“If”

If the Illuminati exists…Kamala’s campaign is doomed.

(August 7th, 2024 – Morning)

As Lem sits and realizes how bad things are…from a new perspective…he (I) reflects on last night.

Lacey…is profoundly unfortunate and yet extremely fortunate. She’s had little to no love shown her her whole life beyond doctors, strangers opening doors, and the friendship she has with her ex-husband and her kids. …That’s my opinion. And it’s true. …He’s her ex because he didn’t fall in love with her…that deeply…and her kids are her kids. …Virtually almost nobody celebrates her birthday. Nobody. …Her abusive father-who-raised-her is the loudest person on her birthday celebrating. He…does the most. Her ex tries. But…he’d never think of throwing her a party. Going on a vacation? Maybe. …But…even if she’s watched by people…nobody gives a damn when she’s sad the way I’d like. Nobody other than our kids. …When she cries nobody is there and nobody has been there for…essentially ever. …Her ex-husband has no idea what to do with her tears so he lets her deal with them on her own. And…her parents who raised her…gave her the impression that they cared when she cried…but when she asked for counseling from depression in high school from the mother-who-raised her…she was reticent and acted put-out, which obviously hurt Lacey and shocked her. …And so over the years Lacey realized she was alone. …Realizing how deeply alone she was…tempted her to kill herself in her late 20’s, but she reasoned against it. …Her life…makes my heart of love for Jack Kennedy look…so extraordinarily stupid it almost becomes a joke. …Actually it would be a joke if I could laugh about it, and maybe I can…and she doesn’t know that. …In my mind…he was…tragic. …He was left alone a lot by his parents who were extremely rich. And I thought that was…really tragic. …I was a sheltered, kind, loving person. …He seemed like a character from a novel who just needed help. And I was determined to help him. Make a difference in his life. All that. I did go out of my way to trying to get him attention from his family who arguably already loved him very much…but we’re just narcissistic and/or toxic, dysfunctional people. He was malignant, hateful and very evil…but I was determined to save him from a bad life. I felt privileged and he was my…case. Yes, I was on scholarship…but I came from a wealthy Old Money family and so I felt superior socioeconomically to list people, and was.

…Plays have been written about Michael Rockefeller. …About how lonely he was. …Actually his loneliness slightly echoes Lacey’s. In the plays. …He was somewhat lonely in real life. …Scott Fitzgerald was a lonely man on occasion too. But…Michael and Lacey are more alike. …How did I never understand that they were around? Because I didn’t. I had no idea how wretched some people’s loneliness is. Well…I was sheltered. And I was…very cloistered after I met Jack. So…I knew some things but I didn’t know about Michael and Lacey and…a great many other people. I was…made woefully ignorant. …It’s been shocking and embarrassing since I died. I was and am a very sensitive person and it’s amazing how little I knew as an adult about other people. And in a way it’s amazing how little people knew about me.

…Lacey can relax. Clean all day. Teach her son. Write. And she’s not worried about retirement. …That’s very unusual. …But she’s not a materialist. So…while she’s incredibly thankful…she’s not…different from the person who you read about in the second large paragraph. She’s cried in her vintage long ranch mink coat and imagined being held more than once.

Life is very complicated. Far more complicated than many people think it is. And less complicated too.

Last night…Tim Walz said that Donald Trump didn’t understand serving people. …That was an incredibly dumb thing to say. …It doesn’t seem like it at first…but it was. And if there’s an Illuminati they’re doomed.

“Why?” says Tim Walz.

“Because you insulted Lacey.” says the BBC. “And held your rally in Pennsylvania.”

“Yeah. Why Pennsylvania!?” says Donald Trump. “Because of Lem? Or because I got shot there? Or because of the historic drug problem in Philadelphia? …Why Philadelphia?”

“Because-“ says Tim Walz.

“Great!” says Donald Trump. “You know…if there’s an Illuminati…you’ve never seemed to realize you’re at fault. By choice.”

“Yeah. It’s- MSNBC gets Democratic politicians to attack her. And they do it willingly too.” says Joy Reid.

“WHY!??” yells a man in Minnesota.

