“No, it doesn’t always work.” by Lacey

(September 17th, 2024)

Lithium by Nirvana plays.

I grew-up looking forward to finding love. I literally lived through hellish life experiences as a child with that as the only thing to keep me from wanting to commit suicide as a child.

“Where the fuck did you bastards come up with the bullshit about me being my wife…? Do you understand what I mean by that? …Lacey literally falls apart at her core without me. She’s not co-dependent. …She’s just the deep…romantic…sentimental person you imagined I was. Why evidence do you have I was actually like that!? …’My biographer says so.’ ??? Based on what!? Anecdotal evidence!? Did he ever talk to me? NO! Did I ever write anything to suggest that? No. …Bobby’s eye-witness testimony? What? …What!? Because it’s absolute bullshit. It’s BULLSHIT. …I was clinically depressed before Jack Kennedy died. …And that depression increased after he died but…he…wasn’t my ‘everything’ as Lacey describes me as being and as many of you insist Jack was to me. No. ….He just wasn’t. You guys…I was actually STRAIGHT.” says Lem.

Heart-Shaped Box by Nirvana plays.

“Lacey isn’t who you think she is.

…Tonight she went out for ice cream. And a bisexual man almost hit on her husband. He resembled Harold. In his 20’s or so. Likely Jewish. …And after realizing she was her husband’s wife…he kept staring at her. He may have been considering hitting on both of them. …Clean-cut. Conservative looking. Truly. But…he didn’t…and Lacey would have said no anyway. But…he intuitively knew she wasn’t…who ‘you’ thought she was. And I find that fascinating.

Why does Lacey say no? For genuinely deep reasons. And I’m included in that.

But regardless…she’s far wilder at heart than her haters often assume.

And…I love it.” says Lem. “She’s capable of seeming so demure because she is. …But…how many people actually have people almost imitate threesomes with them…more than once? And no…she’s straight. Completely. And no…that’s not why I liked Jack. I just like…that she is…aware. And not…nearly as…uptight as people have often…assumed.”

“People can sense you’re hardcore. Like me.” says Eminem to Lacey.

“Does that happen to you?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. It has. Truly! With women.” says Eminem.

“It happened to me to.” says Harold Loeb.

Eminem laughs.

“Me too.” says Louis.

“Really?” says Lacey.

“Actually…yes.” says Louis.

The Real Slim Shady plays.

“I died today. My pager blew-up.” jokes a dead man to Lacey. “Weird way to die.”

Lacey laughs.

“Did you feel it?” asks Lacey.

He thinks. “Not really.”

Lacey talks to God about him.

…Anyway…

Glass: String Quartets Nos. 1-4 plays.

I was looking forward to love. That was…the only thing I was ever truly excited about. Ever. And…now what?

The man from this evening at the local ice cream shop emerges from the afterlife. To talk.

“Why…can’t…you have any…hope?” he asks.

“Because…-“ starts Lacey.

“Lem!” he says. “No, I know. It’s Lem.”

The song plays.

“I can’t…” says Lacey.

“Be with anyone else.” he says.

“Yeah. …If he’s real…and he seems to be…he means that much to me. …It’s unthinkable. Even if he’s dead.” says Lacey.

“That’s…- I can’t find the words.” he says.

“And it’s odd. As time passes I’m starting to feel like my time…got…weird. Almost like…my brain isn’t working in a normal manner. In regard to time and space. Like…the past is literally juxtaposed with my present.” says Lacey.

Night by Ludovico Einaudi plays.

“Louis Hill Junior is riding the train…from downtown Saint Paul…at the same time…you’re there in 2017 for Christmas. But you didn’t feel it as that until you met him and looked back on it years later. …What did that feel like?” he asks.

“Both times felt like the present.” says Lacey.

His eyes grow big and he almost smiles behind his glasses in awe. “Yeah! I can see it. …It’s literally like a double-exposure.”

“Of time and space?” says Lacey.

“By the way. You’re the hot 40-something couple.” he says, laughing. “People look for that. In their 20’s. …Your husband seemed straight. But…he was handsome. And…you were so ladylike and pretty. And that’s my aesthetic. …But I knew it was unlikely.

Umm…he was…there. Lacey it’s real.” he says.

“You were very well-dressed-“ says Lacey.

“Thank you!” he says.

