Who’s K. L. Billings? Those are Lacey’s initials too. Well, I’m this case it’s Kirk LeMoyne Billings.
(Saturday June 22nd, 2024 – afternoon)
Let me clarify something: I don’t care who you reference, ultimately children never truly ask for sexual contact with an adult. They can’t. It’s totally impossible. If they do it’s insanity (like a sort of psychosis) or derangement of some sort. And if they are trained to be abused and ask for it, that’s all it is. They’ve been brainwashed. They never consent.
Lacey and I read something intellectually pretentious earlier today on Instagram that seemingly claimed otherwise. And you know, Kinsey himself may have claimed otherwise. But one so-called expert’s opinion doesn’t prove gravity to be imaginary. And there’s no way a child ever truly asks for sexual contact with an adult. Children can seem to be asking for it, but that’s not the same thing as an adult asking for it. At all. It’s psychotic and stupid and incredibly backward to not intuitively just understand that. Children aren’t physically the same as adults and that alone should be enough. But thanks to gays and lesbians people are brainwashed into not having any common sense anymore.
Here’s the thing: I’m dead. I know what is and isn’t allowed in Heaven. From your perspective it’s possible anything unnatural really is just perversion and not allowed, but Lacey worries it’s not that simple. What if it is? …But she worries with her good heart and concern for others that it’s not that simple.
In her first examination she wonders if…it’s about consent first and foremost. Adults can consent. Children cannot. Simple. …But secondly she wonders if it’s a matter of science on a evolutionary level. So…while assholes aren’t intended for sex…as they can technically be used that way and given adult male ability to consent…she worries it’s possible men just haven’t evolved to be able to have intercourse as easily as heterosexual couples. Kind of like wisdom teeth. It’s just a still in progress genetic evolution.
I may wish to argue against this. For example, if gay men are insane then they can’t actually consent to each other either. But I’ll save that for private. If that’s what I wish to do.
Lacey…wants to reason with people. Lacey wants you to try to understand. …I agree. But I’m tired of being nice.
Good GOD! …NO! No…I did not consent in any real way to sex with Jack Kennedy. Could I have? …Yeah? That’s theoretically possible but not…given my personality. I’m not like that. …So what did happen? *sigh and eye-roll at 25* …Ahh…he’d ask me to give him oral sex. And I did…venture to wonder what sex with him would be like…but…it was…bad.
*I laugh*
So…you know how sometimes you have sex with someone and it’s bad? Like…it’s just bad. But you don’t stop sleeping with people all together. …That’s what my thinking was. I truly believed I had scientific reason to believe I was gay. And so I tried gay sex over and over and every time it was bad…but I never had the epiphany that I just wasn’t a homosexual.
How can a person be that slow? …Well…lots of reasons. Some people like Lacey have bodies that encourage sexual behavior and so by age 15 she knew what young men wanted to do to her without them being physically obvious. Men her age might not fall in love with her particularly easily but she is there age.
Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers plays. What a perfectly crafted, impossible to decode song. You have to feel it.
I didn’t…think my desires for women mattered. I thought they were…inconsequential. I truly thought all men were attracted to women. To some degree. I mean…maybe a few could be rare exceptions. But I thought almost all men, even homosexuals, were likely to be attracted to women somewhat. And I wasn’t uncommon in that belief necessarily.
So…I’d have bad sex…
The Scientist by Coldplay plays.
And now Lacey speaks in an uncontrived Scottish accent that’s very accurate. Unintentionally. When she’s especially stressed-out. Her legal husband even noted it today.
And she finds great comfort in the Romanovs. Who were all shot at once in 1917. She relates to them. And not because she’s Jack Kennedy reincarnated. Because she actually…loves them. And they comfort her in her misery.
No…I had…sexual contact I suppose in a way. But I was never aroused by a man. I can’t be and I couldn’t be. So everything you imagine happened has to fit with that. Okay? And if it doesn’t then you’re insane or you’re psychotically fixated on me being attracted to men…or you’re cognitively struggling somehow. I didn’t and don’t find men attractive…so…it was just a lot of weird, awkward, unpleasant, unsexy, contrived bad sexual behavior or pseudo sexual behavior. It was just bad. Really bad. …And maybe some of the men I dated would disagree…because they weren’t straight. But…for me it wasn’t really even sex so much as my tragic attempt to be gay.
Did I feel anything sexual when I was molested? I didn’t. I think some people could somehow get that confused. And it is confusion. But…no. I didn’t. No…I *I laugh* felt…something physically because he was touching my penis. And when one’s body is touched it feels touched. But…our bodies aren’t us in that way. So…I didn’t realize that pleasure is like pain. It’s not always controllable or wanted. Sometimes our bodies do things we don’t want them to. We get sick. …And not fully understanding that I got confused by the physical touch of a sick pervert touching my private parts.
Kids…feel pain. Kids feel happy. And they can’t orgasm like an adult but they can feel things sexually because their bodies are developing into adulthood. Why can they feel anything? Because their bodies are fallen. And in a fallen world most of what we have is given to us at birth in some form. So…they’re able to feel something although not what an adult would. And they’re not actually made to experience sex and can’t. Not really. …It’s actually quite black and white. Not everything is grey. That in and of itself is black and white thinking. Right? And so no…children just can’t actually have sex. You can molest them. And they can get confused. And that confusion can linger into adulthood but…it’s just confusion.
So…I felt…physical pleasure in an unwanted way that was actually very unpleasurable. But the fact that my body reacted and I had an erection was confusing. And I was old enough to be sexually developing so it was even more confusing. …I felt…dissociated from my body. Right? Like…it was pleasure-pain. Okay? It was…gross…but my body reacted because our bodies have many involuntary reactions. And given the involuntary reaction I…got the wrong impression that that was normal. That you could have sexual relations and…they could be perfectly normal…but you could not actually enjoy them at all. Even as your body experienced some discomforting pleasure. Basically I gathered the impression that rape was…not rape in practice. Not really. Because I still believed rape was real and wrong. But…I didn’t know what it was physically for me anymore. Okay? So…I allowed Jack to rape me at times because I no longer felt that was weird. Why? Because I sincerely didn’t understand that a person could be aroused by a foreign object by accident, in a sense.
It wasn’t real pleasure. It really wasn’t.
Look…if you’re reading this blog and you are upset…don’t lie. Don’t be desperate. I’m sorry you got so attached to a lie. The lie being that I was attracted to men and in love with Jack Kennedy. And obviously I contributed to that lie. But…I also wisely never talked openly about my relationship with him. Why? Because I felt…intuitively uneasy about it. Something always stopped me. So…I made statements that are complex and difficult to discern the meaning of, but thankfully I also never explained myself so…it’s easier to explain myself now.
I was straight. Kids never want sex because they can’t fathom yet what sex really is. And…if I’m not a demon…I’m Lem Billings and I’m madly in love with Lacey.
Keen to Cross the Pond 