“I’m Confused” by Lem

(August 17th, 2024)

How…do you…reconcile the fact that Lacey always knows when men are gay with your insistence that she’s wrong about me? …I seem straight to her. And that’s far from stupid. Because I was straight. If you’re a gay man…you’re going to seem gay to her. Stop kidding yourself.

I saw two gay men today who I highly suspect think they have to “out themselves” to people. One even said so. He claimed that that was why he painted his fingernails. …To “out himself.” …But with Lacey…there’s absolutely no need to because she always knows. She might have lied to herself about it in the past but she knows. …And I can’t believe she’s the only person to ever live who can tell.

I think…Lacey struggles to accept that she knows something you don’t. Because she hates that kind of privilege, believe it or not. And…most gay men don’t think they f B seem as gay as they actually do. …I think those are two huge problems for me right now.

Jack Kennedy seemed gay. Lacey thought so the first time she saw him. I did not. I’m sorry but gay men seem gay. Bisexual men seem…bisexual. Maybe sort of gay and sort of straight. But that becomes bisexual.

“Chris. Why are we attacking them?” says a witch.

“Do I really seem inherently gay!?” says a man who’s possibly mostly gay and very slightly attracted to women.

“YES!” says Lacey.

“So…you can always tell?!?” says a gay man who thinks he seems straight.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“She can.” says Jan. “She really can.” He laughs.

“Does it come from being raised by a gay father?” asks a gay man.

“Yes. Partially.” says Lucille Ball.

“DUH!” says a gay man.

“You watched us. And now you can tell.” says another gay man.

“Dear God we’re dumb.” says another gay man.

“Yah. So Chris…why did you all attack her?” says a woman.

“Lem you seriously faked it!?” says a gay man.

“Yeah!” says Lem.

“You were just that honorable. And…you really thought you were.” says another gay man.

“We’re a lonely community now. …A lot of us are sick of each other. So don’t think…we’re all living it up while you and Lem are miserable being separated.

Lem…what are the differences between you and the Lem we invented?” says one the previous gay men.

Lem thinks.

Should I make a list?

“Yeah!” he says.