“Because! I grew-up on a farm. Her neighbor was in my class. And I’m a GOVERNOR. I’m a big deal. …I’m a HUGE FUCKING DEAL. Not her.” says Tim Walz. “You cannot tell me that being GOVERNOR isn’t so much more ‘Old Money’ than her.”

“Yeah. And you insinuated that poor kids change magically into rich ones when they’re able to leave poverty.” says JD Vance. “So…why bother being a Democrat? I’m so confused. Like…why do we even bother!? Why not just…turn them back into farm workers living in stables?”

“Because! They deserve a chance at a middle class life!” says Tim Walz.

“But not a magical ‘Old Money’ life?” says JD Vance.

Usha laughs.

“Yeah. That doesn’t and didn’t actually make sense, Tim. …I honestly believe JD is still…a peasant…in his mind.” says Lacey’s neighbor.

“I am.” says JD Vance. “Tim…my hard work, accomplishments and…wile…haven’t shaken my memory from my mind. And yes…lower-middle class people can go to Harvard and Yale. …I’m sorry you were too stupid to get in.”

“He’s right. …Kids from a trailer park can go to Yale in America. Or no? You don’t think so?” says a woman from a trailer park.

“Her ex-husband went to a more prestigious university than you, Tim. How, by your logic, doesn’t that make her far more elite than you?” says JD Vance.

“Because! First of all, that’s him. Not her.” says Tim.

“So marriage is meaningless in regard to our identity and what’s ours?” says JD Vance.

“No. And that was poorly worded but I understand what you mean. …But…regardless…he didn’t become a governor.” says Tim Walz.

“Did you have a poor farm?” says Ray Craft to Tim Walz.

“It was middle class.” says Tim Walz.

Ray nods. “Did your father struggle to pay for your education?”

Tim thinks.

“I paid for four college educations. Bought my children cars. Gave them bank accounts. And retired in some luxury and ease for over 20 years. …And my uncle was knighted by the King of Norway. …I suppose that’s common for all farmers?” says Ray Craft. “And there are dozens of multi-millionaires in my family. And will be for the foreseeable future.”

“But it was a farm!” says Tim Walz.

“Not all farms are the same.” says Tom Banks from Nebraska.

“Yeah. We were the wealthier farm families in the area.” says Terese Nesheim.

“Okay! So…our insult just didn’t work.” says a writer from The Los Angeles Times.

“True!” says Lem.

“Why did you and do so many of you double down on that idiotic, ignorant insult still?” says the CIA.

“Because Diego’s ghost says he can’t let go of it.” says Tim Walz.

Kamala nods.

“And you’re beholden to Diego’s Ghost??” says a reader.

Tim Walz takes a deep breath. Sighs. “Yeah.”

“Why?” says the CIA.

“I’m lost too.

Sweetheart…let me try to explain something to you. Okay? …Not everyone is going to be like you. …Not all farms are the same. Not all people are the same. And some people are very unusual. …I’m one of them. Lacey’s one of them. You’re not. …But just because you’re not…doesn’t mean you should assume nobody is.” says Louis Hill Junior patronizingly to Tim Walz.

Tim laughs.

“It’s not funny!” says an ultra liberal to Tim Walz.

“Chill everyone.” says JD Vance.

“It’s just Diego and I talked. We talked for over an hour last month.” says Tim Walz, if there’s an Illuminati.

“Wow!” says Lacey’s neighbor who was in his class. “I never imagined you’d be having conversations with the dead…in the Illuminati.”

“They’ve started inculcating all US governors since the 1970’s. It’s very common.” says Tim Walz.

Awkward silence.

“But anyway…Diego was nice guy. A lot of knew him well from his humble efforts on All In to allow for the safety of Chris and his family. He was a champion of democracy. A real patriot. And I was honored to know him as a friend.

Anyway…he was hurt. He was hurt by Lacey.” says Tim Walz.

“Why does your former student live near Lacey Banks?” says a dead Schweitzer, with suspicion. “You all planned that. You can control her neighborhood better through witchcraft if you’ve had physical contact with her neighbors. …Wow! She really got under your skin! If you exist.”

“Why?” asks Hungary.

