“Abbey Road” by Lem Billings

(July 20th, 2024)

Lacey is possibly a real genius.

As I sit here listening to Abbey Road, on vinyl, I realize how…sad it is. Lacey felt this moment. In history. Years and years ago. …She knew.

What makes her any different from other people who have sensed things like this? …She’s really sensed it. …People have sensed trouble, but Lacey…felt it entirely.

She hates listening to the Beatles. LOATHES IT. Right now her skin is crawling. …She recognizes their ability. But…something about the music itself and the spiritual feeling of the music…is extremely upsetting to her on a deep level.

Part of the reason why she hates the Beatles is because of me. She can hear me falling apart and wants to save me. But she can’t. And it’s horrific. …She hears my soul drifting off…longing for death. And longing for her. …Yes her.

Let me tell you. …It was staggering when I realized I was straight.

I really did spend…my whole life…almost…thinking I was gay. …We didn’t know what homosexuality really was. …Not really. And that’s the thing. …We knew it was to be attracted to the same gender. But…what is it to be attracted to someone? We didn’t have that fully figured out. What is attraction? …What is sex? …Those are still difficult questions. …So…if you saw me at a party, I’d seem gay one minute and then the next you’d possibly have heard me or seen me seeming entirely and unequivocally straight. For real, as they used to say. …It was- I used to go in and out of my act. One minute I’d be acting gay and the next minute it was…me. And…nowadays I can’t help but think you’d know. You know? I can’t help but think David Pitts himself, if he met me, would instantly feel weirded-out, in a way. …Matter-of-fact…I think most if not all of the gay men alive under 60…would know something was off about me. …The thing is…people back then used to ignore certain things for the sake of being respectful of other people. …So if I acted gay…and was into interior decorating…you deferred to that instead of questioning my…sanity. Because…to question my sanity would have been common but also considered disrespectful. Lots of people questioned my sanity. My own family did often. …But…if you were trying to be my friend…you’d try to be kind…and not…question me to start with. So…whether or not I was really gay…was…beyond the scope of analysis of most people. Their first instinct was to wonder if I was gay at all…not to wonder if I thought I was gay and had lost my mind.

…But yes. Lacey would have known. And we’d have fallen deeply in love. …She might have wondered if I was bisexual, not straight. But…no. I was straight.

…But she wasn’t there. And…it’s Hellish to listen to the Beatles for her for some reason. It literally feels…like a slice of actual Hell.

Kick In The Door by The Notorious B. I. G. plays. This song is the Holy Spirit reaction to the Beatles possibly. Yes. Your read that. …What if it’s true?

Do you hear it?

The Kennedy men would all have their asses kicked Hell back and forth like popcorn by her. And her alone. That’s how mad they made her. If there was no Fall of Man. She’s ferocious. And…endless in her wrath. You have no will that strong. She never forgets. She wants to literally wring their necks. Like wet rags. When she considers how kids were affected. Jack made a total fucking fool of himself taking her on. They think they cute…and all that…but they just damn crazy, we might say.

But I’m never going to let her do that. They’d be regretful in seconds. With their weak asses. As people…she’s vastly stronger than them. I’m physically symbolic of that. But the edge in her personality is mine. Because I’m the man. …The thing is…she’s not beneath me. She’s just…mine. Asks a Muslim to explain if you’re an offended Liberal. And if you’re a Christian…be hopeful. …She doesn’t lose her personality. I don’t lose my physical strength. We’re just restored through Christ.

It’s not a joke. She’ll raise up the ocean to drown you. In 200 years. If necessary. 400 years.

Here’s the truth: Jack Kennedy was a spoiled…rich…brat. …People knew that. But they didn’t say it often after he died. At least not publicly. …And he didn’t know how to be himself. …Jack Kennedy was bisexual. …And he hated women. …And he was a rapist and a racist. And…a drug addict. And an abusive person. …He was a malignant narcissist who lived for people’s approval and attention and praise.

But…I lied about all of that because I thought I was being…sentimental. I loved myself…and I thought…I was…being loyal to him and that was my sense of honor. You don’t ditch the one who you came with. You know? …No matter what. …But…in my last few years…I became incredibly bitter.

We exist. The dead. …Don’t forget that.

Biggie haunts America. And Lacey…is a dam that burst…in regard to him, artistically speaking. She has very little knowledge of his doings. Unless it has something to do with the DNC and child trafficking. …But no, it’s on an artistic level, which is not nothing. It’s their souls. She hears him. And as a warrior for Christ she appreciates his courage. It’s…no clown show. Perhaps Putin might like Biggie too. Maybe not. …You know The Rite of Spring and other pieces by Stravinsky sound quite a bit like Biggie. Listen. Do you hear it? Especially in Kick In The Door. …Biggie was a genius. The lyrics exist outside of time. As they were possibly intended to. Almost like how some Christians interpret the book of Revelations.

…No. I remember sitting in a pornographic film in New York City late one night in 1979. By myself. …Miserable. And I turned to a man nearby, there were only a few of us there, and I asked him, “Is this- Is this gay!?” I yelled. …And he turned to me and laughed, intoxicated but still amused by me. He looked at me like I was stupid…joking…or too high to be thinking clearly. Something. Anyway, he said, “No. It’s normal heterosexual sex.” And then slowly turned back around, confused.

