“David Pitts”

A gay man pulls out his David Pitts book like some people pull out a Bible, when they’re under attack. A lesbian eating dinner nods, smiling.

“Lacey! It says right here in Lem & Jack that you are WRONG.” says a living gay man.

“How so?” says Lacey.

“Because it says that they made love. NUMEROUS TIMES.” says the man.

“That’s the suggestion.” says Lacey.

“So you’ve read it?” they say.

“No.” says Lacey.

“But he’s gay!!” they say.

“Not necessarily.” says Lacey.

They think.

They become quiet.

“I hated you.” says David Lennoye to Lacey.

“What made you hate her?” asks Lem.

Lacey smiles.

He thinks.

Lacey closes her eyes and starts dozing off in exasperation and tiredness. And possibly some boredom.

“David. Let us know.” says Lem.

Later.

“I was so immature.” says David.

“Yes! You’ve said that.” says Lacey. “What does that mean?”

“No! I brought you up. Not her.” says Lem.

“I wanted you.” says David.

“Then why didn’t you kiss me?” says Lacey.

He furrows his brow. Thinks.

“Why??” he says.

“Why what?” says Lacey.

A Catholic begins to cry.

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about Lacey.” says the Catholic.

“I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!” says Lacey exasperated but calm.

“Those pictures you sent me were awful.” says David.

“Oh! I’m not photogenic.” says Lacey.

“Who took them?” he asks.

“A roommate who secretly hated me.” says Lacey.

He cries.

Lacey looks at him empathetically.

He looks confused and then stops crying.

“JESUS CHRIST!!” yells a psychologist reading her blog.

“Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?” asks Sarah, laughing.

“Well it seems like he’s thinking about something he feels guilty about. And perhaps there’s some regret. And I I can’t quite read the rest of it though. It seems very baffling. He really is a very complex person so it’s unclear what exactly it is that he’s thinking. Some people are easier to read than others. Lem is actually very easy for me to read even though people think he’s complicated, but that’s possibly because I realize that he’s straight and if you realize he’s straight and acting gay he’s maybe not really that complicated of a person. He’s very sweet. He’s very straightforward possibly. Umm…his complication might’ve come from being molested and he’s unusually intelligent and sensitive but that is wonderful and that’s maybe not the same thing as some people like David. I can’t figure out what it is that you’re thinking entirely right now and you’ll have to be a lot more clear.” says Lacey.

“Are you a ditz?“ says David.

“ yes she’s a ditz and I was an experienced him and I’m fine. Do you remember me I was glasses I was Joel J 0EL I was going to be a lawyer I look like lap I was on the student housing board will say I had a horrible crush on her. I asked her out couple of times, and at the end of the year I finally convinced her after asking her to come to my fraternity when I was drunk one night to go to coffee and she brought with, and she brought with two of her friends because she was so scared of me. And shit every reason to be I do look a lot like lap. I’m not him, but I look like him.

At the time she thought I was very unattractive now I think she regrets not dating me but I’m not lame so it’s fine and I’m actually happy I grab in California and a fairly well off family and it was bizarre that I was at that school but that’s where I wanted to go.

No but then, after being chaperoned, I walked her back to her dorm room and she wasn’t expecting anything. I’m a lot like One I’m very casual and laid-back and I just seem sort of nonchalant and she figured that it was just a real nice guy and I am, I would’ve probably married her.

I am, but no I grabbed her and gave her a hug. I was so slightly larger like like not like a real like not like him, but I am a bigger man and some people and know I gave her a huge hug him and I was probably a lot farther than you ever got that’s all I’ll say no I didn’t make out with her, but it was definitely different than most people who give hugs and that sounds really weird but no it was. It was him. Did you ever do anything like that?” says Joel.

“ I can’t remember your last name actually I was wondering how much you looked at him so I’ve tried look like him so I tried to look you up but I can’t bring her last name it’s very irritating to me.” says Lacey.

“ how creeped out would you be if you knew that my family was extraordinarily wealthy?” he says.

“ not that creeped out.” says Lacey.

“ I told you that we used to collect ours. What if we really did what if I was actually sent to stalk you? Do you know who would’ve been the CIA or the FBI and my parents would’ve had connections to them and I would’ve actually been sent there to find out more about who you are which is part of the reason you were afraid of me possibly I do look a lot like that I really do. I’m not him but I do look a lot like him and it’s possible that they were grouped up by you, because they knew who your father really was if you’re if your luck if you’re illegitimate, you scared them in part of the reason you scared them is because if there’s an illuminati, there were some people who were a little worried about who you were going to end up marrying if you’ve been born earlier And so they may have sent you me to investigate I didn’t know what school to go to anyway I have no idea what school to go to and so it might’ve been suggested to me that I go to USD and oh it’s very possible that I’m only able to say this after I’m dead, but no, I would’ve been aware of what was happening to some degree And I would’ve had to just explain the whole thing to you very slowly about why we were so obsessed with you. To be honest I knew I’m a lot smarter than you think. If this is true, I knew that you were attracted to me more than you did, and I knew that it had That you- and I knew that it was lame. I knew it was lame if I actually was working for the CIA if my grandfather was actually in the CIA um, I knew that it was lame if I’m in love with straight and so remember how I was just to say to you I hate faggots in a very weird way that was to try to redo to see what you think because I we my family things people are haunted and at the end of the year after our days no I knew it was lame and you if this is real and you’re Tom’s daughter, I knew that you would’ve very low in Billings. I knew you would’ve run off with him. I look like him, I will smarter than you think and I figure it out that you would’ve run off with one when I embraced you- I may have even been channeling him to be honest with you. I did some weird stuff with my eyes that looked kind of like him to remember that?” says Joel.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“ yeah I and I have pretended to have a friend who is straighter than me who is interested in you I was just curious to see what you do. I said he’s really interested in you. He really wants to meet you.