“But yeah…I’m in love with Lem, regardless.” says Lacey.

He smiles. “Here’s what I want to know. And yes, I knew I was your type. But…yeah. You’re madly in love with Lem. Nobody compares to him.

…Where are you!? When you’re literally living in two times at once.” he says.

“I can’t tell. Am I behind him? In his seat?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Even if there’s no reincarnation you’re essentially haunting him.” he says. “You’re right behind him. Watching him ride into Minneapolis. In November, I think. It’s…the…1950’s.

And you know…part of the reason why? Your father. You were born…

Anyway. Ahh….

…You’re not living a normal timeline. And that’s part of your misery.” he says.

A dead man dressed in dark robe stands by Lacey’s dining-room window. Hood up. Lacey suspects he’s a dead Freemason. Local. Possibly from the dead local Illuminati, if it exists.

He smiles kindly.

“I’m sorry. I have no idea what to say to you.” says Lacey.

“That’s okay. …Just be aware that there are local people who, if there’s an Illuminati, are concerned about you.

Sweetheart…why didn’t you date Joel?” he says.

He smirks as Lacey thinks.

Lacey’s legal husband suddenly walks in.

“I just can’t…” she says.

“Lem!? Of course!” he says. “Louis sent me. …If there’s an Illuminati I was in it. I’m a dead US Supreme Court Judge. …So why didn’t you date Joel?” he says.

“It felt weird.” says Lacey. “Is he cursed?”

“No.” he says. “You might have been. But he wasn’t and isn’t.”

“Good. …Was I also experiencing Lem?” asks Lacey.

“Yes. You were experiencing him and you being in love. As totally…absurd as it is.” says the ice cream man.

“Who else?” asks Lacey.

“Me.” says Louis.

“What!?” says a woman.

“Yeah. …So…I was occasionally at various local country clubs. Okay? …And…we do have free will.” says Louis.

The ice cream man looks intrigued.

“Before I married my wife…my second-wife…I could have…met her. We’d not necessarily have gotten married. But…for some reason we remain friends. Actual friends. …Somehow…you’ve conflated me…with Lem though.” says Louis.

“What’s happening for you? With trains?” says Lacey to Lem.

“I had romantic ideas of making love on a train. As a youth.” says Lem. “With a woman.”

“Yeah. Did you almost kill yourself?” asks Louis.

“I was…drunk. Alone. And…in my 20’s…and…yeah. I did consider throwing myself from the train. Off a bridge.” says Lem.

“What stopped you?” asks Lacey.

“It felt wrong. And I didn’t want to hurt my family.” says Lem.

“I take it…that was before Jack died?” says David Pitts.

“Yeah.” says Lem. “It’s funny how nobody sees how depressed I always was.”

“Didn’t you and Jack have some kind of agreement?” says Sally.

“No.

He never was willing to admit he was attracted to me. Ever. He treated what I did like a…joke. Literally. And the joke was at my expense. …I was the loser who gave him oral sex. And he was supposed to be the clever genius who figured out how to get off using ‘creative accounting’ so to speak. He felt…so clever. He thought he was…very inventive. Or at least that was his desired sense of reality. We had no line of communication open enough to have ‘an agreement.’ And one is required to have an actual certain agreement.

What did happen was that he made it known through his actions that he preferred to never get married and keep having me sexually service him.

…But…you’re imagining things if you think we could have had that kind of…loving, deep, romantic conversation. In any functional way. …I mean…HOW!? How…could JFK have that conversation? …He was such a jerk. Really! …When did he have deep conversations with anyone? When did he have deep relationships? When did he care!?

And what would our relationship agreement have been? He’d sleep with hundreds of other people. Fall in love with dozens. Including some men. …And I’d do what? Why am I okay with that?” asks Lem.

“Polyamory?” says David.

“But that’s still a real relationship! With boundaries. He was an outright cheater. A total rat. …Do you think that’s the same thing as actual polyamory?” says Lem.

“Can’t you just not care?” he says. “In polyamorous relationships.”

“Not care!?! Then why have the relationship at all? Why?” says Lem.

“Because you love each other so much.” says David.

“But when you do matter!? …If Jack is out fucking 12 other people over three months. And you’re suffering at home alone in bed. Sick. And lonely as hell…what kind of love is that!?!” says Lem. “And that sort of thing happened to me often. He was incapable of being truly loving.”

