“Jacob” by Lacey Billings

Jacob and the Stone (Slowed) by Emile Mosseri & sped up + slowed plays.

Lacey has a conversation with a rather posh fellow.

(This is Tuesday, May 28th 2024 at 6 PM)

The song ends.

No Time For Caution by Hans Zimmer plays.

“So…you were expecting Lem…to come on to you?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” he says, laughing and scratching his neck.

“Yes. HE DOES THAT.” says Lacey.

“Yes. You mean not with me. But that is…his sexual style.” he says.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Wow!” he says, outraged at Lem.

“Yes. That’s his sexual style with me.” says Lacey. “He’d never be like that with a man. Ever.”

“And gay men today know that!” he says. He closes his eyes in intellectual embarrassment. “So…”. He puckers his lips in intellectual embarrassment. “Oh Lacey.” he says sadly.

“Well! You know what you want.” says Lacey.

He laughs.

“But…that’s for a woman.” says Lacey. “In Lem…that’s…BAD SEX for you. No eat. No eatie. …So to speak.”

He almost smirks.

The song ends.

“How is it different!??” he says.

Zero Hour by Hania Rani plays.

“Isn’t it beautiful possibly that it could be different!??” says Lacey.

He takes a sigh of relief. “Yes. If homosexuality is allowed in Heaven it is.” He smiles. Thinks. “What is the difference!?!”

Lacey thinks. “With the woman it’s…all encompassing? He is…fully spread like a hawk in the sky.”

“With his wings fully open?” he says.

“Whereas with another man…it’s not necessarily so exposed?” says Lacey.

“Because I HAVE WINGS TOO!??” he says.

“YES.” says Lacey, positing.

“So we have no such…activity with the wings in that moment. Do we ever?” he wonders.

“YES! Possibly? …You show your wings. Not necessarily during sex though.

Can you handle that? The heterosexuals aren’t inferior breeders dear. They’re brave. …Are you too weak?” says Lacey.

“No.” he says. “I wonder if you’ve hit the nail on the head?”

“Wouldn’t it be terrible if I have?” says Lacey.

He closes his eyes.

“Except…why is it so terrible?” says Lacey. “I almost wish you were my father right now. Not really. But…that’s where my brain goes.”

“I think you solved it.” he says.

Lacey thinks. Sighs. Thinks.

Lacey thinks.

“So…Lem can’t expose his wings during sex with men. Well and it isn’t even sex for him at all. But…what is the similarity!?” says Lacey.

Domestic Pressures by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

He laughs. “You know it’s similar for that brief moment. But…it’s not. …Men just can’t be that weak.” he says.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

He laughs. Thinks. Smiles.

“Wow. We’re heartless to you.” he says. “And it might be an issue of class.”

“Yes.” says Lacey. “So how is it different?”

“We are friends with our lovers. Best friends…in a way. NOT the other way around.

*He thinks*

And yet Lem describes it as the opposite. He was sexual in his friendship with Jack to a point. That’s the exact OPPOSITE.

Which just proves that he was HETEROSEXUAL yet again.

*He thinks*

Poor sod had no idea what chaos he could cause by being that confused. I hope.

*He thinks*

*He smiles*

Okay. So for men…it’s an exchange.” he says.

“Yes! And if it’s allowed in Heaven. That’s very beautiful.” says Lacey.

“Well. Maybe it’s not possible. But that’s the idea.

You know it is rather a grand approach isn’t it?” he says.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“So you’re best friends with your lover…to a point…and then…you find comfort in them always. More than any man. And of course it’s different. It’s not really friendship at it’s core. It’s…philia. Or Eros, rather.

And maybe it’s too weak to be real enough for Heaven.

But so many people think it is today that we must owe it to them and to me…as that’s my orientation…to consider it as a possibility. At least..that’s certainly my perspective.

So…we…go about friendship as a sort of hoax.” he laughs. “And then we admit we mean everything to each other.” he says. He smiles. “So…at the moment we show our wings…we are in love.”

“I was too. WITH LACEY.” says Lem.

“Yes! Well…that must be the male posture. In lovemaking.” says the posh man. “How does…a woman experience that? For a man…for me…it’s…bad.”

“It’s the opposite in heterosexual love.” says Lem. “That moment is ecstasy for a straight man.”

“Ahh! Robert Cohn spread his wings. With Brett Ashley…got unfathomably high and couldn’t get over it. And was…never able to realize it was just love.” says the posh gentleman. “For him.”

“Yes.” says Harold Loeb.

“Well that’s an admission of stupidity.” says the posh gentleman. “So…yes.

Since it’s two men…for us…it’s…humbling. It’s not fun.”

“Then what’s so great about homosexuality?” says Lem.

