dumb I ended up thinking I was gay permanently well mostly until I was dead, and then trying to be gay and not affectively because if Lacey showed up, she would’ve seduced me if she had to and boy let me tell you it would’ve been frighteningly easy I mean extraordinarily easy because I was powder cake sexually constantly but no one ever sparks the you know the cord so to speak I mean come on look at Jackie‘s tits can you at least figure that out as a man they’re awful. Her ass is weird but it’s OK and her face sleeve something to be desired so to speak but that was that was the hot tamale that he showed up with no he can’t. He constantly kept bringing these how fast bitches with busted faces and we are looking bodies to fuck and I would try to be nice about it and play Kissy face and act like I was aroused by them partially so they wouldn’t get hurt and then partially because I did like girls and he thought he knew that but I also didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I just thought no I’ll be nice and pretend like they’re real cute and I kind of want to make out with them, but I didn’t really want to because it’s like well yeah OK I mean it would be nice to make out with a woman for once but at the same time then I have to make out with you and I don’t wanna make out with you you so I think I’ll pass so then I just ended up passing and I never really made out with anyone. There was once there was a prostitute that I made out with and it was dull him, so no it was a very unsatisfying life in that way, and I am sorry if this is gross for you to hear, I masturbated to thoughts of Lacey to thoughts of women almost daily.” says Lem.

“so you had a pornography collection?” he says.

“ yeah, I have a feeling Jack thought it was because of him that I was somehow obsessed with him but I wasn’t that’s not even saying I was using it myself in private without him he was never using it with me, but he never thought of that, but no, he was never using it with me he shared it with me on occasion, but he never used it at the same time with me. I was using it myself by myself.” says Lem.

“ as a fellow Englishman, I have to say I am rather curious because you’re pornography collection Mark my words I shall not judge you, but I would like to know what it is that you had.” he says.