“That’s…historically very likely. Sorry.” says the CIA.

“How the fuck do you imagine any real connection surviving over decades?” asks Lem. “But no…there was no agreement.

Look…I wasn’t sad in that way. I couldn’t have stayed with him if I was. However…the only real explanation actually is that something odd was going on. Like…I was mentally-ill…or I was straight. …And no. I didn’t show clear signs of any mental health issues. Not really.” says Lem. “I seemed odd. My persona was…way too…contrived. Always. But…I didn’t seem what actually qualifies as mentally-ill.”

“How did it not hurt!? Even as a straight man.” says a man in the Illuminati.

“Well…it did kinda. …But…I thought we were friends. Above all else. And…I didn’t know that homosexuality was supposed to be the same as heterosexuality. I genuinely did not.” says Lem.

“Because to him it was like a mutation or a disease.” explains Edith Beale. “So he thought being asexual was perfectly normal too.” she says. “Given his disease.” she says. “You see? It actually does make sense.”

“Wow! Lacey how clearly did you hear that!?” asks a wizard.

“Very clearly. It’s almost like she can hear hear it.” says Edith.

“ I just have to say she doesn’t make stuff up so if you’re reading this, the whole illuminati thing is either fiction or its facts and there is a supernatural elements to this blog. Either way she did experience some thing. Bizarre she was at and saw we’re going to Anderson and her and then we’re going to go to bed alone, she was in downtown St. Paul in November or December 2017 on a train an old train from probably the 70s or so. Maybe older that was sitting there with lights on it that was being used as a sort of Christmas train for kids to ride on to see Santa Claus his village Him she was extraordinarily depressed by that experience although she didn’t talk about it but it was extraordinarily depressing to her much like going to downtown St. Paul. This is before the homeless drug epidemic that’s down there right now this was over 10 years ago much like going to downtown St. Paul, and walking around the pioneer Endicott building when it was dark and felt very creepy to her in a way that it’s hard to explain but those two things dovetail together and it’s possible it actually was because of me I was inside the Pioneer Endicott building frequently. And it’s possible that I either went from that building specifically to the train station, one day or there’s some sort of thing there because she experienced being there in a way that’s very abnormal him. He got on the train who is dark it was evening was cold and no she wasn’t a time warp. It really is like what that person was saying earlier it’s more like she was juxtaposed literally between two periods of time Like a double exposed photo so on the one hand she was in 2017 with her family and they were supposed to be having a fun Christmas night but then on the other hand she felt this weird looming sense of doom and destruction and sadness and loneliness and maybe alcoholism and Just incredible loneliness that I actually may have felt on a particular night, and those were my feelings into some degree. Those were her feelings to that night in her own way, but she was also experiencing what I felt one night off when I was riding the train and those were actually my feelings and now she got shit. She got that in her head that I was having a very hard time that night I was our marriage was in a bad place I was feeling really just full of despair about my life And also about train travel I mean the rail roads we’re not doing well in that time and actually there could’ve been. There may have been two occasions that she was dancing in the 50s and also the 1970s but I’m both occasions both occasions she was picking up possibly on me And yeah, there are other times when she was picking up on mom’s energy on trains. Lame not mom. Lem.z