Why? Why did I think I was watching homosexuality? Because it was so emotional. So…thoughtful. And I was shocked. Because I genuinely thought that was stuff only gay men did with women. Really. Men who weren’t really all that interested in actually having sex with women, just being their friends. …And maybe that sounds improbable…but you have realize…I died in 1981. That was long before a lot of the more sensitive portrayals of heterosexuality existed in the media. …And most of my “friends” were mean bisexuals. Asshole, misogynistic closeted bisexuals. And hyper feminine gays. And gays who mildly hated women or were suspicious of them. …I had distanced myself from my family. And my parents were possibly very private.

…I wasn’t aware I was supposed to be so…sensitive. With women. I thought that was part of what was wrong with me. And my older brother was also private, as was my brother-in-law…and neither of them were as emotional as I am. As sensitive. As artistic. …So I was stunned when I watched that film and realized…straight men…were…like me. …It was American porn. But…it was the 1970’s. …In New York City. …Late at night. …And I think the man was supposed to be…sensitive. …It was a pornographic film made for hippies, probably. Or by hippies. Aging hippies. Because it was the late 1970’s. Not old. But…hippies in their 30’s. Ha! …So…he was this…emotionally aware man. Dark hair. …And all these women loved him. …And I was…baffled when the scenes became heterosexual. Because…he’d hold them. And counsel them. As I had done. Often. …Not so much holding women…but counseling them. Being there for them, so to speak. …But then…they had sex. …He didn’t have some narcissistic prick expecting him to suck his tiny pale cock and make him cum…who’d them fuck the woman later too. The women who he’d counseled for hours. I did have that. And it was Hellish. But I didn’t know that. …I was obviously taken advantage of if Jack knew what he was doing, and I think he did. I think Jackie knew too. …I did not. Not really.

There’s a reason Lacey is angry. There’s a reason I’m so quiet. And believe me…I’ve been quiet.

So I watched…and felt…shook. I often watched heterosexual pornography. I had for years. It was one of my only outlets. As a very confused heterosexual. …But this wasn’t…so…impersonal. And…I saw myself. And…it was like…when you die. Okay? …You find out a lot. …And it felt a bit like that. Surreal. …I didn’t know people thought like me in that way. …Amazingly or not, I’d never heard of it. I’d never seen it. …So I sat there and…watched my own personal thoughts manifest as some film. Things I thought were gay. …I didn’t realize…women would like…me. Really. …I mean…I was huge, asthmatic…and…acted gay. And Jack always got the girl, so to speak. But that didn’t bother me, because I thought I was gay anyway. But…it’s not like…women threw themselves at me ever. Not really. Not attractive women. …So…seeing attractive women…swoon over his sweet, sensitive words…and have sex with him…was…shocking. And…yeah. I asked a guy sitting nearby if I was watching some sort of gay pornography.

I went home…after…feeling like I was…in The Twilight Zone. Or as you’d say, The Truman Show. And…it was…Hellish. Because I realized like an earthquake hitting me…how absurd my life was. …And I’d known. I’d suspected it anyway. But…I’d not known it was…that…horrific. …Nothing was ever normal. Okay? None of my sexual encounters were what you’d consider normal homosexual encounters in 2024. By any stretch of the imagination. They were always weird. And dysfunctional, according to what’s considered healthy in 2024. …I was…dissociated, uninterested…and trying to be accommodating. But…it was never…fun for me. It was about trying to be…something alive. So…I was…troubled. I was troubled when I realized how good sex could have been…and be. Because I was a drug-addicted, 60- something with Herpes from JFK. Who had gay friends. And few connections to the outside world of normal people who had normal healthy lives. Who lived outside of the Kennedy Army. The Kennedy Circus. Who…hadn’t signed-up and lost their souls. Who’d married the Donna Reed lookalike and had…five kids. Lived somewhere. …Where is somewhere? High…over the rainbow…somewhere…making-love to a woman who looked like Donna Reed every night, if they wanted to. …Lacey’s better looking than Donna Reed…but she wasn’t there. And yet I still knew…she might exist…in Heaven, if not on Earth.

…But…I lost. I lost my war with life. My attempt to be…alive. And I realized sitting there and then walking home…that I was…living a life that had nothing but misery left. More ass-kissing of the Kennedys. More trying to be…alive when my body was aging and it didn’t seem like there was a reason to be alive almost at all anyway. I didn’t think I was a good uncle. And…what woman would want me? Right?

…And yeah. I had gotten used to acting gay. I tried to let down my guard on occasion. …But…people weren’t as nice. …People were nicer to me when I acted gay.

When I walked around…showered, shaved, sober…and dressed okay…in say…Pittsburgh…acting straight…I was given an eye of suspicion. Like…I was…evil somehow. …Some…old…possibly rich…big man…who had no wedding ring. Who seemed…lost somehow, maybe. Kinda…unaware for his age or something. Too…youthful. …But that’s just it. I was…never…able…to grow-up. …Because I was so damn confused. …So life went by and I lived some other man’s existence. And now everyone thinks I’m him.

