(August 13th, 2024 – Morning)
Lithium by Nirvana plays.
Things got ugly last night. So as a local deity in stepping in. Actually I’m not a deity. But you think I am. Right? Isn’t that what people nowadays think? And what you think is all you want to hear. You’re quicksand.
Jack won. He’s ruined her life. And I’d love to kill her and her kids right this second but God won’t let me. And He knows best.
Truth is…God wins. And God is love. Real love. So if homosexuality isn’t allowed in Heaven…you’re not going to be allowed in Heaven if all you are is a homosexual. I tend to think humans are more than just their orientation, or their mental health. So if you’re all insane you’ll be healed of your mental illness of homosexuality like Peter Thiel suspects and cease to desire the same sex at all. And you’ll find your previous self disgusting and unreal. …If it’s not perverse and insane you’ll be fine if you worship Jesus. Catholics would say by desire and Evangelicals would say by intentional one time commitment and it varies…but…Jesus Christ does have to save you.
Regardless, Lacey is done empathizing with you. You’ve raped her. Psychologically. At this point. …I’m not speaking to children when I say that. I’m talking to adults who should care and don’t. …I know some of you reading this could reach out to her but you don’t. Nobody does almost at all. Ever. Ever. And I’m sick of watching it. You’re all heartless demonic zombies in her living Hell, crafted by Satan and JFK over nothing but petty, worthless, childish jealousy. He’s an absolute loser. And I wish he and his family couldn’t be beaten to death continuously for eternity. I can’t stand that scum. And I say that as a Hill who wishes Saoirse had been born into another Irish family. Yes. I’m distantly related to her father. I can’t stand that family for lots of reasons.
Heart-Shaped Box by Nirvana plays.
I’m laughing at you for being so evil. Evil in now, at this point in this post, clinging to the hope that they’re saviors and heroes. It’s evil to believe that after what I’ve written. You’re not that stupid. You should doubt the myth. But you can’t. And why can’t you? Well…I don’t know for sure…but…it’s starting to look like pure evil.
What part of Lem being happy at Jack’s funeral don’t you understand?
Song 2 by Blur plays.
That’s Scotia empathizing with you. That’s HoneyFitz stupidly tricking her into coming back as Karrie. …Or it’s just Lacey empathizing with you. She’s trying to be happy for you. And it turns into this.
What part…of Lem being happy don’t you understand? At Jack’s wedding.
“Were you bored to suicide at Messiah College?” asks Bill who’s alive.
She’s been that bored since she left Minnesota’s public school system. In the 2000’s. It was better back then. Especially in her neighborhood. …In her AP and honors classes. She learned actual history.
She’s not going to insult you Casi. Chris. Diego. Jack. She’s not going to insult you. …But she’ll tell you the truth, which isn’t just an insult.
Casi was a mildly ugly and mildly pretty trollish shrew. A stupidly self-obsessed, unintelligent, self-important fool. And that’s not an insult. That’s fact.
What…the fuck…do you jackasses want from her? She’s a kind, loving, beautiful person. What…did the horny, loose, sloppy, boastful perfume community expect Lacey to say and do? What!? Kiss everyone’s literal ass and eat their literal shit? What?
Eminem is a coward. Or a poser. And Lacey and I have known that since he first became famous. But you’re all too gullible to realize that.
The Real Slim Shady plays.
What the fuck…did you find so offensive? He’s barely offensive. By my standards he’s a pussy. A smoking, drinking, pussy. …But I’m James J. Hill. I killed the Indians. Right?
Ha! You’re all such pansies. Claiming to be so cold and tough…the best you can do is confuse someone like me and try to make me feel sorry for you. Because you can’t rule me. I’m one of the Black slaves who led a riot. And killed myself.
Smells Like Teen Spirit plays.
Did I mean that literally or not?
Huh.
What if…that’s really the real bad-ass I am? Never thought of that possibility huh? It’s silly to you brainwashed people. Why is it silly? What if I really am a reincarnated Black slave who led a bloody riot and then shot himself?
“Why attack us?” asks a Native American.
Oh grow-up! Or don’t you know why?
“You thought you had to.” says a Native American man.