The posh gentleman laughs. Pouts slightly. Thinks. Takes a deep breath. Closes his eyes. “Well…maybe it’s not allowed in Heaven? Or…on Earth…it’s actually somewhat inferior.”

“Maybe.” says Lem.

He nods. Thinks. “So…that’s a lie?”

“What?” says Lem.

“Your act!?” he says to Lem. “Acting all high and mighty to get her into it?”

“No. It’s not.

That’s not it at all.

I find women…AROUSING.

So…I’m laughing at her.” says Lem. “Because it’s a joke.”

The posh man braces himself. Holds on to his seat.

“That’s MEAN!” he says to Lem.

“No! It’s not.

She’s- She needs me.” says Lem. “And I love that.”

“Yup. I learned that. Straight men make that look. …When they’re aroused. I figured that out.” says Kevin Spacey. “Well…maybe. I’m incredibly intelligent.”

The posh gentleman thinks. Cups his hands over his mouth. “THAT’S MEAN!”

“No!

Look…she’d be in trouble if I let her keep thinking she was going to keep marching. Marching time over. Time for me.” says Lem.

“But that’s mean.

Why…wasn’t that look for Jack?” says the posh gentleman.

“Why would it be a joke for me to fuck him?” says Lem. “In the Oval Office? Or anywhere in White House.”

“Because it’s naughty.” says the posh man.

“No. Not for us. Not after decades of being a secret couple.” says Lem. “I mean it’s not as if I had just met him the month before.”

“But you’re gay.” he says.

“YES!

But…how…is it…A JOKE…for me to FUCK HIM!?” says Lem.

“It’s like a joke? Teehee?” he says.

“HOW!?” says Lem.

“Because you’re united together in love…laughing at the world?” he says.

“All…the…time!?” says Lem.

“No.” he says.

“And why is it at all!?” says Lem. “To that degree of hilarity!? And specifically…why am I laughing AT HIM?”

“So that laughter is at someone!?” says the posh man.

“DUH!! That’s where we were a while ago!!!

That’s THE WHOLE POINT.

…So why am I laughing at him?” he says. “Or any man that way? That’s SEXUAL MOCKING. Employed by straight men. Often. It’s COMMON.

So…why am I laughing at him!??” says Lem.

“You did used to laugh at him.” he says.

“YES.

I did.

I’m not as nice as everyone thinks.

But…why am I laughing at him?” says Lem.

“Okay. So…Jack would have had to be a woman on the rag. But as a man. And have been on your last nerve.” he says.

“YES! And as a man…constantly. Because he has wings too.” says Lem.

“No. Jack wasn’t that…completely pathetic.” says the posh gentleman.

“Except he was.” says Lem.

The posh gentleman laughs.

“Then why would you laugh at it? To arouse him!?” says the posh gentleman.

“Ahh. NO!

No sir.

Why…wouldn’t it BE OBVIOUS I MEANT THAT FOR A WOMAN!??” yells Lem, losing his temper.

The posh gentleman cries.

“Yes. I’m a liar.

Many gay men lie.

Except…I assumed that was possibly fake. Not the rest of it.” he says.

“But it’s so OBVIOUSLY NOT FAKE!!” yells Lem, losing his temper.

The posh gentleman smirks and smiles.

“I might not have been able to tell.” admits the gay man.

And at that Lem cries.

And that makes the posh gentleman cry even more.

“How could you not TELL!??” yells Lem.

“Because I just COULD NOT.” he says, collapsing into a seat. “It looked the same to me.”

“But it’s a-a HETEROSEXUAL THING!!!” yells Lem.

“Yes!!! Yes!!

But…we use those signals to get to each other. Psychologically.” says the posh gentleman.

The Sea by Morcheeba plays.

“BUT IT WAS REAL!!” says Lem.

“It’s real for us too.” he says.

“But not in the same way.” says Lem.

“I might be evil.

But in my case…I’m not. I just didn’t notice. The difference. Because I’m not a woman. And…” he says.

“Yes?” says Lem.

He thinks. Covers his mouth.

A Beautiful Mine by RJD2 plays.

“I might have meant well. And lots of other gay men did too. Lacey might even know that. But…” he says.

“You really…can’t tell!?! How do you function!?” bites Lem.

The posh man throws a tea cup across the room and it breaks.

Lacey laughs.

The posh man laughs and cries and smiles all at the same time.

“I’m sorry Lem.” he says, calming himself.

“It’s my fault. I’m the one who was dumb enough to think I was gay.” says Lem. “Gay in any way, really.”

“Yes.” says the gay man.

“Ha!

What’s that about? Yea? Yea what!?” says Lem.