Who was I? An Old Money, exceptionally tall, big, burly man. Kinda like The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island. …Straight. Sweet. Very intelligent, although…very unpretentious about it. …I think Gore Vidal was irritated by me because I was straight. I wasn’t unintelligent or unintellectual. But…I was…what you used to call “a dude” in the 1990’s and 2000’s. And I think…if he’d realized that I wasn’t stupid but rather “a staight guy” he’d of- But…maybe that’s just it. He didn’t want to realize that fully. …Anyway, I was straight. Mellow. Kind. Loving. Calm. Funny, I guess. …Secretly very serious and even depressed. But loving. Tough. Quiet about my suffering. Possibly silent. …Rebellious, in a way. Or maybe…principled. Confident. Down-to-earth. …Sensitive. Artistic. Cerebral. …Distant. Very distant after I was abused. …I was a genuinely nice guy.

Some people might say I was good at acting. …But you know…if you’d seen me now I really do doubt you’d be as convinced. I truly think you’d know I wasn’t gay. You’d possibly think I was insane. Truly. …But back then they just didn’t recognize it. Lacey would have. Red Fay was…intrigued. But Jack was loud…and the memory of him was loud. And people are apt to want to let things go at times. Nobody back then wanted to question it. Not that much. …And nowadays they don’t want it to either, even though nowadays people would know. But…seeing me in movies and hearing my recording…isn’t enough. Lacey saw it right away. But…most people think they’re seeing a gay man…and so they assume the part where I’m acting is me. And their brain rarely recognizes that other five minutes or three minutes or five seconds when my voice drops or my overly cheerful gay facial expression drops into one of lonely, dour contemplation.

I was lonely. Not often left alone. Hence my famous comment. But I was lonely. In a deeper sense I was very lonely. Most people in any relationship with a malignant narcissist are. Jackie was lonely. But Jack died…and she had other men, at least eventually. I wasn’t one of them. We weren’t that attracted to each other. Sometimes straight people don’t find other straight people attractive. But…there were other men eventually at least.

I wasn’t a sassy gay man. A sasshole, if you will. I wasn’t really a jerk at all. I was…imitating that. But my family knew better. I knew better. It’s horrific that more people don’t. I’m still hidden. A hidden, built-over, carefully guarded secret. Nobody tells the truth. They either can’t, don’t want to, or haven’t the interest. And that’s understandable. But lying about me was a real huge mistake. And it’s not going to go away until nobody cares about the Kennedys or gay men or the 1960’s. Or possibly even American History. This blog may be the only way I’ve ever been able to find to communicate with almost anyone what really happened. It’s a very closeted…but for real this time.

I wasn’t a truly closeted man. JFK was. Red Fay was. …I was…tormented. Confused. Lost. Not just some man with homosexual desires who wanted to be straight, I actually was straight. By any measure or definition. …I suppose some people don’t believe homosexuality exists at all. …But there are many men who experience what they believe are real desires for other men. Very strong desires. I wasn’t own of those men. Ask God someday when you want.

Why won’t I let Lacey bother to seek retribution. That’s not her problem. But it’ll be worse for that…or closer to what she’d really want if she had the knowledge of God…Lord willing. I don’t want to spare them. I’ve said on this blog that they can all go to Hell, if they are determined to reject God for certain. I’d not miss them. I’m not…in a good place with them, so to speak. Watching Lacey suffer has been- I can’t begin to tell you. Sorry.

How does that affect you? Well…do you long for truth? Real truth? I’m not talking about politics, necessarily. If you do then you’re going to be fine if you earnestly seek it out and embrace Christ. But I can’t discuss that make right now.

Later.

A group of Indians walk by Lacey at a blueberry farm. One reminds her of Lem. He’s older. She can’t describe it…but something about them comforts her. And makes her feel less insane. As if they’d believe her if she really sat down with them and talked. Or they’d not act…weird about it at least. Like she was an absolute freak.

“Would you believe Lem would leave you for JFK? If there’s reincarnation?” says a gay American actor.

“Yes…and no.” says Lacey.

“I’ve never heard of a fake gay man.” says a gay Millennial.

“I think I have.” says Lacey.

“So what!?! …Is it technically possible or not!?” yells Lem.

“SHIT.” says the first gay actor. “Yes.” he admits.

“Yeah!!! So why isn’t it possible…when it’s possible?” says Lem.

“No. I mean…it’s possible.” says the first gay man.

“So why…do you assume…it isn’t!?” says Lem.

“Because…” says the first gay actor.

“Why!?” yells Lem.

They’re at a loss.

“I’ll tell you why! You hate Lacey. …You hate her. And what you don’t realize is that you’d hate me too. You just don’t really know me.” says Lem.

“You’re so attractive though!” says Lacey.

“Thank you. …But they don’t know me.” says Lem.

“What is it?” says Lacey.

She sees them with Lem. As him being himself.

“They’d be…” says Lacey.

“They don’t like us anymore. Not really.” says a dead woman from the 1960’s.

“Why!??” says Lacey.

“I seemed like a sassy gay man. That was my act. And it was very convincing apparently. …Well…at least to them. …People like Red Fay knew better. But most people weren’t that aware. They knew I was different, but they didn’t know what it all was exactly. And they knew to some degree in some cases that it was an attraction to other men…but…it wasn’t often a fully understood concept even among those who had an idea what I was doing. I knew about it because my father was a doctor and I read a lot. I was a very curious kid, by my own standards at least.

…People today can’t imagine that easily. And…they just don’t get it.