DUH!!! *I yell*
Just because I might have been Black if there’s reincarnation doesn’t mean that I’m Jesus. …Africans do kill each other. Over land. In Africa. And finding Black slavery offensive isn’t the same thing as trying to conquer a nation to build an empire.
Okay. So anyway.
“But we were like the slaves.” says a Native woman.
Not really. You had this land. FIRST. AND WE CONQUERED YOU.
You can compare me to a European colonizer. That’s an insult I’ll take. But I’m not a slave owner! …Why care? Because that’s reality!
“Okay?” says a Native American woman.
Okay.
Let’s move on.
“Yeah. I don’t have a point other than just being mad at you.” she says.
Okay? …Listen…I didn’t necessarily have an evil heart. Even if I was horribly wrong. And that’s part of why it’s so important. Get it? All that peace and love stuff?
“How could you not see that!??” she says.
Why THE FUCK do you and your fellow zombies ask that? That’s the same stupid question you kept asking about Lem. “HOW!??” “HOW!?” …How? There’s probably an explanation. Why do you stupidly assume there isn’t!!?
“Well, brother-“ she says, believing he’s Black.
I’m NOT Native!! FUCK YOU!
She whimpers, like he’s Satan himself and she’s a beaten child.
“We’re not that pathetic.” says a former Facebook follower of Lacey’s.
What does that mean!?
What does any of your imbecilic coded language ever mean?
Summa by Arvo Pärt plays.
Why do you all constantly expect her to read your minds?
“Because if she doesn’t she’s an idiot. And we win. And the past…is DONE!” says a narcissistic Boomer jumping up and down clapping their hands.
That’s utter nonsense.
Lacey why do you really think people dislike you? Or don’t care.
“I think…I was never given a life.” says Lacey.
I nod. We’re both right.
Let’s wait…and see if they care.
“No! Let’s wait and see if YOU CARE! That’s what this is all about! …We’re all waiting to see if YOU CARE?” yells the Kennedys at James J. Hill.
“Care about what!?” says Lacey, genuinely confused.
“Care about us!!” yells Cate Blanchett.
Ewww! Fuck you!
“In what capacity?” Lacey asks.
“As children?” says a woke Liberal woman.
“You’re not children!” yells James J. Hill (me).
“And we have sex with children now?” says Cate.
No. That’s not what I was thinking. And no. You don’t have sex with children. You’re demonic molesters. You can’t have sex with a child. You can molest them. There’s a huge difference. Or are you a backward peasant narcissist, Cate, who’s too stupid to stand up to my scrutiny?
“I’m not a peasant.” she says crying, genuinely. “Don’t say that!!!”
“Oh kinky!” says a man in the Illuminati trying to mock James J. Hill.
“No! He’s not…interested in sex.” says a dead, confused Scottish woman. “Not with Kate.”
“Stop this Karrie!” says a woman in the Illuminati to Lacey, condescendingly as several people are now hurt.
“Stop what!?” says Lacey.
“Wow! Wow, she has an ego!” says Kick Kennedy about Lacey.
“That’s- What in the world are we even talking about now?” says Lacey.
“You’re covering!” yells Casi.
“For what!? What are we even talking about!” asks Lacey.
“Why are you so cheerful?” asks a demon. “I’d wait for them to think to ask that Lacey…but they’re all genuinely too stupid.”
“Are they?” Lacey asks God and the demon, meekly.
“Yeah!” says the demon. “We can’t bully you anymore. We’re burning a whole in the fabric of the universe to try to reach you. Using their intelligence. And it’s…stupid.” She shrugs.
Morning by Hania Rani plays.
“You know. I’m not cheerful. I’ve moved on in the conversation. And this is just my personality.” says Lacey.
“You seem angry to me.” says Terese, scared.
“Angry!?” says Lacey.
“She’s indifferent!” says Jan.
“To me she seems dumb and cheerful!” says another woman.
“CHEERFUL!?” says Terese.
“Yeah?” says the woman.
“Then you didn’t care about us? …Lacey…those cousins that day…were suffering. Because of their bad choices. Their bad choices.” says Terese.
Lacey blinks.
“Yeah! See! She’s cheerful.” says the woman.
“She’s…maybe aware of what you’re talking about? But…not necessarily.” says a man.
