“Yeast” by Lem

(October 5th, 2024)

“I’ve been trying to kill Lacey with a yeast infection.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior. “Because I’m so sure Lem was gay.”

“What else?” says Lem.

“You’re George in Sex And The City.

And I asked Lacey to show me proof that you were straight and so I copied all of your sex moves in the bedroom scene with Carrie Bradshaw. I had my female friends help me write that stuff and so when he’s touching her and he has his hands over her body and they’re about to have sex and he gets a phone call? I mean I invented the phone call! Man…it’s me.

See…it’s a reference to Love Actually…but she wanted the truth. Carrie isn’t like Lacey. She’s actually. Love actually. You actually love me. Right? And Lacey’s one of those Millennials who use actually? But actually…it’s about me and my uncle.

We’re on the phone! We’re your business partner symbolically.

And we’re just kind of telling you, ‘I will see ya!’

We love you, and buddy you can suck my cock anytime you want. Dick pic? Here I am now I’m on the phone calling you so enjoy!

See I did this like…you have your hands all over her wow thing. …And it’s really hot…and you know she’s getting really wet and you’re enormous. But I’m just like how? …How…how is this, you know…how is this going to matter? …Because if I were to call you or if Jack were to call you or drop everything, you know…it’s like…’I don’t care.’ You’re saying, ‘I don’t care who I’m with and how much fun I’m having because it doesn’t matter.’ …It’s just…it’s like you get the right person on the phone and you just drop everything for them.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior laughing but in ecstasy.

“Bobby…I’m watching that scene. Is that the sex they were having in reality…and he was practically manifesting? Like three years ago?” asks an actress.

“Yeah! Why!??” says Bobby, genuinely confused.

Awkward silence.

“Bobby do you touch people like that?” asks the actress.

He thinks. “No. …I hate that. It’s…time consuming. I’d rather just…fuck.” he says like he’s super hot and probably turning her on, but owning it.

Everybody Got Their Something by Nikka Costa plays as Harold Loeb cracks up laughing in the Nesheim ground. Near the mailbox. Whether there’s reincarnation or not.

“Bobby…really?” says a confused middle class perfume collector.

“What!?” says Bobby. “Look…we’re in danger mode seven.”

“Danger mode SEVEN??” says a Kennedy who’s concerned Bobby is genuinely losing his mind.

“Yuppers.” says Bobby.

Joe I stares at him, genuinely worried.

“Danger…Mode Seven. I have it all color coded.” he says flipping open a bunch of sketches with highlighter in a spiral notebook.

“Oh! Cool.” says Cheryl.

Bobby laughs, flipping through it. “I sat in the tub and…let it come to me. A year ago. My plan for…the American Revival.” says Bobby. “I have ten danger modes. Ten is when I prepare to die.” he says with sudden intense seriousness.

“What’s seven?” kindly asks Joe I, supporting him.

They silence us.

“No!!! It’s Danger Mode 8! …You’re not understanding the system. Try! Please. Try harder.” says Bobby to Kerry. He seems genuinely irritated.

Lacey’s neighbor breaks up laughing.

“What is the Danger Mode System?” he says, intrigued.

Bobby glares at him. “It’s real.”

“Cool!” says her neighbor.

Bobby looks irritated. “It is!”

“Danger Mode!???” he says.

Bobby laughs. “Look….people use corny terms. …So I used a corny bunch of words. Oh well. It’s super practical.”

“You sound tired.” says her neighbor.

Bobby looks angry. “What’s it like…touching people in sex? Like passionately touching them?”

“When?” asks her neighbor.

“When!??” says Bobby.

In The Waiting Line by Zero 7 & Sophie Barker plays.

“Yeah! When!?” says her neighbor.

“Before penetrating.” says Bobby.

“What the fuck man!?!?” says her neighbor standing-up.

Bobby looks old and tired and confused. Shaken. He stares at the cement ground of the garage.

Everybody Got Their Something interrupts.

“Are you gay?” asks her neighbor.