“I know why!” says Tsar Putin. “It’s a global problem.”

“Yes. But we need to calm things down.” says JD Vance.

“WHAT!?” yells Tim Walz.

“I’m talking to Tsar Putin.” says JD Vance.

Tim looks confused.

“Anyway! …Of course they’re following her. …They’re peasant buffoons.” says Hungary.

“We don’t know why. She’s perfectly fine talking to people of all perspectives in Great Britain. Or as fine as us.” says the BBC. “She’s very amiable.”

Piers Morgan scoffs. “What exactly are you expecting her to do?”

A BBC commentator looks empathetic for Lacey. “I think she’s just more serious and reserved than most of you.”

“But it’s so stuffy!” says Tim Walz.

“Do you like living on Summit Avenue?” says Lacey to Tim Walz.

“He’s probably barely ever there.” says Jesse Ventura.

“I hate that too.” says Arne Carlson to Lacey.

“It’s not as big as some people’s houses. But it is a mansion, I suppose.” says Nils Nesheim.

“It’s not his house.” says Lacey.

“No.” says Tom Banks.

“Look! Maybe I don’t understand the American class system all that well.” says Tim Walz.

Piers Morgan claps condescendingly to cheer him on. “Good for you!” he says. “Old sport!”

“But…Diego is still really hurt.” says Tim.

Casi laughs. “Why is Diego hurt?”

“Because he still feels like he wasn’t…given the proper amount of respect by Lacey.” says Tim.

“Ha! That was me. Not Lacey!” says JFK, laughing from 2015. “Oh my gosh! You guys are so gullible.”

“So she’s actually you reincarnated?!?” says a liberal woman from Minnesota.

“Lacey! How does your mother know Lois Schurke?” asks Lacey’s neighbor.

“They went to the same church.” says Lacey. “When my mom first moved to Minneapolis in the 1970’s.”

“That’s close enough.” says Lois’s daughter.

“So they were actually real friends?” says get neighbor.

“Yes! We were very close.” says Lois. “She was in my obituary!!”

“We didn’t know Tim that well. We knew him…but not like that.” says Lacey’s neighbor.

“Nice!” says Tim Walz, shaking his head. “THANKS!”

“Anyway!” says Putin.

“No. It’s just…Diego was so sad.” says Tim Walz.

“What was he sad about?” says a Southerner.

“He was sad about her not being nicer. But I guess that’s because he was talking to JFK?” says Tim Walz.

“Oh my GOD!” says Caroline Kennedy. “That’s not my dad. My dad was a real charmer.”

“You knew him?” says Tim Walz.

“I mean he was my dad!” says Caroline, throwing back her hair.

“He died when you were really young.” says someone.

Caroline looks extremely offended.

“Yeah. Smart. Let’s bring up our trauma!” says Joe I. condescendingly.

“Geez!” says Caroline, as if they’re all absolute fucking idiots.

“What did JFK say to Diego?” asks a Mexican man.

“You cannot be serious!” says Chris Hayes. “Diego was really good at reading people! I cannot imagine him ever making a mistake like that!”

“What did he say to Diego?” says Piers Morgan.

“I’m curious too.” says Hamas.

“He just said…something…like, ‘Eww! You’re not a big deal, really. Eww!’” says Chris Hayes. “He often read her…as very…very condescending.”

“Huh. I don’t necessarily believe you. …But thanks for FINALLY SHARING THAT.” says Piers Morgan, in exasperation.

Hamas laughs. “That wasn’t her.”

“No. It wasn’t.” says Lacey.

Chris looks terrified.

“Is this real? Is he really terrified? I can’t tell either.” says Piers Morgan.

“Yes. This is why so many of us gave up on communicating telepathically over the years. …We could sort of read each other. But not well enough to have safe conversations.” says Queen Elizabeth II. “We relied too much on demons and were forced to quit as Christians who knew better, possibly. …It’s quite difficult to speak telepathically. Even with training.”

“Yes!” says Piers Morgan.

“He was talking to her. He had to have been talking to her.” says Chris.

“Why!?” says Piers.

“Because that’s who- …So that’s not even her!?!?” he says, in shock.