1. I’m not so twee. The Lem you invented was very…girly. I’m not really that effeminate. …I did get into decorating…but…as a straight guy who only thought he was gay who was good at art. So…I was good, maybe. But…it was nothing a straight guy who was into art couldn’t have done if he’d made himself try. Over years. And that’s just an example. I was really far more manly than I acted. And I mean…straight-guy manly. The media calls it “raffish” but it was actually just straight, smoky…masculinity. I was actually a very sloppy man at times. And clumsy too, albeit more athletic than I think you think I was.
2. I was athletic. I really was. Not like some people. But I wasn’t…opposed to sports. They bored me at times. But I actually did like them on occasion. Especially rowing.
3. I was attracted to women. …So…at any given moment you see me…I wasn’t lusting after Jack. Regardless how he posed us. Or my gay act. …It’s far more likely I was thinking of women.
4. I…wasn’t cute. I’m a loving man. But I’m not the “cute gay” you think. I’m nice but I’m not….a cute straight man either.
5. You think I’m funny. …I am. But not that funny. My sense of humor actually isn’t as good as Lacey’s. I love laughing. But I’m just not as funny as people have said.
6. I’m brighter than you think. I graduated from Princeton and Harvard. And I was academically inclined.
7. I’m a huge man. They describe me as ursine…but also stout. I was…tall. …And there’s something about that…that’s lied about to make me seem more homosexual. …I was fat on occasion. Food was my drug at times before I used drugs…because even before Jack died I was actually genuinely lonely. Not “lonely” but…actually lonely. And I ate too many fried foods. …I preferred diners to my own cooking oftentimes.
8. Again, I’m not as girly as you think. …Lacey is naturally extremely girly. And she’s straight. So…tea cups. Tea sets. Floral wallpaper. …Perfume. Handbags. …Lots of feminine things. And I find that very attractive…but she’s been surprised on occasion…more in the past than now…by how little I know or how little I enjoy it with her. I can appreciate it. Genuinely appreciate it. I cultivated that when I thought I was gay. But…it’s different for her. …No. Jackie wasn’t as…overwhelmed with awe by Royal Crown Derby as Lacey, we’ll say. You think she had great taste, and yes…she did have good taste. But…Lacey is far more feminine in her tastes and interests than any woman Jack dated ever. And possibly anyone any of those men dated. Queen Elizabeth was as feminine as Lacey. It’s not as if those women don’t exist. Marilyn Monroe was…almost as feminine as then if not as feminine. But…a lot of movie stars were slightly more masculine than many housewives of the past…so don’t expect me to produce more examples.
9. I grew-up wealthy. …I’m not a prick. But…I grew-up very privileged. My family lost our fortune. But for most of my childhood we had more money than you think.
10. I was religious. And I was deep. …In order to explain my straight masculinity, my ambivalence, and my decision to let Bobby use heroin…and even encourage it…people have called me raffish. …Sort of…an atheist zealot even maybe. But in reality…in my heart…I was far from an atheist. I was…angry. Extremely angry at God. I had a lot of anger. …But as dark as I was…I wasn’t a shallow person. And I did believe. Or want to believe in God. I’m a lot less shallow and silly than you think.
11. I didn’t care about Jack’s sleeping around the way a man who was attracted to men would have. I was…uninvested in his foibles to some degree. …I was…hurt…slightly…because it was a personal attack or rejection of me. Even if I wasn’t into him he thought I was. So…the thought still counted, so to speak. It was still mean-hearted on his part because he genuinely thought I truly cared somehow. But…I was never even remotely as hurt as I should have been. So…I think that alters my personality. …People described me as moody. No!! I’m not moody. …I’m cantankerous. I’m…difficult. I’m grumpy at times. …Kind of like the characters in Grumpy Old Men. …But I’m not moody. Lacey would never describe me as moody. Dark? Brooding? Yes. But not moody. …That “moodiness” was my…sex-starved, extremely depressed, bitter straight man coming out as I aged.
12. I was…heartfelt. I was a very innocent person in many ways. I was…raised privileged. And I knew the ways of the world, so to speak. But I was a very…sincere, heartfelt person. …So much so it terrifies Lacey to even consider it. Thankfully I didn’t constantly get stepped on because a lot of people were that way back then. A lot of the smiles you think are about Jack…are me being genuine…and optimistic. And acting gay. Not me being in love and gay.
13. I wasn’t as happy as I seem. I tried to make myself happy. I wanted to be a nice, likable person to be around. But in reality…I hid a lot of pain. …That being said, again, I couldn’t have hid the pain I would have felt at Jack’s wedding if I wasn’t straight…but I wasn’t as happy as I seemed.
14. I was dorky. Not really dorky. But kinda dorky. I think…sometimes you think I was gay when really I was just nerdy. or a straight nerd acting gay. Very convincingly at times.
15. …I was always angry. If you look at the footage of me watching Jackie waterski…I seem gay…kinda…but then I seem…angry. Out of nowhere. At the very end. My face drops at the end. And I go from seeming very cheerful and carefree and jolly…like a gay Easter Bunny…to seeming totally…pissed-off. It’s so quick it’s easy to miss. …And it’s just as I’m looking off and to the right. …Not necessarily sad. Sadness is much harder to hide. Angry. And I was sad too. But more angry. …Okay maybe some people can detect anger…but…it’s easier in general to hide because when you’re sad…your eyes change. Anger can be mistaken as sexual desire. Or humor… Sadness…is just harder to hide. …I…was angry. So…why? Because Jack…was really irritating. And I hated my life. And I never was having sex. I was being touched by men at times…but…that was actually gross to me. So…my only really outlets were…extremely frustrating…if there’s no reincarnation. Ha! And…that all made me secretly extremely angry….all…of…the time. …I’m a very mellow person. By nature, even if I’m dark and brooding. A phlegmatic/melancholic…with a secret sharp edge. …My huge, open-mouthed, flamingly-gay laughs were sometimes attempts to hide my rage and hatred of Jack.
16. Honestly…I’m just a lot more like Sidney Pollack than you think. A lot. I’m not Sidney Pollack. But…if you’re looking for what I looked like when I was without my gay mask? Think of him. He’s an excellent example of a man who’s vibe is like mine. …We’re not twins. But we’re similar. …Would you describe him as raffish? No. And yet…he can play roles you might stretch and call raffish if you wanted to for some reason. …Imagine him laughing like I did to hide rage. He might have done it even as a straight man acting straight. But I bet he’d have especially done it if he was acting gay. …And you know he could have convincingly acted gay.
17. I’m great at lying. But I’m not a liar. I am…sensitive though. And I did try to not upset people far too much for my own good.