And you just humored me like I was a total idiot. And to be perfectly honest with you, that was when your cousin Paula was also involved with families out in California, that we may have actually known. So I might leave me like related to one of those people are friends with some of those people and you just barely gave a shit. I think you thought well, that’s a wonderful thing to be but that’s about all of it.

I but I read you and I thought no it’s lame. You would’ve ended up marrying Lem. And then magically when you said, I don’t think I’m gonna end up going to school here next year. I said I think I’m going to leave to, and he looks concerned but I actually might’ve left the school because you might’ve been the only reason I was there, and.

Anyway, he’s dead, so what was the harm you know what I mean so that might’ve been the idea some conservatives had I was from a very Republican family and so the idea would have fun to sort of have you we collect art and because of who you are as possible my family sports read they’re just curious about collecting you, in a weird way. I mean if you’re Tom’s daughter, you’re a rarity you’re extraordinarily rare and you’re very beautiful and I am people might’ve known about you and your family and your aunts clothing store in Long Beach. My grandmother might’ve shop there or my great aunt.

I should’ve – I should’ve- I shouldn’t have stopped. Or I should not have stopped my contact with you. That was stupid.

But if this is true, I brought that information back about who you were and my opinion of you and because of my family the queen was comfortable with you, if this is true. She knew you were legit so to speak. That you really are who you say you are. Your personality, how beautiful you are, etc.

And she felt comfortable based on who you are being your friend as old as she was because she thought, ‘I don’t think she had a clue what was going on. She needed somebody from my generation to marry her.’ Because even though I actually might be a lot more like Lem than you think, I’m not from your generation and I didn’t realize that you really were is innocent and sweet as you actually are. Except I am from your generation, but I just mean I shouldn’t have put it like that, but I am not. I am not. I am not aware- I was not aware of how offensive I would be to you entirely and I wish I hadn’t blown it.

People have no idea what I mean by that which is sad and I was impolite. I shouldn’t have invited you to my fraternity late at night. I shouldn’t have bragged about getting drunk on Everclear and I shouldn’t have use the word fake it over and over again that made you think I might be one or that I was Incredibly hateful. I am and we should’ve made out. I should’ve I should’ve, but should we made out even if I was working for the CIA I should’ve just made out with you. It would’ve shock to you but oh well.

We also knew about the oil in your family. I was slightly curious about what you do with that.

And yes, she is a ditz. Umm her friend Laura, who was in the process of going insane was not a stupid person. I and she said he’s the most handsome guy at the whole school. I had a crush on him the whole year. He and the floor to you because he didn’t think I was that good looking but then you went on that date with me and I gave you a hug and that was the most erotic hug other than possibly with my wife that I’ve ever experienced and I would bet that you experience that as well with me And I don’t think you anticipated that. I had glasses and I was tall. I know I looked a lot like Lem without the curly hair. My hair is a little wavy, but not much. I did look decent amount like him. He but that’s a People. Don’t understand that about you and I did and it was. It’s awful when I’m dead it’s just awful thinking about your life and about how close I came to being your husband but no I’m not Lem. I’m not Lem. And no you’re not interacting with me. You’re interacting with a ghost. Lem Billings himself is who you’re with.

You didn’t actually think I was lame necessarily I don’t think you just didn’t know me and I actually really am a lot like Lem in the sense that I actually found that attractive that you weren’t aware that we had great chemistry. You’re not frigid or mean. I’m not going to talk about it more because it’s not appropriate to talk about because it’s your personality. I know I look a lot like Lem. It’s creepy.

Oh, so I’m gonna share with you that the republican party has use that information and a lot of other people have as well, including Russia and the US and to be honest with you we have a problem.” says Joel.

“I want to know what that problem is but I’m also curious to see what David Lennoye thinks about all of this.” says Lacey.

“I’m lost.” says David.

“What’s the problem.” says Lacey.

“You weren’t interested in my shorter friend.” he says.

“What was his name?” asks Lacey.

“James.” says Joel.

“Maybe.” says Lacey.

“What the hell did you think I was doing that night?” he says.