“Yes. Somewhat. …I like women.” says Bobby.

“Did Lem ever touch you?” asks her neighbor.

“No. But…what’s touching?” says Bobby.

“Ahhh…you know. Come on!” says her neighbor.

“It’s not like that.

It’s about service.” says Bobby Kennedy very grimly and sincerely.

Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz plays.

Her neighbor studies Bobby.

“You work???” says her neighbor. “I’m…hopeful you have a point.” he says laughing at him mildly.

“No. I do.

So….it’s about…effort.” says Bobby. “So…Cheryl loves when I do the little things. But…I’ve realized they’re actually the big things. Especially when they’re…consistent.

So…check this out. Lem Billings? You’ve possibly heard of him?” says Bobby.

“Bobby…this is awkward. I’m Lacey’s neighbor and this is in our spirits.” says her neighbor.

“Okay. Whatever.

The thing is…Lem would…do lots of things for me. Like…buy me stuff. You know? And…take me to sporting events. And he always…made me tailor my clothes. So…I mean. Come on? Right? That’s a wow. Like…there’s no way he was…cold?” says Bobby.

Maneater by Nelly Furtado plays.

Lacey’s neighbor laughs in his spirit.

“Bobby they’ve had sex.” says her neighbor, like they’re in high school.

“Nah. What!?” says Bobby, “like totally freaking out.”

(Adult content below plays)

“No. I mean…it’s awkward.” he says.

Bobby looks at him.

Her neighbor nods his head. Silently.

“I’ve heard a lot. Accidentally.

I heard what I thought was a man.” says her neighbor fuming. His hand over his mouth in a mix of disdain and…stunned confusion.

“No! Man! No.” says Bobby like it’s the 1970’s again.

“Bobby! No one was home. NO ONE…except for her. I looked. No one left. No one entered. …And then…I heard…noises. You know? Like…noises. Our garage is near their bedroom window. And…I knew it was an accident. But…it’s always creeped me out. I told my wife. It was…WEIRD.” he says.

“What did the guy sound like?” asks Bobby.

Her neighbor thinks. As they stand together in the garage. On an early Saturday morning. In early October.

“Happy birthday, Hal!” says Lady Duff in 1962. From the USSR. “I’m drunk.”

“Bobby…I feel weird.” says her neighbor smiling in suspicion.

Bobby looks unnerved. “Yo! Why?”

“Bobby. What do you think I mean by noises?” asks her neighbor.

“I don’t know? Like…’Oh Lem!’ he says in a silly feminine voice.” says Bobby.

“No. For real? She was orgasming. And it was loud. But…I knew it was an accident.” he says.

“What!?” asks Bobby.

“Ahh. …He had surprised her.” he says.

The song plays.

“I chose the song.” says Mathew Nesheim.

“You’re a jock?” asks her neighbor.

“Oh no. It wasn’t me!” says her cousin.

“This is her cousin.” says Bobby.

“Anyway. I he was jock.” he says. Her neighbor looks around. “Sometimes I wonder. But…he didn’t seem like a college man. …It was…a high pitched male voice.”

Matthew nods. “We’re sorry.” he says to her neighbor.

“Oh my gosh. Come on. No! It’s…fine.” says her neighbor.

“Thank you!!” Lacey says to Matthew.

He laughs. Leaves the conversation.

“Oh dear. Wasn’t that kind?” says Lacey.

“It’s an unusual situation.” says her silversmith Nesheim ancestor.

“She’s…not someone I would ever have dated. But…I’m sure she’s always been attractive.” says her neighbor. “Do you agree?” he asks Bobby.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” asks Bobby.

“No. Do you?” asks her neighbor.

“Well…” says Bobby.

“She’d make you commit suicide.” says Harold.

Bobby thinks. “Why!?”

“Some people are like that. Putin would too. But he’s straight.” says Harold. “So would I. Surprisingly.”

“I don’t think I know myself.” says Bobby.

“You don’t. Not really. …You’re tough. But…you’re not able to see certain things.” says Harold.