“Who are you people!?” says Terese.
“Well obviously we know her genetically somehow better than you! Sorry!” says the woman. “No. She’s a dear, sweetie. But I doubt she knows what you think she did.”
“But you knew they were suffering!” says Lacey’s uncle.
“We sowed discord in their family.” says a Black man in the Illuminati. “Using the demonic.”
“My GOD the homosexuals went too far.” says a living Englishman. “I’m ready to kill David.”
“Oh no! Don’t say that!” says Elton.
“Really? You think I should kill him?” says the Englishman. “Say what!? That’s how I feel!”
“You feel that way?” says Elton.
“YES!!” he yells. “ARE YOU RETARDED?!?”
Elton thinks. “He might not have meant any harm.”
“But he ignored SO DAMN MUCH.” says Rupert Murdoch. “His book is brainwashing. Sick…perverted…evil brainwashing.”
“It is. …I’m being genuine with you. Objectively it is. …I agree. …But…I just can’t believe he meant that much harm.” says Elton. “As in, I don’t think he meant for it to be brainwashing. Even though it is.”
“How can he…as a supposed intellectual…write such intellectual gibberish?” says the living Englishman. “It’s moronic.”
Elton John giggles. “But…don’t you know?! Gay men have the ability to magically shut off their emotions. And travel through time and space.”
“You have no needs as humans of your own?” says the living Englishman.
“None! We exude…beauty. …Nothing but superior beauty and grace in all aspects. Constantly!” says Elton John.
“Wow! So no crying!” says the living Englishman.
“None! We only cry to pretend to be human out of empathy. For the lesser beings around us.” says Sir Elton John.
“He’s being sarcastic.” says the living Englishman.
“He’s right. I am. I’m being sarcastic with my words about homosexuality. They’re not magical. I’m not able to shut off my emotions. Or travel through time and space.
You know…Cate…what if you’re middle class? And sophisticated?” says Elton John. “What’s wrong with being an artist? They exist outside of social class.”
“That’s just…posh nonsense.” says Cate.
“No. Sweetie that’s reality.” says Sir Elton John. “Diana felt the same way. …You’ve never heard of that? How artists transcend?”
“Sort of.” says Cate. She shrugs.
“Let’s move on.” says Elton John.
“You guys feel insecure!??” says Casi to Cate Blanchett in genuine shock.
Yup. They do. But no…I don’t think Casi knew that.
Anyway. If you kill David Pitts read him his Last Rites.
“Why did you write that book?” asks Barack Obama of David Pitts.
“I was accessing Lacey.” he says, in the afterlife.
“Yeah! …Why!?” says Barack Obama.
“She’s JFK.” says David Pitts, in his spirit, now.
“No. She’s not!!” yells Queen Camilla, horrified.
“I’m not. Her Royal Highness is correct.” says Lacey.
“Her Royal Highness??” says David Pitts in his spirit, now.
“No. Sweetie you have that all wrong.” says Queen Camilla to David Pitts.
He thinks. “Then who is that!??”
“Who’s who?” says Princess Kate.
David Pitts looks disoriented.
David Pitts blinks and looks around in his spirit. “That’s a woman!?” he says.
“Why wouldn’t it be a woman!??” asks an Asian woman, in horror.
“Yup! Figures!” says Hillary Clinton. “Let me guess. You found her armor?”
“Probably. This is so stupid!” says an Indian man, rubbing his forehead.
“She’s laying down.” says David Pitts.
“LAYING DOWN!?” says Jim Carey.
“Yeah. And bending over?” he says.
“To have sex??” says Jim Carey.
“Yeah!? …Why else would you bow like that?” he says.
“RETARDED!” yells a Christian reading her blog.
“Huh.
What does she look like?” says Hillary, trying not to laugh at his spirit.
“See. I just don’t think he’s pure evil.” says Elton John.
David Pitts in his spirit wanders around, blinking with arms outstretched, trying to find his way.
“What’s SHE LOOK LIKE!?” yells Jim Carey.
David Pitts blinks. Looks confused. Stands there. Looks confused.
“LOOK!!” yells Jim Carey. “LOOK AT THE PERSON BENDING OVER!!”
David begins to cry.