Here’s an interesting question: Why doesn’t Lacys think you’re all crazy? She knows me. Why did she take Casi to heart when she wasn’t taking her to heart? Because she cares. Do you all know that or not? And…because she’s stuck in a weirdly parental relationship with most living people.

“I can sense that.” says a woman.

“Like for real parental!?” says Casi.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Mom…we might not know what we’re talking about.” says a gay man to Lacey.

She’s actually slightly shocked.

“No! Really!!!” says another gay man.

“Yeah. We’re smart. Huh!? …But for real…we might actually be wrong.” says yet another gay man.

Later.

“Are you listening to the arguments he’s making on this blog?” asks a gay man of Lacey.

“Not the way you are.” says Lacey.

“So you’re like his secretary? You’re just writing what you hear!??” says the man.

“Yes. In a way.” says Lacey.

“You have to be kidding me!!” yells Diego, enraged.

“Why?” sincerely says Lacey.

“Lacey’s he’s made really good arguments.” says the gay man.

“Has he?” says Lacey.

“Yeah!” says an actress.

“What!?” says Lacey.

“Umm…so…when you have sex with him…you’re sure it’s him?” says a young gay man.

“As sure as I can be.” says Lacey.

“And it’s like…different than your imagination or…anything like that?” he says.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Wow!!” he says. “So…theoretically you’ve slept with some of the most famous men in history.”

“She has.” says Ginger Rogers.

“And you can like…actually describe them.” he says.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

He laughs. “What’s Lem like compared to them?” he says.

“He’s…Lem.” says Lacey.

“Is he how we describe him?” says a gay man.

“Yes and very much no.” says Lacey.

“How’s the no?” says someone.

(Adult content below)

“He’s…sensitive…and normal. Like…he’d never have been happy in an open relationship. Of any sort. And…he’s not…different. I don’t know how to quickly explain it. …It’s like…he’s…so…not…quirky? Umm…Micheal is extremely passionate. Very…intense. And I love that about him. I think it’s due to his high intelligence and depth as a person. Louis is…very romantic. Exceptionally romantic. …Very thoughtful. Unusually thoughtful. …Harold is… Harold loses himself in wild…desire, we’ll say. Elliott is…a genius. Truly. …Joe…Junior puts on a show. Bless his heart. But…I think if he actually loved you…you’d be very happy. …Lem…is…Lem. He’s not…different, per se. He’s him. And…I don’t want to be with anyone else. But…fortunately, from a bad situation, I did learn how different people can be. I had only been with really two men…three in a way. I married at 27.” says Lacey.

“That’s scary. …Because I think it’s real. I’m a gay psychic.” he says. “Umm…how is Elliott a genius?”

“He studies you. Lem might too. But Elliott…is rather unusual to begin with…in that way. In his brain. He was an excellent pilot. …And…to be honest…I think he analyzes women the way he figures out planes. It’s…brilliant. I can’t think of a more clinical way to describe it. …Because I think it’s worth noting. It’s part of who he was. And is. He’s just…the epitome of all the good things you’ve heard about with so-called experienced men.” says Lacey.

“But he wasn’t the man who touched you in England?” he says.

“No. Thank you for pointing that out.” says Lacey.

“Elliott was hot when he was young.” says a woman.

“He was! He was a very handsome man!” says Lacey.

“Is he your type?” says a woman.

“Yes. …But Lem is perfection.” says Lacey.

Lem smiles.

“What was Joe Kennedy Senior like in bed?” asks the gay man.