If they were to meet me…they might have liked my act and found me charming. Very charming even. …But I think the longer they talked to me the more they’d have either willfully denied reality or they’d have noticed and found me…confusing.

Confusing how? They’d have felt I was white…old…stuffy…rich…conservative…and annoying, if not offensive. Like they found most of my peers when they aged. Very…traditional.

It’s actually a funny thought. Me being myself and some gay man meeting me and assuming beforehand that I’m going to be a completely different person than I am.

The sad truth is…Lacey is never going to be one of those people. Even if she dies and discovers she’s not with me at all…and I’m flamingly gay…she won’t be surprised. Because she doesn’t get surprised. People don’t understand her. They don’t understand me. Why is that sad? Because she’s not capable of being easily hopeful or happy… I could bring Christ with me and return on a chariot with her father and Emperor Constantine and she’d be skeptical. Warm, welcoming, loving…humble…open to love and Christ…but skeptical. And it will take God to ever alter that. And He will.

But many a gay man…would be shocked. Even as they arrogantly assume she would be. That they are the woke ones. That they are the cool ones. The knowing few. The…in…crowd.

And they will be shocked when they discover that she doesn’t hate them and never did. And that…I am…exceedingly straight.

Gore Vidal couldn’t stand me.” says Lem.

“Are there straight men alive like you today?” asks a gay actor.

“Not many.” says Lem. “Men like me in general aren’t common.”

“Are you like Skippy?” asks a gay actor.

Lem laughs. “Kinda. …Look…Skippy was tall but not like Alan Hale Jr.. And he was Jewish. I’m not Jewish and I’m a huge person.” says Lem.

“Lem…what was your relationship like with God?” asks a Christian in the Illuminati.

“I wasn’t done explaining.

So…you’re all going to find a big…white…serious…quiet man. Not serious like Colin Firth was serious but rather like…George Bush was serious in his debates with Bill Clinton. Not appealing. And I don’t mean sexually. I mean unappealing in general.” says Lem.

“I just feel like she’s judging me.” says a lesbian.

“She’s not.” says Lem. “Where was I with God? I left the church because I felt put off by the church after I was molested by a priest. Not God…or Christianity necessarily. But I was…hurt. And I certainly didn’t feel safe. God knew that. He knew I was scared and suspicious for good reason.”

“So you were a Christian your whole life?” asks a Christian in the Illuminati.

“Yes.” says Lem. “I was. I died one too. I died believing Christ could save me. And I possibly had even been witnessed to and accept salvation at some point in the 1970’s. …But I preferred death, for the most part in my 60’s over anything else.”

Later.

“I don’t believe you’re Lem!

And Lacey never loved you. She ain’t your wife reincarnated. She’s barely human. You could shoot her and she’d turn into a giant fart.

She’s a worthless dog incapable of love. She’s a hateful, ignorant, presumptuous bitch.” says a 70-something woman with short hair. She had a grand love in her estimation with her now dead husband. He died in his 60’s. She’s a huge, snobby butch bitch herself. But her husband loved her. Loved her whiny average ass. And she had a very happy life. And in her mind a woman as beautiful as Lacey must be Satan. No matter how sad Lacey’s life is compared to her…she’s always the victim in her mind. Always the savior. Always the misunderstood hero. Taylor Swift…but less brilliant, gifted and…just all around vastly more average. Maybe as pretty as Taylor. Maybe not. …There are more lesbians who look like this…than straight women…but…these women…aren’t. And nobody says anything…even though it’s kinda weird and hard to tell the difference at times, even though they’ll be offended somehow if you’re just a tiny bit wrong and assume wrongly at all.

“Oh! I assumed you were chill. Once.” says Lacey.

“Yeah! Like a lesbian.” she says.

“Yeah.” says Lacey.

“That’s when you hurt my feelings and I realized you were a horrible person.” she says, on truth serum.

“Go on.” says Lem.

“Anyway…you loved Jack. I know you did.” she says, crying. She smiles at Lem, fondly.

“Yeah!” says Susanne Little. “He kept everything he had from those days with Jack. And…they meant the world to him!”

Lacey thinks. “Look…that’s someone’s interpretation of it.” she says, urged by Melania Trump to be more honest.

“Yeah. …But they got that interpretation from somewhere.” says the woman.

“Yeah. But what makes you think it’s factual? It might not be. …It could easily be make complicated than that. …And you might just be a total fucking idiot compared to me.” says Lacey.

She looks at Lacey.

“You look like shit.” says Lacey.

“Well that’s not up to you.” she says.

“Did your beloved husband get hard from your hair? I bet he didn’t.” says Lacey. “You look awful.”

“No. He actually didn’t like my short hair. …But he loved me. So…he didn’t care.” she says.

“Yeah. He cared. …You’re just a spoiled bitch.” says Lacey.

She thinks.

“You’re a hoe too? You spread your legs for lots of men? …Yeah. You’re a stupid bitch huh? …No. I killed myself if there’s reincarnation because I’m not as dumb as you, you gross hoe.” says Lacey. “Ou non? You ain’t a slut?”

She thinks.

“You’re a shallow dumb bitch. Apologize someday that I had to know you.” says Lacey. “Fuck you!”

“Lem…you didn’t cherish your photo album? From Europe?” she asks.

“NO!!!” yells Lem. “Look…you’re oversimplifying it.”