And oh, so at times, I might’ve thought it would be fun to meet a girl on a train and you know I guess make love. She picked up on that a lot when she was in college a lot when she was riding the train in college in Pennsylvania and when she was riding the train in college in North Dakota, she picked up on that a lot, actually she picked up on that a lot when she was on the train most of her adolescents and young adulthood and actually she picked up on other peoples experiences at other times on trades but on that particular night. No, it was me and mom. Yeah I wouldn’t want to think about what she saw in her head so to speak because no I was having a horrible time and I am these men that I would be seeing the 70s. You know it was decay. The cities were in some decay at that point they are now two to sound great but it was bad in the 70s. It was bad it was bad and St Paul it was bad Minneapolis Things are really changing and it was depressing because it had been so rich St Paul downtown Saint Paul Minneapolis. I’ve been rich areas for rich people to shop to visit. It was special, and it felt totally invincible in a way because it was so people were so rich it was so there’s so much money in downtown St. Paul and Minneapolis and it just didn’t seem possible that it could totally go down the drain, but now it was very depressing, riding the train possibly between Saint Paul in Minneapolis for me and one time I remember sitting in it and we know we were always treated like royalty to some degree and we’d be given the best seats and it would be private, and it was a very special experience, because my grandfather built the railroad, and everyone knew that, and it was a very big deal But I remember sitting on the train and we got riding between Minneapolis and St. Paul and seeing these homeless people on the side of the street black men white men with a collar on their coat, turned up to keep their necks warm you know kind of hiding in their coat And maybe they weren’t homeless but they look like they could be down on their luck and it was depressing. It was really depressing because it was like who are these people just hanging out on the side of the railroad tracks on the side of the tracks I mean it was, it wasn’t the Great Depression it was the 1970s it was the 50s possibly and it’s just it was so it was so sad and that was what she was. That’s what she was picking up on and I thought what are people gonna do what are people gonna do is interesting I wasn’t entirely wrong. I thought this is totally destructive of society, if they take the train out of St. Paul and Minneapolis, if that disappears that actual railroad people can’t take that train anymore that’s devastating and I think I was right the best is not a good replacement for what people experienced on the train you know it was different. It was just different the sort the cycle the psychological experience of riding the train was different And there was more dignity to it than riding the bus and it just was so different and I just thought what is going to happen if we lose this is exactly what happened you know basically societal decay. I mean the middle class needed that they needed that and the working class needed that and I could just sense that it was totally distractive to social mobility. It was totally destructive, it was a nail in the coffin of the American dream. I thought this is a disaster. If this ends this is a total bloody disaster and that’s I mean there were a lot of people who rode the train who were black him and then they got cars you know so they didn’t need to ride the train so much anymore they carpool or something But there were lotta black workers a lot of Black people who would ride the train and it just seems so it just was sold a spare inducing to me. I thought they’re just gonna get high. They’re just gonna use drugs get high and just all die off they’re not gonna be able to be OK they’re gonna just die off, and that was what was going through my head that night and shit for whatever reason she picked up on that and that’s what her life experience has been. That’s not normal and a lot of people probably think they can relate to her one of her psychically or something to be careful with that because you can’t it’s so stupid is Seay it’s impossible she couldn’t one of you either Because she can’t be you you can’t be her and I have no idea why people are trying to do that anyway but but no she was. She was possibly experiencing my perspective on Minneapolis and St. Paul was actually mostly Minneapolis to leave leave. Leave it or not I was mostly worried about Minneapolis falling apart, what is keeping this city alive? St Paul has so many communities in it so many so many communities, and now there’s among community there’s a lot of different communities in St. Paul the neighborhoods are clear and there’s often a very strong sense of community and every part of St Paul and St Paul itself is very loyal to itself, so you don’t have that as much with St Paul because it’s not just like up a city it’s a it’s a community it’s it’s sort of like a place to live. You know it’s a people lives there I put down routes and they don’t leave there’s a lot of people who brag about being fourth generation and St Paul not class wise but just living there that long, I mean my own family hasn’t left the area that much and they’re not that far removed but Minneapolis doesn’t have that as much people moved from Minneapolis. They moved to Minneapolis and it just isn’t the same thing and I worried I thought this this is a disaster. The city is going to fall apart.” says Louis.

“ oh, what did that feel like?” says a psychic.

“ you know it didn’t feel personal you’d think it would because my my grandfather built the railroad but it actually didn’t. It didn’t feel personal because we knew that our level of wealth was so extreme and we had other investments and so it we kind of just thought you know no we’re sort of untouchable to be honest, but so it wasn’t. I personally wasn’t worried for that reason at all. What are you worried about you know to be honest it’s eerie and this is where Lacey is going to have to trust God, and go downstairs in the dark alone to have what could be a pretty scary conversation.” says Louis.

She goes downstairs.

“ well I’m downstairs and I’m sitting in a spot where it looks like there was someone standing just a few minutes ago but I had a brief conversation I removed anything that wasn’t of God and Jesus’s name and if you can anything again, that’s not a garden this house in Jesus’s name I don’t do this. Don’t talk to ghost don’t do what I’m doing. Take this with a grain of salt. OK I don’t understand what’s going on right now and I’m just working with an awful desperate situation OK?” says Lacey.

“oh, so here’s the scoop I was sensing Lacey‘s life the same way. She sensed mine that night and Lacey what I want to know is what are both of us sensing that can’t be accounted for in our lives?” says Louis.