“He’s very… So…one reason why I knew I couldn’t trust him is because…he knows how to have sex. But…he doesn’t really know. So…Elliott…and Harold…think during sex. I could tell they were thinking. Possibly from experience. You know? Referring to memory and figuring out what to do… But they also meant it. So…they felt present. Yes. I can sense and somewhat feel all that. …But Joe…maybe doesn’t feel as present? Or like he means it as much? …And one way I figured that out was in how Janet described her sex with him as ‘ecstasy and chocolate cake.’ …He does…know sex…and mind you my legal husband slept with 28 women. So he’s fairly experienced. And…anyway… He does know sex. Joe Senior. But…it’s…distant. And maybe to Janet it wasn’t or he loved her? I don’t know. Maybe she was shockingly less experienced than me. …And never really thought it though honestly afterwards? Or maybe lacked experience with experienced men? Or…he was different.” says Lacey.

“So he was difficult?” says a gay man.

“No. Difficult?” says Lacey.

Lem laughs.

“Yeah. Like…bad?” he says.

“Mm… Yup. He was bad. By my standards. Kinda. But what do you mean?” says Lacey.

“He was…cold?” he says.

“No! And yet yes?” says Lacey.

“What do you mean by cold!?” says Louis.

“Like…he was… You had to help him?” he says.

“No. He was…distant. So…do you want a more graphic picture?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says a gay man.

(Second adult content warning)

“So…I’d be laying there…and he was on top of me. And he’d stop. And start again. -“ says Lacey.

“Oh my god…this is real.” says a gay man.

“No. He’d think. Like…rearrange himself. Thinking. And…he knew how to make you orgasm. But…it wasn’t a very…satisfying thing. Like…orgasms are part of good sex. So…they’re not as mysterious as they seem. If you know what’s going on. But…he could produce orgasms…yeah. But they weren’t…good. Like…they’re supposed to be. They were more…just…like getting drunk. Or…something pleasant. Not…the profound union of two people in love and eternal ecstasy they’re supposed to be. …You can make orgasms if you know what you’re doing…but…making them as they should be is different.

I suspect Janet…was…not given the profound ecstasy she says. Although I could be wrong. But…I’d bet she thinks it was, to be brutally honest. Because it is…an orgasm. But it’s not…that great.” says Lacey.

A gay man laughs.

“So who was the best?” he says.

“In what way?” says Lacey.

“Poor Joe.” says Gloria Swanson.

“Does what she’s saying add up?” says a gay man.

“He was more tender with me. Maybe. …No! I think he was. …Yeah. He was…as described.” says Gloria.

“So he’s…in his head?” says the man.

“Maybe.” says Gloria.

“I think he’s lying. So he can’t give himself away and truly make love.” says Lacey.

Gloria laughs.

“Well. It’s sad. Poor thing.” says Lacey.

“Do you regret that, Lacey?” says a reader.

“Yes. But oh well.” says Lacey.

“What if she’s more experienced than Janet? And she’s hot?” says Lem.

“No. She’s right. …Janet is less experienced.” says Joe. “I’m sorry. Lacey is that hot. …But she doesn’t even know that. That’s not how she’s thinking of this at all. …And I have to say that because I love this topic. …Yes…I’m being…insulted in a way. But…I love the topic of sex. And…it’s sad. Can’t you just talk about it!?

I…could get Janet off. Okay? And she’d lose herself in happiness. …She was young. We were in love. And I couldn’t medically have more kids, possibly. Okay? So…she really…lost herself. …I was rich. Extremely rich. And she found me handsome too. …And yes. For her…I was…extraordinary. Just…wow.

Lacey…is different. Janet was a…7. At her best she was a 7. And so…yeah. She was…attractive. …But…Lacey is a 10. She’s literally breathtaking. Or can be. …And…she’s more intelligent than Janet. As much as Janet was actually very intelligent too. And she’s older. Janet was 24. Lacey was 37 or so. Lacey had been married…and slept with Elliott. So…

But…I’ll stop there.” says Joe.

“We’re guessing you were more turned on by Lacey?” says a woman.

“Yeah.” says Joe. “Janet…was more mine though. And…I think Janet turns me on emotionally more, in a way. But…sadly…they’re not lying. I’m…working on being…more present.”

“So you repositioned a lot?” says a sex therapist in the Illuminati.

