“Uh Oh” by Lem

(August 11th, 2024 – Evening)

“My new theory is that you’re all fake. The people who are attached to thinking Lem is gay.” says Lacey. “You use upper middle class Liberalism to seem loving. But you’re full of shit.”

They grow quiet.

“So you can’t reassess the situation because it’s embarrassing. You’ve probably made asinine assumptions about it online. Commented something embarrassing like, ‘I love their love!’ on Goodreads. Right? Or said, ‘Yeah. What a handsome couple they would have made!’ to your gay friends who own the $3 million house on the street and always make homemade bean dip. Wear Gucci belts. Have flawless teeth and skin. …You were trying to impress them. And now…you feel dumb. So…you’d rather get drunk and look the other way like a Jasmine French than confront the stupidity of David Pitts’s bullshit.” says Lacey.

“You know she’s right!” says Judith Exner laughing.

“Here’s what I want to know. …Would Jack have wanted to be our friends?” says a living gay man who does make good bean dip and wear a Gucci belt.

“No.” says Joe Junior.

“Uhhh yeah! Why!?” says the guy.

“Because I’d have thought you were all embarrassingly gay.” says JFK, sincerely.

“Honey. You’re one of us. He isn’t.” he says.

“I know that. I’m not that stupid.” says JFK.

“But did you?” he says.

“Not entirely.” says JFK.

“See…we’re former friends with Lem. He didn’t snub us.” says one of them.

“Okay? I did.” says Jack.

“Was there anyone like us?” asks the Gucci belt one.

“Yeah. I paid for a few.” says JFK.

“But why not get involved?” he says.

“Did I marry Marilyn!?” says JFK.

“Umm thank you. Actually.

But…why!?” he says.

“You’re too serious.” says JFK.

“Ha! Was Pat Wilson too serious?” he says.

“Yeah.” says JFK.

“Why wasn’t Jackie that…weird?” he says.

“She was…not that in love with the real me. I get scared by too much authentic closeness. My parents had boundary issues. So…I close myself off. We’re all like that. In my family. And…I’m a narcissist. So I hate feeling that insecure. Because I don’t want to be inferior. Out of hate. Not fear of being rejected like some people. …Lem and Jackie liked me. But not too much. Marilyn made me feel dumb. A lot of people did who I dumped.” says JFK.

“I might have liked you.” he says.

“But I couldn’t handle the pressure.” says JFK.

“So you’d just throw me out on my ass?” he says.

“Yup.” says JFK.

“So you’re drawn, as narcissistic as you are, to people who don’t like you?” he says.

“At least somewhat.” says Jack. “And I like how they don’t expect closeness.”

“Because you hate.” says the man.

“I have. Yes.” says JFK.

“So marry Jackie. Not Susan. Hold Lem on a tight, strangling leash. Not me in your arms?” he says.

“Yeah.” says JFK.

“But now we have to deal with Lem. And his heterosexuality. And it’s annoying!

…And Lord knows we’ve heard endless stories about the women you fucked instead of Jackie.

Honey. It was dumb. For real.” he says.

“You can’t fix narcissism.” says JFK.

“Not necessarily.” he says. “I’d have, for better or worse, tried it. For a while.”

Jack vomits.

“Oops.” the gay man says.