The posh gentleman thinks. Stares at the ground. “Lem. What am I insinuating about Jack?”

“That he’s a menstruating woman.” says Lem.

He closes his eyes. “Yeah. Okay. Gay men never look at each other that way ever. …But we all must have collectively thought, if we weren’t just pure evil, that you had…felt…Jack was…secretly very weak.

And then he had all those health problems.” says the posh gentleman.

“But then why am I laughing at him?” says Lem.

“Because you were an asshole. And so was he?” he says.

“Yes. Maybe. But…not really.

And why would I laugh at his death!?? I saved his life.” says Lem.

“Because you were laughing at his…deadly diseases…and immense suffering…and the pain he experienced…and his pus…to be cute? Or to…ahh…uplift him!?” he says.

“That’s IDIOTIC.” says Lem.

“Yes. I’m afraid it really is.” says King George III.

“So…you couldn’t have been having sexual desires for Jack…while mocking him deeply…to make him submit?” he says.

“Like he’s a menstruating woman!?” says Lem.

“No. That’s not…” says the posh gay man.

“How could he be?” says Lem.

“Because he’s…well…a loser.” he says.

“YES! But then why am I aroused?” asks Lem.

“Oh. Right. Because he has no vagina.

But…he has…himself?” he says.

“But then why would I choose that form of arousal?” he says.

“Because he has himself?” he says.

“Yes! But…I’m indicating he’s…silly.” says Lem.

“Couldn’t you have found him that silly?” he says.

“In regard to what?” says Lem.

“You know? SOMETHING.” yells the posh man.

“WHAT!?” yells Lem.

“His dick being small?” he says.

“And I find his mediocrity arousing!??” says Lem.

“Yes. Because you loved him so much.” says the posh man, now crying in embarrassment.

“Why would I love him that much?” says Lem.

“Because he’s rich?” says the posh man, nervously.

“That’s very stupid. I can’t handle how dumb that is.

No. He was vile scum to me.

So…regardless…how could I laugh like that at him…?” says Lem.

“Dude. YOU DO NOT HAVE…A VAGINA!!” yells the CIA.

“No. You really don’t.” says Princess Kate, kindly.

“No! We do.” say all living gay men.

“WHERE!?!” says the American Medical Association.

“Okay. So we don’t.

But we do!??” he says.

“No. You don’t.” says Lem.

“What difference does it make!?” he says.

“So what…reference was I making? What weakness?” says Lem.

“That’s not the question!!!” yells Chris Hayes.

“No. That is the question.” says Lem.

“NO!!!” yells Chris, very vehemently. “The thing is…it could be anything-“

“Actually…it couldn’t be.” says the posh British man. “You have to stay in context.”

“Oh. Okay.” he says, temporarily mostly quieted.

“So what is it?” asks Lem.

“It’s…like you don’t know?” he says.

“Know what?” asks Lem.

“You were making an incorrect reference?” he says.

“That was that specific!??” says Lem. “And common among heterosexual men?”

“Yeah. I’ve laughed at my wife that way.” says Jesse Ventura.

Later.

“Yeah right!???” all gay men yell at Jesse Ventura.

“No!! IT’S REAL!!” yells the CIA.

“So what did you all think I was referencing!??” says Lem.

“Ahh. His small dick?” says one living gay man.

“So you all caused the AIDS epidemic to spread. And then violently manipulated us into feeling sorry for you all because of it?” say all living people.

“Yes.” says the posh man.

“Yeah. You know maybe you make mistakes?” say all living people to gay men.

“So what was the reference?” asks Lem.

“1. His weight

2. His height

3. His small dick

4. His hair????

5. His…accent!???

6. His incredible sexiness!?!?” say all gay men.

“None of those make any sense. …Where are you going with his hair!??” says Lem.

“His hair was…too puffy!” says a gay man.

“No. It wasn’t!” says Lem.

“Okay. Fine. That was a trick.” say the gay men. “To get you to defend his hair. And it worked. You’re gay!!!”

“Nope.” says Barack Obama in exasperation.

“It just didn’t make any sense. I’m not gay.” says Lem, patiently.

“It is puffy.” says a gay man to Lem.

“And I’m almost bald.” says Lem. “But thankfully Lacey loves bald men.”

Later.

“You can’t explain away why you misunderstood even!??” says Lem. “Man! …See…I was hoping you could. Because…otherwise you all will have to deal with your own collective willful desires to rape me.”

“Not all of us.” says the posh man.

“Then what’s your excuse!?” says Lem.

“Okay. I knew you were referencing a woman. …But I thought it was- No. I didn’t. I knew you were gay. Even though you’re not. So…you were…referencing heterosexuality but I tonight it was gay. But then…it…” he says. He drops his glas.