“She’s a slut. And that hair looks awful on her.” says Lacey’s neighbor.

“Yeah.” says Lacey, smiling.

She laughs. “What would she look like if she wasn’t wearing short hair?”

Lacey thinks. “See…African American women look good with short hair. But we don’t have that kind of…volume. White women. It’s too…flat. It looks awful.” says Lacey.

“You’re right.” says a dead woman.

“It’s not that bad.” says a woman who wears her hair that way.

“Oh no. It is. …It really is.” says Lacey. “But…some women have pretty enough faces it works. Or they’re lesbians. But…I’ve never heard one straight or bisexual man ever say he really loved short hair on a woman.”

What’s Beef by The Notorious B. I. G. plays.

“Look…I wore corsets for Lem. And he loved them. I lost two kids. …And then he died. And I was hit by a bus. Literally. Or a wagon or car? …Anyway…no. He was straight. Very straight. And…he loved me.

And I drank myself to death. Within a few months. Why? …Because I wasn’t stupid. …Nothing was ever going to bring him back. And unlike you…I starred death in the face and chose to dance with it. Why? Because I just wanted to die. …It wasn’t to at life was over. …Come on. There was no reason to not die. My kids were dead. He was dead. My parents were dead. …Why…not?

Lem sadly looks to have experienced the same thing. But I kinda doubt he did. …And if there’s reincarnation…it’s a mockery of my real pain. And I feel bad for him. He’d be in trouble. But…if there’s reincarnated I know him. And I know he didn’t mean to be that cruel. If there’s reincarnation. …Because he might have done a parody of my real life.” says Lacey.

“Oh okay! You’re just better than me!” she says mocking Lacey.

“Yeah. Yeah, bitch! What if I am hoe!?” says Lacey.

Someone has to carry her away.

“I don’t like it. Why is she so shitty?” says Lacey to God.

“I’m not!” she says cheerfully to Lacey.

“I hope not.” says Lacey. “But I’m not getting my hopes up.” she says with actual sadness.

The woman thinks.

“Do you understand what you’re accusing me of? And how deeply evil you’re possibly being?” Lacey asks her.

She thinks.

“Your pain?! Girl! What about my pain? You had a life! …I lost Lem fairly young. After losing two kids.” says Lacey.

“Oh yeah! You’re the bitch!” she says.

“Oh. Okay. We’re still fighting? …How?” says Lacey doubtfully.

“How did you lose your kids?” she asks Lacey accusingly.

“Once I rode a horse too late in my pregnancy. And the other time I lost the child during sex. With Lem.” says Lacey.

“That’s what you recall!??” she says.

“Yes. But those might be false memories.” says Lacey, shrugging.

“Yup. We had sex too late.” says Lem. “If there’s reincarnation.”

“What happened…with the album?” she asks.

“You knew I wanted to explain. …And I will. Again. …I may have given people the impression it meant something to me. Very possibly. Because it was a very big deal. I was JFK’s youth. Unseen photos. His writing. Photos of me with him. It was evidence that I’d known him and he’d known me. That I was a historical figure via him. …If there was a fire that’s one of the things I’d have kept. But…it actually meant nothing to me in a sexual and romantic way…in reality. …And eh actually wasn’t that great of a friend to me. Okay? So…no. That’s a misunderstanding of me. But I understand it. I easily might have acted excited or proud or sentimental about that album. …I had…little to look forward to…so my tokens of youth before I wasted my life were dear to me.” says Lem. “But no it wasn’t meaningful to me in that way.”

“You were raped by Jack on that trip?” she says.

“That’s right. I was.” says Lem.

“So he raped you?” says JD Vance.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“How many people did he rape?” asks JD Vance.

Lem thinks. “100.”

“And you thought they were what?” says JD Vance.

“I rationalized it. Just like a rationalized what was happening to me. Those were different times. …I rationalized it.” says Lem.

“Who did he rape?” asks JD Vance.

“Me. Jackie. …A few people I’d rather not discuss publicly. Grace Kelly. …All his girlfriends. Dozens of prostitutes. …Yes. You can rape a prostitute. Numerous male prostitutes. Numerous female prostitutes. Some teenagers. …He was scum. …I never arranged for him to sleep with teenagers.

…He was very mean.” says Lem.

“How did he rape the prostitutes?” asks another one of Lacey’s neighbors.

“He’d pay them. And they’d think they were on their way out and he’d demand physically they they let him have sex again. And they fought him more than once. And he’d treat it like a joke. Or he’d argue he hadn’t been satisfied and they still owed him. …And sometimes he’d imply that it wasn’t fun unless they weren’t expecting to get money afterwards. Kind of like they were his victims instead of his workers. …He made lots of people cry.

You know…how in Hell…do you not get it? If Lacey and I aren’t just talking to demons? Right? Because I’m a ghost. But what if she’s also being attacked by demons? Right? …She’s not schizophrenic. …So… But if you’re a real Illuminati…not just demons…how do you not get it?

Lacey…was in love with Joe. And he…let her believe it meant something. In her subconscious. …He was taller, more handsome and smarter than Jack. …She’s actually rejected him today. Just today. …And that’s her perspective. …WHY…do you keep assuming she’s so damn desperate!?? …AND WHY…do you think…she has no clue who the Kennedys are!?? Like I loved some other Kennedys!? …They’re the same people.