“Asking me to come to your frat?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” says Joel.

Lacey thinks. “I thought it could have something to do with sex…or…that you were just incredibly bored.”

He closes his eyes and thinks. “So you thought I was bored?”

“Yes!” says Lacey. “It was North Dakota.”

“Was she pretty?” says David.

“I’m not answering that.” says Joel, hurt.

Lacey sits in silence.

“No we wanted to make out with you.” says Joel.

“You said something like that. …But I couldn’t figure it out.” says Lacey.

He thinks. “He did.”

“How in the world did he even know me?” says Lacey.

“I told him about you.” says Joel.

Lem laughs.

“Why did he decide he should be the one to have me?” says Lacey.

“Because.” he says. He shrugs.

“I don’t get it.” says Lacey.

“She’s NOT MY COUSIN.” says a Nesheim. “I mean…she’s my cousin. But we are not related.”

“WHY!?” says Joel.

She laughs. Thinks. “You like her.”

“Oh. I knew that.” says Lacey.

“Did you?” he says.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Then why didn’t you go!?” says her cousin.

“Because it was an absurd situation. …If he’d tried to date me himself more…assertively…I’d have been more interested. But he was…seemingly very callow.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. …I don’t think I thought it through.” says Joel.

“What was the plan if I’d shown-up?” says Lacey.

He thinks. “To ask you to rub my back.”

“Why would you have needed your back rubbed?” says Lacey.

“To get- Do you give back rubs?” he says.

“Yes! I grew-up going to a chiropractor. So…I would have genuinely thought you wanted a real back rub.” says Lacey.

He smiles and nods.

She thinks.

“And then I would have taken my shirt off.” he says.

“And nothing would have changed.” says Lacey.

“No I was pretty buff believe it or not.” says Joel.

“Well and I would’ve found that attractive but sincerely I’m not sure that anything would’ve changed.” says Lacey.

“Why?” says Joel.

“Because I was a little antagonistic towards men who were buff. I felt they had a sort of advantage that was a little unfair. I thought they were kind of smug. I would’ve- I would’ve found you attractive but I would’ve been suspicious.” says Lacey.

“What would you have thought of my friend?” he says.

“I have no idea.” says Lacey.

“You would have thought it was- Well you didn’t even bother to show up. You probably thought we were gonna rape you.” says Joel.

“You know what’s interesting it makes me wonder if I am reincarnated because I think Lem was very sexually aggressive with me. I don’t think he was probably gay. I think he was very sexually aggressive. I doubt he was bisexual either.

I think he was very sexually aggressive with me and then it almost was like- I just didn’t- I was married to him and then I came back and I didn’t have any boyfriends. So I wasn’t angry at you about it. I mean I went on a date with you afterwards, and you just scared me slightly so I brought with two chaperones, but I wonder if you reminded me of him because I had a very strong sense that you would be capable of sort of cornering me in some sort of situation and you did eventually but then that just goes to show that I don’t think things through in that way well enough for myself but I kind of suspected that already, but no I I don’t. I don’t put myself in unsafe situations, but I never anticipate men being attracted to me. I do in a way, but in a way I really don’t because I’ve just not been loved. And people just don’t give a shit about me. They really don’t so something like that just doesn’t cross my mind. And I am aware of them being attracted to me but not, you know, showing physical affection.” says Lacey.

“What did you think was gonna happen?” he says.

“I thought you were either probably going to try to sleep with me like actually sleep with me or that you would end up just talking to me and the way you approached it I just couldn’t agree. If you had said, ‘Oh let’s go hang out!’ in a very particular sort of way I might’ve thought that you really just wanted to get to know me better, but being there with your friend just made no sense.” says Lacey.

“You thought that you might get raped but you hoped that I wasn’t that evil.” he says.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Yeah that’s pretty shitty.” he says.

“Yeah, yeah that’s true.” says Lacey.

“And then I wrote you poetry when you were in high school.” says Dr. Bartolotta. “Hey, did you ever read any of it?”

“No, I did not Joe. Yes, that’s true. I never read any of it. Never. You never let me never let me read it.” says Lacey.

“Did I ever give it to you?” says Dr. Bartolotta.

“No you did not, but you let other people read it and they they are the ones that told me about it. You never even told me.” says Lacey.

“That’s true.” says Joe. He stares.

“Was it any good?” says Lacey.

Joe stares.

“Was it any good?” says Lacey.

“Oh, I mean I wrote it so.” says Joe.

“Unfortunately, I have no idea what that means.” says Lacey.

Joe smiles. Sighs.

“Was it good Joe? Seriously, was it?” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Joe.

Chris Fong laughs.

“What-what? What? What was it like?” says Lacey.

“Well, I mean it was just it was just a few lines and verses about you.” says Joe.

“What-what-what about me?” says Lacey.

“Your eyes.” he says.

“Is that all that it said? Just, ‘Your eyes?’” says Lacey.

He cries.

“Oh wow that sounds moving.” says Lacey sarcastically.