“LOOK AT HER!! Or him. LOOK!!” yells a billionaire.
Crying, trying to literally channel Lem Billings in some New Age thing…David Pitts looks extremely upset as he forces himself to look. Possibly for the first time ever.
“You filled in your mental gaps in writing your book with witchcraft!?” says Dr. Moritz, appalled. “Wow!”
“He probably did.” says a Salem witch to Lacey.
“Dammit! He has no idea what he’s doing!” says Lacey to her.
“Do you think men should do witchcraft?” she says. “Honestly!”
“I don’t think anyone should. But I think men might understand it less.” says Lacey.
“Why?” says the woman.
“They’re often not acquainted with that part of reality.” says Lacey. “To start.”
“Look David.” says Jim Carey.
He looks. Finally. “I see nothing!” he says.
“No. What do you see?” says Jim Carey.
He looks again. “I see a naked woman.”
“Was she bending over?” asks Jim.
“No.” says David.
“David. Those are the same people. Aren’t they?” says Jim Carey.
American Beauty by Thomas Newman plays.
“They can’t be!!” he says, terrified.
“Why!?” says Barack Obama.
“She’s not bending for him. She’s bowing.” says David.
“Yup. Checks-out!
See…you’re fine!
Let’s keep going!” says Jim Carey.
“Why is she BOWING!?” says David Pitts, confused.
“Well. Huh. …Who is she bowing to?” asks Cate Blanchett.
“Christ!?” he says, baffled.
“Who is he?” asks Jim Carey.
“Oh! You mean Emperor Constantine?” says David Pitts.
“You see him!?” says Jim Carey.
“He’s there. Whether that’s him or not.” says David Pitts.
Jim Carey smiles. Tries not to laugh. Then looks amused and horrified both.
Yup.
I’m still writing this.
So…the Illuminati is…doing something.
*I yawn.*
“Where’s Jack?” says David Pitts.
“Maybe he’s not there!” says Jim Carey.
“WHY!?” yell millions of living gay men, horrified, including David Pitts.
“I dunno. What comes to you?” says Jim Carey.
“He’s having sex with that woman.” says David Pitts. “But that’s impossible! Not Lem!”
“Not Lem!?” says Hillary. “Oh! So he’s a good guy?”
“Yeah. I’d date him.” says David Pitts.
“But he’s fucking a woman!” says Jim Carey. “I’m starting to see why he pisses you off.” he says to the living Englishman. “It’s annoying.”
“He makes us look evil.” says Elton John.
“Are you?” asks Barack Obama, sincerely asking as an African.
Elton John thinks.
“I can’t stand him right now either.” says Barack Obama. “There’s sloppy…and then there’s evil.”
“I just can’t believe he’s that bad.” says Elton John.
“Why do we purposely ignore reality though? Like…I have to. I’m paid to. Okay!? Let’s be real. …At times I’m paid to lie. …But I don’t see why he did it. …He could have written a very different book.” says Rachel Maddow. “And he had 20 years!”
“Oh come on! He’s not that clever.” says Donald Sutherland. “He finds it meaningful. And he willfully ignores reality-“
“Exactly!” says another living Englishman. “That’s what’s so annoying.”
“Let’s keep going.” says Jim Carey.
“Do you guys actually sound this smart?” says Casi, freaking-out.
“Yes!” says the CIA.
“Dammit! I thought this was being uptight and uppity.” says Casi. “So you all actually are that different? In reality!?”
“YES.” says Hillary.
“People have real intellectual conversations, Casi.” says an Old Money woman.
“Yeah! But I didn’t think they had them like Lacey talks!” says Casi.
“Oh! All sincere and serious?” she says.
“Yeah! Damn.” says Casi.
Jim Carey blinks profusely, in shock.
“What the fuck!?!” says Jim Carey. “Okay. Moving on.
David…is it possible Lem was heterosexual?”
“Well yeah. He was.” says David.
Hillary laughs. “Yeah. This is his subconscious. Or spirit. Whatever!”
“Lem was straight. He yells that at me.” says David. “He’s mean!”
“Lacey can you see whoever he’s talking about?” says Hillary.
“Yes. Possibly.” says Lacey.