They…pursued her…for decades. Heck! Bobby’s wives eerily resemble her. Rachel Ward resembles her,

And Lacey’s father is Tom. Through birth or not.

For her…to write what she has…is a very big deal.

Who do you think I knew!?? …Joe…was out of my league! Even if he was bisexual. I’d have thought he was out of my league. …And he was smitten by her.” says Lem.

“Yeah. So you’re both our rejects.” says Bobby.

“You’d have to have people who you haven’t rejected for that to work.” says Lacey.

“True.” says Cheryl.

“Yeah. I don’t think it easily works otherwise.” says Lacey.

Joe Kennedy Junior nods. “I’m still mad at her for leaving me.”

“I had to. He’s in love with…too many other people.” says Lacey.

“ Lacey has God confirmed for you that Linn was straight and that you were his twin flame and a Christian sense and that you two are together for eternity and that he’s in love with you and you’re in love with him and that he’s your everything and good on both of you and when you die, you’ll be with him etc.?” says Bobby.

Ethel glares at Lacey, but smiles.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

Ethel laughs. Smiles. “Lem was handsome but no, Joe was really good looking, Lacey.” she says.

“He was, I feel like I’ve almost seen him, but I just- He’s not Lem.” says Lacey.

“ hey I’m not gonna fight with you no but someday I hope to be able to fight with you about the fact that Lem chose to give my son drugs. I hope you never agree with him that that was a wise decision and I hope someday to be able to argue with you and actually convict you of something you’re potentially guilty of.” says Ethel.

“ I hope so too.” says Lacey.

Ethel looks sad.

“ all right that being said Lacey, we’re not a normal group of people.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Well that’s just about perspective.” says Lacey.

“ yeah but let’s give other people a little more credit than that.” says Bobby.

“ all right I’ll indulge for a short bit.” says Lacey.

“ are you a really screwed up view of the world right now and that’s interesting to me I am as one of the psychologist I don’t think you’re in touch with reality right now or if there’s reincarnation either I think you’re living in a different time in your head, and both are understandable but I don’t think you’re in touch with reality .

Yes, you would be totally reasonable talking to me if you were the niece of some somebody important like a duke if you were the niece of a duke, or even the great niece of a duke, some sort of Scottish aristocrats of a pretty high degree from the 1800s yeah, talking to me is no big deal you’re right I’m Mary Michaels no big deal marrying lame for love with his background and his intelligence and his understanding of the world. Totally reasonable but that’s not current in reality.

And then you’re like oh that’s true but then that’s where you start to lose touch with reality because if there’s if there’s a Reid, if there’s reincarnation, you’re still bizarrely comfortable talking to me and I weirdly comfortable talking to you. I I think that’s because your father really is Tom pinks Lacey I really think you could be your biological father for real. It just makes sense and it’s possible that it’s a 50-50 equation but the fact that it is 50% possible is still real which means that your father really Lacey biologically is dead and he’s Tom I don’t think you grasp that that’s possible I think it’s a theoretical concept to you and you’re totally dissociated from it.

And I think if he is your dad, you’ve been dissociated in a very atypical way since you were a very little girl I think you knew that Jim wasn’t your father and so when your parents were abusive to you, you somehow compartmentalized it and thought these people aren’t even my parents I care about them but they’re not even my mom and dad I think you knew that subconsciously And so they abused you and maybe psychologically it’s so much similar to being abused by a foster parent but then that’s the thing that’s what happened that’s your actual psychology is that you were abused by foster parents who are wealthy in a different way than most people would understand but then your actual parents were dead or abandon you I think your mother in many ways just abandon you, even if she wasn’t a bad person, but I don’t think Tom was trying to abandon you. I have looked into it some and if he’s your dad now he was not trying to abandon you. I think your face are very difficult choice and it’s actually very eerie to me that we have Joe Biden as president right now, and Donald Trump and me are people to choose from because it reminds me of your dad and the terrible decision that he had to make a fool to raise you, I have a feeling that is weirdly similar. Somehow if you’re illegitimate if you’re his daughter because it was like you know, Joe went from having some mental capacity for years ago to having very little right now. He’s terrible you’ve seen him but he has no idea what’s going on and that’s a very quick descent But I have a feeling your father was afraid of that and that’s why he didn’t want to raise you and he probably thought Selma could end up like that too when you were still young and he didn’t wanna put you in a position of being raised by foster parents for real you know we’re having to deal with your mothers family and being rejected by them because you were his daughter you know I have a feeling there would’ve been some shame with That and her family your father has said who raised you that they were very judgmental people that Marty had a very judgmental sister you know that’s fact right cause his fact she had a very judgmental sister your father literally told you that there’s a text message to prove it do you know that or not?” says Bobby.

“ oh, I do know that but you’re right I’m not living in reality the way that I should be. I know that but no you’re onto something whether I’m Tom’s daughter or not you’re not sure you’re not off there is something to what you’re saying. “ says Lacey.

“ OK yeah so then that’s where I have to ask you what’s wrong with my family why are you rejecting Joe but I could not for you like wake ups for real what is it?” says Bobby.

