(July 24th, 2024 – Afternoon)
“Thank you Lem for agreeing to do this.” says Usha. “I just heard Lacey speaking in a Scottish accent and instantly I was freaked out. Okay? I’m Hindu.”
“Yeah. It’s real. …I’m not saying we’re reincarnated. But it’s real.” says Lem.
“She’s not your wife? She’s Michael’s wife?” says Usha.
“No. She’d be my wife. …I was straight.” says Lem.
A living gay man nods. “Lem…are you Lem?”
“Yes!” says Lem.
“Are you gay!?” he asks.
“No!” says Lem.
He laughs. “Are you straight?”
“Yes!” says Lem.
“Okay. So! …Lacey…why does it bother you that I parented to be you?” says Usha.
“Hang on!” says Lem. “We’re suddenly busy!”
A moment later.
“We’re back.” says Lem.
Chaos returns.
“And we’re busy again.” says Lem.
A moment later.
“Let’s try again.” says Lem.
Chaos returns.
A moment later.
“I moved into another room.” says Lacey.
Chaos returns. It seems to follow Lacey.
“And we’re back!” says Lem.
“Okay!” says Lacey. “I’ll go somewhere else if I have to.
*Lacey is almost suffocated by demons working with Jack Kennedy.*
Ahh…well. See…I have to think.
*Lacey tries to think.*
It’s quite complicated. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.
“Are you offended?” asks the gay man of Lacey.
“No. Not necessarily. …More scared.” says Lacey.
“Why does it scare you?” says Princess Kate, suggestively.
“Yes.” says Lacey. “What’s that!?”
“I was thinking of me. Marrying William.” says Princess Kate.
Chaos returns.
“That does scare me. And it does feel possibly related.” says Lacey.
“What scares you about it?” asks Princess Kate.
“He’s- It could end the world?” says Lacey.
“Unless it’s done very carefully.” says M6.
“Yes. …There are so many pitfalls.” says Lacey.
“SO! You’re worried about war. And famine. And shit like that.” says the gay man to Lacey.
“Yes! And evils of all sorts.” says Lem. “Like what happened with me.”
“Because I’m impersonating real people.” says Usha.
“Yes!” says Lacey.
“I hear her actually.” says Kamilla. “It’s okay if you don’t trust me Lacey!”
“Good.” says Lacey.
“I seem very middle class. In person. When I’m being myself.” says Usha.
“Yeah. More middle class than me.” says Kamilla.
“We aren’t cool. Are we?” says Lacey to Kamilla.
Kamilla thinks. Looks kind of sad. “No.”
“It’s not easy.” says Lacey.
“You’re right. We seem dorky.” says Kamilla.
“Yeah. …The part of you that’s in a higher class seems more nerdy and matronly.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. Dull.” says Kamilla. She laughs and rubs her forehead.
“Yeah. …You know…that’s what hurts about Jack. I’m not that glamorous.” says Lacey. “And I like to think Lem would prefer me. But one worries.”
“Yeah. You’re sexier.” says Kamilla.
“Yeah. I am. Thank you.” says Lacey.
“But he had…that special something.” says Kamilla.
“It’s not necessarily actual sex. …Or love. And it photographs damn well.” says Lacey.
Kamilla nods.
“Yeah. I don’t have that either.” says Kamilla.
“I bet you’d be a better President than he was though.” says Lacey. “No insult intended.”
Kamilla laughs. “I would.”
“I think he lacked common sense.” says Lacey.
“He might have.” says Kamilla.
“He was dangerous.” says Lacey. “You might be too…but not as much.”
She laughs.
“How dangerous was Jack!” asks Joe I.
“Extraordinarily dangerous. …We had to rescue the world from nuclear disaster.” says Lem. “FOR REAL.”
Kamilla nods.
“How’s it going with Hamas?” says Lem.
Kamilla laughs in despair.
Joe Biden joins her.
“So anyways. You were straight too?” asks Princess Kate.
“Yes!” says Lem.
Kamilla nods in understanding.
“You are a beautiful Princess though.” says Lacey to Princess Kate.
“Thank you.” says Princess Kate.
“So! …You’re really just worried I’m attacking you.” says Usha. “In some deep way.”
“Yes! Possibly.” says Lacey.
“We have no clue what’s going on. We are so fucking out of touch.” says Chris Hayes, to MSNBC.
“It’s not 2010 anymore.” says Lacey.
“She’s right!” says Barack Obama.
“So it’s not personal. Unless she’s personally attacking you.” says Chris Hayes about Usha.
“Yes. And she might be.” says Lacey. “I feel like I’m sitting in the kitchen at the table at the farm…and I’m surrounded by an army of invading violent people.”
“Holy SHIT!” yells a reader.
“Eww!” says a reader.
“We aren’t attacking you.” says another reader.
“YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!” yells a rich Republican.
“Okay. So let’s stop psychoanalyzing them like they’re fools. …She’s not jealous of you, Usha.” says Kamilla. “I think we really are for real attacking them.”
India nods.
“I’m nit jealous!” says a man at Fox News. “Why would I be jealous!?”
“Yeah. Good question!” says Lacey’s neighbor. “I’ll tell you why. Because you know I’m happier than you’ll ever be. …I have privacy. Land. Freedom. And a decent, livable amount of money. …All you really have that I don’t is fame. …And I bet you’re tired of that.”
Kamilla smiles. “Bingo.”
Keen to Cross the Pond 