“Is that Lem!??” says Hillary.
“It might be!” says Lacey.
Hillary takes a deep breath. Thinks.
“This is what’s wrong!” she says. “We got too nice.”
“Yeah.” says Bill, agreeing with her.
“He’s a moron!!” says Hillary. “I’m sorry. But I’m not nice. He’s a MORON.”
“So…he yells at you?” says an actor to David Pitts.
“Yeah. He has for years.” says David.
Hillary laughs. “Why do you ignore him?”
“Because of her!!” spits JFK, almost becoming a demon himself.
“Because! That’s not Lem!” says David Pitts.
“Huh. Describe this man to us.” says Hillary.
“He’s tall. …Grumpy. Unshaven. …Stinky.
Ahh…there’s holes in his sweater? He’s wearing some…thin wool sweater? …Polyester old man pants. Like way up to here!” says David Pitts.
“Huh. What else?” says Donald Trump, trying not to be mean to Liberals.
“He’s…tan? …Wrinkly.
Umm…he’s so…straight. Like a smoky…old…straight guy who would drive a huge Buick.” says David Pitts.
“That’s somewhat Lem.” says Hamish Harding.
“Like a part of him?” says Hillary Banks.
“Yeah. Sorta.” says another ghost. “It’s complicated.”
“She’s why my book isn’t more popular!” says David in his subconscious in 2010. “She’s- She needs to get married! Then she’ll get out of my hair! And I hope it’s a bad marriage too! Then she’ll see!”
“See what!?” says Diego.
“How wrong she is!” says David.
“About what?” says Diego Blue.
“You and I!” says David.
Michael Rockefeller laughs. “It’s bad.” he says.
Hillary Clinton nods.
“Ahh…so…she’s fuckin’ him. Huh?” says Tim Walz.
“That’s what they say. But I’m not going to believe it for one second!” says David Pitts in his spirit.
“Wow!” says Jim Carey. “Ahh…so what’s he doing?”
“They’re not even real! And I’m pretty sure- So…” says David Pitts.
“So what is that man then?” says Hillary.
“He’s evil!” says David Pitts.
Hillary looks to be pitying him. She nods. “He’s evil?”
“He’s…one of them!” says David Pitts.
“He sounds kinda frumpy.” says Chelsea Clinton.
“He’s AWFUL!” says David Pitts.
“You…fucking fool…that’s Lem.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Oh! You’re a charming man.” says David Pitts. “Who are you?”
“I’m a Cambridge educated, German-born professor.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Are you gay?” says David.
“NO!” says Dr. Moritz.
Suddenly David has to hold on to something to stand up. He’s feeling very overwhelmed. Terrified even.
“That’s not Lem!” yells Hamish Harding.
“Do I remind you of him?” says Dr. Moritz, sweetly.
“You’re HIM!” yells David, in fear in his spirit.
“No. I’m not him. I’m Dr. Moritz. OF GERMANY.” says Dr. Moritz.
A living Englishman nods.
“We just don’t bother with this. It’s too damn much.” says Donald Trump.
“Fair enough!” says a living Englishman.
“And this…is why…Jack ceases to exist.” says a demon. “He can’t handle the truth. He chooses evil. Every time. …God hopes he’ll change someday.”
“NO!!” wails Kick.
“Tell us more about…this…weird man.” says Jim Carey. “Lacey’s in love with Lem. That’s gotta be Lem.” he says to Rupert Murdoch.
Donald nods.
“Oh! Him? He’s…big. Smoky.” says David.
“He smells like cigarettes!!?!?” effeminately says a perfume collector who’s gay.
Another gay perfume collector laughs.
“Haha. Yeah. …It’s…gross.” says David.
“Well…not to a girl, of his time, I guess.” says the living gay perfume collector. He kicks his leg. “Maybe he’s got- Oh nevermind. Let’s be PG. Ahh…let’s see…umm…what’s the smoke smell like?” he says.
“Stale.” says David.
“Yuck. …And he’s driving one of those big old cars?” he says.
“Yeah. I bet his wife is fat. With like the…perm?” says David, being involuntarily honest, in his spirit.
“Or he’s good in bed?” he says.
“He could be? …He’s like…crusty straight.” says David.