“ and honestly, it’s a mess.” says Lacey. “ I was in love with your uncle if this is a real conversation if I was able to speak to him no I was very deeply in love with your uncle Joe. I thought he was just the epitome of all manhood I really was deeply in love with him for years but that’s but that’s the thing that was my human understanding of things in a phone world where I didn’t really get a chance to understand everything that I should’ve understood and the truth is I actually really did find them very attractive when I was a teenager I did. I saw his picture, and I thought he was amazing and I’m not sure who wins between the two I disregarded them because I read that he was gay. I don’t think I completely believed it but I read that he was and I think I just thought there’s some thing about it it’s just you know, it’s just somehow doesn’t quite work out or some thing, but in the back of my head, he really was just astounding to me maybe even my ultimate ideal except you’re really was also an ultimate ideal in a way, so I don’t know who wins between the two, but that’s where it’s not just me deciding this and it seems like lame really does love me in a way that your uncle can’t and it’s interesting because if I’ve been interacting with Latin, my love for him has become some thing that scares me because it’s not controllable as much as I’m used to possible because it’s mutual more, and I really can see myself if there’s reincarnation having killed myself over him and that is not something that I would probably do for anybody else. Um, potentially him, but it seems as though he loves me more than anyone has ever love me, or could ever love me, and it seems as though there’s some part of me that just oh I don’t fully understand about myself that loves him. Possibly in this is where I get scared. I think it’s just real but know if it is know some part of me loves him more if it’s real some part of me loves him more possibly that I understand that I am capable of comprehending and that’s astounding and wonderful because it seems as though he can handle that for me but then that’s where it’s like well yeah I did I did love your uncle but then he ran off with Pat Wilson in 2017 he really seemingly ran off with her, and and the sort of aftermath Lem’s had an opening to start talking to me himself. I think he’s been silenced up until then I don’t know if that’s part of a jack was doing was using his brother to keep them from being able to talk to me, but when he got distracted by Pat Wilson, after she died seems like Ploen was able to finally talk to me and so then that’s when I realized who he was again and found out that seemingly he was straight I thought I think I always thought some thing was a little bit off but that whole thing, but no seemingly he was straight and I if there’s been Carnation, I probably knew he was straight and then forgot or was brainwashed to thinking he wasn’t but no you are that’s a thing Bobby if we’re having a real heart to heart rate if there’s reading Carnation I knew he was straight Bobby I knew you I watched you I probably even worried about you and prayed for you at times it’s very possible if there’s reincarnation, you’re the reason I am the right part of the reason you were able to be sober I probably helped you get sober. I really loved it but I I might have for real I cared about you people because he cared and you were in his life and I just cared about people in general. I’m actually pretty compassionate person but I think we’re at where I was going with that is that I’m angry, because I knew he was straight I knew he gotten horribly confused and that he really was actually straight and if there’s reincarnated no I knew that but then I was brainwashed into thinking that he was gay. How did I know because I was there I saw him I mean I wasn’t I was probably sleeping with him. If there’s I’ve got allows people to do if there’s been carnation, and he loves sometimes people to interact spiritually

Or if that’s just how things work if that’s part of the reason why you’re not supposed to like you know, interact with yourself in that way because you’re not really alone and you’re never really just interacting with yourself, so if that’s part of the reason why the no I was there I knew love I know him and you’re not. I hate that just makes me angry that I was so terribly brainwashed, and that’s probably possible I mean I’m not trying to be a total jerk to people right arm but no that’s possibly part of the reason why I’m so angry at a lot of liberals right now because I just I feel like they messed people up. They give them stupid ideas of the world, and now that you know God loves us. People considers you very loving it, so there’s no hope I love that part of liberalism that people matter that we matter but sometimes I feel like they’re a little presumptuous, but then they have the arrogance to assume that they aren’t because they think that there’s somehow enlightened in some deep, profound way, right because there’s so you know, loving in their own minds so open minded . They assume far too much at the very least far too often to be quite so overconfident that’s all right to be so confident in their understanding of things they don’t know as much as they purport to know.” says Lacey.

“ well into some degree I’m at odds with some of them right now and I would agree with you. I know I mean I’m fighting with some of them right now you’re right they don’t. “ says Bobby.

“ and that’s where I probably think like you slightly. You have to let people figure things out for themselves you know and that’s probably why I’m a little bit of a libertarian know the degree that you aren’t necessarily, but I understand why so I could think that way.” says Lacey.

Later.

“ oh, so Lacey, do you believe in God?” says Bobby.

“ yes.” says Lacey.

“ do you think he’s capable of reaching out to you and after over three years of you asking him probably thousands of times fervently answering you with clarity once when you asked him about Lem?” says Bobby.

“ I think that it’s possible that it’s doomed the way that a cancer victim might be and there’s nothing that can be done and he wants to be able to say something but that it’s just very hard to worst case scenario but that not being the scenario I would say, it’s pretty much impossible that he hasn’t answered at least once.” says Lacey.

“ I would agree with you and I don’t think it’s some thing like cancer. I think that’s not a good analogy. I don’t think it’s likely that he would be able to answer you. I just don’t think that’s likely I hear you but there could be some interference. That’s impenetrable in someway spiritually for him, all at the same time I would rather the chances that it’s not impossible, are pretty slim if not impossible .” says Bobby.

“ yeah that’s the thought that I’ve had so on that note yeah it’s it’s pretty likely that Lem was straight and that I am with him for eternity .” says Lacey.

“ oh, you know it’s weird I think you know him better than I do.” says Bobby.