“Just chalk it up to experience. Right?” says a perfume collector to Chris, condescendingly.

“No. It’s her slightly. But since she’s barely been loved a lot of us are able to attack her more. So we might confuse you. Right? Because…that’s her…but mostly us. …Diego had many conversations with me.” says JFK in 2015.

Tim Walz glares at JFK.

Chris looks worried.

“Diego thought that was her.” says Chris.

“Who killed Diego?” asks Israel.

“Hamas.” says Iran. “We did.”

“That’s one killing we’d condone.” says Israel.

Tim Walz looks troubled by something.

“What was bothering Diego?” asks Louis.

“Oh! He…felt…class injustice was at an all time high. And he asked me to help him. Ease his suffering on the astral plane. You know? …And I decided to help him out. Do whatever I could think of.” says Tim.

“So insulting her was too tempting!” says Piers Morgan. “So last night you succumbed to temptation and insulted her.”

“Yeah.” he says. “It’s a pride thing. I don’t like the thought of farmers richer than us.”

“That’s honest. …I’d like to add that you’re overconfident about the debates.” says JD Vance.

“I’m gonna win.” says Tim Walz.

“Not necessarily.” says JD.

“Why didn’t you pick me?” says Pete.

Lots of people look uneasy.

“He’d have been scarier.” says JD.

“So Jack insulted you?” says Piers.

“Yeah. He insulted Diego and lots of people.” says Chris.

“Why did you assume it was her?” says Piers.

“Because it seemed comforting to think he was Lacey. …If he’s Lacey…then she’s an absolutely bitch. And that’s a much better thought than thinking she’s actually suffering and lonely. …I don’t want to help her!” says a professor at Messiah University.

“Why?” asks Ruth who was a classmate of Lacey’s.

“Because! She’s so needy!” he says.

“Wow! How?” says Ruth.

He thinks. “I don’t know. I just assumed she was?”

“Yeah. Does she actually seem needy?” says Ruth.

“No. Not in reality.” says Bobby Kennedy Senior.

“So she wouldn’t have fallen apart and needed my help?” he says.

“NO! Never.” says Lem.

“Dammit! I liked that idea too.” he says.

“No! We have to be better people than this!” says Tim Walz.

“You’re not. I’m sorry.” says Paul Wellstone.

“Yeah. I tricked all liberal men into treating her like shit!” says JFK, high-fiving himself.

“Except for Brits.” says Piers Morgan.

JFK shrugs. Eats cucumbers. “So!?” he says.

“Were you gay??” says Tim Walz to JFK.

“Yeah. In a way. I mean…DUH!” says JFK. “It’s so fucking obvious. Look at my unguarded photos. I’m so fucking gay! …Except I did like women. But…yeah. DUH?”

“So the JFK we imagined was just a facade.” says a man.

“Mmm. Kinda. Yeah. …Should I put on the act for you again? I mean…” says JFK.

“Why do you hate Lacey so much?” says Chris Hayes.

“We’ve slept together. You and I. If there’s an Illuminati. …Did you know that!?” says JFK.

“Wow!

So…cool.” says Chris.

“Yeah.” says JFK.

“Why do we hate Lacey?” says Chris.

“Why do we care??” says JFK.

“Yeah. Well…” says Chris.

JFK crunches his cucumbers.

“He hates her over Lem.” says NBC.

“Yup.” says JFK. “Good catch!”

“Why did you attack me?” says Chris. “And Diego.”

“Like what!? I did not.” says JFK.

“How old are you right now?” asks a reader of JFK.

“I’m stuck at 17. Developmentally.

So…because I’m dead…and in Purgatory…I’m stuck. Like…I can’t progress past 17. For now.” says JFK.

“But you look what age?” asks Chris.

“20?” says JFK.

“Are you hot?” says Chris.

“Yeah!!!” says JFK, offended.

“So you’re not really ready to process it. But you all were tricked by a gay-sorta JFK…who’s obsessed with haunting Lacey Banks. Because he’s so sure Lem will love him in reality if he torments her enough. Or…he’s just too evil and hateful to care. He’s a sadistic weirdo. So…you were tricked. By a poltergeist.” says Al Jazeera.