“Oh, okay.” says the living gay perfume collector.
“I feel bad. …It’s like he wants something from me.” says David Pitts.
“Weird! …Do you think he could be a ghost!?” says the living gay perfume collector.
“I don’t believe in ghosts.” says David Pitts.
“Oh wow! Okay. …Then why are you…like…trying to channel Lem?” asks the living gay perfume collector.
“Because he’s dead? I dunno. I just thought I’d try it. You know? …I’m not even sure what I’m doing.” says David Pitts in his spirit, laughing.
A Rockefeller closes his eyes and looks serious. Sad.
“So…you’re a ghost too.” says the living gay perfume collector, trying not to be totally patronizing.
In agreement a man nods who’s a famous influencer and once read Lacey’s blog out of curiosity.
“That’s a theory.” he says.
“Kay. …Then how are you going to be able to talk to Lem? If Lem’s dead?” says the living gay perfume collector.
David looks baffled. Unfortunately.
The influencer nods.
“A ghost!?” says David.
“Yup.” says Jim Carey.
“No!!” says David Pitts.
“So like…what if?” says the gay perfume collector.
“That could theoretically be Lem. …But then he’s gotta be gay!” says David Pitts.
Another gay perfume collector laughs.
“Can you see that man…who haunts you…being gay?” asks the first living gay perfume collector, trying not to laugh.
“If that’s Lem..he’s gay!” says David.
“Mmm. Like…for real though?” says the first gay perfume collector.
David thinks. “We don’t always look gay!”
“We do kinda though.” says the first gay perfume collector.
“Wow!” says Elton. “He’s stubborn.”
“He’s like me.” says Casi. “Shit. I would not wanna be you people right now. I gotta say!”
“So…he’s…super straight. In his overall vibe?” says the gay male perfume collector.
“Yeah. I mean…he is straight.” says David.
“Well…then maybe this entity isn’t gay. …What’s he saying to you?” asks the living gay perfume collector.
“He’s always mad at me!” says David, laughing.
“For real? Wow. …Why?” asks the living gay perfume collector.
“He wants to vomit?” says David.
“Why?” says the gay perfume collector.
“His head feels numb? Like…he’s lightheaded?” says David.
Hillary tries not to laugh at him.
“Huh.” says a living woman, fighting not to become arrogant.
“He’s like…what?” says the living gay perfume collector.
“He’s sad. …I think he was a drug addict.” says David Pitts.
“OUCH!” says the woman, still trying not to be arrogant but becoming psychically nauseous.
“You’re literally stealing Lacey’s breath.” says the CIA. “Like a killer.”
“Oh! Okay! His sexy wife.” says David. “Yeah. He has a sexy wife! She’s a slut.”
Hillary laughs. “This entity??”
“Yeah. She’s…not really slutty. But she’s slutty.” says David.
“Why slutty?” says the living gay perfume collector.
“Isn’t that a slut!?” says David, laughing.
“Like what!?” says Elton John.
“Like…sex! She has sex!” says David, in a rather surprisingly puritanical manner.
Elton John laughs.
“You don’t?” asks a gay actor.
“Oh course I do!!” says David, offended.
“So…what’s different?” asks the gay perfume collector.
“Oh no. I’m a slut too.” says Elton. “Look at me.”
“No. You’re a man.” says David.
“But if I wasn’t I’d be a slut?” says Elton John.
“Can men really be slurs?” says David Pitts.
Elton John cries. “Yes!! They can.” he says quickly.
“Are you a misogynist?” the gay perfume collector asks David Pitts.
“No.” says David Pitts, smiling. “I wouldn’t say that!”
“Huh.” says the gay perfume collector. “So…you do…understand that women have sex?”
“Yeah!!” says David.
“Kay. Hum…
Ahh…I’m not going to be able to help you see that that entity is Lem. Am I?” says the gay perfume collector to David Pitts.
“Why don’t you get it!?” yells David at about 24.
“Get what!?” says the gay perfume collector.
“I’m GAY!!!” yells David at about 24.
“Kay. So…do you dislike that entity?” asks the gay perfume collector.
“Maybe? Who cares? …The point is…I’m trying to make a name for myself. Okay!?” says David Pitts at 24.