Lacey thinks.

“ yes and honestly I have a feeling you know him better than any of his friends did either Lacey.” says Cheryl.

Lacey thinks.

“ sweetie that’s reality .” says Bobby.

Lacey thinks.

“ yeah so if there’s no illuminati, you found the illuminati Lacey and you were friends with the queen and I don’t think you’ve been in your right mind since she died entirely.” says Cheryl.

“ you know it’s weird I feel like a part of me died when she died. How do you say that but if this is a real conversation no I feel like a part of me died when she died I don’t know what it was exactly but before she died, I was not speaking in a Scottish accent, I don’t know what that is if there’s reincarnation I probably was Scottish and then that’s the problem for some reason I just don’t have it in me anymore when I’m really stressed out to even bother at it I think I think I’m too far removed from anyone that knows me and loves me at this point and so if there’s reincarnation, I just it’s like my spirit can’t handle it anymore and every once in a while I just start talking like my old self if there’s reincarnation .” says Lacey.

“ so it’s just too much trauma.” says Joe I.

“ Yeah, if there’s reincarnations yeah my brain is too traumatized to figure out how to even think it is just like I know who I am and I exist but now I am ready to just add the world because I kept her else to do practically it just seems like evil is too evil and Curtis is too quiet to hidden into Dad and I I can’t I just can’t make heads or tails of it “ Says Lacey.

“ I don’t think you want to punish people I think you feel so you have to for the sake of justice I highly doubt that that’s going to be your job when you die to go around correcting everyone .” says Joe I.

“ are you know I’d rather not be that person, but it just often times. Seems like I have to be and if I actually am talking to you know if I’m Tom’s daughter, I think I’ve got into a very weird position at this point which could be if there’s reincarnation part of my trauma of feeling like everyone’s mother, who is alive or absence, grandmother/mother/en/grandmother and I don’t feel like I have anyone alive to talk to you much less Mary but it just feels like I’m old and when I when that man spoke at the Republican national convention who is in his 90s, I recognized myself and him in the way that he thought and I thought no I’m not stupid we’re not stupid. This is just how we think, and it’s like even when I get slow in my brain from stress reminds me of the mistakes that he would make the words that he’d forget to say or the things that he would get confused by. I was right there with him and I thought I hear you I wouldn’t know him to walk off the stage either at that moment and it’s funny because I think it is generational I really did identify with him him and it was good to see him because it reminded me that I’m not an idiot and I’m not necessarily insane that I’m just different. I just think differently the most the people live, so it was nice to see that reminder hopefully I won’t forget that for the rest of my 30 years of being an alien.” says Lacey.

“ well yeah and someday we’re going to be dead to you know we were we know you slightly because we knew Lem him but we also you remind us a little bit of our mom a little bit of our dad and there’s a part of us that it does feel like you knew somebody in our family will put it that way it is creepy Lacey how similar you are to some of the people that we’ve married or some of the people that we’ve been friends with and let’s just put that to rest you if there’s ring carnation new us you watched us and I have a feeling that you had some sort of deep connection to our family, possibly even through business will say, or you know, politics or something in your fathers doings, and I would bet I would bet that but that that’s part of what’s messed up in your head at this point if you discover the illuminati is that way too familiar and that’s mind blowing that we would be so familiar to you because we’ve never met necessarily almost at all, and that you know us very well. How is that possible, but that’s where you know even when I’m dead, Lord willing, I’ll pray for you because I can’t imagine being you being stuck with people that are a totally different wavelength and you most of your life and then realizing that halfway through and then being stuck like that talking to ghosts, that’s like a horror movie that has never been made know I mean it’s it can’t just be manufactured. There Hass to be some difference between the generations it can’t just be manufactured because now I don’t relate to Genzie. I can’t imagine growing up with him as a Boomer, and then thinking that I’m supposed to be one of them, but then being a boomer that would be really difficult I mean there’s similarities there are similarities but not enough where I would feel completely comfortable being myself and no I think it be very difficult as a man because who are who who are you you know and that’s for somebody needs to say something more .” says Joe I.

“ if I have been interrupting you and lame because I’ve been prompted by Jack or Joe to interrupt you, I hope to someday be able to apologize. And I am sorry hopefully I’ll be able to say that you can know that I really mean it someday. Or prompted by my own questions.

That being said, your family was rich, your parents didn’t have a lot of money fine, but you were raised a family that had a lot of resources. We’ve been talking about it it sounds like that farm house that your family owned was a lot larger than you realized most of your life I mean, it sounds like it was very big, like what twice the size of your house?” says Bobby.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“ yes it is closer to 3000 ft.² then she realizes possibly.” says Lem.

“ And they built that and owned it in the 1920s.” says Bobby.

Lacey thinks.

“ that’s not as common as you think most farm houses are smaller than that they’re not still owned by the same family they’re not as well kept there’s usually somebody living there if there is well-kept as yours is, and there’s not usually as much of a go generational attachment to it that is unusual the fact that it’s located on millions if not billions of oil dollars will is also unusual and then yeah the fact that you had silversmiths in the family in Norway and professors coming to visit you in the 40s from Norway they were in your favor and your family that all the kids lived in and more than one of them became multi millionaires in the 50s as unusual .  Your father down, plays it and acts like he’s you know this impoverished man, but he’s not. He is able to retire after