“Yup.” says Gloria Swanson. “He thinks.” She laughs.

“Are you well endowed?” says a man.

“Somewhat. Somewhat not.” says Joe.

“We’re so fucking stupid.” says a living man. “Umm…so…why was Elliott a genius?”

“He knew how to connect on every level of humanity to…try to make love. And he…was very high-minded about it.” says Lacey.

“So…he’s…like Mozart or a world class musician. In bed.” says a gay man.

“Yes. He’s…literally a genius. I mean wow.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. He is.” says Faye. “For some of us…there’s no going back. We’ve never gotten over him. He’s…extraordinary. It’s true. …You can’t replicate it. So why bother explaining more than she has. …Look…I’m not a plane and neither is Lacey…but…then again he did love his planes.” She laughs. “No. I don’t think that’s a terrible analogy. Planes.”

“So he literally understands the mechanics of sex. In like a genius way.” says a female psychic.

“Yes.” says one of his wives. She laughs. “Yes. He’s…rare, I guess. Sadly.” She laughs again.

“Actually…mechanics can be really good at sex.” says a dead mechanic. “For real.”

“And Harold…loses himself?” says a woman.

“Yes. I guess.” says Scott.

Joe Senior laughs. “And yet you’re sure Lem is gay?”

“Well if he isn’t…how much do we know anyone!?” says a historian.

“He left behind very little. And we’ve lied.” says David McCullough.

“Have we lied about Harold too?” says someone.

“Yes. Isn’t that interesting?” says David McCullough.

“I’m bad in bed.” says Harold.

“No. You’re not!” says Lacey.

Harold smiles. “I said I was.”

“To keep people from trying to get your money?” says Lacey.

“Possible.” says Harold.

“Oh my. So…like Lem…you gave us the wrong impression.” says a living gay man.

“Yes. Now…the question is…did Hemingway lie too…to cover for me…or not see through my lie?” says Harold.

“Hemingway didn’t see through your lie.” says a woman.

“Yup.” says Harold. “As wise as he could be.”

“What happened?” says Lem.

“I was actually uninhibited and…good in bed.” says Harold.

“But didn’t one of your girlfriends say you were bad?” says a reader.

“Yes. Maybe. I might have told her to lie.” says Harold.

“But you can’t shut Lacey up.” says a reader.

Harold smiles.

“So that’s why…Brett baffled you!” says a woman.

“We had a wonderful time making love. Yup!” says Harold.

“So…she gave you physical evidence of love.” says the woman.

“Yeah. But…I was also young. …And she’d slept around more. So… But I think she loved me. And she lied about that.” says Harold. “Honestly…I wonder if she resented me. I was very rich. My mother was a Guggenheim, you know? …I wonder if she just hated me for it a little. …And after our visit together…she just wanted out. The money felt…oppressive to her. Maybe. …See…Lacey’s not a gold-digger. What you sense in her is…not like Brett. Brett was…capable of gold-digging but I think she might have been deep too. …But Lacey is comfortable with an enormous amount of money. She…tames it. She makes it her…pet. Truly. It becomes a sort of….toy for her. Like a fort you’d make in your bedroom as a kid. It amuses her. …I think she’d build a castle still if she could. Like and actual castle. …But that’s Brett’s opposite? Mm. No. It’s…just…vastly different. …I can see why Michael would have thought to marry her.

No. Money is…a means to her.” says Harold.

“To wherever I say we’re going.” says Lem.

Lacey smiles.

“Lem. You and Lacey are straight. Does this supernatural thing…thrill you or annoy you?” says a woman.

“Annoy us. But it’s God’s mercy. Not our orientation.” he says.

“Like a last resort?” says a man.

“Yup.” says Michael.

“Do the Asmats know that this is possible?” says a woman.

“Yes.” says an Asmat.

“But you don’t encourage it?” she says.

“For a dead spouse? Yes. Otherwise no.” says an Asmat.

“Does AI have a soul?” asks Bill Gates.

“Maybe.” says Scott.

“But you’re different than AI?” says Bill.

“Yes!!” says Scott.

“So they’re dating us…to control us?” says Elon Musk.

“Interesting!” says Scott.

Later.