“Sure. Go on!” says the living gay perfume collector.
“So…I’m trying to be somebody.” says David Pitts at 24. “But I’m GAY!”
The gay perfume collector nods in empathy.
“I’ve been researching this. …I think I can do something with it.” says David Pitts.
“And make yourself famous!?” says another gay perfume collector.
“Yeah!!” says David, cheerfully.
“So if you’re wrong…your whole life seems empty? Or what? Like a mistake?” says Bill Gates.
“More of a mistake.” says David.
“Okay. But…that’s dangerous. Right? Fabrication? Super bad idea.
So…why not fabricate a little…but not entirely?” says Chris Hayes.
“We lie. We do. All the time. But you have to be so careful with fabrication.” says Rachel Maddow. “Lying…is a tinge bit different than outright fabrication.”
“But nobody knows!!” says David.
“Ahh…knows what!?” says Rachel.
“He got weird. As he aged. He got really weird.” says David.
“Was it the drugs?” asks the gay perfume collector.
“No. He got…sexual. I guess? Like…spacey? …People made him seem…straight.” says David.
“Or like a pedophile?” says Jim Carey.
“He wasn’t a pedophile. But he liked…young women? Not too young. But like…20’s? Was it in strip clubs?” he says.
“Where’d you find that?” asks the BBC.
“I’m not going to say!!” says David.
“Where!?” asks the BBC.
“Something someone said.” says David.
“So you had a real hunch he was straight?” says the BBC. “And you willfully ignored it!”
“No??” says David. “I mean…he’s gotta be gay!”
“Based on his words?” says Princeton.
“His words are actually very confusing at times. He’s…opaque. But…sorta?
I mean…you sit around with friends and you drink. Right? On a Friday night. At an outdoor pub. And you order a steak. …And your boyfriend looks at you suspiciously. And you tell yourself that if you can publish your book…and get richer…those looks will stop.” says David.
“Why was he suspicious?” asks the gay perfume collector.
“Who’s paying for it!? HIM!? Me!?” says David.
“That sounds like a fun night!” says Lacey.
David glares at her. “IT’S THAT THING!!” he says, like she’s a cockroach.
“She’s hot huh!?” says an Egyptian woman.
“She’s so pale and icky!” says David.
“Like Jack?” says Ireland.
“No!! Jack’s not icky! He was so handsome! Oh my GOD!” says David Pitts.
“So what’s her eye color?” yells Ancient Egypt.
“Green?” says David Pitts. “An icky light brown? Grey? Like…pee?”
“No. It’s chestnut brown.” says Ancient Egypt.
“Oh that woman? …She’s scary. I’ve seen her!” says David.
Jim Carey laughs.
“That’s Lem’s wife. That’s the naked woman.” says Brian Baumgartner.
David looks startled.
“We’re pretty sure he has a wife.” says Brian.
“Then why didn’t he marry her!?” scoffs David.
“She wasn’t there!” says Brian, laughing.
“He could have married her anyway!” scoffs JFK.
“He did…in a way!” says Brian, laughing.
“Calm down! Calm down! This isn’t funny!” says David.
Brain holds in his laughter.
“So that straight guy!? THAT’S LEM!!!” yells Jim Carey, losing his temper.
“That cannot be Lem!” says David.
“No. I worry it is.” says the gay perfume collector.
“Then I’m a failure.” says David, accusingly.
“Yup!!” says Jim Carey.
“Why did you get so obsessed with them?” says a reader.
“Because.” says David.
“Because?” says Jim.
“He reminds me of all the guys I’ve known who think I’m crazy. Because they’re closeted. Lem. I mean Lem. …And yet he was honest. And it just kinda made me fall in love with him.” says David.
“But he’s that straight guy.” says the CIA.
“I’M GAY! I’d know if Lem was faking it!!” says David, indignantly. “You guys don’t know what we do. You’re not one of us.”
“Wow! So he’s one of you? …Then who’s the straight smoky fat guy?” says Brian.
David looks worried in his spirit.
“Eww!” says David. “If that’s Lem… No! That can’t be Lem!”
“That’s Lem.” says an actress.
“Why am I suddenly scared about debt?” says David.
Keen to Cross the Pond 