“I used to see her ghost. …In Lem’s apartment. I think. As Scotia.” says Bobby. “And…you know…it’s not it’s not even about her. It is. But…it’s the way it moved.”

They stand in awkward confusion.

“Oh!” says Bobby laughing in slight imitation of Lem. He imitates him. On occasion. “No! I don’t mean like that!”

They laugh.

“No. I mean…the spiritual…forcefield.” says Bobby.

“You liked what!?” says Matthew.

Bobby thinks. Dances. Looks suddenly a little Jewish. In his spirit.

“What is that!?” he says.

“THE MIDDLE EAST!” yells Harold Loeb.

The music restarts. Louder.

“Bobby…stay away from sexual literary references. You don’t understand sex.” says her neighbor.

“What’s the song mean?” he says as a Jew. In a tenth of his DNA.

“Me. It’s unfortunately me.” says Honey Fitz.

“Where!?” says Bobby.

“In Ireland.” he says. “They went to Ireland.”

Maneater

She’ll only come out at night
The lean and hungry type
Nothing is new
I’ve seen her here before
Watching and waiting
Ooh, she’s sitting with you
But her eyes are on the door

So many have paid to see
What you think you’re getting for free
The woman is wild
A she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar
Money’s the matter
If you’re in it for love
You ain’t gonna get too far

My Oh-oh, here she comes
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes
She’s a man-eater
Oh-oh, here she comes
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes
She’s a man-eater, oh-oh

I wouldn’t if I were you
I know what she can do
She’s deadly, man
And she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
Ooh, the beauty is there
But a beast is in the heart

Oh-oh, here she comes
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes
She’s a man-eater
Oh-oh, here she comes
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes
She’s a man-eater, oh-oh

Hey!

Ooh!

Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes (watch out)
She’s a man-eater
Oh-oh, here she comes (she’s a man-eater)
Ooh, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
She’s a man-eater

Oh-oh, here she comes (watch out)
She’ll only come out at night, ooh
Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
She’s a man-eater, oh-oh
Oh-oh, here she comes (she’s a man-eater)
The woman is wild, ooh
Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
Watch out, boy, watch out, boy

Oh-oh, here she comes
Oh, watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out
Oh-oh, here she comes (watch out)
Yeah-yeah, she’s a man-eater
Oh-oh, here she comes (she’s a man-eater)
She’s watching and waiting, ooh
Oh-oh, here she comes
Oh, she’s a man-eater

Maneater

She’ll only come out at night

(That’s a reference to her discussions with the Illuminati at night. And such.)

The lean and hungry type

(That’s a joke. A very complicated joke.)

Nothing is new

(That’s up to God to explain.)

I’ve seen her here before

(That’s also for God.)

Watching and waiting

(That’s…well…more for God to interpret)

Ooh, she’s sitting with you

(That’s up to God…to explain.)

But her eyes are on the door

(She’s Tom Banks’s daughter. Okay?)

So many have paid to see

(That’s about bootlegging)

What you think you’re getting for free

(That’s about her soul. She’s her father’s daughter. Men…never get away but not because she keeps them. At all.)

The woman is wild

(That’s another reference to Tom, in a way.)

A she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar

(That’s about her heart of gold. Both metaphorically and emotionally. Like her father.)

Money’s the matter

(That’s…wow. Ahh…Michael…Harold. You get it. The oil. Whatever.)

If you’re in it for love

(That’s a lot sex.)

You ain’t gonna get too far

(More about love and sex.)

Oh-oh, here she comes

(That’s about her?)

Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up

(That’s about her and Lem? Like…boy is slang for a young cool man.)

Oh-oh, here she comes

(Her.)

She’s a man-eater

(She’s addictive.)

Oh-oh, here she comes

(Same as before.)

Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up

(Etc.)

Oh-oh, here she comes

(Okay. This is just the same.)

She’s a man-eater, oh-oh

I wouldn’t if I were you

(That’s a warning to be careful.)