“Makes sense!” says Jon Stewart.

Awkward silence.

“Poor Diego.” says Tim Walz.

“So…what did JFK say to Diego?” says Jon Stewart.

“Just…tons of insults.” says Chris. He shrugs.

JFK finishes his cucumber.

“Dude. Why didn’t you choose to let them live together and then you could have been born in 1983.” says a gay living man to JFK.

JFK pauses from eating more cucumbers. With chopsticks. Covered in dill and onion and dressing and fake crab. In a plastic container. And sesame seeds. And msg.

“What if…I didn’t have a choice!?” says JFK.

Piers Morgan laughs. So does Lacey. (At him.)

JFK joins them. “I mean…”

“You were gay.” says a gay perfume collector to Jack.

“No! I wasn’t.” says JFK, livid.

“He’s joking!” says Dmitry.

“That’s not a funny joke!” says JFK, fuming.

“Sorry.” says Dmitry.

JFK goes back to eating cucumbers.

“That looks good.” says Lacey sincerely.

“The msg makes it easier to enjoy. I’m not going to lie to you.” says JFK.

“What’s added msg like on cucumbers?” asks Lacey.

JFK is enthralled. He hates her. But he also secretly enjoys her.

“Mmm. Yeah. Well…” he says. He gives her some.

“Yikes.” says Lacey.

“See! I like that!” says JFK.

“It tastes like Doritos.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. But it’s like…naughty.” says JFK. “Like naughty healthy food.”

Lacey thinks. “That’s a bit pointless. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“I love it.” says JFK.

“So…why do you hate me?” asks Chris Hayes of JFK.

“I actually…find you attractive. I’m sorry. Whether it’s allowed in Heaven or not…I do. …I just…had to find a way…to use you. And I did. …You hear me. Like…really well. Better than most people do. So…it wasn’t personal.” says JFK. “Ha! Sorry!”

“But it affected him.” says a reader.

“That’s unfortunate.” says JFK, shrugging.

“I’m a big deal.” says Chris to JFK.

“Ha! …Not like me.” says JFK.

“We’re not that far apart!” says Chris.

“Oh my God! You really think that! Wow! Awww. …No. That’s impossible. …You’re rubbish compared to me.” says JFK.

Chris reads Lacey accidentally trying to escape from JFK’s insult.

The Illuminati pulls at her. To avoid feeling hurt.

“What do you think about what he just said?” says Tim Walz to Lacey, shrewdly,

“I’m sorry. I’m still thinking about cucumbers. He’s copying a viral Instagram recipe. This guy who’s gay goes around making cucumber salads. And I’ve been watching them and craving cucumber. …I’m even tempted to eat msg. But I don’t think I should.

…It’s really hard for me to focus on anything else. Sorry.

*Lacey thinks*

I love cucumbers and raw red onion. It’s scary.” she says. She tries to force herself to think. “Umm he’s right. JFK is right. But…it’s not as if Chris hasn’t accomplished anything.”

“What has he accomplished?” asks Joy.

“A successful career!” says Lacey. “And he’s famous. And very well-off.”

“Wow. So…you’re at a 2.” says Tim Walz. “Emotionally. Like a 2.”

“Out of 10?” says Lem.

“Yes.” says Tim.

“She’s at a 3.” says Lem.

“What’s Jack at?” asks Tim.

“An eight.” says JFK.

“Why!?” yells Chris.

“He’s…mad? He’s just mad a lot?” says Scott Fitzgerald.

“Scott…where’d she have lived?” says Tim.

“How about near you?” says Josh.

“We ruined that.” says Tim.

“Yup!” says Jim.

“If we exist.” says Tim.

“So you’re tormenting a totally innocent person who’s only mistake really was thinking Chris Hayes was Michael Rockefeller.” says the CIA. “In her spirit.”

“SHIT!” says Tim Walz.

“I’m confused. Why do you care? Why do you care they we’re lying?” says a perfume collector to Lacey.

“Because it’s just…corrosive. But…I didn’t care that much. I suppose. It was when you all came for me…like I was worse than any of you…that I lost it.” says Lacey.

“I get it.” says an Old Money reader.

“But you are confusing.” says a gay chef.

“Mmm. Yeah? …But not…really.” says Lacey.

“I agree.” says her cousin who voted in the Electoral College.

“I mean our neighborhood isn’t great. So that’s confusing. But it’s also not that bad.” says her neighbor.

“Yeah!” says Lacey.

“And we have nice houses.” he says.

Lacey eats onions and cheese and ham and ranch dressing on a wrap.

“So anyway…” says someone after realizing she’s silently just eating.

She waits. As always in silence.

“Sweetie. You should say something!” says an Old Money woman to Lacey.

“There’s nothing I’d like to say.” says Lacey.

“Well we’re sorry.” says Tim.

Lacey gets offended. “You’re sorry!?” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Tim.

“Oh! Good for you!” says Lacey.

Chris laughs. Covers his mouth.

“Yeah. I do live in the Governor’s Mansion sometimes.” says Tim.

“It’s really very pretty.” says Lacey.

“It is!” he says.

“I’m glad we’ve kept that.” she says.

“Do you think you’re better than other people?” asks Tim.

“It depends. That’s a rather absurd question.” says Lacey.

“I just mean in a simple way. Like…in a colloquial way.” he says.

“Oof! That’s still an absurd question. I’m sorry. I can’t answer it.” says Lacey.

“Okay. Do…you think…you’re better…by virtue of just being you. Nothing else.” says Tim.

“NO! That’s absurd!” says Lacey.

“Then why are we angry at her!??” Tim Walz says to Chris.

Kamala nods. “This is why I picked him!” she says.

“He’s not out of the clear yet. And if we didn’t exist you’d be in far more trouble.” says Donald Trump.

“Mmkay. So basically…you’re all super excited to be in the Illuminati. Or most of you are, because you’re all mostly new money. …That being said…you often have no idea what you’re doing. …And a lot of you think you have psychic abilities you probably don’t really have. …So…more than one of you have made ghastly mistakes…and in the last ten years you all clusterfucked to get at her…when in reality you were being pranked by a very sadistic, albeit fun-loving, malignant narcissist named JFK. The famous dead US President. …She’s…so meek and calm…and quiet…and sweet…and…I highly doubt…she at all…deserved what you’ve done to her. …Think Helena Bonham Carter character mixed with a sexy Norwegian stewardess.” says Norway.

“Helena is sexy!” says Piers.

“True!” says Norway. “But in a different way.”

Later.

“Why do I do dislike Rachel Parcell?” says Lacey to Lem. “Is it because I look better than her naturally…but I never get any damn credit for it? …And her husband looks like you…but everyone thinking you’re a fucking homosexual.” says Lacey.

“You’re prettier than me. In person. Like much prettier.” says Rachel in the afterlife. “And yeah. I was trying to look like you. Almost to a creepy degree. You and your cousin Linn.”

“I weigh 157 lbs in that photo. I’m sick. And I’m not photogenic. And I’m 40. No plastic surgery at all. …Those are real high-cheekbones.”

“She’s a two!” says a hateful reader.

“No. She’s not. She’s extremely beautiful.” says Rachel.

“No. She’s actually a genuinely rare beauty. But she doesn’t photograph well. …I mean. Yeah. …She’s got this like…Egyptian-British-Norwegian thing going on. Whether there’s reincarnation or not.” says Rachel in the afterlife.

“So…how did you end-up accidentally channeling her?” asks a reader.

“Umm. …If there’s an Illuminati that’s partially how. …I think I related to her sense of things. …I have a tall husband. And we look a little alike. And I loved being famous on Instagram. …But…yeah. She’s Old Money. We’re not. And she’s prettier than me…by a lot…naturally.” says Rachel.

“So you’re her showy, fake, New Money copycat.” says one of Rachel’s haters.

“Yup!” says Rachel in the afterlife.

“I dislike you less now.” says Lacey.

“I’m not happy. If it helps.” says Rachel. “At the time I’m writing this, I’m not happy.”

“No. …I’m just mad because I feel rejected by all of the living human race in 2024 over the age of 20 and under the age of 90.” says Lacey. “That’s all.”