I know what she can do

(Whoever wrote this slept with her.)

She’s deadly, man

(?? Okay. Huh…)

And she could really rip your world apart

(Dang. That’s a warning.)

Mind over matter

(See…that’s a reference to the supernatural.)

Ooh, the beauty is there

(She is beautiful.)

But a beast is in the heart

(But she’s been so attacked she’s…a beast. Because…her big heart has turned…dangerous. Kinda. I mean…before Heaven. So don’t challenge her to a dual. …Unless you’re prepared.)

Oh-oh, here she comes

(etc.)

Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes
She’s a man-eater
Oh-oh, here she comes
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes
She’s a man-eater, oh-oh

Hey!

Ooh!

Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes (watch out)
She’s a man-eater
Oh-oh, here she comes (she’s a man-eater)
Ooh, she’ll chew you up
Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
She’s a man-eater

Oh-oh, here she comes (watch out)
She’ll only come out at night, ooh
Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
She’s a man-eater, oh-oh
Oh-oh, here she comes (she’s a man-eater)
The woman is wild, ooh
Oh-oh, here she comes (here she comes)
Watch out, boy, watch out, boy

Oh-oh, here she comes
Oh, watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out
Oh-oh, here she comes (watch out)
Yeah-yeah, she’s a man-eater
Oh-oh, here she comes (she’s a man-eater)
She’s watching and waiting, ooh
Oh-oh, here she comes
Oh, she’s a man-eater

(I didn’t see the need to restate stuff.

Edited and analyzed by: Morgan from California.)

“Hold on!!! Girl…hold on.” yells a Black woman at Lacey. “This is also about the Asmats.”

“Yes!!” says Lacey.

Morgan is gone.

“So…you genuinely thought I was Michael Rockefeller!?” says Chris Hayes.

“I read him on you. It seems.” says Lacey.

“Jack…did we know that?” asks Chris.

Jack is silent.

“JACK!?!?” yells Chris.

“No. He didn’t know.” says someone.

“So why did he think Lacey was interested in in me!?” asks Chris.

Later.

“WHY DID HE THINK LACEY….was interested in me?” says Chris.

“Because he was…drunk. No…ahh…because of…your look. Alisha commented on it. She has a type.” says a woman.

“Oh! Yeah! I read that comment. And I recall it too.” says Chris.

“Because it’s a compliment to you.” says the woman.

“Fine.” says Chris Hayes. “But he had no idea I was channeling Michael.”

“Yup!!” says a man.

“Would she have been attracted to me otherwise?” asks Chris.

“NO!!!” yells Michael in shock. “I knew…but I had no idea how bad it was.” he says reanalyzing it.

I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos plays.

And in the past Chris and Diego wander around Pocantico’s Kykuit.

Chris and Diego hold hands. Chris closed his eyes. Diego pulled him aside.

“Isn’t this place beautiful!” said Diego dreamily.

“Yeah but we can never live here. I mean this is like way more than I could ever…-

I know we’re really rich like I’m extremely rich, but this is like way- This is an astounding amount of wealth.” said Chris in awe.

Sleep Walk plays.

Diego tried to slow dance with him, clasping both of his hands in his. He grinned a pleading forced grin.

“Come on! You could do it!! You could. I believe you could!” he said in love.

“I can’t.” said Chris.

“Chris…” said Diego in sadness. “We can!”

Chris laughed at him. Brutally.

Diego’s face dropped.

And they stood there frozen for a second. Waiting.

“You’re dumb.” said Chris cruelly.

Diego rushed to make excuses. “No!! Chris. Come on!” he said.

“Do you have any idea how much this costs!?” said Chris.

Put Your Head On My Shoulder plays.

And at that Diego parted his lips…blinked…and his eyes glazed over. And Chris realized as he had many times before that Diego…his body double…on television…was…far more handsome. Than him.

And in some sad desperation he closed his sad eyes…took a deep breath…and dreamed of owning Kykuit. He imagined he was Michael Rockefeller