“And why isn’t it flattering I wanted to look like you?” says Rachel.

Lacey thinks. “Because! I was never loved. …No man has ever celebrated my beauty. Not really. …And my only real hope right now…as I age…and watch the date of my death approaching…is that I’ll be happier when I die in that regard. …That’s absolute shit! …That’s disgusting. …And I’m mad. Because it’s totally unjust. …In this shitty world where people are often suffering…there’s some comfort in thinking that there’s at least a sort of logic to everything. …And so my beauty…and intelligence…and kindness were supposed to mean something. Or so I thought. I was supposed to find love. …And I think it’s just infuriating to me that it’s not working out. Because it’s so damn illogical and dysfunctional.” says Lacey.

“Lem is dead.” says Rachel. “I mean you were screwed over. …My husband and I are proof to me…that you were screwed over. Because men like him would find you attractive now…but not as much as they would have in the past. You’re too…tiny. And curvy. …I’m not as curvy as you. For real. …Or as tiny. …And…he actually prefers me. But…then what the fuck are you supposed to do? Like…you’re genetically superior. …But…I’m what he preferred. …So…I can’t believe God would have allowed that…but He did. And…I’m sorry.” she says, crying.

“I’m not even sure if I dislike you. I think I’m mad that things are so disgusting.” says Lacey.

“And I seem conceited.” she says.

“Yes. But…it’s mainly the injustice that makes me angry.” says Lacey.

“SHIT!” says Rachel from the afterlife. “What if I’m actually saying this to you from the future?”

“Yup.” says Lem.

“There’s nothing I can do to help you.” says Rachel. “You’re stuck.”

“Living in a nightmare.” says Lacey.

“See…my husband and my circle thinks I look better skinny. …And I’m paranoid. And I look good with more defined features. …But your legal husband felt the opposite?” says Rachel.

“Yes. …He did.” says Lacey.

“But you used to be naturally skinny.” says Rachel.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“SHIT!” says Rachel. “I truly can’t save you.”

“No. …I’ll manage. I’m just…baffled.” says Lacey.

“Because you’ve had so much stolen from you already in life.” says Rachel.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “It’s just…vile.”

“It is.” says Katharine Hepburn.

“Your generation had higher cheekbones.” says Rachel.

“We did.” says Lacey’s grandmother-who-raised her.

“High cheekbones and wide hips.” says Ingrid Bergman. “Like Lacey. With a small waist. Like her. …Yeah. And we actually were smaller boned too.”

“Who’s giving me you?” asks Rachel. “For real!!”

“That’s an excellent question!” says Lacey. Lacey thinks. “The Kennedys. Demons. The Illuminati if they exist. …Deep hatreds.”

“I feel evil. Actually. …But I had no idea I was actually…attacking you. On a spiritual level. No idea. …I was inspired.”

“Sounds about right!” says Lacey.

“I can’t undo what I did.” says Rachel. “And I don’t think I find out for…a while.”

“I’m just not sure how I’m expected to live with this.” says Laceyz

“What!?!” says a demon that works with the Democratic Party.

Rachel nods. “Yeah. It’s too much.”

“It’s becoming physically impossible.” says Lem. “She’s going to have a nervous collapse. And have a seizure or a stroke or a heart attack or an ulcer. …And die. …And then her kids will die. AND THEN YOU WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN?” says Lem.

Rachel nods. “Yeah. It went too far.”

“She’s not cool with being copied.” says a reader to Rachel.

“GEE! Ya think!?!” says Rachel. “And don’t you find my name a little creepy too?? Rachel Ward? Brown eyes? All that shit. …IT’S SATANIC.”

“We don’t accept that.” says a demon.

“You don’t accept that when she dies…you’re in serious trouble!?!?” yells Lem. “I’M REAL!!! And YOU KNOW THAT!!!”

“We’re demons. We cause problems.” says a demon.

“Are you dumb!?!” yells Lem.

“No. …It’s just that…we were sad.” says Kick.

“Oh my word!!!! YOU ALL ACTUALLY CAUSED THIS!??” yells Rachel at Kick.

A random reader nods. “They’re terrible people.” he says, eating a cucumber.

“I try to separate them. I’m a psychic reading her blog. And I feel bad. So I’ve tried to do something. But…they’re deeply entrenched. It’s sick.” she says.

“But what will happen when they’re all dead!?” says Rachel.

“We try to avoid that.” says JFK.

“To be able to keep torturing her!??” yells Rachel.

“Yeah! Duh.” says JFK, like Rachel is stupid.

“WHY…were you ever born!?” says Rachel to JFK.

Rose slaps her while crying. She stabs Rose in the gut. Jack pukes blood. And wails uncontrollably as he’s been doing terrible things and has lost control of his own voice for now. Well…now in 2019.

“Yeah. I had to go back in time.” says Rachel.

“So…if I wasn’t channeling your actual soul…accidentally…what would you have thought of me?” says Rachel.

Lacey thinks. “You seem materialistic. Possibly kind. …Possibly intelligent. …Competitive. …And normal.” says Lacey. “At least somewhat.”

“BINGO!” says Rachel. “When I die…I’m going to find out that this is real. …If it is. And believe me…I’m mad. Because I have gotten so much hate…and I know…it’s because I’m accidentally channeling you. You really aren’t ever captured well on camera. I am. And my look is what you look like in person. …Except prettier. And honestly…it’s bringing me down. People are hating on me because of it. …If I was being myself…and not spiritually channeling you…by accident…people wouldn’t have hated me as much. For real! You’d be surprised. …And that’s because I’d make more sense. Because I’m very of the moment. You’re not. …And people can figure out why they hate me…but they do. And it’s not just that I’m insecure and…conceited. I’m…scaring people. And they have no idea why. But I am.

I think a lot of people are accounting channeling you. And a lot of people will be shocked when they die and find out why they were so…hated. Because it’s creepy. But it’s real. And I’m sorry. It seems kind of like I’m stalking you. But you know I’m not. …It’s all spiritual.” says Rachel.

“So do you feel led to be like her or be her?” asks a woman.

“Oh! I’m trying to be her. But it’s entirely unwittingly so. I’m not aware of what I’m doing.” says Rachel from the future.

“How do you not know you’re channeling someone else?” asks the woman.

“Because I feel like I’m acting. And leveling-up. Like…she’s this…long-dead…aristocratic…Old Money…brown-eyed woman. Who’s smart. And clever. And dark and mysterious. …But long dead.” says Rachel.

“But she’s not dead. That way.” says a woman.

“Nope.” says Rachel. “Nope.”

“Who or what specifically targeted you?” asks a psychic.

“If there’s an Illuminati they did. They were amused that she was copied. So they exacerbated it. To sadistically attack her. Like…manifesting it.

Demons. I was influenced by the demonic.” says Rachel. “Whether I’m into the demonic or not. They also attacked her cousins.”

“So!?” says Jack.

“They killed themselves.” says Rachel.

“I don’t care!!” says JFK.

“We have very little real natural empathy.” says Kick laughing.

“Why don’t you just fix that!?” yells a dead man.

“No!!! We aren’t ready to concede that yet.” says JFK.

“Why…aren’t you all suffering more?” asks a psychic.

“We’re living off people’s money, so to speak. Maeve. Bobby Jr.. Saoirse. Lacey. I used to eat off David, my nephew. …Demons let us do that. It’s easier than admitting shit.

And to be honest…people are better off dead a lot of the time anyway. If Lacey dies…I’m in deep shit though. But…mostly I don’t care if people die. It’s cool.” says JFK.

“So…what happens when she dies?” asks a psychic.

“I’ll face the wrath of God. Without anything to distract me. …Satan hates Lacey…so…he’s used me to attack her her whole life. …And God loves both of us. …And so…if I’m not in Hell it’s been a sweet deal. Right? But…Satan won’t be able to use me as much when she’s dead. So…I’ll be in for it.” says JFK.

“Alright. Well…that’s bad. Goodnight!” says Lem. “Lacey and I are done.”

“Sorry Rachel if I was inappropriate in not appreciating you more.” says Lacey.

“We wish you well.” says Lem.